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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that being upset is no excuse for MIL's behaviour??

220 replies

Orangelantern · 26/02/2011 21:16

My dp quit his job (a good job, but which he HATED) to try and set up his own business. We have saved every single penny we have had to spare for the last 5 years in anticipation for this. We have enough to live comfortably for the next year at least if not more and will not be claiming benefits etc. We are expecting baby no.3 and we felt this as a good time to do this for a number of reasons.
Anyway dp doesn't have a super relationship with his mother. She's quite hard work but overall bar a few thoughtless remarks she's always been nice and polite if nothing else to me. I really had no issues whatsoever with herbefore today!

So she came down to visit today for the first time since Christmas (we live about 3 hours away) and dp tells her that he has given up work, and she went very quiet and then says good luck and changes the subject.

Dp had already arranged to go to watch the rugby so went as planned leaving me and MIL playing with the 2 kids. Literally the second the door closed she started going bananas at me.
Screaming that this is all my fault. screaming at me telling me that I am wrecking her sons life with my bastard children. Forcing him to give up good jobs just to cater to my whims. And if I just kept my legs closed he wouldn't feel any pressure to make this kind of stupid decision. She called me every name under the sun and all in the presence of my kids, 3 and 1. Ok the 1 year old obviously didn't know what was going on but started bawling anyway and my poor ds was terrified.
She says that I must think that she's stupid and that I am deliberatly making dp hate her, turning him against her. And obviously it was my decision for him not to tell her until it was too late for her to have any input.
All the time I am sitting on the floor of the playroom holding both hysterical kids in my lap and am literally too shocked to say a thing (not usually lost for words)
Then she gathered all her stuff and flounced out, not saying goodbye to the kids or anything!! I am astonished that after so many years she has turned on me like this and in front of her grandkids, who she obviously had no qualms in upsetting!! (took me an hour and a half to calm poor ds)

She has rang me since and gave me a half assed apology, saying she was upset and concerned about dp and the kids etc but to be honest I don't care. I will not be spoken to like this and certainly not in front of my kids. And I will not have my children be called 'Bastards' either!!

AIBU? or should I just accept the apology on the basis that she was upset??

Sorry long post!!

OP posts:
veritythebrave · 27/02/2011 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

femalevictormeldrew · 27/02/2011 20:36

So glad this has turned out alright, I'd say you are exhausted. Sit down with something nice tonight - big bar of chocolate if you can't have vino and enjoy - you truly deserve it after the day you have had. And give your DP a big MN hug from me

MadamDeathstare · 27/02/2011 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

forehead · 27/02/2011 20:51

OP, you are a good person. If that had been me, i would have wasted no time in telling my dh. Karma bit your mil in the arse and she deserves everything she gets.
One thing that i have learned is that it does not matter how good you are, not everyone is going to like you.

mmsmum · 27/02/2011 20:54

YANBU not at all! The woman is a loon, tell her where to go

mmsmum · 27/02/2011 20:58

Orange I missed your last post. Sounds like you did everything you could, and then some! It is what it is, and that's over.

petisa · 27/02/2011 21:31

Good on your DP, don't feel bad, this is not your fault in any way, it is her own doing.

RevoltingPeasant · 27/02/2011 21:43

Orange, you should not feel guilty at all.

tbh, others might think this extreme: but I'd say you would've been in the wrong not to let it come out eventually. Your little boy was obviously scared and hurt by it and he probably doesn't even know what 'bastard' means.

Seriously imagine if you'd grown up with an older relative spitting poisonous abuse at you whilst your mum sat there and didn't defend you? That's what childhood traumas are made of.

You absolutely are in the right and should not feel bad.

thumbwitch · 27/02/2011 22:51

Orange - I think it was very nice of you to try and shield your DP from this but very misguided - and I am glad that it has all come out now. Your DS did well by spilling the beans - good for him - it obviously affected him pretty strongly if he was still thinking about it this morning.

Just imagine how you would feel if the positions had been reversed and your DP hid it from you, but told you that he would be having nothing more to do with your mother - how would it be explained satisfactorily without telling what had happened??

It is far better that it is all out in the open, and that your DP has been able to make his own decision (the right one, IMO) regarding his mother.

Be at peace with yourself - you didn't ask for any of this, you have had your say with the MIL, your DP has made the right decision for his family and you are blameless.

helenthemadex · 27/02/2011 22:54

what goes around comes around, you foul MIL has got what she deserves

rosie0000 · 28/02/2011 02:59

Agree with thumbwitch. Glad it has been sorted out so quickly. Don't feel bad, she was in the wrong.

FreudianSlippery · 28/02/2011 06:34

Wow, good on your DH! He's done well. Such a shame that he's had to do it, but that is entirely MIL's fault, not yours! Though MIL will obviously try and blame you for taking her son and grandchildren away Hmm ... But who cares, really? Mad cow Angry

Original poster
Orangelantern · 28/02/2011 09:10

thanks for all the messages, we had calmed down considerably last night, had nice evening in and headed to bed. Around 2.30am dp got a phone call from the hopital saying his mother had been admitted with chest pains and could he come, she was asking for him. I was skeptical to be honest but dp was torn as to whether to believe it or not. So he set off on over a 3 hour drive to the hospital just in case it was serious and I just heard from him now that they can't find any reason for the pain.Few more tests to do but She seems fine but apparently is playing the victim very well. Dp hanging around to talk to the doctor then heading straight home. He feels it is an attention thing and is non too impressed.
Jesus there had better be something wrong with her.... for her sake!!!!

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 28/02/2011 09:13

Oh, how manipulative of her.

You know that she invented the chest pains, don't you?

I must be cold as hell, because if someone treated me the way she treated you, chest pains or no, she'd be told tough luck mate, you're on your own.

LittleMissHissyFit · 28/02/2011 09:15

OMG, her manipulation is CHILLING!

Eglu · 28/02/2011 09:15

She really is playing it to the full isn't she. What a bitch. I feel sorry for your DP that his Mother is so awful.

CalamityKate · 28/02/2011 09:16

What Hecate said.

If this woman genuinely had chest pains then I'm a pork pie.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 28/02/2011 09:16

How horrible for your DH.
Clearly your MIL is playing the "pity me" card.

clam · 28/02/2011 09:18

Hmmm.
Well, at least he's not blindly fallen for it and is off on a guilt trip for having had a go at her.
You both sound sensible, strong and united. She's going to have to try harder than this to drive a wedge between you.

CoronaAndLime · 28/02/2011 09:19

She is a compleat dick.

I will eat my hat if shes ill!

Even if she dose manage to guilt your Dp into having some kind of toxic relationship with her, then please keep your poor Dc out of it.

The woman is a nasty, nasty loon.

clam · 28/02/2011 09:21

I must admit though, to being curious as to how or why this all kicked off this weekend. You said that you'd never had any real issues with her before and that she'd usually been polite and nice.
So what happened?

MaryThornbar · 28/02/2011 09:22

Chest pains = clearly invented.

This woman has serious issues - it seems there are actually no limits to her manipulation and vindictiveness.

Luckily your DP realises this - I think the damage has been done, and she will not recover from this, and be able to have a normal relationship with you all from now on.

He did the right thing in going to the hospital, but be prepared for her to pull more stunts like this to get your DP running around after her. It may be worth him talking to the doctors there about getting her some sort of counselling.

MaryThornbar · 28/02/2011 09:24

Meant to add, she has no-one to talk to and make her see how unreasonable she is being, she has clearly had a lot of toxic thoughts running through her mind, and has no-one to bring her back down to earth.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 28/02/2011 09:25

I dunno, clam. I reckon the mil has got form. For her son to know what she's like, to instantly know she did something, to be sick to the back teeth of her...

Just because she has never before ranted at the OP and called her children 'bastards' doesn't mean all was rosy.

I get the feeling there's a lot this mil has done. If not to the OP, then to the husband.

Sounds like her treatment of the OP was 'straw that broke the camels back' time.

Original poster
Orangelantern · 28/02/2011 09:34

you and me both clam I honestly have no idea. Dp says this is not untypical of her though and is not that surprised at all, I think she did a few not so great things when her and FIL were seperating.I don't know the details....but She has always been nice to me, the worst I ever got was comments asking when we were going to get married and the usual remarks that some mothers make over the way you feed/dress/discipline ur kids. But honestly never anything that has caused any acrimony on my part anyway. i am Confused to say the least.

OP posts: