that I only got a text from Mum on Christmas Day

[Mirabelle77]

Bit of background I'm an an only child, my Mum is single. I have a 10 week old baby. I live 200 miles from both sets of parents. Me and dh invited my mum to pil for Christmas as she on her own. Should have been baby's first Christmas family thing. She said on phone on 23rd dec she wasn't up to driving she had a small op a month ago. So later that evening I offered her a lift would pick up and drop off so she could come for dinner and see her grandson on Christmas day. I got a text saying she wasn't up for socilizing and still had flu from hospital. She went to a Christmas party a couple of weeks ago so that is rubbish . I then text to say my other idea was to visit her on boxing day but if she isn't up to socilizing we will have to see her next time? I thought she would then say please visit but just got some silly text about weather.

She also refuses to choose a grandparent name as it means she is old! So she I assume spent Christmas alone . I have always seen her on Christmas day so it is very strange . I normally always ring her about once a week she never calls so I thought I will wait for a phone call but nothing not even Christmas day! It's very strange I have text back until yesterday when she knew I travelled back I haven't replied I am going to see how long it takes her to pick up the phone.

I last visited her end of nov when she gave us our presents so now I feel she never intended to come to inlaws for Christmas but I can't understand why she didn't want to see her baby grandson.

Why can't you just tell her your feelings have been hurt?

FakePlasticTrees I don't think that sounds stupid at all.

Mirabelle77, I had a family member who rarely ever called. I think it was because she didn't want to appear needy. She wanted us to call her. She lived alone and wanted to know that we cared for her and never wanted to show that she was needy or what she thought was desperate. It takes all sorts amd it doesn't mean that they don't care. You have to make allowances for different characters, even if they seem odd and a bit cold.

I think you've just summed it all up 'she has been pretty strange in the past' It sounds like it's just the way she is.

I think you made every effort to include her and she DID make excuses. I would guess that the unsympathetic posters on here have normal mothers and a normal relationship with them. Sadly, IME, this isn't always the case. My mother is always difficult and I recently discovered she almost certainly has Narcissitic Personality Disorder. It doesn't change anything but it does explain the behaviour. It also means that I no longer seek approval and feel at fault if I don't get it.
NARCISSITIC TRAITS

As I've got older I realise that some people are just different - maybe it's a personality disorder -- maybe not but some people just don't seem to behave in the way most people expect.

I would say that your mum was miffed that you spent Chrismas at PILs as it means she is no longer centre of your world. Also think Leaving the dog may be am issue for her too.

I would ring her and chat and just move on until the next hiccup

Fakeplastictrees I can't really do the train journey with my bAby it's a 6 hour journey with 4 changes I think , it's really not an excuse but I wouldn't like to do that with 10 week old nearest city is a 4 hour journey with changes but that would mean her driving an hour each way.

Ilovesooty we don't have a relationship like that. She will just act like it's normal and if I say anything I will be accused if being sensitive . She only told me about her latest op a week before she said so I don't have to do anything gave me a guilt trip even though I gave always looked after her in the past I moved in summer and had ds so now I have him as a priority , I don't think she likes this. I arranged for a friend who lives where she does to give her a lift to hosp 80 mile trip for check up but she turned it down. I do try to help her but can't be there as much as I used to.

"I would guess that the unsympathetic posters on here have normal mothers and a normal relationship with them"

Wrong in my case - far from it.

"Ilovesooty we don't have a relationship like that. She will just act like it's normal and if I say anything I will be accused if being sensitive "

That's one of the reasons I suggested writing to her. It's something I've found helpful in the past and it would give you the chance to say what you need to say. You would still be able to reiterate that you love her and are concerned about her.

'She only told me about her latest op a week before she said so I don't have to do anything'

'I arranged for a friend who lives where she does to give her a lift to hosp 80 mile trip for check up but she turned it down'

I think these are examples of her not wanting to be needy and not needing help or charity. She wants to be independent and doesn't want to be a burden. That is another reason she doesn't call. She doesn't want to put you out. If you call her, then she feels that you called because you wanted to and she doesn't feel as if she is putting you out.

That makes sense to me claig. My mum's a lot like that.

But claig only in the summer we drive up and down the country to look after her and age is very particular when you look after her. So she wouldn't change in a couple of months when I was seven months preg she didn't mind me doing all her cleaning sorting out her dog picking up his poo etc she wasn't worried at all!

Yes, my nan was like that. Very difficult and awkward, but not for any bad reason, that was just how she was.

She is very particular stupid I phone

I think she doesn't mind if you offer to do it, but she won't bend and ask you for it. She wants to see you and wants you to care, but she "won't beg". I find you have to be flexible with people like that.

2old4thislark - Christ. I expected to identify with a few of those. Instead it's actually like it's written about my own mother.

Spot on claig. People like that can be difficult but you just have to be flexible. It took me a long time to get my head round that.

One thing my mother doesn't mind doing is putting people out! When I stayed with her for 9 nights to nurse her she had no food in for me and little for her so I had to shop and pay for all her food she earns twice as much as me. I thought she might offer to pay me back but nothing. She accepted a lift of the same friend in summer and offered no petrol money I arranged this time with him that I would pay to avoid the embarrassment of her not offering. She didn't want the lift this time as she is fine to drive which proves she is not ill.

I have been flexible as a single women and a married one but now ds comes first. I know my dh parents would have gone to my mums to see ds. That says it all for me.

being able to drive does not mean you are not ill!

It sounds like you have a problem communicating with her though. Why didnt you ask her for the shopping money?

Text messages can be misunderstood in their context and meaning, especially by the older generation. Why not just pick up the phone and have a proper talk with your mum?

I think you are too harsh on her. People have reasons for their behaviour and we often can't understand them, because they are different to us. But most of the time the reasons make sense from their perspective. Most people don't have bad motives.

Obviously your son comes first.

Is there any reason why you can't write to her? After all, you seem to be seething with resentment over all sorts of things.

And I'm sorry, I don't think what your husband's parents would do is relevant. Different people, different relationships, different dynamics.

I can't understand not asking for the shopping money either.

I think your mum knows that DS comes first and she wouldn't want it any other way. Your PIL may have gone to visit your mum, but that doesn't make them any better than your mum. Your mum is different to them. She is just as good as them.

My mum was the same, wanted me to go down to hers for christmas 11 days after DS was born. I said I just couldn't, that life was totally upside down. 3 times she called me to go down, and tried to guilt me into it.

She also didn't like the Grandmother/Nanny options. She was 60, and remarried the year I was PG. she even said she never wanted to be a GM.

I'd let yourself calm down about it and in the new year call her up and talk to her, or better yet go down and meet her somewhere.

Tell her straight. I did mine, albeit a good while later, once she had got used to the idea and was doting on DS.

I said to her that our GM had helped her when I was born, that she was the same age as mum and didn't come out with this I'm too young to be a GM bollocks.

I told her (gently) that tbh her attitude was really selfish. Did she expect me NEVER to have a family just because she didn't want the GM title?

I was 38, so not like I rushed into anything! I told her that she had her time to be mummy, and now it was my turn. That now she could see how great it was to be a GM, that she ought to reflect on how sad it was for her to behave as she did, and how it will always make me sad to think of the early days. It could have been so much better.

So OK we have got there in the end, and in the scheme of things this is only a blip in life, so you will get over it, whatever happens.

Oh and if you are sitting waiting for a call, it could be that she is scared of waking the baby, so call her yourself!

I didn't even get a phone call of my mum christmas day, she was meant to be coming to me but phoned me a week before to say she was going to her precious son and DIL.
This is the same so called brother who abused me from the ages of 4-12 I'm angry but she's 76 so I'll not mention it, he'll get whats coming to him when she's gone.

Lotstar scary isn't it! I was literally open mouthed in shock when I read it - it describes my DM to a T. I also did a bit of research on other websites and my childhood suddenly made a lot of sense!

Anyway I think the OP just needs to accept that her mother just has a different take on things - don't try to understand or reason with it. Just accept it and carry on doing your best. But also accept that your best may never meet with her complete approval.

OP She's you're mum and she's only 58. Your priority, quite rightly, is your DH and DS.