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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think OH is being tight and to take the presents back?

152 replies

Ladyanonymous · 17/12/2010 07:58

OH is spending xmas with me and my kids. His kids are spending the week after xmas here with us and my kids. I have got a small gift for each of his kids.

He has now told my kids he has no intention of getting them anything for xmas as he doesn't even buy for his neice and nephew (who are abroad).

He has spent a ridiculous amount of money twice as much money on his kids than I have on mine (whilst claiming he is skint and allowing me to pay for things Hmm) and his kids will be opening their presents here when they arrive.

AIBU to think that seeing as he is spending christmas here it's a bit mean for him to not even give my kids a token gift?

Should I take the gifts I got for his kids back as I don't want my kids to then see me give his kids gifts when he has made a point of not doing anything for mine IYSWIM...or is that just childish?

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 18/12/2010 14:42

You are easily pleased.

cakewench · 18/12/2010 14:50

Don't return the gifts you've bought. It's not their fault their dad is a tool.

I echo the others who are asking why you're with him, though. This can't be the first time he's shown this sort of behaviour.

mugggletoeandwine · 18/12/2010 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

mugggletoeandwine · 18/12/2010 19:32

I thought that might be removed.
In my defence, the OP has never tried to hide anything from one site to this, which is why I recognised her. I told her who I was.
It's an open site, and a well known one.

It's also relevant as she hasn't learned at all in the last two years and is doing herself no favours.

Animation · 18/12/2010 20:29

A guy who goes out of his way to tell YOUR kids that he won't be giving them any presents - well that's a definition of a CRUEL characer. The OP should have been on him like a ton of bricks, but she wasn't - she has some kind of stupid devotion to him.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 18/12/2010 22:18

Nice mugglewine. What did I ever do to you?

OP posts:
mugggletoeandwine · 18/12/2010 23:53

I can't believe after all this time you still can't see how damaging this is, for you, and your children.

You are still behaving like a teenager, which is what you were accused of back then.

You did nothing to me, but presumably you have nothing to hide. Why would you? And that's how I knew who you were, and straight away told you I 'know' you.

Carry on, but make sure you save some money for therapy.

I bow out now.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 18/12/2010 23:54

I have asked for this thread to be deleted for obvious reasons.

Everyone has jumped on the DV bandwagon which this not is.

I have misrepresented myself and my relationship here by posting when I was angry and pissed off, wehish I will not do again.

I think if someone is happy to admit they are not the perfect parent/partner then thery sould be supportede, not vilified.

How then do you become a better partner/parent?

And why on earth if this was a DV situation would someone then try to identify me?

OP posts:
StayingFatherChristmasGirl · 19/12/2010 11:37

If this man's attitude towards your children is damaging them, then surely this is domestic violence.

Why would you want to have someone around your children who can show such an unpleasant and uncaring attitude towards them? If you were to marry him, he would be their stepfather - do you honestly think a decent stepfather would refuse to get presents for his stepchildren, because they meant as little to him as his nieces and nephews?

Yes, he recanted this at a later date, but that doesn't change the fact that he said it in the first place - and (if I have understood correctly) told your children this.

If he can do and say this to your children, what will he do or say next? And who is standing up for them?

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/12/2010 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janos · 19/12/2010 11:53

This is one of the saddest threads I've seen on MN in quite some time.

I had a step parent like this and can remember how awful it was. Thank god I didn't have to live with her. Poor children caught in the middle of all this.

Janos · 19/12/2010 11:55

I agree SGM he sounds very cruel. What kind of a person would say that to a child? It's so spiteful and meanspirited.

catinthehat2 · 19/12/2010 12:00

In 10 years time, the OP's posts are still going to be hanging up on the interwebs (other than the ones she has had deleted).

SO whatever spin the OP is giving to her kids, they are going to be able to find the real story without trying too hard.

Oh dear.

onceamai · 19/12/2010 12:23

This is awfully sad. Surely if there is a chance of a long term permanent relationship with this man some boundaries need to be set right now about how all the children are to be treated and treated equally. If he does not want to treat yours as well as he treats his own, then IMO there is no future in this relationship. Just think how much more your own DC could have if you hadn't spent any money on this guy or his children.

This doesn't sound like a good omen for future family christmases. Of course you are both likely to love your own more than the others but it's not right to openly treat them differently.

I'm really sorry the thread has gone a bit above and beyond but think it would be sensible to set down some clear expectations from your side and if they are not agreed to call time on this relationship.

Good luck OP.

metalelephant · 19/12/2010 12:33

He is cheap and you're selling yourself short. One thing my dad taught me is that people who are tight with money are tight with feelings too.
He spends on his children but not yours. Your children will feel this injustice and you should be on their side.

You can do better, not just for you but also for your kids. He's a selfish man, he's not worth it, and I hope you will stop making excuses for him.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 19/12/2010 12:43

That's very sad - I feel sorry for you and your kids, that you appeared to be so blinkered about how little you and your kids mean to this man.

You have been offered some very good advice on this thread.

I am glad your OH has now said he will get presents for your kids but he still needs to contribute equally to the running of your household.

StayingFatherChristmasGirl · 19/12/2010 12:53

I would seriously worry about being with a man who needs to be told that you have to treat your stepchildren (which these children pretty much are, given the circumstances) the same as your own children!

What does that say about the man? Nothing good I am afraid.

FrostyAndSlippery · 19/12/2010 14:28

How long before the next thread like this?! :(

Blu · 19/12/2010 14:32

LadyAnonymous, to be fair, many many threads on MN are 'vents' by people having a dad episode with a partner being temporarily out of order. But the behaviour you describe really does lead everyone to identify that your dp persistently and frequently behaves in a way whihc is not healthy, or doesn't sound healthy.

Everyone has your best interests at heart.

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 19/12/2010 14:47

Sad why why why do women want a man so much they will put up with idiots like this who walk all over them and treat their kids like rubbish?

Muira · 19/12/2010 15:29

See you next time, OP.

I couldnt agree more with the poster who said
"You came looking for some sympathy - and as usual, you have misjudged it and are now self justifying why you are shagging a tosser.

people make mistakes in relationships - its how they deal with those mistakes that really matters."

nancy10 · 19/12/2010 15:39

I would be absolutely gutted if my partner reacted in this way to my children. But then I would never let a twat like this into our lives. He thinks very little of them and too be honest you can't think much of them if you stay with them. Your kids come before any man!

nancy10 · 19/12/2010 15:40

Stay with him not them.

kingazanzi · 19/12/2010 17:27

Is this question for real? there are some really messed up mums around to even consider having this type of set up for your kids. Get rid.

There is NOTHING wrong being on your own. Ladies - please keep crap shitty men out of your children's lives. How fucking hard is it?

we hear everyday from women claiming their children mean the world to them and they come first...BULLSHIT! arrrgh

onmyfeet · 20/12/2010 03:05

Ladyanonymous: Do you not see he is a cruel and selfish man?

Yes?
No?