that I only got a text from Mum on Christmas Day

[Mirabelle77]

Bit of background I'm an an only child, my Mum is single. I have a 10 week old baby. I live 200 miles from both sets of parents. Me and dh invited my mum to pil for Christmas as she on her own. Should have been baby's first Christmas family thing. She said on phone on 23rd dec she wasn't up to driving she had a small op a month ago. So later that evening I offered her a lift would pick up and drop off so she could come for dinner and see her grandson on Christmas day. I got a text saying she wasn't up for socilizing and still had flu from hospital. She went to a Christmas party a couple of weeks ago so that is rubbish . I then text to say my other idea was to visit her on boxing day but if she isn't up to socilizing we will have to see her next time? I thought she would then say please visit but just got some silly text about weather.

She also refuses to choose a grandparent name as it means she is old! So she I assume spent Christmas alone . I have always seen her on Christmas day so it is very strange . I normally always ring her about once a week she never calls so I thought I will wait for a phone call but nothing not even Christmas day! It's very strange I have text back until yesterday when she knew I travelled back I haven't replied I am going to see how long it takes her to pick up the phone.

I last visited her end of nov when she gave us our presents so now I feel she never intended to come to inlaws for Christmas but I can't understand why she didn't want to see her baby grandson.

Borderslass I hope he does.

Perhaps as most posters think my behaviour is incredibly selfish that is why she doesn't want to see me? I have always thought I was a good daughter I have given up quite a lot to look after my mum in the past. If I am expected to put her before anything else because she is by herself etc then I don't think our relationship is continuing as I will be a permanent let down to her. I don't think she is bothered by the Christmas thing anyway it's all me probably! Maybe o just need to focus on ds and dh and leave my mum to it.

Thanks to all the posters. I won't call my mum I think she would prefer to have less contact if any at all. I now realise she is happy just her and the dog and I was just thinking how I would feel about it not her. My family are dh and ds so I will leave her alone as I think that is what she wants. Thanks everyone .

I don't think phoning your mum on Christmas day is "putting her before anything else". Also if I'd spoken to my mum about visiting her on boxing day and got an unrelated weather text in reply I'd be phoning her to ask her about visiting.
Text messages are a rubbish way of communicating with difficult people. Be open and straightforward with her.
As parents get older I do think adult children have to accept more responsibility for phoning them. I only normally speak to my dad once every week or so but would always try to speak to him xmas day and Hogmanay.

'I will leave her alone as I think that's what she wants'. That's a huge assumption to make without even talking to her. I really don't understand your apparent reluctance to actually have a conversation with your mum about all these issues that seem to bother you. Loads of posters have suggested the same - 'just talk to her' but you have not said the reason you seem reluctant to do so. I don't get it.

instead of presuming and thinking and assuming stuff, talk to her !!!!

you need to discuss stuff and then if it transpires she does not want contact, then fine, at least you've tried, but it sounds like you are taking the easy option of huffing about her behaviour

you did not ask her for money when you cooked and looked after her, you just hoped she'd offer.. why not ask?

you don't like her dog, but won't ask her to use kennels?

she seems to have had a lot of ill health, possibly depressed, but you presume she is fine?

you need to talk

she's 58, she could be around for another 20 + years, do you really want to never see her again?

is she really that bad?

seems a lot of this upset is based on people presuming and assuming rather than actually communicating

xposted megatron

I can't talk to her about anything we don't have a close relationship like that so I can only judge how she feels by her behaviour. I would feel stupid to admit I was bothered not seeing her over Christmas as it seems to her it's no big deal.

maybe she thinks you feel the same way.. you need to talk to her, not text!

my mum lived over 200 miles away and she had a dog, so visits were difficult to arrange, and at xmas times she had social events with her circle of friends, so didnt want to come to stay with us and miss out, which we totally understood, but we still spoke almost daily on the phone

she died 2 years ago, and I still regret that I didnt go to visit her more often

I think judging someone from their behaviour when you aren't actually observing that behaviour but inferring it from twitter and texts is open to misinterpretation. You don't have to have a close relationship with your mum to phone her and either ask if you can pop in on boxing day or ring her up and wish her Merry Christmas and thank her for her presents and discuss how her grandson is finding his first Christmas.

it's a lost cause without talking

you won't ever be close if you carry on both making presumptions based on behaviour

both of you are most likely hurting and not wanting to make the other feel bad

as i said, she could be around for another 20 years, is this it, no more ?

she might not want to make a big deal as she feesl stupid as you don't seem that bothered

it cuts both ways

Hi mirabelle,

when you moved house she probably felt upset that you were going to live so far away and she probably feels all alone. Too far away from her now etc.
From what I can gather she also likes the attention you give her. She wants you to run round after her a bit.
As for the christmas day thing. You said you had always gone round to her and cooked her a meal. Well to change it I can imagine this would cause resentment. Also I think you shouldn't expect her to go to the inlaws and feel so comfortable just the way u feel! Its your inlaws not hers. She probably is annoyed you have changed the usual christmas day plans. She probably sees tht as selFish just because you have a baby. She won't say this to you though, they show their disappointment in other ways.

She has just sent me a text saying it's nice I had lots to do over Christmas as the weather kept me in before. This is because I mentioned I met friends for lunch, sounds sarcastic to me.

Yes I am willing to not have a relationship as what we have is pointless.Just fake texts and every visit or call instigated by me. If as people think she resents my ds for making her feel old it is best I keep away and let her pretend to be young on her own.

You seem to be finding fault and taking offence where none is meant.

I used to think it was always me instigating calls to my mum, and would get a bit hurt that she never rang me, but in the grand scheme of things, does it matter who rings who? One day you wont have a mum there to ring and believe me, that is a lot worse.

Perhaps she feels excluded from your life.. you chose to move a long way from her.

I think you are judging her too harshly. I don't think the text message is sarcastic. It sounds like she is just trying to make chat. It can be difficult interpreting text messages, it is best to talk on the phone.

I think you may be more like her than you think. You said "I'm not going to beg" and I think she thinks the same. You are probably both misinterpreting each other's signals. When you reach her age, you may end up being a lot like her. It is best to break out of the cycle and make more effort than she does. I think she does care, but it is just her way.

Why do you interpret all her contacts negatively? She might mean it. The same with her not wanting to put YOUR friend out of driving 80 miles to take her to a hospital appointment.
Why is this a fake text?
She sent you a nice comment and you are planning on avoiding her because of it?
Phone her up and discuss what you both did over Christmas, and if she says nice things then accept them rather than looking for a negative sarcastic meaning in them, that way even if she meant them sarcastically she looks silly if you accept her comments in a positive way and are nice to her in return.

I don't see how much more effort I could have made. She has missed her grandsons first Christmas and you can't get that back. She didn't express any sadness or regret about this on the phone when she declined the invite 2 days before Christmas . She didn't invite us to hers. She left halfway through the week when she was supposed to be helping me after ds born literally came downstairs and said I'm going I have rang a taxi one afternoon left me crying on the sofa.then I worried about her going on massive journey in dark using underground etc but she stayed in a hotel that night she didn't text me or anything to tell me this just let me worry. My friends said she was supposed to be helping me but turned it around into her so I don't know what to think now you all think I'm unreasonable and selfish.

She was welcome when she stayed but it was a very difficult couple of weeks ds was losing too much weight I was struggling to bf and he had really bad colic. Me an dh were very stressed and I was so so tired but it ended up being all about her.

I think you are being overly melodramatic. A baby's first Christmas is often a bit of a non event. I was with 4 kids for Christmas and the one most excited by it all was the 7 year old. My 2 year old nephew got bored opening presents after the first one and just wanted to play with that. Being with a baby at Christmas is much like being with a baby every other day. They cry, sleep and feed.
Neither of you sound inclined to see the other's point of view.
You both sound a bit "poor me".

Charliesmommy I don't want to live this far away I moved here as dh was working away mon - fri fir 4 months of my preg so once I finished work I moved here to be with him. I am completely isolated and have no friends , so I hope dh will apply for jobs and we can move back next year but he has to get a job first.

Did you not read my post? It seems to me you don't. Want to hear another viewpoint but your own. U seem set in your ways.

2rebecca i can see my mothers point of view she does not want to see me or her gs. This leaves me wondering why I am getting berated for not calling her? I just find it hard to understand why she feels like that, I don't think poor me I just find it hard to accept that she just wants to text over Christmas.

Christmaswishes I did read your post, she wasn't that interested in doing anything when I did live nearby, came round now and again but never suggested anything or invited us. I figured she would not play much of a role in her gs life so moving would not be an issue.

It seems the general view on here is be nice to her whatever she does as she might die soon. Is that really any way to live life? I can't wait to get old in that case seems to give you carte blanche to act however you like!

Just thought of something else I text and rang her the other week telling her about skype so I could show her ds on it she has never mentioned it again. We skype in laws couple of times a week and show then ds. It's very easy to set up but she can't be bothered.