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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

that I only got a text from Mum on Christmas Day

161 replies

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 08:32

Bit of background I'm an an only child, my Mum is single. I have a 10 week old baby. I live 200 miles from both sets of parents. Me and dh invited my mum to pil for Christmas as she on her own. Should have been baby's first Christmas family thing. She said on phone on 23rd dec she wasn't up to driving she had a small op a month ago. So later that evening I offered her a lift would pick up and drop off so she could come for dinner and see her grandson on Christmas day. I got a text saying she wasn't up for socilizing and still had flu from hospital. She went to a Christmas party a couple of weeks ago so that is rubbish . I then text to say my other idea was to visit her on boxing day but if she isn't up to socilizing we will have to see her next time? I thought she would then say please visit but just got some silly text about weather.

She also refuses to choose a grandparent name as it means she is old! So she I assume spent Christmas alone . I have always seen her on Christmas day so it is very strange . I normally always ring her about once a week she never calls so I thought I will wait for a phone call but nothing not even Christmas day! It's very strange I have text back until yesterday when she knew I travelled back I haven't replied I am going to see how long it takes her to pick up the phone.

I last visited her end of nov when she gave us our presents so now I feel she never intended to come to inlaws for Christmas but I can't understand why she didn't want to see her baby grandson.

OP posts:

Extremelychocolatey · 29/12/2010 09:21

Mirabelle - just ring your mum and have a nice chat; no interrogating, no accusations or laying on the guilt. She's had two ops this year (am I right?), the flu, is probably feeling depressed and didn't feel up to spending Xmas with your in-laws. Be gentle with her.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 09:23

Perhaps being on her own home with her dog is more important at Christmas than seeing me and gs , maybe she was perfectly happy and I have overreacted, perhaps she doesn't care about chatting on the phone and would rather text and that is why she never calls me. Maybe I am just making a problem out of nothing???!

OP posts:

Megatron · 29/12/2010 09:26

But you're making it all about you aren't you? I'm sure she wants to see you and her grandson but you won't know what's going on unless you talk to her, maybe there's more going on than you know. I'm guessing you're not particularly close to your mum if you only talk once a week or don't feel you can have an open and honest conversation about this. Maybe this is your chance to change that.

Extremelychocolatey · 29/12/2010 09:28

She lives alone and her dog is her companion. Perhaps she feels more comfortable in her own home after a tough year.

Megatron - sorry for your loss. Both my parents have been dead for a long time and if they were alive I wouldn't be ruddy texting them at Christmas, I'd drive all day just for a cuppa with my mum.

Megatron · 29/12/2010 09:35

Me too, ExtremelyChoclatey. I'd love to have one of those ridiculous phonecalls with them with both of them talking down the phone at the same time, bickering, dropping the phone and me eventually putting the phone down wondering what they hell they were on about.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 09:40

I'm sorry for you both that you have lost your parents. Extremelychoclatey I did offer to drive and see her but got no response to that just a random text. Also often for days when I do call she doesn't answer the phone even when she knew my waters had broke and my dh rang to say I had ds she didn't answer!

OP posts:

FakePlasticTrees · 29/12/2010 09:47

We rather assume that all woman want to be Grandmothers, but for some woman (and IME tend to be the single 'active' type) it's a horrible aging experience. It's a great big announcement that you are now old as your baby is now a mother. It could be that your DS is like a great big neon sign saying "your life is nearly over, time to crack open the blue rinse and start winding down to your funneral". That might be why she's reluctant to be called 'granny' or 'nan' or anything else like that. It doesn't mean she won't love your DS, just needs some time.

Also, while it might be easy to join someone else's family Christmas (your PIL after all are your family, but not hers) if you are a couple, to go on your own takes a lot of self confidence, which she might be lacking.

Call her. Ask her if she would like you to visit in a couple of weeks (after the Christmas pressure point is out of the way), or could you invite her to stay with you if she's still not feeling well to be looked after (and offer to pay for kennels for the dog so she's not worried about him).

ilovesooty · 29/12/2010 09:48

I think you've determined to make this all her fault tbh. I'm wondering why you posted the thread at all since you've obviously made your mind up.

She could-just could- have been depressed for some time, you know. The clutter in the house, the not answering the phone thing...all this makes me wonder. You could try writing her a letter to tell her you love her and are worried about her: if indeed this transcends your own needs, of course.

onmyfeet · 29/12/2010 09:53

If I am not feeling well, I may travel 30 miles for a Christmas party, but may not be able to face a 200 mile drive for Christmas day. She may not want to pass the flu, (and a flu can last a long time, or she may still not be totally recovered from the major op in summer) onto a small baby? Plus, she doesn't like to leave the dog alone all day.

I think it is a great idea to ask her, next time you are visiting. In a gentle concerned way, ask is everything ok between you two. She may be ill, or exhausted, having menopause, any number of things. Because from what you have said, it sounds like the two of you are fairly close.

As far as the name thing....suggest to her the baby call her by her first name. Hope you work it out.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 09:54

Fakeplastictrees I think she does associate being a grandma with dying etc, the name thing doesn't matter really I guess. I can't visit her without dh no way can travel by train to where she lives be a nightmare and I know she won't visit me.

OP posts:

llareggub · 29/12/2010 09:55

I think people have been a bit harsh on you, Mirabelle. My mother shows no interest in my sons or in me and it is something I have just had to accept. It is hard to understand if you have a normal, loving mother.

For me, I only found out how close the maternal relationship can be when I got married and got to know my MIL. I was amazed by the relationship she had with my DH and it really exposed the dysfunctional relationship I have with my own mother.

Extremelychocolatey · 29/12/2010 09:57

How old is your mum?

2rebecca · 29/12/2010 10:00

I can understand her not wanting to spend xmas day with your husband's parents. It doesn't even sound as though they invited her. Why would you invite your mum to someone else's house? The invite should come from the hosts, not 1 set of visitors. I would refuse to spend xmas with people who hadn't personally invited me, and may prefer to be alone than with people I barely know, especially if I had a pet I didn't want to leave.
I don't get why you didn't phone her on xmas day and have a chat.
You seem to resent her understandable decision not to spend xmas with people she is only vaguely related to and who haven't actually invited her.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 10:02

Ilovesooty I only recently sold my house that she only paid me half mortgage for and I paid all other bills so she could use as a work base I not lived there for 4 years since with dh. This saved her a 80 mile commute I can accept people think I am selfish though that is fine. So everyone thinks I should stay at my mums with ds and the staffy and ignore pil because my mum prefers it . What happens when the dog attacks ds.

Onmyfeet my mums to pil is only 40 miles but we said dh would drive her there and back anyway she just had to stay a couple of hours or whatever and we take her back then could have visited her couple of days later.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 10:03

My mum is 58

OP posts:

Megatron · 29/12/2010 10:07

Again, why don't you talk to her? You seem to be looking for problems to be honest. Put the dog in another room while you are there, sit down and have a conversation with your mum.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 10:08

2rebecca my mil invited my mum via me last Christmas but she wanted to be at home so we spent it with her then drove to pil on Christmas day aft but this year ds makes that a bit unfair so thought it be nice not to have to travel on Christmas day after the 4 hour drive up Christmas eve.

OP posts:

hollynivy · 29/12/2010 10:08

Mirabelle, really life is too short for this stuff. I wish I had had a text from my mum this christmas but sadly she died in October.

You have a new baby and other family and inlaws, your mum is single and you are her only child. Yes she is probably annoying you right now and can be inconsistent effortwise. I know how annoying it can be when they play on illness etc and how little annoyances can build up over the years, but if I have learned anything in the last few months I would say this: dont lose sight of the fact that she loves you and needs you, and be kind to her.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 10:09

Megatron the dog bursts through doors it wouldn't work with him in the house he would scratch at the door howling then race out that's what he does! She only lives in a small bungalow so you wouldn't be able to avoid him .

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 29/12/2010 10:10

"So everyone thinks I should stay at my mums with ds and the staffy and ignore pil because my mum prefers it . What happens when the dog attacks ds."

No one said that. You're behaving like a child now. What's the problem with doing the things suggested to you?

ilovesooty · 29/12/2010 10:13

Yet another barrier. You just don't want to be the one to actually make that contact with your mum do you? You're finding all sorts of reasons why not every time something's suggested.

And you haven't for one moment even stopped to consider whether she might be depressed. It's all you, you you.

Megatron · 29/12/2010 10:13

The dog 'bursts through doors'? Put it in the garden then! Really, sorting these issues with your mum, which are clearly bothering you, is far more important than a dog howling for half an hour.

onmyfeet · 29/12/2010 10:14

Oh, I see. Hmmm, does she like your in-laws? Is she shy? Not sure really, other than to talk to her next time you see her, or even over the phone. I wouldn't stay there with a baby and a staff either, I don't think you are unreasonable there at all.

Original poster

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 10:15

Hollynivy sorry for your loss. I know life is short that is why after she didn't want to come to inlaws due to fake flu I suggested we visit boxing day but she did not acknowledge this so she doesn't want to see me. I would not visit without her saying she wanted me to so I had no choice I'm not going to beg.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 29/12/2010 10:16

"I'm not going to beg"

So how long are you planning on cutting her out of your life then?

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