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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think OH is being tight and to take the presents back?

152 replies

Ladyanonymous · 17/12/2010 07:58

OH is spending xmas with me and my kids. His kids are spending the week after xmas here with us and my kids. I have got a small gift for each of his kids.

He has now told my kids he has no intention of getting them anything for xmas as he doesn't even buy for his neice and nephew (who are abroad).

He has spent a ridiculous amount of money twice as much money on his kids than I have on mine (whilst claiming he is skint and allowing me to pay for things Hmm) and his kids will be opening their presents here when they arrive.

AIBU to think that seeing as he is spending christmas here it's a bit mean for him to not even give my kids a token gift?

Should I take the gifts I got for his kids back as I don't want my kids to then see me give his kids gifts when he has made a point of not doing anything for mine IYSWIM...or is that just childish?

OP posts:
mugggletoeandwine · 17/12/2010 16:20

He doesn't have his own home, he's a bit crap with his own kids and tells OP what to do with her own house.
He's mean to her kids, expects OP to facilitate his access and spends her money.

What a charmerXmas Hmm

(I know all this from OP's threads btw, so she should know it too, but seems blind to it)

maypole1 · 17/12/2010 16:23

very strange why wouldn't you just get all the kids a few gifts from both of youConfused i feel this doesn't bode well for what direction he see your relationship going in

Animation · 17/12/2010 16:25

I don't know if it's a priority to talk CALMLY to this guy, you shouldn't need to walk on eggshells, but if it was me I'd say something on the lines of, - "if you want a relationship with me you treat my kids right, and BUY them a present"

If he doesn't like it then tough.

Don't let ANYONE hurt your babies!!

proudnscary · 17/12/2010 16:54

You are damaging your children by staying with this man.

I know this because I lived this with a stepmother who was similar to your 'd'p.

Admitting he is not the best father or stepfather means fuck all. His actions are hurting your children, who cares how much hand wringing and endless bloody conversations the two of you have?

You are hanging on to the 'good' in him but it's irrelevant because the bad bits are hurting your kids. That's all you need to know.

I do hope you realise that your children will blame YOU when they are old enough to process what happened.

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 16:56

from your other posts, he doesn't sound like a very nice man, LA.

electra · 17/12/2010 17:04

He sounds like a git and how dare he sponge off you Angry

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 17:04

what theevildead2 said in all her posts.

LA it's all about you - or at least that's the way it comes across.

You self-justify like mad when challenged. Never ever once have you ever said anything that looks like you have ever admitted to coming close to being even slightly wrong. You post stuff that sounds like a bad situation an then back track by saying 'I'm only venting, it's not that bad'.

I think you lack insight.

What you come across as believing is 'it's ok for me to stay with this damaging man who is damaging my kids, and who is disrespectful to me, because I challenge it and I can justify my behaviour to myself and I still think I'm right'.

proudnscaryvirginmary · 17/12/2010 17:07

I agree Hairy Fairy. Actually it's making my blood boil. I have lived through this with two supremelly unaware, selfish people and it damaged me.

She will carry on self justifying.

Your last sentence is spot on.

electra · 17/12/2010 17:07

If he respected you, he would want to treat your kids and his kids all the same. But he doesn't - he has a two tier system in his mind. You can do better.

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 17:11

thanks proud.

I recognise it because to some extent, give or take a few details, that was me, in my last relationship

I realise my post could sound a bit harsh, however, I wish to God someone had said something harsh to me back then and I could have had the balls to leave sooner than I did. I'm now paying a lot of money for therapy! ;)

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 17/12/2010 17:28

Hmm...this has run away with itself with people casting all kinds of assumptions about me, my ex, my kids and my partner - but I laid myself open to that by posting.

I disagree that if you're mean with money you're mean with everything else - thats just not true

I only really post here when I'm annoyed as I find it a good way of vernting. But often a life written here comes across as one dimensional.

He took me out for lunch today and we talked a lot about it and he brought up about getting my kids presents as it would be unfair for them to see his opening mine - without me mentioning it.

We then got to talking about Christmas and he said he was dreading it as he hates spending it without his kids. My kids will see their dad a few days after Christmas now for the night and boxing day my partner is going early to spend the day with his ex and his two kids for a birthday treat for one of them (as its one of thier b;days xmas eve). Giving me time alone with my kids before we got to the airport.

OP posts:
agedknees · 17/12/2010 17:29

This man is a user. He is a callous, childish, mean man.

Ladyanon - get rid of this waste of space.

hairyfairylights · 17/12/2010 17:32

Yes, you did lay yourself open to it, with both this thread and others.

There you go again.... back tracking.

You follow a pattern. Rant about how bad things are, get told whether or not YABU or not, backtrack about only venting and it's all ok really.

I think it's something to do with the way you rant, you use words which make others read that you really aren't at all happy, and that you are very, very angry.

Also posting that he is spending a lot of money , whilst saying he's skint and implying he is sponging off you, you are not going to get a good response. You are inevitably going to get people telling you he's a sponger and you know it.

theevildead2 · 17/12/2010 17:37

Some people are tight yes. Nothign wrong with that. The problem is he isn't tight with his kids. He is tight with yours because in his mind you and them are not worth it.

camdancer · 17/12/2010 17:50

So what are his good points? What mitigates against the fact he criticises you, your house and housework, doesn't contribute fairly financially, and is cruel to your children? (Did I forget anything from the recent threads?) Are you children just meant to forget what he said about the christmas presents just because he turns up with some?

When you vent on here it isn't just "my DP leaves his dirty socks on the floor" or "my DP snores in bed". These are really seriously nasty things that you are justifying away. Please stop justifying him and get rid.

QuintMissesChristmasesPast · 17/12/2010 18:07

Poor you. You must be really desperate.

I will leave this thread now. You post to "vent", then you justify, then backtrack, and then the entire situation has changed as you rewrite everything to suit the view you want to have upon it.

I wonder if you not only lack insight, but grasp of reality as it unfolds.

Gotabookaboutit · 17/12/2010 18:47

Did he - You came looking for some sympathy - and as usual, you have misjudged it and are now self justifying why you are shagging a tosser.

people make mistakes in relationships - its how they deal with those mistakes that really matters.

Gotabookaboutit · 17/12/2010 18:50

And as someone who has dealt with DV/ emotional abuse on the front line - you are the sort of person who makes it a bloody nightmare for the real victims

StewieGriffinsMom · 17/12/2010 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Myleetlepony · 17/12/2010 20:06

"You follow a pattern. Rant about how bad things are, get told whether or not YABU or not, backtrack about only venting and it's all ok really."

I agree with this. I'm afraid it feels like going into a revolving door every time I read one of these threads from you. You know he's unreasonable, you know he's not contributing fairly to your relationship, you know he's not a kind and caring man and you know he's using you. What else is there to say?

perfectstorm · 18/12/2010 01:55

You are letting your children down.

If you were thinking of them, you would end this relationship and never look back. Yet you clearly have no intention of doing any such thing. That is a choice you are making, and you cannot expect a forum full of mothers to pat you on the head and go, there, there about it. As someone else said, you're not a single woman able to sob into a glass of wine about the bloke's fuckwittery, with only you getting hurt by it.

Your kids get one shot at childhood and all you have posted so far makes theirs sound chaotic, unhappy and filled with rejection at the hands of every adult they should be able to rely upon. That's horrible to read - and must be far, far worse to live.

BuzzLightBeer · 18/12/2010 02:14

yawn. So hes perfect again, until the next time. How about you come back when you've found some self respect and emotional intelligence?

onmyfeet · 18/12/2010 09:42

Speak up to him! You didn't tell him off, you went to lunch with him. I thought he was too broke to buy your kids a present? He could have bought a book or dvd with that lunch money. No excuses.

mugggletoeandwine · 18/12/2010 14:04

OP has history with this sort of relationship nonsense.
I know her from another parenting site, and this has gone on for years.

I didn't say before (though my post saying he's not wonderful or her soulmate came from a recent post there) because it's bad netiquette. I know that, but this crap has been going on for years.

It's rude to say this, but desperate and emotionally unintelligent are correct.

OP, I do hope you see sense, because you are never going to be happy until you do, and you are damaging your kids in the meantime.

hatesponge · 18/12/2010 14:32

There's a world of difference between someone who is just mean/tight across the board, and someone whose meanness is directed at certain people and not others (ie in this case at your children and not his own). He clearly has the money, he's just choosing deliberately NOT to spend it on your children, whilst over-indulging his own.

That is plain wrong. Agree that allowing this to go on does just store up trouble for the future. Why would anyone want their own children to feel they are less important than their partners?

Speaking as a LP, this is exactly the sort of thing that makes me happy I am single, if the alternative is to end up with a selfish arse like this bloke!