AIBU to think that being upset is no excuse for MIL's behaviour??

[Orangelantern]

My dp quit his job (a good job, but which he HATED) to try and set up his own business. We have saved every single penny we have had to spare for the last 5 years in anticipation for this. We have enough to live comfortably for the next year at least if not more and will not be claiming benefits etc. We are expecting baby no.3 and we felt this as a good time to do this for a number of reasons.
Anyway dp doesn't have a super relationship with his mother. She's quite hard work but overall bar a few thoughtless remarks she's always been nice and polite if nothing else to me. I really had no issues whatsoever with herbefore today!

So she came down to visit today for the first time since Christmas (we live about 3 hours away) and dp tells her that he has given up work, and she went very quiet and then says good luck and changes the subject.

Dp had already arranged to go to watch the rugby so went as planned leaving me and MIL playing with the 2 kids. Literally the second the door closed she started going bananas at me.
Screaming that this is all my fault. screaming at me telling me that I am wrecking her sons life with my bastard children. Forcing him to give up good jobs just to cater to my whims. And if I just kept my legs closed he wouldn't feel any pressure to make this kind of stupid decision. She called me every name under the sun and all in the presence of my kids, 3 and 1. Ok the 1 year old obviously didn't know what was going on but started bawling anyway and my poor ds was terrified.
She says that I must think that she's stupid and that I am deliberatly making dp hate her, turning him against her. And obviously it was my decision for him not to tell her until it was too late for her to have any input.
All the time I am sitting on the floor of the playroom holding both hysterical kids in my lap and am literally too shocked to say a thing (not usually lost for words)
Then she gathered all her stuff and flounced out, not saying goodbye to the kids or anything!! I am astonished that after so many years she has turned on me like this and in front of her grandkids, who she obviously had no qualms in upsetting!! (took me an hour and a half to calm poor ds)

She has rang me since and gave me a half assed apology, saying she was upset and concerned about dp and the kids etc but to be honest I don't care. I will not be spoken to like this and certainly not in front of my kids. And I will not have my children be called 'Bastards' either!!

AIBU? or should I just accept the apology on the basis that she was upset??

Sorry long post!!

I have issues around self esteem and confidence, and if someone said that to me whoever they were, I would not want them near me tbh.

sorry, sorry this is the first time I have had a chance to get online today. Wow what a day! I didn't get much sleep last night and this morning I was livid. I think I was in shock last night but this morning it had sunk in for sure!
well I decided to take the high road and not tell dp, not to protect her in anyway but to protect dp. As I said they have don't have the best relationship as is do the thoughts of destroying it wasn't sitting well with me.(she really doesn't have anyone else- FIL and herself divorced a few years ago which is where the difficulties with herself and dp lie) So this morning I rang her before dp got up and told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be telling dp the nasty things she said but that our relationship was well and truely over and that I did not want her near the kids with that kind of toxic attitude but for the sake of dp and dp only I would not disclose the nature of our falling out. Very gracious of me, I thought.
So about half an hour later she started ringing dp saying I was threatening her with all sorts and banning her from seeing her grandkids for no reason and trying to turn him against her. Apparently I am over sensitive and took something up the wrong way!!! At which point my ds wanders into the room and hugs daddy and says nana was shouting and made me and mommy and baby cry. Nana scary.
So obviously my dp knows me and knows his mother and so is straight away saying 'what did she do?'
So I tell him and he was terrifyingly angry, I mean in the 10 years I have known him I have never seen him so mad. He straight away gets his coat on and goes up to the hotel up the road where she's staying apparently, and came home not 10 minutes later and said that he has dealt with it and she would not be coming to see us again. He is really upset and keeps apologising and I feel so bad I should have just taken it on the chin and not involved him. I'm a big girl and the kids didn't understand what she was saying and now I know him, he will never see her again (or at least for a long long time)

Don't be too elaborately humble here - it's his choice to defend you. Good for him. She should know better than to treat people like this, she's had a long time in the world to learn, she's not some stroppy teen who hasn't learned to behave nicely yet.

Doesn't sound remotely like Alzheimers to me. Sounds like she's thick, and spoilt, and a bit of a cow.

orangelantern it is not your fault by any stretch of the imagination. You and DP need time to digest this awful situation. You didn't burden him, you tried to protect him but like you said, he knows you and he knows his mother. He's made the choice to act on it as he sees fit.

I think your husband is wonderful. He has his priorities right.

when I read about all the people on here whose husbands put their mother first and trample all over the woman they supposedly chose to love and cherish - it makes me happy to know that, out there somewhere, is a man who knows who his family really is.

Good for him.

You didn't ask for the abuse. You tried to protect her. She chose to tell him.

For his reaction to her telling him to be 'What did she do?' there's obviously a long history of issues.

Wow, That sounds final Orange! Funny enough, the way that discovery came about kind of meant that you came out of this utterly in the right!

You tried to protect DP, but were clear with MIL as was absolutely right. if she had have kept her mouth quiet today and not rung DP she'd have had a chance to work something out medium term, but this has now blown up spectacularly in her face.

You didn't DO any of this, MIL is clearly truly awful and toxic and definitely not someone you'd want having access to your DC.

"he knows you and he knows his mother. He's made the choice to act on it as he sees fit."

I agree with this. OP your DP is an adult who is capable of making his own mind up and your DC are also his DC. He has chosen to put you and your (collectively) DC first. His mother has made her bed and now she has to lie in it.

You've handled this so well.

Hope DS is OK.

A new chapter, but pity it had to come about in such cricumstances.

op you have done the right thing, and it is not your fault, the situation has shown that your DS was deeply affected by it too and your DP is an angel to protect you all from this.

I agree with Hecate and everyone else, this is not your fault, you should not have to take it on the chin, your dp has every right to know that his mum insulted HIS children and partner in the worse possible way. It is HIS mother who has ruined their relationship not you. You kept it to yourself, but your ds heard and made it known what he had seen and heard to your partner so you could nto have kept it from him. You have a good man there, who puts his family first.

"he knows you and he knows his mother. He's made the choice to act on it as he sees fit."

Absolutely.

She called her grandchildren b* & blamed you for every problem that he has had since knowing you-whether real or perceived.

You have nothing to feel bad about imo.

Hoorah for DH.

Makes a refreshing change from so many of the blokes on here who would rather stick their heads in the sand to keep the peace.

orange Well done! I think you have handled yourself with dignity. And I am glad your DH handled it so well.

To all those who think I am a walkover, I don't really care! To us, we couldn't care less about a wedding. It's the marriage that is important to me. So what if I had a wedding I didn't like, the marriage is still strong. And also, we did the same for my parents i.e. my parents (living overseas) organised a wedding for us and we turned up and attended. We had a good time, it was a bit of a laugh honestly, this time my mum turned up in the bride's dress (it was a pink taffeta number , my brother turned over to me and said, "Doesn't mum look stupid?" I told him to shut up and not say a word!).

And bull to all those who say a marriage is about two people, yes, it is but it's also about two extended families coming together. My ILs dote on the DCs (they are at theirs for a sleepover tonight) and the DCs love them to death. If we had a blow-up over the wedding 8 years ago, I could have denied my DCs this wonderful relationship they have now with their GPs and over a wedding? No way! Not saying orange should do the same (her MIL does sound vile!), all I am saying is she needs to sleep on it. Anyhow, she has done herself proud, and so has her DH. :)

I think your partner is lovely and don't you dare feel bad about what has happened. His 'D'M is totally to blame, especially after you gave her a second chance and offered to keep what she had said a secret. It is her fault if her son has cut her off, for twisting your words and trying to make it sound like you were the one in the wrong.

She sounds like a prize bitch and your DP has the measure of her, good for him!

Maybe a few months down the line you will be in a space to accept her heartfelt appology, if she is willing to give it. If not, you are all better off without her toxicity in your lives.

You have no reason to feel bad it is all her, do not let her make you think otherwise.

Well done your dp!

Your DP is a good man, I hope his mother stays away from you now

Good for your dp- and makes a nice change from recurrent Aibu theme of dh/dp not sticking up for partners. I hope you and dc are over shock as must have been thoroughly unpleasant

I am glad for you that you have such a lovely DP who is prepared to defend his family.

He has made it clear to MIL where his loyalties lie and it will do you all good to have her out of your lives for a while.

If she tries to re-establish contact in the future then you and DH are in a much stronger position to tell her what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't if you're prepared to give her the chance

Awww your poor DS.
So glad it is sorted and your DP was amazing!

But feel for him as well, he deserves a much better mother.

Still you have each other and your lovely children. Your MIL is the one who is the loser here, having lost her son and her grandchildren.

I've been lurking here and just wanted to add that none of this is your fault, alll of it is her's.

Well done for your excellent behaviour under extreme provocation

Well done the both of you.

This really not a secret you could have kept from your dp for long - it would have festered, and sooner or later it would have come out, and he might have felt hurt that you didn't confide in him in the first place.

You don't need to feel guilty for not hiding it - the guilt is all your MIL's.

Horrible women like her give MIL's a bad name.
Good for you and Good for your husband.
Partners come FIRST and parents from both sides should take a back seat.
I am sure it will take you both a long time to forget her evil venom, but you sound as if you are a terrific family, so enjoy letting the old trout stew alone in her own miserable world. Good Luck