that I only got a text from Mum on Christmas Day

[Mirabelle77]

Bit of background I'm an an only child, my Mum is single. I have a 10 week old baby. I live 200 miles from both sets of parents. Me and dh invited my mum to pil for Christmas as she on her own. Should have been baby's first Christmas family thing. She said on phone on 23rd dec she wasn't up to driving she had a small op a month ago. So later that evening I offered her a lift would pick up and drop off so she could come for dinner and see her grandson on Christmas day. I got a text saying she wasn't up for socilizing and still had flu from hospital. She went to a Christmas party a couple of weeks ago so that is rubbish . I then text to say my other idea was to visit her on boxing day but if she isn't up to socilizing we will have to see her next time? I thought she would then say please visit but just got some silly text about weather.

She also refuses to choose a grandparent name as it means she is old! So she I assume spent Christmas alone . I have always seen her on Christmas day so it is very strange . I normally always ring her about once a week she never calls so I thought I will wait for a phone call but nothing not even Christmas day! It's very strange I have text back until yesterday when she knew I travelled back I haven't replied I am going to see how long it takes her to pick up the phone.

I last visited her end of nov when she gave us our presents so now I feel she never intended to come to inlaws for Christmas but I can't understand why she didn't want to see her baby grandson.

To be honest, you havent said much about your mums reactions, just what you have assumed she is thinking.

Surely the easiest thing in the world would be to ring her and talk rather than communicate by text. It shouldnt matter who rings who...

She is possibly upset that you haven't phoned her over Christmas. How can you complain she just wants to text when that is all you have done? Did you try and phone her on Christmas day? I can understand you being upset at her not speaking if she had been putting the phone down on you or not answering your calls but I don't see much in your posts about you really trying to SPEAK to her.
It sounds as though you are maybe reading double meanings into texts because you don't have any friends and are overanalysing stuff. Rather than moving again I would join mother and toddler groups or a leisure centre with a creche to meet people.

You don't sound to me like you really want a relationship with your mum at all. You are looking for every reason not to have one. Getting older (though she's only 58, hardly old) does not give you carte blanche to behave how you want but you seem to be interpreting everything she does as negative, a dig at you.

You don't want to talk to her because you don't have that kind of relationship, well do you want that kind of relationship? If you do, bite the bullet and have the conversation. If you are happy to let things go then that's entirely up to you.

I don't actually think you are being deliberately selfish at all I just don't think you can see past your own situation at all. If you want your mum in your life, pick up the phone.

I rang earlier to go to a new parent group starting that next week, I call all the time but she mostly doesn't answer she texts back when I have called and got no answer she NEVER calls me back.

Can't face the fake conversation where we know something is wrong but nobody is mentioning it. Does nobody ring their children at Christmas she isn't an old lady she is 58?

Don't have the fake conversation! Have a real one. It might not be an easy thing to do but sometimes you have to do these things if you want to change a situtation. You obviously love your mum or you wouldn't be bothered at all, it's such a shame you don't feel you can talk to her.

Megatron yes of course I love her but two people have to want to change a situation and as she is texting away like normal seems all she requires of me is a text.

"Can't face the fake conversation where we know something is wrong but nobody is mentioning it"

so mention it!!! one of you has to take the bull by the horns and open it up.. then you might be able to both have a good relationship!

I didnt have a really close relationship with my mum till I was in my 30's.. and wish I had made more effort before that, but there were no mobile phones then, and it was a lot easier to not contact each other as much.

The longer this goes on, the more resentment builds up, on both sides, and it really doesnt have to be necessary.

I don't think she would be too bothered if I didn't maintain contact as now I am of no use to her due to me looking after ds and living far away.

Sounds to me like you have to have one of those face to face clear the air type of conversations. Your relationship with your mum changed when you got married and has changed again now you have a baby. You are old enough to understand that but clearly your mother is struggling with the change.

Fwiw when my Ds was born my mother refused to hold him. I was upset but realised she was absolutely terrified because Ds was prem and tiny and wired up to a load of machines. I had to accept that people react to illness in different ways and adapt accordingly despit also having to deal with a very very poorly newborn.

Hi mirabelle,

Maybe you could have a conversation with her but I think she is who she is and maybe you have to accept her the way she is now. Is she doesn't ring0 you xmas day then that's her way doesn't mean you have to fall out with her. Yes you might be upset she doesn't do what you want or how you expect a mother to be like but I find trying to change people doesn't work.
I understand from similar issues with my mum and it hurts sometimes but I have had conversations with her in the past and she doesn't change. Maybe even does the things that hurt me more. A lot of it with my mum is if she doesn't get the attention all the time she creates arguments or has little digs etc. I know what you mean about if their older can be how they want. Its annoying. When there mean and use age hmmm don't know answer to this.

"Don't have the fake conversation! Have a real one. It might not be an easy thing to do but sometimes you have to do these things if you want to change a situtation. You obviously love your mum or you wouldn't be bothered at all, it's such a shame you don't feel you can talk to her."

Couldn't agree more. And why can't you begin by writing to her if the initial phone call is hard for you?

quick update if anyone is interested i text my mum, saying i really missed not seeing her at christmas and invited her to visit me. I said ds is in a routine now so it would all be fine and we could do whatever she liked , i suggested she stay for as short or long as she liked. I said how ds is growing up so fast and how it would be nice to spend some time together. I put thank you for her presents and said i would call tomorrow.

I got a reply saying she is driving to a hosp app tomorrow and dropping her sick note at work then food shopping so she wont be able to talk and for me to call on fri. She then put recovering for work is her priority and maybe in summer eg 6 months time she might visit! So I really did try can't believe she can't fit me in for a 5 min chat tomorrow. The hosp is a 80 mile round trip as she uses my address to get the nhs care for an area she thinks is better than where she lives and now i have sold that house she is redirecting mail for a year, so the long trip is her choice and if she is up to personally taking in a sick note how can it take 6 months to be up to getting a train to me?

Anymore ideas?

OK she sounds a crap mum and granny.
At least the fog is clearer now and you can work on building a support network that doesn't include her.
Is she seriously ill? I maybe missed the bit about her illness, but if you nursed her for 9 days and she has lots of hospital appointments and sick notes is she maybe not up to a train journey or is this just her extended flu, although it's unusual to have hospital appointments for that?
It's sad she's so uninterested, but it does sound as though she is self obsessed at the moment.

I thought the train journey was about 6 hours and 4 changes. If you were recovering from an op and trying to return to work would you want to make that journey in the winter while you're ill?

She suggests you call on Friday: why is it so vital it's tomorrow instead of Friday?

6 months is a long time though to delay visiting your grandchild. I can understand not wanting to visit in the next fortnight, but what's wrong with March or even Easter? She sounds young not to be able to drive, although I'm amazed any financially independant woman would not learn to drive.

She sounds awful. No wonder you sound so defeated Mirabelle.

could she not call you from the train?

I think I would be tempted to send her a I am pretty disappointed text and I will be calling you on Friday to discuss it.

Ultimately, it's her loss. I feel so bad for you as you are away from your family and friends. Hope your H gets a job near people you know soon.

I still think it sounds as though she'd like Mirabelle to visit her. Hopefully things will be clearer if Mirabelle makes that phone call and they have a proper conversation.

That would be the journey I would have to make she could drive to the same place her hosp / work is and get a train with one change lasting 3 hours one of them an hour wait for connecting train where last time she sat in cafe and had cuppa. She paid for passenger assist to carry her bags. If she had been positive about visiting I was going to offer to pay for kennel or assist service. She does drive but would be too long a drive for her I don't drive but even if I did can't drive dh car anyway as work one. We also would pick her up from an easier to get to station as we did last time.

Hi Maribelle,

She appears for some reason to be being very awkward. Maybe shes mad at you for moving away, this is upto you if you move away so she really should not take this attitude if it is something to do with that.
She also sounds like she is being delibratley awkward telling you shes busy with this that and the other and like you said cant fit you in for a few mins. Theres 24 hours in the day so this is just very awkward. Maybe shes somehow competing with you. Is she a competitive mother? and she wants you to know shes very busy too just like you are with the kids etc and not sat on her own. Maybe shes got a bit of a complex about this.

Are you going to text/email her back or just ring her? what will you say?

x

Hi,

If she is going to carry on being this way and awkward then it is her loss as she is going to push people away. It isnt your fault, its her problem. She can only change her own behaviour.

can I just ask why you didnt just pick up the phone and actually talk to her?

She was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 and half years ago she had reconstruction in summer and a uplift early December. So she is not ill but the reconstruction was major surgery hence me staying for the 9 days and taking her in and out of hospital. She booked her reconstuction to suit her was very difficult looking after her and being away from dh while 7 months preg. I understand breast cancer is an awful disease and I was very scared of losing her she lived with me for a few weeks after she has masectomy to recover and I nursed her all this is why I thought we were close and that she would be there for me a little.

She sounds pretty thoughtless towards you, and I can see you're feeling awful about it. I'm wondering if she could be depressed though and not quite herself? What was she like when you were younger?

Charliesmommy it was 8 at night when I text was sorting baby usually call in day as only get a couple of hours with dh in evening thought if I send a nice text then call she will know what I thought and we could discuss it further.

Sounds like she's been through a pretty traumatic time to me, both physically and psychologically.

And I don't think all this texting is helping at all: the only way forward that I can see is to talk properly.