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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In wanting to get married, just DP & I?

185 replies

Hammy02 · 03/01/2011 13:37

My partner & I want to get married abroad, just the 2 of us and have a party for friends and family when we get back. My partner is on a good wage but we are trying to save for a deposit for our first house and can't justify spending thousands on a wedding. Has anyone else done this? I don't think my mum would ever forgive me.

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 03/01/2011 13:45

YANBU

Be prepared for some to errr....disagree strongly with you though.

stoppinchingthedummy · 03/01/2011 13:50

No absolutly not being unreasonable- a marriage is about two people only declaring their love - why pay for others to be there if you cant afford to - go ahead and do what you both want to do and yea have a damn good party when you get back Grin

pongonperdy · 03/01/2011 13:51

We di this but took parents with us. It was great. They went home the day after the wedding and we stayed for an extra week.

Other family membersva bit put out but soon got over it.

whensteaready · 03/01/2011 13:53

I got married in Vegas, just me and my DH 10 years ago. We never told anyone until we got back. It was the best day of my life.

mamaloco · 03/01/2011 13:53

We did this. But DH's dad wasn't happy about it. All the other parents were fine with it. Actually, my mum and Sdad did that too a bit later!

curlymama · 03/01/2011 13:55

Sod what your Mum thinks, she's had her wedding. Unless of course she offers to pay for the whole thing, your way. She can still have involvement in planning the party.

We had a huge wedding, so can't help you there, but we did go to a friends post wedding abroad party and it was lovely. They got married in Italy and made that the theme of the party, and they had a big acreen with lots of wedding photos on, her Dad got to do a speech, and she got to wear her dress twice.

Go for it. Your wedding, your choice.

minervaitalica · 03/01/2011 13:55

YANBU in wanting it; however, a couple of my friends have done it, upsetting their close families badly. Having seen the fallout, I would rather do a small budget wedding than having to deal with that mess.

BlueCollie · 03/01/2011 13:58

Just do it and don't tell them until it's done. For various reasons we had a commitment ceremony in a place I used to play as a child and it was fantastic. However, My DH's family think they are going to be there when we do the legal part but I'm not having it. That is going to be me and my man and no-one is ever going to know the date. Im sure I will be slagged off but who cares I want to cherish it and have that part how we want it and not cater to the relatives..did that with the commitment ceremony. It's your wedding so do want you want.

Lovecat · 03/01/2011 14:00

A friend and her DH did this, her DH is cripplingly shy and it would be his idea of hell to stand up in front of a crowd and speak or even to be watched in front of a crowd of people, no matter how close to him. They went to Vegas and had a lovely time.

However, friends's parents were v. toxic and already estranged from her, and her DH's parents knew their son's phobia and were quite happy to let them do it, so that issue didn't arise.

Perhaps talk to your mum about it? See how she reacts? She may blow up a bit at first but if she sees it's really what you want to do, when it sinks in she ought to be supportive...

robino · 03/01/2011 14:01

We got married in June. Just the two of us, the DDs, two mumsnetters as witnesses. Great. And still nobody knows!

stoppinchingthedummy · 03/01/2011 14:01

Oh and just to add no matter what u do re weddings, someone always ends up upset over it - dont let anyone else worry you they will all get to be part of the party and you get to still have a special day on a cheaper budget just how u want it

Sierra19 · 03/01/2011 14:02

I got married very recently after being with my (now) DH for a loooong time (since school). I never wanted to get married and only changed my mind because I am now pregnant and not right in the head.

Anyway, to save blabbering on..... My situation is different from yours but I would have loved to have just done me and him, but he HAD to have his mum there, so I had to have both my sisters (could not have just had one or the other, so he then has to have his dad.... Anyway, I did feel the whole thing got a bit out of control and although it was only a small wedding it turned out to be much more of a big deal (to other people) than it did to us.

My friend is also in a similar situation at the moment. She started with two witnesses, and is now up to 30 people at the last count with a reception at the local five star hotel. Not what she wanted to begin with, it's all snowballed out of control.

Others are incredibly selfish when it comes to weddings. I am not sure why they feel the need to do things to satisfy themselves over the bride and groom.

stoppinchingthedummy · 03/01/2011 14:02

robino- wicked Grin but why do people still not know ? lol

taintedsnow · 03/01/2011 14:04

You need to read this thread about secret weddings, they can work out. Xmas Grin

I personally would go for the small wedding rather than the abroad wedding though, given your reasons for it. Saves you money and you avoid any fallout from the families.

Good luck and congratulations!

taintedsnow · 03/01/2011 14:05

Ooh Robino! I just linked your thread! Glad no one knows still!

diddl · 03/01/2011 14:06

YANBU-although a wedding with close family & friends doesn´t have to cost thousands.

FakePlasticTrees · 03/01/2011 14:10

YANBU - although a couple I know who did this her mother is still upset 2 years on. Others have taken parents and siblings only, which seems to solve that problem.

robino · 03/01/2011 14:11

stop - just seems like more hassle than it's worth! No-one other than my old bat of a grandma is bothered that we're not married; was really just for the legal reasons in the end!

Tainted - I did have a very involved dream the other night that after DC3 was born (due in Feb) we had a big picnic and naming ceremony for all three kids and just announced it then. The dream had a lovely ending - everybody was thrilled. Not sure if real life would be so great though!

taintedsnow · 03/01/2011 14:17

Hehe Xmas Grin, you did the right thing for your family and that's all you need to know. I would hope the wider family would be massively happy for your, but I suspect there would be a couple raining on your parade! Lovely dream though!

Are you thinking of telling them all?

Best of luck with DC3, my DC1 should arrive then as well!

DownyEmerald · 03/01/2011 14:19

I'm in dilemma about this - would like just parents but dp has brother and sister as well and sister has two kids, so then my parents very outnumbered, so back to just us and dd, and probably mega upset parents - mine would be understanding, dp's not, and I just go round in circles and not getting married!

So I can't help really!

mjinsparklystockings · 03/01/2011 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Ephiny · 03/01/2011 14:32

I want to do this, though will probably end up inviting both sets of parents (and maybe siblings) so as not to cause too much family upset.

My ideal situation would be for it to just be the two of us and just not tell family etc (like robino we'd be just doing it for legal reasons) but DP is very close to his immediate family and does't feel he can not tell/include them...

PhishFoodAddiction · 03/01/2011 14:35

Me and DH got married in secret 3 years ago, we just had DD1 there, and my sis and best friend as witnesses.

It was perfect.

My family were fine about it and really happy for us.

MIL wasn't best pleased to put it mildly, but she got over it Grin and BIL has just had a big wedding to keep her happy! BIL refusedto come to our wedding (dh wanted him as witness) he felt he couldn't if the rest of the family weren't going.

I never wanted a big wedding or a big fuss, or to waste spend a fortune on one day, so our wedding worked out really well for us. At BIL's wedding, I was thinking it was a lovely day but I was so glad me and DH did it our way.

ledkr · 03/01/2011 14:37

we tried to do this as we both have big families in different parts of the uk and elderly gps who wouldnt be ble to travel and we just wanted to get married,thats all.
planned it with two close friends as witnesses on xmas eve then a nice meal at a swanky place with just dd then 5,my ds knew and were all working and they were happy for us to go ahead.
About a week before dh(the big mummys boy)felt guilty and told pils who then insisted on coming,dh too pussy to refuse,left me in the dlemma of then having to ask my mum and dad who both have partners then pils rudely bought sil so i had to have mine and my ds's then couldnt come to what had then become a "proper wedding" of course pil and sil had to stay at ours which i really needed just before xmas and i then felt i had to buy an outfit and do something afterwards.We may as well have had a massive wedding in the end.
To be honest it ruined the day,their refusal to let dh make his own decisions has continued to blight our relationship and i still feel bitter about not having my boys there.
If you want to do it then dont tell anyone that seems to be the way forward.Good luck.

Topspin · 03/01/2011 14:39

We're about to do the same after being together for many years. We have kids who are old enough to be witnesses, so it'll be just the four of us! It's for legal reasons and I doubt we'll tell all and sundry, although we won't hide it either.

Neither of our families will be particularly interested to I'm pretty sure they won't be put out. A few of our friends might not like it but it's how we want to do it and hopefully they'll understand...