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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think OH is being tight and to take the presents back?

152 replies

Ladyanonymous · 17/12/2010 07:58

OH is spending xmas with me and my kids. His kids are spending the week after xmas here with us and my kids. I have got a small gift for each of his kids.

He has now told my kids he has no intention of getting them anything for xmas as he doesn't even buy for his neice and nephew (who are abroad).

He has spent a ridiculous amount of money twice as much money on his kids than I have on mine (whilst claiming he is skint and allowing me to pay for things Hmm) and his kids will be opening their presents here when they arrive.

AIBU to think that seeing as he is spending christmas here it's a bit mean for him to not even give my kids a token gift?

Should I take the gifts I got for his kids back as I don't want my kids to then see me give his kids gifts when he has made a point of not doing anything for mine IYSWIM...or is that just childish?

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 17/12/2010 08:55

He's now moved from treating you like crap, to treating your kids like crap, too. Sorry but that is IMO an absolute dealbreaker. You deserve better, but they deserve better from YOU, never mind him.

Apart from anything else if you're spending £ on him and he isn't reciprocating, then he is taking money you could spend on them.

And agreed with Gotabookabout it - you're now letting him shit all over them and seemingly not stoppng it. You know, they'll learn how relationships work by watching yours. Do you want them where you are now in 20 years?

QuintMissesChristmasesPast · 17/12/2010 08:56

If he cant give your children a present because he loves them, if he held YOU in any regard, he would give them a presents because he loves YOU, and value you, and your time together.

Clearly he doesnt value you, and clearly he does not love you or hold you in ANY regard. He is a shit.

I would tell him he is not welcome for Christmas. You dont want to ruin YOUR OWN childrens Christmas by rubbing his lack of care for either of you in their faces during Christmas.

If he does not understand that the decent thing to do is to get your children presents when he is spending Christmas in their home, he is not worth keeping.

DITCH.

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 17/12/2010 08:58

Can you see him completely changing his personalitity in the future? Cos if not, it's not going to end well, is it? Not if he's dicking about with money and meanness already.

Get rid. You could make him buy presents for the children/take on his share of expenses or you could behave the same as him and take back your gifts. But do you want to be with someone like that?

PaxoIsEvil · 17/12/2010 09:01

What everyone else said. Being on your own must be better than being with such an arsehole.

TheParasiteofChristmasPast · 17/12/2010 09:02

You are no longer childless and in your teens. Going out with nobs and then weeping into your wineglass with your pals is an indulgence you can no longer afford as you have to factor in damage to your children.

he is a selfish nob.

onmyfeet · 17/12/2010 09:04

Are you serious? He is a guest in your home at Christmas, and he is not even giving your children anything? Plus, he is "dating" you? No acceptable excuse fore this. I would break it off with him, he obviously is not good father material. Let him have his entire Christmas, both weeks, at his own place with his kids. Cold hearted, insensitive, unmannerly man!

Where does he live that he isn't having Christmas with his kids at home anyways?
Some people really do think they can have their cake and eat it too!

kingprawntikka · 17/12/2010 09:06

I think you should take back the invitation to spend Christmas with you rather than worry about whether to take back the presents.

perfectstorm · 17/12/2010 09:07

"You are no longer childless and in your teens. Going out with nobs and then weeping into your wineglass with your pals is an indulgence you can no longer afford as you have to factor in damage to your children."

Yeah. Not to put too fine a point on it, letting someone else treat your kids like shit and not intervening, in your own home, is treating them like shit yourself.

vespucci9 · 17/12/2010 09:09

If I was going to stay somewhere for Christmas I would buy gifts for the people there. I would buy presents for my OH's children. I would want to make a contribution to the festivities - so would most people.

He seems to think blood relationships have priority - ie not even buying for niece/nephew so why buy for people who don't share the same DNA?

This isn't a trivial thing thing - it's about generosity of spirit, fairness and respect.

No, don't take back gifts - show by example what is expected behaviour and put your foot down about a contribution to the household expenses. You can't make him want to buy presents so I wouldn't try to change that one.

Someone on another thread had a phrase which I can't fully remember so will have to paraphrase - when someone shows you their real self - pay attention.

I also think the point about your children learning about relationships from you and your example is very pertinent.

The phrase OH is quite interesting isn't it? In what way is he behaving like your other half?

perfectstorm · 17/12/2010 09:12

That's Maya Angelou, isn't it? "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

christmasrocks · 17/12/2010 09:13

I`m sorry but could not be with a man who treats my DCs like that - get rid of him, sharpish!!!!!! Better on your own.

detachandtrustyourself · 17/12/2010 09:14

I remember that phrase on another thread, (true self, pay attention,(believe them?) Think it is from a maya angelou book. Agree.

detachandtrustyourself · 17/12/2010 09:14

xposts

Gotabookaboutit · 17/12/2010 09:17

An OP I remember lots of your other posts.

StayingFatherChristmasGirl · 17/12/2010 09:21

Please don't let him treat your children like this. As so many others have said on this thread, this is not a promising start to his relationship with them.

You are actually lucky that he is showing you what he is like now, whilst you still have a chance to back out. Is this relationship still worth it when he is being mean to your children, and do you think he is going to get any nicer if the relationship becomes permanent/he moves in?

curlymama · 17/12/2010 09:21

This actually makes me really uncomfortable. Why would you invite a man to share your childrens Christmas when he can't even be gracious enough to give them a present? let alone then host his Christmas with his kids.

It's horrible, truly horrible. It's not about tight and it's not about the children getting an extra present, it's the attitude he has towards you and your children. The total lack of respect, appreciation for what you are doing, condiseration to your dc's feelings, it's horrible.

i grew up a bit like this, and it's not nice. Your children won't forget you letting someone treat them like this. They will remember, and while they might forgive you they will always remember the Christmas when other children came into their home and got treated significantly better than they did. And his children will be treated significantly better because you will no doubt be lovely to them and they will be given an abundence of lovely gifts. Presumably after getting lots of lovely gifts in their own homes. Your children will spend Christmas day with one, not two people who love them and want the beat for them, and that will be it. They will get nice gifts, but they will notice that his dc's are getting twice what they are getting, and that you are making the effort for his dc's when he makes none for them.

My stepdad used to spend Christmas with me insead of his own kids, and I think he resented me for the fact that I was there when his own kids were not. I noticed. I remember. He was never blatantly horrible, but it was still there

Please stick up for your children and don't force this selfish man on them, otherwise you are being as selfish as he is.

Dropdeadfred · 17/12/2010 09:23

How would he feel if YOU said hos kids could come but you wouldnt be feeding them/providing electricity/hot water etc..???

This guy sounds mean and he is testing you to see how nasty and men he can openly be to your kids and you are telling him (by your actions) that he can go ahead and treat them like dirt.

Vallhala · 17/12/2010 09:26

Sorry but you're a convenience.

You're convenient to shag, you offer a convenient house for this man to stay in and a convenient place for him to meet his DC.

Your children are clearly an inconvenience.

We all accept that there are people who can afford more for their DC than we can and that our DC have to lie with that. What is not on is for someone who is supposed to be a partner rubbing it in by taking his children to someone else's house, not contributing to the expenses whilst claiming to be a partner, showering his DC with not only 8his gifts whilst yours look on but yours* as well, and not even offering yours a bag of toffess.

This isn't a question of "What kind of man is he?". This is a case of "What kind of mother are you?".

I've read some of your previous posts too.
He is out of order and a user. You are putting him and your wants before your own kids and letting him do it. By all means let a man use you as a convenient shag, a hotel, a doormat if you want to, but it's just bloody selfish and cruel to do it to your children.

SantasENormaSnob · 17/12/2010 09:27

Get rid.

I predict a very very unhappy life for your dcs if you stay with this man.

theevildead2 · 17/12/2010 09:27

Sorry but aren't you always posting this sort of thing? If you know he is BU and he always seems to be why would you be with him?

I'm not really sure I belive this story anymore.

vespucci9 · 17/12/2010 09:28

@perfect storm
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

Far more elegant :-)

FrostyAndSlippery · 17/12/2010 09:29

What's the background with this guy then? Has he been treating you like this the whole time? I'm sure I've seen your name before.

curlymama · 17/12/2010 09:31

Well said Vallhala

Op, I hope these responses anren't upsetting you too much, this can't be nice to hear, especially about someone you obviously have strong feelings for. But for your children's sake, you need to listen. They need you to listen.

Vallhala · 17/12/2010 09:38

Sorry, I've re-read and my post was a bit harsh but, I know that it isn't necessary for a lifetime forces man who is a divorcee with kids to act like that. I dated one when my own marriage broke up many years ago and had the opposite problem... I had to run out of shops before he whipped something off the shelf and plonked it on the cashiers desk because he thought my DDs would like/look nice in it!

curlymama · 17/12/2010 09:43

Lol Val, my Dh is the same, or was when we first got together. I had to stop him from giving so much to the dc's that they began to see him as a credit card. Even now they will ocassionally ask him for something rather than me because they know he's a sucker!