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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In wanting to get married, just DP & I?

185 replies

Hammy02 · 03/01/2011 13:37

My partner & I want to get married abroad, just the 2 of us and have a party for friends and family when we get back. My partner is on a good wage but we are trying to save for a deposit for our first house and can't justify spending thousands on a wedding. Has anyone else done this? I don't think my mum would ever forgive me.

OP posts:

robino · 03/01/2011 14:40

Downyemerald - that is why we ended up doing it in secret, and so far, keeping it that way. After DP had a health scare, ended up in hospital miles away and we realised that legally I wasn't his next of kin and there were potential diffculties if one or other of us died (despite wills being in place) we decided we should get married straight away. 10 months later we were still prevaricating about who to invite (didn't want a big do at all). We ended up making an appointment at the registry office for the next afternoon and taking the next legally available date.

Tainted - can't decide whether we'll ever tell people!

midori1999 · 03/01/2011 14:45

YANBU. It was a second marriage for both of us, but DH and I got married in Jamaica. It was largely due to his ex wife being difficult about his DC coming and we felt if we went abroad with no DC (neither his nor mine) it would solve the problem of mine being there but not his. Was meant to be just the two of us, but his Mum and StepDad ended up coming and also his brother and fiance. Loved it and we had a webcast of the wedding for the DC and family/friends to watch at home live. Oddly, DH's ex wife watched that with her DC. Maybe she didn't want to be left out..

All in all, we could have got married in the UK for the same money if we'd chosen to, but we chose an expensive resort and I had a 'proper' dress. It was wonderful though and I wouldn't have changed it for anything.

chocolateshoes · 03/01/2011 14:49

yanbu - we got married - me, Dp and DS plus 2 witnesses. Ddin't tell anyone - local reg office and a very nice lunch. No stress no expense. We had been together 19yrs and had always said we wouldn't get married - it was more for next of kin reasons.

We told family after a bit and my parents were furious - they found it very hard to deal with - felt they had been rejected. Dh's parents were fine.

MsKLo · 03/01/2011 14:52

Please please have the wedding YOU want!

My DH and I went away on our own an it was fantastic! (inbox me if you want details as the place was lovely!) an then had a party when we got back

Our wedding was amazing - barefoot on the beach and all about us, if that is what you want, do it!

ledkr · 03/01/2011 14:58

i echo that msklo i feel all annoyed now just from talking about it,2 yrs later.I wish idstuck to the original plan-jeans and nobody else there and then straight to resturant on our own,they'd have felt foolish then

BiscuitNibbler · 03/01/2011 15:00

We went to Vegas and it was great. A wedding is just about the two of you, so forget about trying to please everyone. When we married they actually put it live on the internet so everyone at home could watch us anyway.

Bearcat · 03/01/2011 15:09

Our friends had secret wedding but in UK and only invited 2 witnesses and then went for a nice lunch with them afterwards.
They had lived together for 20+ years and had no kids.
They told us in a christmas card.
At his 50th a few years later his brother made a very amusing speech and asked them if next time they got married could they invite the family! Very amusing and made everyone lol!

lololizzy · 03/01/2011 15:11

i think i'm going to do this too as my family are being very very controlling and overbearing

ReindeerBollocks · 03/01/2011 18:08

My partner and I are getting married in secret in a few weeks time. We are getting married secretly as we are undergoing operations in March and would like to be married 'just in case'.

However, we had arranged a wedding for the end of this year, most of which is organised, so for the sake of our parents we will be having a blessing of our marriage instead.

Could /would you have a celebration in the form of a small evening party, after you have done the secret deed? That way parents/relatives and friends will all be able to wish you their congratulations.

earwicga · 03/01/2011 18:11

YANBU. My sister did this. I did feel a little upset at the time, but soon got over it. There is no way she and her husband could of coped with the stress of a big family wedding, and both sides are big. They were going to have some sort of party after, but never got round to it and it didn't really matter.

Enjoy.

spikeycow · 03/01/2011 18:26

If you get on with your family why would you snub them like that? Or are you trying to prove something to your MIL? Why don't you just tell everyone to fuck off and not bother you again, or won't you inherit anything then?

spikeycow · 03/01/2011 18:27

And who are all these families that "don't mind"

spikeycow · 03/01/2011 18:28

Oh you cant afford it? That's different

bb99 · 03/01/2011 18:34

YANBU - it's your wedding.

My brother and his wife did this - they sent invitations and let us know the where and the when and how they would love people to come if they really wanted to, but that they didn't expect any of us to, or any gifts as they were going away for it.

But so many people turned up, they needed extra seating in the chapel . The only downside was that we had to buy our own dinner (flights and hotels etc), but his FIL paid for the booze!

Are you going away because of the cost of a wedding, or because you'd like to have an intimate one?

expatinscotland · 03/01/2011 18:36

I wouldn't mind a bit if any of my children did this. Wouldn't feel snubbed at all.

Your life, your business. I have no right to dictate how they get married or if they do at all.

I know people who married and didn't tell their families because there'd be nothing but grief.

YANBU.

Dawnybabe · 03/01/2011 18:42

My dh and I decided to marry abroad. His dad didn't speak to him for three months and we still can't mention it now. My mum and brother and sister were going to come but the trip got put back because of a hurricane, my mum became too ill to fly and although they were happy for me to go my db & ds wouldn't leave her so we went on our own and had a big bash when we got back. I thought I might have a family blessing at a later date but mum died not long after that. Wish I'd stayed at home now.

spikeycow · 03/01/2011 18:42

I don't get people who can afford for everyone to come and then fuck their families off. Your parents bring you up, you share your life with siblings and friends and then as soon as you get married you fuck them all off and it's all "about me and what I want". I'd be furious and if my sons did this they wouldn't see me again. You don't just dispose of your family like garbage

expatinscotland · 03/01/2011 18:44

'You don't just dispose of your family like garbage'

You apparently do if they don't do things on your terms conditions, why expect them to be different?

I can't believe a person would cut off their child over something like this, but now I see why I know some people who haven't told their parents they're married.

earwicga · 03/01/2011 18:45

But you would 'dispose' of your sons if they didn't have a wedding you could go to spikeycow? Nice.

kitty4paws · 03/01/2011 18:46

I think it would be very romatic and intimate just the two of you. Like you were eloping ( in a good way!)

A marriage is between two people, you do it however you want.

superv1xen · 03/01/2011 18:49

havent read the rest of the thread but just wanted to say a massive YANBU !!!!!

me and dp get married 4 weeks saturday eek and its just going to be the 2 of us, our kids and our parents in a registry office, then we are buggering off (without dc) on a mini break to a lovely spa hotel for lots of shagging relaxing, i cant wait :o

spikeycow · 03/01/2011 18:49

No, I've brought my children up and have every right not be disposed of. If I'm not wanted at the wedding then I'm not wanted full stop. It's not terms and conditions, it's about family, community, celebrating your day. I go to my friends weddings, but my son doesn't want me? Or keeps it a secret? Why on earth would you keep your wedding a secret. I want people around me who love me, not despise me. I have the right to be treated properly, now and when I've brought them up

spikeycow · 03/01/2011 18:51

How can someone have a wedding their mother "can't go to". Unless they can't afford it which is different. Why hang on to people who don't want you?

expatinscotland · 03/01/2011 18:53

Your children owe you nothing. You have no 'rights'. If my mother tried to lord it over me like that, I'd not have a thing to do with her anyhow. That's sounds downright toxic. I'm glad that's now how I see bringing up children. I bring them up to be happy, healthy, personally and socially responsible people independent of myself.

My own mother brought me up knowing that, barring perhaps becoming a convicted murderer or such like, her love was unconditional and bringing me up was something she did out of love, not as a contract by which I then 'owed' her.

spikeycow · 03/01/2011 18:54

And how would I be cutting off my child? They would have shown me loud and clear that family means nothing.
Thankfully, I'm working class and all my mates have brilliant weddings, children are welcome, parents are welcome obviously, there is none of this rejecting people. It's all about community

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