AIBU to think that being upset is no excuse for MIL's behaviour??

[Orangelantern]

My dp quit his job (a good job, but which he HATED) to try and set up his own business. We have saved every single penny we have had to spare for the last 5 years in anticipation for this. We have enough to live comfortably for the next year at least if not more and will not be claiming benefits etc. We are expecting baby no.3 and we felt this as a good time to do this for a number of reasons.
Anyway dp doesn't have a super relationship with his mother. She's quite hard work but overall bar a few thoughtless remarks she's always been nice and polite if nothing else to me. I really had no issues whatsoever with herbefore today!

So she came down to visit today for the first time since Christmas (we live about 3 hours away) and dp tells her that he has given up work, and she went very quiet and then says good luck and changes the subject.

Dp had already arranged to go to watch the rugby so went as planned leaving me and MIL playing with the 2 kids. Literally the second the door closed she started going bananas at me.
Screaming that this is all my fault. screaming at me telling me that I am wrecking her sons life with my bastard children. Forcing him to give up good jobs just to cater to my whims. And if I just kept my legs closed he wouldn't feel any pressure to make this kind of stupid decision. She called me every name under the sun and all in the presence of my kids, 3 and 1. Ok the 1 year old obviously didn't know what was going on but started bawling anyway and my poor ds was terrified.
She says that I must think that she's stupid and that I am deliberatly making dp hate her, turning him against her. And obviously it was my decision for him not to tell her until it was too late for her to have any input.
All the time I am sitting on the floor of the playroom holding both hysterical kids in my lap and am literally too shocked to say a thing (not usually lost for words)
Then she gathered all her stuff and flounced out, not saying goodbye to the kids or anything!! I am astonished that after so many years she has turned on me like this and in front of her grandkids, who she obviously had no qualms in upsetting!! (took me an hour and a half to calm poor ds)

She has rang me since and gave me a half assed apology, saying she was upset and concerned about dp and the kids etc but to be honest I don't care. I will not be spoken to like this and certainly not in front of my kids. And I will not have my children be called 'Bastards' either!!

AIBU? or should I just accept the apology on the basis that she was upset??

Sorry long post!!

Orangelantern - yeah I agree, if my MIL had spoken to me in that way and we were alone, I probably wouldn't mention it. But doing it in front of the kids is just beyond the pale.

I reckon she has been storing this up and just needed an excuse to have a go at you. I hope your kids are okay, must have been so upsetting for them

Your DP needs to have strong words with her and make it clear that she comes down with a genuine apology for you, him and your children or she doesn't come at all.

Definitely tell DH this morning. In full. Better that you do than the DC.

She really is a piece of work - waiting for your DH to go out before launching into her tirade. She's probably only given you that half arsed apology in an attempt to stop you saying anything to him.

To me that doesn't sound like someone who is ill, that sounds like someone who is just fucking nasty.

I am appalled at this. You must have felt terrible.
The thing is, she probably thinks she's absolved herself now, by "apologising," and that if you keep it going, you'll be the one in the wrong. But she didn't apologise at all, she said she regretted saying what she did "in front of the children," which is a whole different ballgame. She's not "within her rights as a concerned parent" in the slightest. Possibly to have said she hoped you'd thought it all through carefully and that she was a bit worried might have been acceptable, but to go off on a vile, spiteful and downright nasty tirae like that? Never.
How can you ever get back on track after this?
Hope you DP is supportive.

I think she revealed her true colours and is now terrified about the consequences once you tell your DP, and so she should be. Regardless if I thought that of any of my sons partners (well the youngest 2 are a bit young yet!) - I would never say anything at all because at the end of the day they would me my DSs choice so I would respect that.

She sounds a reall nasty bitch tbh and of course you must tell DP!!!!!

YANBU and of course you should tell your partner.

She is not within her rights - parents have no rights over their children once they've turned 18. We all hope our kids will want us in their lives when they're older but the reality is you bring your children up to make their own decisions and to cope with the consequences. Sounds like you and your partner have put a lot of planning into this (5y at least) so she can't accuse you of a spur of the moment idea.

Were she my mother in law I would not have her in my house or near my children again - while my husband may want to keep in contact (his decision) I would not be part of it and he could see her on his own time. Although if my MiL was half as nasty to me as yours was to you my husband would be the first person cutting her off.

Threads like this make me realise how lucky I am to have the MiL I have!

I don't think I could forgive her, I think I would cut her out of my life.

And also, upset or not, it's obviously what she really thinks deep down. Or not so deep, actually. And how could you continue to see her, knowing that?

"She wouldn't be apologising to me in person because I would never be seeing her- or allowing my children to see her- again."

That´s how I would feel tbh.

Some things really are unforgivable.

It sounds as if she really doesn´t like you & thinks that you have "trapped" her son & that you have him totally under your thumb.

In which case she doesn´t think much of him either imo.

I would cut her out of your life.
What a vindictive cow.
And your dh must support you on this.

I know that if my MIL felt or said that I could not have her in my home and would not want to meet face to face with for a talk, I could not even look at her face. I would not stop her having contact with her grandchildren in the future, but not with me present. I would personally not let the children see her for a while, to let her know how out of order she was.

Give it some time... Honestly. Don't do anything rash.

When DH and I decided to get married, my ILs (particularly MIL) reacted really badly mainly because we did not want a wedding. We wanted to go and get married in a registry office and that was it. It was horrendous. I got a horrible email. DH got 'summoned' down to where they live without me specifically where they laid on the emotional blackmail all weekend - SIL cried about how much she always wanted to be his bridesmaid . In fact, they made my DH feel so bad that he actually threw up on the car journey back to me. In the end, I bit my tongue and we agreed to let my ILs organise the wedding. It wasn't a nice experience. I wasn't intending to wear a wedding dress but she went out with my SIL (without me I might add so I had no say in the matter) to get a bridesmaid dress that would have made HER look like the bride. On the wedding day, she got a hairdresser specifically to do her hair (never offered her services to me! My friends did hair and make-up for me.). I didn't even know what was happening on the day itself till it did. I know on reading back, that sounds like she's a terrible person but she isn't. She's misguided. Old-fashioned maybe. And on hindsight, we weren't totally blame-free, we should have discussed it with them rather than just presenting it to them as matter closed, this is what we have decided.

Over the years, I've pretty much let things go. It's hard. Some days I still wonder if I should have stood my ground and got married the way I wanted. And I wonder if she ever felt bad about what she did. But two kids later, she is a doting GP. Things are not perfect, I know she disagrees with some of the things I do with my DSs but she doesn't interfere (much!) and as the kids grow bigger, it's obvious to see they are good boys and she loves them with all their hearts. It's 8 years ago now that the wedding 'fiasco' happened and it's all but a distant memory. I know it will feel very raw now but do try to work on it and give it some time. You need to tell your DH and he needs to be on your side but be guided by how he wants to 'manage' your relationship with his mother. I could never ever live with making DH choose between me and his mother. Good luck!

"And on hindsight, we weren't totally blame-free, we should have discussed it with them rather than just presenting it to them as matter closed, this is what we have decided."

Why? Your marriage, your decision!

Good grief, I´d rather cut her out-she has made her feelings clear & not apologised.

angel-you had a wedding you didn´t like to please your ILs?

Maybe OP doesn´t want to be walked all over?

Have you told your DP yet? I hope he'll be as upset as you TBH. How awful!

At least she had the sense to flounce off and not have her arse thrown out.

I'm afraid I'd have to go zero contact from now on. If it were just insults being hurled at me, then I'd allow contact with the DC, but as she saw fit to call them the BASTARD CHILDREN, I'd be revoking that privilege as well.

She rang up to try and damage limit, not to apologise. She still thinks she had a right to say those things.

I wouldn't allow my DS to have contact with anyone that thought, let alone shrieked in his presence, that he was a bastard.

If she ever said she was sorry about this to me I'd be telling her to PROVE IT.

If I were you, nothing less than a grovelling unconditional apology and retraction would be enough for her to ever be allowed over my threshold again. I hope your DP backs you up, she was out of order in the extreme and sounds like a pretty vile person IMO.

I am the most mild mannered person you will ever meet. I have been insulted to my back teeth by my MIL and have let it go, like a big soft lump. But the day she called my children "bastard children" is the day she would hit the pavement outside my front door head first, with my boot up her arse. If you let this go you will give her permission to make little of you and say what she wants. You deserve nothing less than a grovelling apology and she should be sitting at home worrying that she has done unrepairable damage.

The nasty old bastard.

OMG am very for you, I agree with some of the other post that this for me would be unforgivable and it would take allot of grovelling for me to speak to the woman again

Jesus I read it again and its worse reading the second time. I wonder what "input" she thinks she should have had in her grown up sons life. What a wagon.

"Give it time honestly don't do anything rash"

angel after putting up with that vile shit from your ILs I hate to think what kind of MIL you'll be one day in order to wreak revenge on a poor unsuspecting DIL.

angel you just CANNOT put up with that type of rude behaviour from anyone let alone a MIL and at times I suspect the only reason any DILs/SILs DO is because they want the inheritance and/or house when it comes round. And the excuse of not wanting to deprive kids of their GPs is a nonargument as kids should have relatonships with positive people who respect their mum otherwise it's noxious.

orangelantern surely you must've picked up on the bad vibes earlier emanating from your MIL?

OP I sympathise, yr MIL has behaved appallingly. YANBU but you are going to have to mend bridges with her eventually and how you handle this now could set the tone for the kind of relationship you have with her in the future.

If you read your own posts back you will see plenty of sentiments you should be sharing with her about how hurt you feel and how it is simply unacceptable to call her own dgcs bastards. Sit down with her, possibly without your dp. If she can accept she's been totally out of order and that she needs to change the way she thinks about yours and dp's relationship then you have a good basis for future relationship with her.

TBH, I can´t believe that she actually said such things-honest to goodness, how would an apology even come close?

My MIL phoned up my mum to say she was worried that I would "hurt" her son.

I was and

Husband was -and mortified that MIL thought that she had a right to say anything-and that any notice would be taken.

But most of all that she hadn´t said it to him

Orangelantern what have you done, have you told dp? This is simply outrageous from her. SERIOUS grovelling needed from her, and even then I think a lot of time would have to pass before I even thought about building bridges again.
What a witch! I thought my MIL was bad!