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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think OH is being tight and to take the presents back?

152 replies

Ladyanonymous · 17/12/2010 07:58

OH is spending xmas with me and my kids. His kids are spending the week after xmas here with us and my kids. I have got a small gift for each of his kids.

He has now told my kids he has no intention of getting them anything for xmas as he doesn't even buy for his neice and nephew (who are abroad).

He has spent a ridiculous amount of money twice as much money on his kids than I have on mine (whilst claiming he is skint and allowing me to pay for things Hmm) and his kids will be opening their presents here when they arrive.

AIBU to think that seeing as he is spending christmas here it's a bit mean for him to not even give my kids a token gift?

Should I take the gifts I got for his kids back as I don't want my kids to then see me give his kids gifts when he has made a point of not doing anything for mine IYSWIM...or is that just childish?

OP posts:
Bloodymary · 17/12/2010 09:46

OP, he is a right charmer isnt he.
Personaly I would get rid of him.

diddl · 17/12/2010 09:46

OK, everything else aside, if you are are couple, aren´t all presents from both of you?

Animation · 17/12/2010 09:49

I don't think he's very nice to your kids - one good reason to get rid.

fel1x · 17/12/2010 09:53

He sounds like a twat.
But if you dont want to dump him and still want him around around over xmas then I would still give his kids your gifts (its not their fault he is a twat)
BUT take back HIS presents from you and use the money to buy something extra for your kids from 'him' then tell him what you've done and why

Milngavie · 17/12/2010 09:53

He really is a catch isn't he?

When I was about 6 my Dad was in a relationship and it was their first Christmas together. Dad had me and his partner had 2 children. At the time he lived in London with her and I was in Glasgow with my Mum.

He and his P went shopping for Christmas presents and Dad chose something for me as a stocking filler. They carried on buying stuff for her children and then Dad said he still had to buy for me. She said that he'd got my present and that was enough. He said no, sorry, my daughter will get the same as your children.

She went mad. This was a deal breaker for him and they split. If she couldn't treat me similarly to her own children he didn't want to know as I was a huge part of his life.

I didn't actually find this out until a few years ago.

madonnawhore · 17/12/2010 09:56

OP I remember you posting about your OH on here before. He sounded like a prick then and he still sounds like a prick now. Why are you still with him?

IIRC don't you have kids together as well?

classydiva · 17/12/2010 09:59

Personally, I agree with all the comments, but if you must stay with him cos that is what women do ignore all the advice and carry on, buy a few presents for your kids from him and tell him he owes you X amount.

The guy is a selfish prick, and he is using you as someone to have sex with and stay with when on leave.

If his kids are staying at yours he should be coughing up dough towards the cost of extra electricity/gas and food.

curlymama · 17/12/2010 10:01

Milngavie - that's lovely! Sad, but lovely, you know what I mean! And I bet you love you Dad even more for sticking up for you like that. He put you before himself and his girlfriend, and that's the way it should be, but it's still very heartwarming to hear.

NinkyNonker · 17/12/2010 10:01

Is he buying you a present I take it? If so, then the only people he is spending Christmas with and not buying a present for is your kids. Says a lot about how much he values them.

Blu · 17/12/2010 10:01

He is being rude, ungracious, mean and unkind. If you would LIKE to give his kids a present, then do - don't ffeel the need to be dragged down to his level. Refusing to give HIS kids presents is not the best way to approach dealing with his rude, men, ungracous and ukind behaviour re presents for your kids.

TBH I would tell him that as he only intenss to give HIS kids presents he is essentially hosting his own family Christmas at your house after christmas, and excluding you and your family. I would tell him that unless everyone in the household is included equally in the week his kids are there, he can find an alternative venue.

For him to imagine that he can dole out v expensive presents to his kids under the noses of yours, having been so crass and unkind to tll them he won't get the anything, sounds seriously dysfucntional.

Why are you paying for things on his behalf?

Honesly - take a deep honest look at all this: are you trying to buy a relationship?

Animation · 17/12/2010 10:04

I'm assuming sex must be good with this guy.Hmm

theevildead2 · 17/12/2010 10:05

Oh one last thing in case this is real.

YOur Ex is an an arsehole from what you say on previous thread. So why trade one arse hole for another? Can you not see what you are doing? Ex treats the kids like shit having them when he can be bothered, new guy treats the kids like shit. Are you really so desperate?

Your children won't thank you for forcing this on them. Especially at xmas.

BuzzLightBeer · 17/12/2010 10:06

come on op, how many of these are you going to post before you cop on to the reality of your " relationship"?

camdancer · 17/12/2010 10:07

Do you know, he probably feels all virtuous for telling your children that they aren't getting presents from him. He probably feels he is being so truthful and honest. It isn't, it is cruel. He is a nasty man.

Blu · 17/12/2010 10:07

And I do wonder how your children will feel when they see you bending over backwards, sideways and inside out to accoodate the behaviour of a man who tells the bluntly they aren't worth a Christas gift. They will see whose needs, demands and whims you put first Sad.

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 17/12/2010 10:11

Valhalla's post may have been a little harsh but I agree with every word of it. Put your kids first and get rid of this selfish idiot.

Milngavie your father sounds lovely Xmas Smile

Blu · 17/12/2010 10:14

Oh - and you are even giving up your Boxing day to facilitate picking HIS kids up from the airport!

You do everything to facilitate his kids and his relationship with them, and he behaves like this?

He is a tosser. Chuck him out NOW, have Christmas with your kids, leave gi to sort out a taxi fom the airport, stop having to work round him in facilitating your own kids. You do realise that your ex was probably being a wanker over Boxing day because he knew you were actually prioritising prior arrangements about your current dp's kids, don't you? I am sure he IS a wanker, but there is a pov which makes it hard not to sympathise a tiny bit with that!

Blu · 17/12/2010 10:17

Sorry to keep going on.

Look I know this is hard, and I know you were offended when I said I felt your kids weren't being prioritised on the other thread, I don't mean to be horrible to you, but in effect, your kids are NOT being prioritised here, they really aren't. I agre you are being forced to dance to your ex's tune when he is a wanker, but now you are willingly allowing yourself to dance to another tune to the detriment of your own kids.

The person being horrible to you is your dp, and i'm sure you deserve much, much better.

BalloonSlayer · 17/12/2010 10:25

OMG is this the same OP as the picking up from airport/Boxing Day thread?

Blimey.

Bin him, OP.

Sad
catsmother · 17/12/2010 10:25

I can't add anything to all the other advice. In short, why the hell are you even asking if this is wrong ?

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 17/12/2010 11:02

I am taking the comments here on board and I agree he is very selfish.

I vent on here when I need to and I like to see what everyone else thinks before I decide how I am going to deal with the situation. To be fair in the past when I have done that I have been able to approach him in a calm and rational manner and explain clearly how I feel and he has taken my feelings on board and realised he?s been a total idiot.

Most of the time he is great with my kids, I think sometimes he doesn?t think about or see what he is doing. He himself admits he is not the best parent in the world and he admits that he does spend far too much money on his own kids because he is away so much and he is aware this is not really compensating his kids for the time they miss with him. I do love his kids and I do go a little bit further to try to make sure they can see him, but not at the expense of my own, I always talk to them about hoe they feel about everything, and they tell me honestly, and if there are problems I try and put things in place or change things around so they are ok and happy.

Boxing day is not a massive issue for my kids ? it?s a short journey and was arranged months ago and then their dad decided he wanted to see them and is being inflexible and its impossible for me to change. My kids love his kids and are looking forward to spending time together with them and I plan to take all four of them somewhere nice on the way back from the airport, and then we are having a party for all 6 of them.

The posters who have said I am a bad mum are wrong. I do tell my OH in no uncertain terms when I think HIBU and I defend my kids to the last. If I was a bad mum I wouldn?t question myself or his behaviour would I?

He can be selfish and tight and is not the greatest at step-parenting or blending a family but he does admit when he is wrong and he corrects his behaviour. I am not with him at any cost to not be alone. I was alone for 4 years and I was fine and had a lot of fun.

I will talk to him tonight calmly (as the kids will be away) and explain how crucial I think this is and how it will make my kids feel and I will decide from how he reacts on what I then do ? if I don?t give him a chance to rethink and to see it from mine and the kids POV then I don?t think that is fair either.

OP posts:
theevildead2 · 17/12/2010 11:11

The posters who have said I am a bad mum are wrong. I do tell my OH in no uncertain terms when I think HIBU and I defend my kids to the last. If I was a bad mum I wouldn?t question myself or his behaviour would I?

Sorry but this is wrong- my mother always questioned my father and her later boyfriend's behaviours it made her feel better. Like she was being a proper mum and in a way made it about her. She didn't however stop my father from treating me like shit or kicking the crap out of me (I know you haven't said anything about DV but it is still relevant)

A good mother would have taken me out of that situation and not been a doormat. I can actually handle my dad now as an adult. I can almost not be the same room as my mother as I am so hurt by her. Grow some balls and dump the guy he is not taking your comments on board because he is still being an arsehole

PaxoIsEvil · 17/12/2010 11:14

Agree whole heartedly with theevildead2. These posts are harsh, because you need to hear harsh. Read back what you've written. He admits he's a crap parent, he is regularly doing things where you have to call him on his behaviour. He is loudly telling you that he has no real interest in your children. Stop making excuses for him.

theevildead2 · 17/12/2010 11:14

There are 6,888,200,000 people in the world. Half of them are men. Get a new one. Why waste your time on someone who is less than perfect for you an your family?

Gotabookaboutit · 17/12/2010 11:21

he's a git - He's not getting the tone slightly wrong or some other borderline/understandable infringement.

I have read loads of your other post and do wonder if you have come from an abusive background as you have no real understanding of what a heathy relationship looks like

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