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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that I only got a text from Mum on Christmas Day

161 replies

Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 08:32

Bit of background I'm an an only child, my Mum is single. I have a 10 week old baby. I live 200 miles from both sets of parents. Me and dh invited my mum to pil for Christmas as she on her own. Should have been baby's first Christmas family thing. She said on phone on 23rd dec she wasn't up to driving she had a small op a month ago. So later that evening I offered her a lift would pick up and drop off so she could come for dinner and see her grandson on Christmas day. I got a text saying she wasn't up for socilizing and still had flu from hospital. She went to a Christmas party a couple of weeks ago so that is rubbish . I then text to say my other idea was to visit her on boxing day but if she isn't up to socilizing we will have to see her next time? I thought she would then say please visit but just got some silly text about weather.

She also refuses to choose a grandparent name as it means she is old! So she I assume spent Christmas alone . I have always seen her on Christmas day so it is very strange . I normally always ring her about once a week she never calls so I thought I will wait for a phone call but nothing not even Christmas day! It's very strange I have text back until yesterday when she knew I travelled back I haven't replied I am going to see how long it takes her to pick up the phone.

I last visited her end of nov when she gave us our presents so now I feel she never intended to come to inlaws for Christmas but I can't understand why she didn't want to see her baby grandson.

OP posts:
SarahStrattonsBaubles · 29/12/2010 10:17

I think you're being a bit harsh on OP too. It was her baby's first Christmas, she'd prearranged with her mum that she would come to PIL's with them, her mum didn't say anything until the last minute and when offered alternatives made excuses. And she'd been out partying. It sounds to me more like her mum is put out at being a GP, and needs to stop making it all about herself.

2rebecca · 29/12/2010 10:17

I agree no-one is saying you shouldn't be spending xmas with your inlaws, just that you seem to be upset because she chose to stay at home, which is a reasonable choice for her to make, and few of us understand why you didn't phone her, but expected her to phone you.
Instead of picking her up to take her to your inlaws you could have driven over to see her briefly, if she agreed to keep the dog out of the room, I would not want a staffy near any child I had.
I don't see why you saw the options as
1 Spend xmas with mum and a dog you hate and don't want your child near.

  1. Invite your mum to someone else's house for xmas.
  2. Don't contact your mum at all on xmas day.
claig · 29/12/2010 10:18

Great advice from everyone. You are not being selfish, but please ring your mum and try to see her.

She may not feel comfortable socialising with the PILs, but feels more comfortable with her friends. She lives alone and many older people are slightly awkward and have what seem like odd ways. Ignore all of that and call her.

Original poster
Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 10:20

Megatron i am not going over the top the dog is a bit crazy he is loving but jumps up a lot. It's just such a long way to go for a short visit but yes we put him in her car boot last time but she doesn't like to put him in kennels.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 29/12/2010 10:21

"She may not feel comfortable socialising with the PILs"

Exactly. She's already identified as single and may not care to feel like a spare part or a charity case. And the fact that she's attended a party/gathering of her own friends is neither here nor there. We don't know whether that was an effort for her/how long she stayed or anything.

Lotster · 29/12/2010 10:21

Hi Mirabelle, congratulations on your new baby, I hope you had a good first Christmas.

This would probably have been better in relationships as in AIBU you tend to get rather negative comments - I'm surprised no-one has recognised how you have clearly tried to make a Christmas get together work in some form, with little co-operation from your mother.
It is hurtful when you have a new baby and your mother doesn't see this time as special and worth making an effort for. YANBU for feeling hurt. I understand your position very well.

There are two sides to every story however, and you mother is obviously making up excuses for a reason.
Maybe she is depressed and feeling old and unwell as others have said.
Also, her dog may well be unsafe around guests (I'd be livid/scared if he'd ripped at my clothing, especially while PG) but he is her companion in a daily basis, and on that basis you would be very unlikely to seperate them on Christmas day, she would probably find it upsetting. That's not to say the dog can't sleep in his basket in another room when the baby is awake.

She may also feel left out in you choosing the in laws' house to spend Christmas at, over her, like they are a proper family and she isn't (just guessing here obv).

At the end of the day you can play games to see who calls first, interrogate her as to what's going on, or just let her know love her and leave it be.

None will bring you much peace over this year's chtistmas, but maybe the latter will help you work out a better one next year.

hollynivy · 29/12/2010 10:23

You dont have to beg, just tell her Christmas wasnt the same without seeing her and get a date sorted to visit.

Take responsibility for seeing her, you are now the adult and the mother, take the onus off her to do the arranging.
See if that helps.

Megatron · 29/12/2010 10:26

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like I thought you were being over the top. To be honest if the dog really does burst through doors I would be pretty concerned about it being near my mum too but that's another thread I guess. I still think the only thing to do here is actually talk to your mum about the whole situation, is there any reason why you wouldn't want to do that?

Sometimes you do have to have 'difficult' conversations but at least you may be able to resolve some issues. The whole Christmas thing sounds like just another sympton of a bigger issue.

Lotster · 29/12/2010 10:27

Took so long to type that you did get a supportive comment before I posted!
X-post Sarah hope you dressed up your conifer friend a treat for Christmas Xmas Wink

Megatron · 29/12/2010 10:28

symptom Blush

Original poster
Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 10:28

Ilovesooty I am not planning on cutting her out I did offer to visit her on boxing day nobody seems to acknowledge that? I understand she might not want to see pil that's why that was my second option which I suggested. Then dog could have stayed in boot/ garden for a few hours. I also did reply to her text on Christmas day . She is not depressed you should see her twiitter account full of the joys.

OP posts:
Lotster · 29/12/2010 10:32

Oh and I hate the assumption that once we become parents we have to automatically stop being children. Why?!
I wouldn't expect this of my children. I'll go to my grave as their mother.

ilovesooty · 29/12/2010 10:32

"She is not depressed you should see her twiitter account full of the joys."

If you honestly take that as proof I would suggest you know very little about depression.

Yes, I saw you offered to visit Boxing Day but you said you had "some silly text about weather" in reply. Did she say that it might be difficult to make plans in view of the weather? Seems not unreasonable to me.

SarahStrattonsBaubles · 29/12/2010 10:33

did you have a good one?

I think, Mirabelle, that you are going to have to ring her. I know it should be a 50/50 thing but I think your Mum's got her nose out of joint and you will have to be the adult.

Megatron · 29/12/2010 10:34

I wouldn't read too much into Twitter comments, sometimes people who are depressed with go all out to sound like life is one big party. Perhaps she didn't get your text about Boxing Day, perhaps you didn't receive her return text. You won't know unless you talk to her.

charliesmommy · 29/12/2010 10:35

I doubt she wants to put her dog out into a freezing cold garden or car boot for a few hours. That is punishment to a dog that has done nothing wrong.

Your mum probably has her own circle of friends too, who she may want to see over xmas. At 58 she is still young and probably leading an active life of her own.

Megatron · 29/12/2010 10:36

Oh I see you did get a text re the weather. Probably quite reasonable given the recent conditions. Maybe she was worried about you and GS in the car in bad weather?

hollynivy · 29/12/2010 10:36

Lotster, its not about stopping being their children, its about taking responsibility for seeing the grandparents based on how it suits you as a family, ie. putting your children first. Also means that OP is not being passive and letting her mum make all the decisions...

Lotster · 29/12/2010 10:50

Holly, I don't think OP was being passive. She offered to both visit, or collect her mother on Chtistmas Day, then Boxing Day.

Having a newborn is a lovely but hard time, a bit of mothering from your mother at this time is nice if they're physically able to give it.

Sounds like the 'reluctant' grandma just wanted to do things her own way. Just my opinion but by 58 you've had a lot of Christmases your own way and it's not s lot to ask to make yourself available/flexible for your child's first Christmas with their first baby. I'd do it.

plus3 · 29/12/2010 10:50

Mirabelle - I have read your thread and do sympathise. My Mum can be 'difficult' over christmas -my Dad died 7 yrs ago and she is still finding it hard.

We alternate spending christmas day with the PILs and my Mum -all is fine when it is her turn, but will not invite the PIL to her house (which I understand they also then go to BILs anyway) They however always invite her when we spend christmas with them, she always says no. I understand all the reasons for this, but she still makes me feel bad for choosing them over her, however fair we try to be to everyone involved. (BTW she is not on her own as I have other siblings, but they don't have children yet so it is all about her grand children)

I just try to think how I would act if it were me and my DC when grown-up. The idea of them choosing to ignore me on purpose would break my heart..

hollynivy · 29/12/2010 11:04

Lotster I dont think OP was being passive either.

Original poster
Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 11:13

Ilovesooty my mum isn't depressed or if she is she has been depressed all her life as although we usually spend Christmas together she has been pretty strange in the past . She got my text the weather mention was something general like it's sunny here.

OP posts:
Lotster · 29/12/2010 11:16

Sarah - yes thanks, hope you did too!

Original poster
Mirabelle77 · 29/12/2010 11:24

I suppose I will call her as otherwise I will hear nothing
, I won't mention the whole Christmas thing as I wouldn't know what to say. I was hurt that she didn't w t to see me at all in anyway over Christmas so maybe I should have called her but as my mum is the only family member I regularly see it was a bit weird for me with dhs family. I thought she might just make an effort and call my mobile on Christmas day but I knew she wouldn't really!

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 29/12/2010 11:27

At the risk of suggesting something stupid, if you can't get to hers on the train, can you get to a town nearby? Suggest a day out in X town, you can get the train and it's just a short drive for her, it might be better without the christmas issues.

But I really think you need to make an effort, as if she is depressed/struggling, you are her only family so need to keep the lines of communication open. And re the twitter account, when I suffered from depression, there were several of my friends who never realised, I was very good at putting on a brave face for the world and making excuses to shut myself away when I couldn't. Not saying she is, but best to find out.