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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that being upset is no excuse for MIL's behaviour??

220 replies

Orangelantern · 26/02/2011 21:16

My dp quit his job (a good job, but which he HATED) to try and set up his own business. We have saved every single penny we have had to spare for the last 5 years in anticipation for this. We have enough to live comfortably for the next year at least if not more and will not be claiming benefits etc. We are expecting baby no.3 and we felt this as a good time to do this for a number of reasons.
Anyway dp doesn't have a super relationship with his mother. She's quite hard work but overall bar a few thoughtless remarks she's always been nice and polite if nothing else to me. I really had no issues whatsoever with herbefore today!

So she came down to visit today for the first time since Christmas (we live about 3 hours away) and dp tells her that he has given up work, and she went very quiet and then says good luck and changes the subject.

Dp had already arranged to go to watch the rugby so went as planned leaving me and MIL playing with the 2 kids. Literally the second the door closed she started going bananas at me.
Screaming that this is all my fault. screaming at me telling me that I am wrecking her sons life with my bastard children. Forcing him to give up good jobs just to cater to my whims. And if I just kept my legs closed he wouldn't feel any pressure to make this kind of stupid decision. She called me every name under the sun and all in the presence of my kids, 3 and 1. Ok the 1 year old obviously didn't know what was going on but started bawling anyway and my poor ds was terrified.
She says that I must think that she's stupid and that I am deliberatly making dp hate her, turning him against her. And obviously it was my decision for him not to tell her until it was too late for her to have any input.
All the time I am sitting on the floor of the playroom holding both hysterical kids in my lap and am literally too shocked to say a thing (not usually lost for words)
Then she gathered all her stuff and flounced out, not saying goodbye to the kids or anything!! I am astonished that after so many years she has turned on me like this and in front of her grandkids, who she obviously had no qualms in upsetting!! (took me an hour and a half to calm poor ds)

She has rang me since and gave me a half assed apology, saying she was upset and concerned about dp and the kids etc but to be honest I don't care. I will not be spoken to like this and certainly not in front of my kids. And I will not have my children be called 'Bastards' either!!

AIBU? or should I just accept the apology on the basis that she was upset??

Sorry long post!!

OP posts:
RunAwayWife · 27/02/2011 12:29

No you should not accept her half arsed apology, you should ban her from your home and your children.

What a bitch she is

pigletmania · 27/02/2011 12:39

Angle you sound a bit of a walk over tbh, its YOUR marriage nobody elses.

Bloodymary · 27/02/2011 12:48

OMG I would want the vindictive old bitch grovelling at my feet.

CalamityKate · 27/02/2011 12:49

If the shouting and insults had only been aimed at you, and you subsequently got a really heartfelt, grovelling apology, I'd be saying forgive and forget.

But this woman called your children BASTARDS?! Sorry, if it were me she'd NEVER be seeing me, or them again. No fucking way. How DARE she call her own grandchildren bastards! TBH she's lucky you didn't slap her.

Summerbird73 · 27/02/2011 13:03

Shock i am going with the cutting all ties am afraid.

what has your DH said? also out of interest, why did he leave you alone with her to watch the rugby when he hadnt seen her since xmas? i would be having words with him about that too!

i feel for you - and your poor babba's Sad

cumfy · 27/02/2011 13:08

Horrific!

What will FIL's opinion be ?

The only silver lining is you now know what she really thinks .... and for all that time.

Dear god, she probably never forgave you for stealing away mummy's likkle soldier.

cumfy · 27/02/2011 13:18

Was she told much about the business ?

helenthemadex · 27/02/2011 13:19

What an absolutely vile cow, you must tell your partner because if you dont its likely your DS will say something about his grandmother shouting and frightening him.

As for the half arsed apology no way would I be accepting, what she said to you and about your children, her grandchildren, ia totally unacceptable. She needs to explain herself to you and your dp. Not sure what she can do as far as your poor ds is concerned he must be very frightened of her

thumbwitch · 27/02/2011 13:28

good grief. If anyone had shouted and screamed at me like that in front of my very small DC, I'd be making damn certain that person had little to no contact with them ever again.

in fact - I have. DH's brother had a full on rage attack, physically attacked DH, in front of me and 22mo DS, shouting and screaming obscenitites (not AT me, but at DH) - I won't have him in the house and prefer DS to have nothing to do with him. I have seen him probably 3 times in 1.5 years now and that's too many. DH can't stand him either, btw - but sadly he lives with MIL so we can't get completely away from him.

Her "apology" is pathetic. What she means is, her anger allowed her reptilian brain to take over and all her baser instincts and true thoughts came out - so if that's what she really thinks about you and your DC, sod her.

You have to tell your DP. If you don't want to tell him the whole of it, tell him that she raved and screamed at you, terrifying your 2 DC - that's bad enough (although the insults are shocking as well).

Lulumaam · 27/02/2011 13:37

she;s not a concerned parent

if she was she would have spoken her her son or both of you

she would have said,'oh orange and DS, I am really worried about how you are going to manage with 2 little ones and another on the way, and a new business, I am really concerned..."

that would have opened some sort of dialogue

not screaming at you in front of your children , calling htem bastards and then flounicng off

don't kid yourself she is remotely sorry, there is a reason she did this whilst DP was out

Becaroooo · 27/02/2011 13:40

Ah, yes. The MILs who make nasty comments the moment their ds isnt there. I have some experience of this, but nothing as bad as what your MIL said about you and your children.

YANBU.

She would not be seeing my dc again after saying those awful things.

What has your dh said?

Tortington · 27/02/2011 13:46

have you told him yet?

marking my place.

my mother said some awful things about my kids and ididn't speak to her for three years.

Summerbird73 · 27/02/2011 13:51

am still Angry for you!

helenthemadex · 27/02/2011 13:54

I have now read the whole thread and agree with Lulumaam if she was genuinely concerned she would have said so to you both, for some reason she is blaming you.

As others have said it would have been just possible to get past this if she had only aimed her vileness at you, but as soon as the dc's were mentioned she totally overstepped the mark, and in front of them as well totally totally out of order

I hope you are ok, I can imagine the atmosphere in your house is quite unpleasant if she is still there

Joolyjoolyjoo · 27/02/2011 14:02

Shock Shock

What a vile and nasty witch your MIL showed herself to be.

I am a pretty easygoing person, and can ride over petty digs etc, but I would have shown her the door the minute she started her rant (although I appreciate it's easy to say that when you're not sitting in stunned shock!)

How very DARE she behave like that! Even if she disapproves of choices her son has made it is none of her bloody business, and certainly NO excuse for shrieking like a harridan at you, especially in front of your children.

Yes, tell your DP. His relationship with his mum is up to him, but he deserves to know what she is really like. For me, I would have nothing more to do with the woman, unless an apology as grovelling as her tirade was vicious was forthcoming, and even then things would be frosty.

She has shot herself in the foot, and basically pushed herself further away from her son and his family. Stupid stupid old woman

marriednotdead · 27/02/2011 14:12

Have wracked my brains trying to find a reason to explain her appalling behaviour.

I can't. The very fact that she waited until you were alone, shows what kind of woman she is Hmm

I'm hoping your DH responds in a way that you are happy with, and that you can find some peace.

Maybe in time you can (if you want) have some kind of relationship with her, but I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 27/02/2011 14:16

I've just read the op again, felt my judgy pants weren't tight enough... just seen the bit about if she'd just kept her legs closed... wtf kind of language is that to use to your daughter in law? The woman your son has chosen to spend his life with? (I know you're not married but same difference).

blackeyedsusan · 27/02/2011 14:38

personally, i would not be meeting her for a long time. I would also seriously consider whether to allow dc's to see her given the upset she caused to them. you would need to discuss this with dp though. Of course, if it turns out to be a real illness then an appropriate apology would be needed, including acknowledging(sp?) that what she said about you and your children was unacceptable.

solooovely · 27/02/2011 14:39

custardo what did you mum say about your kids?

TimeToStartACHEEKYDiet · 27/02/2011 14:52

what has your DP said about this? you have told him havent you?

niftyfifty · 27/02/2011 14:59

Orange the situation sounds truly awful and I would be outraged if my MIL spoke to me like that and in front of the DCs. But, as a couple of posters have mentioned earlier, if it is totally out of character it could be a sign of mental illness.

A close friend of mine had an excellent relationship with her in-laws, they were both very involved with her family life and the DCs. However, while her DH was away for the weekend and the in-laws were babysitting at some point, when my friend went to collect them her FIL launched into the type of rant that you describe. Not saying the same things, obviously, but a totally out of the blue rant about the children (the grandson in particular, who the FIL had always been really close to). The point of my saying all this is that some years later he was diagnosed with Alzheimers although he was relatively young (still only in his late 60s now) and looking back, they can see that this was at the start of it all.

Sorry to go on so long, and I don't mean to excuse your MIL in any way, but it is a possibility. Good luck with sorting it out - it will be very difficult.

Tortington · 27/02/2011 15:05

oh general unpleasantness, she was mad as a badgers chuff though. she died all alone and i found her body 3 weeks later - not a friend int he world

spanky2 · 27/02/2011 15:15

She sounds very similar to my mil. After the last tantrum my dh decided not to see her until she apologised for her behaviour. We're still waiting. It will be 6 years this July. Il don't send our children birthday or xmas cards even though they fell out with us. When mil dad died ( who we still saw,) we only found out after the funeral. Ask yourself do you need this in your life? Do you trust her with your children? It is up to your dp if he wants to see her again. You are not the only one. My mil said I broke up her family and took away all the pleasure of visits with my ds1. Amazing to think I have that much power! It was very hurtful, but I know that I have protected my children from her, which is all I can do.

lesley33 · 27/02/2011 15:26

She obviously has real concerns that you aren't married - not unusual amongst older people. Obviously her behaviour was totally unacceptable.

But I totally disagree with some posters that advise you to cut her out of your life. Cutting such a close family member out of your life I think shoulod only be done in horrendous situations.

I think both you and your DH need to sit down with her and explain that her behaviour was totally unacceptable. I think you need to show a united front.

And secondly I would be keeping an eye on her in case sthis is an early sign of alzheimers or other illness. Obviously none of us know if this could be the reason, but my aunt's alzheimers first presented like this. There does seem to be a heridetary factor in alzheimers.

diddl · 27/02/2011 15:36

"Cutting such a close family member out of your life I think shoulod only be done in horrendous situations."

I think it was a horrendous situation tbh.

Personally I could quite happily cut out someone who spoke to me like that.

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