that I only got a text from Mum on Christmas Day

[Mirabelle77]

Bit of background I'm an an only child, my Mum is single. I have a 10 week old baby. I live 200 miles from both sets of parents. Me and dh invited my mum to pil for Christmas as she on her own. Should have been baby's first Christmas family thing. She said on phone on 23rd dec she wasn't up to driving she had a small op a month ago. So later that evening I offered her a lift would pick up and drop off so she could come for dinner and see her grandson on Christmas day. I got a text saying she wasn't up for socilizing and still had flu from hospital. She went to a Christmas party a couple of weeks ago so that is rubbish . I then text to say my other idea was to visit her on boxing day but if she isn't up to socilizing we will have to see her next time? I thought she would then say please visit but just got some silly text about weather.

She also refuses to choose a grandparent name as it means she is old! So she I assume spent Christmas alone . I have always seen her on Christmas day so it is very strange . I normally always ring her about once a week she never calls so I thought I will wait for a phone call but nothing not even Christmas day! It's very strange I have text back until yesterday when she knew I travelled back I haven't replied I am going to see how long it takes her to pick up the phone.

I last visited her end of nov when she gave us our presents so now I feel she never intended to come to inlaws for Christmas but I can't understand why she didn't want to see her baby grandson.

Mirabelle, surely you can spare fifteen mins for a chat on the phone.. it would probably be a lot easier than the pair of you sending texts, which it seems you both read more into that what may actually be meant.

Cancer is a very very scary illness and she is probably quite frightened about it still. I can understand that she may seem quite selfish, but I think you need to perhaps try and be a bit more understanding. I dont blame her for not feeling upto a long journey yet.

It sounds to me like she explained that she was busy tomorrow and friday would be better so that you could chat longer.

I dont mean to be harsh here, but if it was my mum, I would ring her every evening, even if it was just for a quick ten minute chat to check she was ok.

when did you move house? and how close was your old home to your mums? did you move because of work?

Have just come across this thread and read through the whole thing with growing incomprehension and increasing anger at the responses you have had until page 6 when there does appear to be a shred of understanding.

From what I have read Mirabelle77 you are in a difficult situation with a needy and demanding mother who does not act as a mother to you and yet the responses seem to suggest that you should be acting the parent in this relationship. Sure, she's not needy in the sense of demanding you do X, Y or Z but in a much more implied and covert sense.

I do not think it is unreasonable to expect your mum to call you and see how you and her GC are doing on Christmas Day and to imply that this is your responsiblity alone is not helpful.

What I hear in what you say is that your relationship with your mother is based on second guessing what she wants but feeling that you constantly get it wrong. The fact that you have responded so calmly to such negative posts suggests that don't really feel that you have the right to expect anything from your mother. Even the fact that you are comparing your ILs behaviour to your mother's suggests that you are used to pandering to her behaviour but you are questioning it when others behave so differently.

I remember feeling really guilty one Christmas Day when I realised that I had forgotten to call my mum. It took some time before I realised that she had never called me and that the expectation was that it was my responsibility to get in touch.

When I was younger she was a good mum up until I was about 15 then she got a bit nasty with me, stayed out alot with bfs after a school trip to us she told me on my return how much she liked me being away and had used my room as a dumping ground. I was physically shaking outside having a fag when she had finished. Once I got into my twenties i saw a bit more of her and lived with her for 2 years a few years ago when I was single.

Thing is in oct when ds was born she happily came on the train and then a week or so later again so she is up to the journey she stove herself home a couple of days after getting discharged from hospital so that really isn't the issue.

We moved in summer for dh job, I wish I had not done it now. We lived 40 miles from mum house but same city as her workplace and she lived in my property as a work base until I sold it recently.

Hi,

I feel sad that your mum has cancer, it must be an awful thing for her to go through. she does sound quite attention seeking and possibly want you to run around after her all the time. She maybe wants her own way and wants you to do what she wants. Its hard to judge because she has cancer maybe this has made her more needy etc and wants the attention. I can understand her being more like this if she is poorly or has she always been this way?

In the last few years even before the cancer she has been like this I suppose but it was easier to do as she wished then. After she was diagnosed a week an half later she had the masectomy and since then has been clear so although awful she has had a good outcome bur obviously losing and then reconstructing a breast is emotionally and physically massive.

Oh yes I bet it is emotioanlly draining. You never mentioned your dad. Is he still around? x

After they divorced contact with dad was sporadic. I last saw him in 1990 I made contact this year have seen him twice and speak on the phone.

I text her that hope her journey is ok and for her to call me when she feels up to it I also suggested we stay with her then she will have no travel worries .