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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In wanting to get married, just DP & I?

185 replies

Hammy02 · 03/01/2011 13:37

My partner & I want to get married abroad, just the 2 of us and have a party for friends and family when we get back. My partner is on a good wage but we are trying to save for a deposit for our first house and can't justify spending thousands on a wedding. Has anyone else done this? I don't think my mum would ever forgive me.

OP posts:
earwicga · 03/01/2011 20:09

spikeycow, I think we all want that. But not all of us think we are entitled to dominate our children's lives, especially when they are old enough to marry.

AuntiePickleBottom · 03/01/2011 20:11

i can imagine Spikeycow in years to come being upset that she can't be at the birth of her grandchildren

spikeycow · 03/01/2011 20:11

And people saying do I want to be at birth registrations etc are being daft. Why are you insinuating that families being at weddings is abnormal?

spikeycow · 03/01/2011 20:15

Expecting not to be rejected isn't being dominating. I hated my ex "MIL" but if I had married her son she still would have been there

mozette · 03/01/2011 20:16

Not insinuating that AT ALL! Some people merely see a wedding as a means to a legal end - much the same as registering a birth.

To the OP - go for it! I am planning to do much the same thing :)

spikeycow · 03/01/2011 20:21

But how can bride and groom both see it the same way every time? What if bride was from a massive catholic family who went all out for weddings, and groom saw it as a quick legal in and out thing, and his family weren't bothered? If money is no option why not have the big wedding to save hurt feelings?

earwicga · 03/01/2011 20:23

Sorry spikeycow, but all your comments do add up to a dominating woman. Hence the Pauline Fowler image I add to your name. Perhaps you could have a little think about the expectations you lay at your childrens feet. It doesn't sound good from here.

Otoh - I just asked my kids if they are grateful for me looking after them and they both said yes, and thanks. Was quite sweet really. I would like it if as adults they appreciated what I have done for them, but not grateful per se.

mozette · 03/01/2011 20:25

I am from a massive catholic family but my wedding day will be about what I want (and DP) - money is an option as I am a grown woman and wouldn't dream of expecting my parents to pay for it

spikeycow · 03/01/2011 20:26

Anyway OP, even if you do it alone, it isn't just a case of "my wedding I do what I want to hell with everyone else" like some people are saying. If you can't afford it you explain the situation and do your best to make sure your family don't feel sad or unwanted. Don't listen to theperson people who say children owe nothing and can be selfish for now and ever more

spikeycow · 03/01/2011 20:27

I'm not Pauline Fowler I'm 31 years old Angry! Do you mind?!

mozette · 03/01/2011 20:27

I don't see how I can hurt people's feeling just because I don't throw a big do? Will my second cousin really be that bothered if they aren't invited to a reception of someone that they never see? Wouldn't bother me in the slightest if the shoe was on the other foot. I would rather that my family got married they way they wanted to do it rather than to ensure that everyone enjoyed a party

earwicga · 03/01/2011 20:27

Ha ha! Children don't owe their parents anything! That isn't the same as selfishness.

earwicga · 03/01/2011 20:28

Pauline Fowler was 31 years old once Grin

expatinscotland · 03/01/2011 20:28

'Don't listen to theperson people who say children owe nothing and can be selfish for now and ever more'

Yes, only listen to people who dictate to you whose opinion you should entertain. Hmm

AuntiePickleBottom · 03/01/2011 20:28

because spiky it is what the couple want, a marriage is between 2 people.

some wants a big white wedding with all the bells and whistles....other don't.

spikeycow · 03/01/2011 20:28

Grateful, appreciate same thing. Part of that is considering feelings IMO

usualsuspect · 03/01/2011 20:29

Lol @ spikycow being Pauline Fowler ..more like Peggy Mitchell

MsHighwater · 03/01/2011 20:29

If you want a wedding with just you and your dp (and witnesses) then say so. Claiming that it's to save money then spending, inevitably, far more on a holiday than you could do a low-key wedding for at home is unlikely to impress.

expatinscotland · 03/01/2011 20:31

No way, Pauline all the way, usual. Remember how relieved Sonia looked when Martin and their daughter and she were all in the taxi and left the square for good?

:o

spikeycow · 03/01/2011 20:31

It doesn't even have to be a big thing. If you are going down the local registry, for example, why would you want to exclude family? I just don't get it. Why?

spikeycow · 03/01/2011 20:31

I'll be Bianca. That's my final offer

mozette · 03/01/2011 20:33

Because the local registry office is a 20 minute meeting with a registrar? It is much quicker and cheaper than seeing a lawyer to sort out wills. Would my mum want to come to a meeting with my lawyer too?

expatinscotland · 03/01/2011 20:36

It's also cheaper at the Registrar than seeing a solicitor to arrange the same type of legal protection as a co-habitating couple that you get by being married.

omnietyinstables · 03/01/2011 20:36

Because Spikey - then you have to organise some sort of food for afterwards somewhere and some peoples families are such that even close family will be 25 people and then you're into other peoples expectations again - of what your wedding should be like.

I do find big weddings at the polo club with all the bells and whistles to be a bit passe and if you live in a big city its actually quite hard to do a wedding for lots of people in a low key way - you either do it in a proper wedding reception place or not at all really - hence our wedding for us and a later party for everyone else.

Its not an exclusion or a rejection - to think that is to assumes its about you as a MIL or a SIL or whatever which it isnt, its just about the couple.

spikeycow · 03/01/2011 20:38

This is all hair splitting now anyway. My image of a wedding is a registry office, crammed with friends and family. Then a big piss up, with children running around, no separate evening do, or levels of invite. Not all posh, just a good day celebrating with everyone.