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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

that I only got a text from Mum on Christmas Day

161 replies

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 08:32

Bit of background I'm an an only child, my Mum is single. I have a 10 week old baby. I live 200 miles from both sets of parents. Me and dh invited my mum to pil for Christmas as she on her own. Should have been baby's first Christmas family thing. She said on phone on 23rd dec she wasn't up to driving she had a small op a month ago. So later that evening I offered her a lift would pick up and drop off so she could come for dinner and see her grandson on Christmas day. I got a text saying she wasn't up for socilizing and still had flu from hospital. She went to a Christmas party a couple of weeks ago so that is rubbish . I then text to say my other idea was to visit her on boxing day but if she isn't up to socilizing we will have to see her next time? I thought she would then say please visit but just got some silly text about weather.

She also refuses to choose a grandparent name as it means she is old! So she I assume spent Christmas alone . I have always seen her on Christmas day so it is very strange . I normally always ring her about once a week she never calls so I thought I will wait for a phone call but nothing not even Christmas day! It's very strange I have text back until yesterday when she knew I travelled back I haven't replied I am going to see how long it takes her to pick up the phone.

I last visited her end of nov when she gave us our presents so now I feel she never intended to come to inlaws for Christmas but I can't understand why she didn't want to see her baby grandson.

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 29/12/2010 08:40

I think YABU - she's had an op (even if it was a small one) and she's told you that she's got the flu - imagine how crappy Christmas must have been for her on her own feeling poorly. Perhaps the flu came on after the Christmas party she went to - would be highly unlikely that she's had flu for four weeks.

Parsgirl · 29/12/2010 08:45

I would be worried about her rather than angry TBH. Speak to her don't text and don't play games about not phoning her until she phones you. I think you need to get to the bottom of it. Good Luck

Pheebe · 29/12/2010 08:46

I would go and see her if you can. On your own. Hospital can be incredibley emotionally draining for older people and she may genuinely not have felt up to being in your inlaws house for christmas. If she has/had flu she may also be scared of passing it on to your grandson also. I'd definitely go and see her.

MollieO · 29/12/2010 08:47

Yabu. It would be different if she had turned down an invite to your home but she hasn't. She has simply not wanted to spend Christmas with your Pil. Completely understandable imo.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 08:48

Flisspaps she claims she caught the flu in hospital. So it is month long flu. She also drove a 30 mile round trip to dentist two weeks ago as well as well as friends Christmas party. I don't doubt she isn't 100 % well but she had no problem seeing me and dh when out of hosp for major op in summer. I looked after her for 9 days while 7 months pregnant she had a virus then but was happy for me to be there!

OP posts:

MollieO · 29/12/2010 08:50

She is also probably upset that you chose to spend your dd's first Christmas with your Pil and not with her. But of course wouldn't say anything.

I chose my mum's GP name. You could suggest a name. I know retired aged GPs who insist their gc call them by their first name. Personally I think that is a bit odd but that may be something else to suggest.

Parsgirl · 29/12/2010 08:52

Call her and ask without being angry or resentful. She's your Mum and am assuming up to now you have had a good relationship. YABU without knowing all the facts.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 08:52

Phoebe I can't go and see her now we drove back yesterday. Also I couldn't see her on my own over Christmas don't drive and she lives hour drove away from in laws. I suggested we visited her but she obviously wasn't interested.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 29/12/2010 08:52

I think I'd give her the benefit of the doubt for a bit - I'm wondering if it's possible she's depressed.

MollieO · 29/12/2010 08:53

You seem to have completely missed the point that her excuse of having flu is simply that - an excuse. She probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings and I imagine would have been upset that you didn't bother to call her on Christmas Day.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 08:55

My mum has a Staffordshire bull terrier that's why we can't stay there also her bungalow is so fill of junk you can only just get out of bed nevermind with a Moses basket so there was no choice. If she put her dog in kennels at christmas I would attempt to stay! At last visit dog hot put in her boot but not fair for long time. Dog lept at me when pregnant and ripped top would not have in house with ds.

OP posts:

waitwhat · 29/12/2010 08:58

See her outside the house then if you think its a shit hole.Take her out with the baby.Tbh your mother sounds lonely

MollieO · 29/12/2010 09:01

Drip feeding info. why couldn't you have stayed at home for Christmas, collected your mum and taken her back home after Christmas when visiting your Pil? Have you also thought about helping your mum tidy her house? You sound rather self absorbed. Understandable if you have just had a baby but you have to understand you need to think of others. I wouldn't have expected my mother to call me at my Pil it would be my job to do. You have some bridges to repair imo.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 09:01

I am fully aware the flu thing is an excuse. Relationship has not been great came to help out after ds born left suddenly one afternoon as she didn't feel welcome! I wasn't my normal self but I had just had a baby and was very tired and struggling to bf but my mil stayed the week before and she managed to put up with me.

OP posts:

Parsgirl · 29/12/2010 09:01

Wouldn't go to the house either if the dog had behaved like that previously unless she could put it outside for the duration of visit.

MollieO · 29/12/2010 09:02

The other point that occurs to me is whether you discussed where you planned to spend Christmas or just told her.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 09:03

Mollie there is a lot of info! Can't collect her because of her dog so that's why she likes to stay at home or only go out for a short trip .

OP posts:

Megatron · 29/12/2010 09:04

YAB a but U. I understand you may find it strange but I think YOU need to pick up the phone and not play games like waiting to see how long it takes for her to ring you etc. Maybe she genuinley doesn't feel well enough to travel and spend Christmas at someone else's house. You CAN feel really ropey for a long time after flu so I would be inclined to ring her and be straight with her, tell her you're concerned about her and arrange a visit to her with your son. Texting is fine for some things but I also think is stops people actually talking to each other sometimes. And maybe if you speak to her more than once a week, you'll started to develop a closer relationship.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 09:08

Mollie I asked her months ago if this year we could all spend Christmas together as it will be hard to travel to her then travel to pil all in one day like we used to. We used to visit her and cook her dinner for her. This year I have ds to think of in car seat for 6 hours there and back didn't want to travel on Christmas day for once.

OP posts:

MollieO · 29/12/2010 09:10

Sorry but the bit about the dog wasn't mentioned your first post. Did you discuss Christmas? Does the dog ever go to kennels? If not did you offer to pay for a dogsitter?

Seems to me that you chose where to spend Christmas and expected your mother to fit in. You have now said that she left suddenly when she visited you before. If you had said all that in your first post I would have said that you need to be making an effort to make your mother feel part of her gs's life. At the moment it sounds to me as if you find her irritating and an inconvenience. It is up to you to make the effort here but instead you are moaning because your mother didn't call you whilst you were staying at your Pil. Why couldn't you call her? Especially in view of what happened earlier?

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 09:12

Megatron , why does it have to be always me that calls her though? It seems there would be no relationship if I didn't make an effort. That is what I am trying to work out perhaps that is what she wants. I can't just visit her she lives 220 miles away. So it will be 4 weeks at least before I visit that area again.

OP posts:

Megatron · 29/12/2010 09:13

I also think that perhaps you need to consider that how yOU wanted to spend Christmas just may not have been how SHE wanted to spend it.

ilovesooty · 29/12/2010 09:15

Have you not considered that she might be depressed? In any case I would call her and try to find out what, if anything, is wrong.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 09:18

Mollie I have tried I visited her month ago with him in very bad snow she was more interested in giving me stuff she has cleared out to take back than her gs. We had to then carry all this stuff and gs in car seat through snow to the road where we had managed to park. Normally every christmas I have done exactly what she wants it was just one year when I thought she might be flexible. Her attitude is she likes to be Y home but surely if we all did that nobody would see anyone?!

OP posts:

Megatron · 29/12/2010 09:18

Well, that's kind of what I mean about being straight with her. Talk to her about it, tell her you feel that it's always you who does the ringing, she may not even realise. My parents lived 400 miles away from me and I still managed to see them every 6-8 weeks, with two very small children. Not easy, but definitely do-able. It got to the stage when they just couldn't travel so it was always me that did the visiting but sometimes that's just the way it goes. I lost both of my parents this year, I would give anything to be able to get in the car and drive for 8 hours if they were going to be there when I got there. Be honest, tell her you want to speak to her/spend more time with her. Don't lose your mum while she's still around.

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