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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think OH is being tight and to take the presents back?

152 replies

Ladyanonymous · 17/12/2010 07:58

OH is spending xmas with me and my kids. His kids are spending the week after xmas here with us and my kids. I have got a small gift for each of his kids.

He has now told my kids he has no intention of getting them anything for xmas as he doesn't even buy for his neice and nephew (who are abroad).

He has spent a ridiculous amount of money twice as much money on his kids than I have on mine (whilst claiming he is skint and allowing me to pay for things Hmm) and his kids will be opening their presents here when they arrive.

AIBU to think that seeing as he is spending christmas here it's a bit mean for him to not even give my kids a token gift?

Should I take the gifts I got for his kids back as I don't want my kids to then see me give his kids gifts when he has made a point of not doing anything for mine IYSWIM...or is that just childish?

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 17/12/2010 08:04

Totally YANBU.

overthemill · 17/12/2010 08:06

why are you with this man? stuff like this is really important - you need to be on the same wavelength if you are trying to blend two families togther. What you need is negotiation & compromise not laws being laid down

BootyMum · 17/12/2010 08:09

I would question his intentions towards you and the children in your relationship. I mean he either accepts your children as part of the deal of being with you and wants to make them feel valued and welcomed. Or he is potentially not serious about forming a relationship with them which would then make me question how seriously he considers his relationship with you...
YANBU.

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 17/12/2010 08:10

He sounds a real catch. I think I would be showing him the door. Not because I wanted presents for my kids but because to actually tell your kids that he is not buying for them and seeing how horrible that is just flags huge problems for the future.

NinkyNonker · 17/12/2010 08:11

It really doesn't say good things about how he views your relationship that he doesn't hold your children in any regard. He doesn't see you as a family at all. Not buying for his own neice and nephew is bad enough, but the way you phrase the comparison is kind of like saying "is he doesn't even buy for them he won't for mine." IE: They're not even as important as neice etc if you see whst I mean.

NorthernLurker · 17/12/2010 08:12

So he's generally tight and you are bearing more than your share of expenses? And now he's saying he won't buy you dcs a gift whilst he spends Christmas with them?

Ok - well yes I would take the gifts backa nd I would tell OH he's not welcome with you at Christmas. Finish it - how can you possibly think you can have a god relationship with someone basically so selfish? Walk away!!! In fact - run!!

overthemill · 17/12/2010 08:13

but i would still give his dcs the presents if you like/love them. they are not the problem, he is

NinkyNonker · 17/12/2010 08:14

Isn't he in the forces? If I'm with the right poster it counds to me like he is seeing your house as a venue to host Christmas for his kids as he doesn't have anywhere else, as against spending it with a merger of two families if you see what I mean.

MrsGuyOfChristmasBorn · 17/12/2010 08:16

Run a mile. I would actualy give his kids the presents since you are a nice person, but retract the Xmas invite to him and ditch him. If he's like this now, it can only get worse.

fedupofnamechanging · 17/12/2010 08:16

I think he is being really horrible. If he is your OH, then he is in the position of stepfather to your children. To not want to buy them a little something at Christmas is telling them (and you) very clearly that he does not consider them to be important to him, and that they are not a part of his family.

It will also be hard for your DC to watch his DC open lots of expensive presents in their home and not get anything from him.

I would be telling him to spend Christmas with someone else. Sounds to me like he is usung you. I would not have someone around my children who did not value and care for them. You are their mum, so put them first and don't saddle them with this kind of man in their lives.

I think you should give his DC the presents you bought. To not do so would give the same message to his DC as he is giving to yours. But I would lose him tbh!

Niceguy2 · 17/12/2010 08:17

As a bloke I find his behaviour completely and utterly selfish.

Stepparenting is an utter minefield and if he cannot even get the basics right and at the VERY least get yours a token gift then sorry, it doesn't bode well for the future.

It's up to you if you speak to him and give him a chance. Me? I'd just get rid and find someone who will be able to consider your kids as well as you.

fedupofnamechanging · 17/12/2010 08:19

This is army guy again, whose got the kids living in 2 different places and is using your house as a convenient place to see them?

How many times is he going to treat you like shit, before you get rid?

fedupofnamechanging · 17/12/2010 08:20

whose should read who's. Sorry, just woke up

overthemill · 17/12/2010 08:22

omg, is this kind of behaviour regular? you need to get rid of him, get some help, he isn't worth it, you don't need a man under 'any' circumstances you know

FakePlasticTrees · 17/12/2010 08:23

agree with others - sounds like he doesn't see himself as your DC's step dad, sees them more as something he has to put up with to be with you. I'd dump someone for that.

OutOutLetItAllOut · 17/12/2010 08:26

This guy is a looser. And treating you like an idiot. Please dont give the the shit that he is a nice guy really. He is taking you for a ride. He does not want you and your kids. He wants somewhere to stay when he is on leave and someone to pick up the bill and wash his pants. What do you get from this relationship?

detachandtrustyourself · 17/12/2010 08:34

He already lets you pay for things! He puts your kids on a par or below his nephew and niece who live abroadAngry. It is ok to be on your own I would tell him not to find somewhere else to spend that week. If he is this tight now and has this attitude to your kids it bodes badly for the future.

camdancer · 17/12/2010 08:37

Put this in some perspective. If you were going to visit a friend over the Christmas period, wouldn't you take the children something small? Poundshop/cheap book/chocolates whatever but something. Especially if you were taking loads of present for your own children to open. He is just being cruel. How you can have him in your house is beyond me. Sorry.

detachandtrustyourself · 17/12/2010 08:37

oh and I'd tell him you don't want him as your OH anymore.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 17/12/2010 08:41

I agree with the other posters - it doesn't sound like he thinks much of your children Sad

Honestly it seems as if he is just using you. He sounds tight and selfish, get rid of him!!

FrostyAndSlippery · 17/12/2010 08:45

No, YABU - don't let his kids lose out just because he is a selfish git.

He sounds charming Hmm

Gotabookaboutit · 17/12/2010 08:45

As Camdancer - how you can have in your house??? He TOLD your kids he wasn't buying them anything !!! ie you let him TELL your kids they are worth nothing to him but he is still allowed presumably to shag you and bring his kids there. Let him emotionally abuse you if you must - Keep him away from your kids if you are any kind of parent!

Gotabookaboutit · 17/12/2010 08:47

and OH isn't being tight he's being a using, feckless, cocklodging shit - and you are letting him

starfishmummy · 17/12/2010 08:50

Give his kids the presents - it's not their fault their Dad is a ........(add wahtever word you like) BUT DONT BUY HIM ANYTHING

readywithwellies · 17/12/2010 08:51

OK different approach to the dump him approach.

Can't you return your gifts for his dcs and ask him to put his name on your gifts and your name on his gifts? When my dp and I got together we decided to buy our own dcs gifts and then put each other's names on some of the gifts (so main present just off Mum or Dad, little ones off Dad and Wellies or Mum and WelliesDP)