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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think OH is being tight and to take the presents back?

152 replies

Ladyanonymous · 17/12/2010 07:58

OH is spending xmas with me and my kids. His kids are spending the week after xmas here with us and my kids. I have got a small gift for each of his kids.

He has now told my kids he has no intention of getting them anything for xmas as he doesn't even buy for his neice and nephew (who are abroad).

He has spent a ridiculous amount of money twice as much money on his kids than I have on mine (whilst claiming he is skint and allowing me to pay for things Hmm) and his kids will be opening their presents here when they arrive.

AIBU to think that seeing as he is spending christmas here it's a bit mean for him to not even give my kids a token gift?

Should I take the gifts I got for his kids back as I don't want my kids to then see me give his kids gifts when he has made a point of not doing anything for mine IYSWIM...or is that just childish?

OP posts:
Milngavie · 17/12/2010 11:22

Curlymama and Chaotic Christmas

My Dad was very lovely and unfortunately passed away 11 years ago.

He always put me first now matter what.

.

curlymama · 17/12/2010 11:29

Oh Milngavie, I didn't mean to make you cry! I hope you are ok, and can take comfort that your Dad loved you very very much.

My Dad died 16 years ago, I know how crap it is, even after all that time.

InPraiseOfBacchus · 17/12/2010 12:14

This guy is a user, and clearly doesn't give a crap about your kids' feelings. I'd let this be your last Christmas together, honestly. You're obviously a very thoughtful person to have sorted him out with paying for things for so long, and being generous and welcoming with his children. You really deserve better.

Kids really do notice stuff like this, and I imagine this kind of behaviour is not just happening at Christmas.

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 17/12/2010 12:20

Milngavie sorry to hear about your dad and sorry for making you cry. You must have some lovely memories of him, try to take comfort in them.

SkyBluePearl · 17/12/2010 12:23

you should give the gifts you bought for his children to your children (or exchange them for more suitable pressies for you kids). your kids can open the gifts at the same time his kids do.

SkyBluePearl · 17/12/2010 12:25

actually on second thoughts give the gifts to his kids and tell him to enjoy Xmas without you. He really should make some effort if he wants to be apart of your family.

NinkyNonker · 17/12/2010 12:28

But surely it's the principle? Without your mentioning it he genuinely thought it reasonable to behave this way...what does that say about his nature anf how he views your babies?? Add that to everything else you have told us and he sounds like someone you really should move on from. What does he offer that is so great?

camdancer · 17/12/2010 12:31

This man made a big deal of telling your children that they weren't getting any presents from him. That isn't tight or frugal it is mean and cruel. You shouldn't have to pick him up on things like that - he shouldn't do them. Any person who cared for you wouldn't be so cruel.

Do you think you can change him into being a good dad and save his children? You can't and it isn't your job to. Your kids have a crappy dad, why let them be around a crappy step dad?

I don't think you are a bad mum, but I think you have your priorities all screwed up. Maybe something in your past has caused that but whatever it is, maybe you need to look at why you seem to be putting this man before your children - because that is what you are doing.

Vallhala · 17/12/2010 12:41

Have a look at what you're saying! What kid of a man, particularly one who is a parent himself, should need to be called on his selfish behaviour?

I'm not a child-centred type of person but even so I feel quite sad at the idea of your kids watching his open all kinds of expensive presents in the week after Christmas including presents from their own Mum, when theirs would have already been opened on Xmas day, and having nothing, not even a token bar of chocolate, to open alongside your boyfriend's kids as he is too selfish and mean to buy them anything. And yet you're happy to sit there and watch your children's faces when that happens?

I'm pretty disgusted, tbh, that you should defend not only his behaviour - remembering that you are struggling with feeding/clothing/paying bills for your kids because you are feeding and entertaining his FOC - but that you should be defending your own behaviour too. It's coming over loud and clear to me that you're putting your relationship with your boyfriend before your kids here.

Vallhala · 17/12/2010 12:42

Huh! I meant "what kiNd of a man..."!

QuintMissesChristmasesPast · 17/12/2010 13:25

I agree wholeheartedly with Valhalla and Theevildead.

I now remember some of your previous threads.

I pity your poor children. For having a knob of a father, and a mum who subjects them to such a horrid man, and thinks that just because she talks to him about his idiotic ways, it is ok.

He has already TOLD your children they are not worthy of presents. The damage is done! Dont you see?

And you DO put him and your needs before your own childrens. If you did put them first, you would not be with him, and he wouldnt had the chance of ruining their Christmas, DAYS in advance he warns them they are not to get presents because they mean shit to him.

Sorry, but that sucks.

perfectstorm · 17/12/2010 13:54

"If I was a bad mum I wouldn?t question myself or his behaviour would I?"

Um, yes. If you are questioning his behaviour to your children on a regular basis, and you are still with him? That is not about to win any mother of the year awards. You are colluding in what he is doing to your kids. You are partly responsible, because YOU are the one choosing to be with a man who treats them badly. You have a choice, here. You aren't helpless or a victim - unlike them. You have a choice about who you are with, and you've chosen someone who treats your kids like shit. Saying "oh, but I feel bad about it!" doesn't help them, so it's irrelevant.

BuzzLightBeer · 17/12/2010 14:57

not enough to question it when you don't ever do anything about it. Its just self indulgent angst with no real point.

Do you really think so little of yourself op? get a grip, its all "yeah i know hes tight/mean/rude/selfish etc but i love him".

this isn't rantspace, its aibu, and you are?

ensure · 17/12/2010 15:01

Normal decent men wouldn't have to be told that this was wrong in the first place. He sounds awful. :(

saffy85 · 17/12/2010 15:32

This is more than tight imo.

YABU to not give his DC the presents you got them but he wouldn't get so much as a Terry's choclate orange from me. What an arsehole.

Are you sure you want to be with someone who seems to care so little about your family?

GlitteryBalls · 17/12/2010 15:42

He sounds like a dcikhead to me. Ditch him. But if you don't, don't take his kids presents back. It's not their fault their dad's a tool.

GlitteryBalls · 17/12/2010 15:43

P.S. To use the fact that he doesn't buy his niece and nephew a present to justify not getting your kids a present is pathetic. He should be getting his niece and nephew a present too anyway. Hmm

Diamondback · 17/12/2010 15:46

Mean with money = mean with everything - run for the hills!

NinkyNonker · 17/12/2010 15:49

It does kind of show that he sees your children as nothing to do with him, as if they weren't a part of either of your lives.

Rev084 · 17/12/2010 15:53

Give his kids the presents as an example to your OH of how to behave... as a kind, thoughtful, humane person at christmas time, the time to 'give' not receive. What a scrooge.

OTheHugeManatee · 17/12/2010 15:55

Just my 2p worth, but isn't there a bit of a theme emerging between this and the exh/boxing day thread, about using children as pawns in tit for tat relationship games? Whether it's what time your exH turns up to collect them, or whether your current DP buys presents for your kids/you for them, the poor DCs all seem to get dragged into power games between you and your partners.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but FGS woman, you're going to produce some really fucked up kids if you let this continue.

FakePlasticTrees · 17/12/2010 16:00

As he has already told your DCs he considers them on par with distant family he doesn't care about, a present now says "your mother made me buy this" not "I care about you and thought you would enjoy this".

Sorry, damage is done. they won't foget this quickly, even if gifts do arrive from him.

A decent man wouldn't have to be reguarly pulled up on his behaviour. If you have had to have words more than once about how he treats your DCs, then he's only behaving because he has too, not because he wants to.

He doesn't give a shit about them - he'll pretend he does if you force him too in order to stay with you, but he won't start giving a shit.

It;s a bit close to Christmas and I'm sure you'll stay with him for it, but in the New Year, spend some time reading back all your posts about this man.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 17/12/2010 16:07

He doesn't want to get your kids anything for christmas, he's regularly got his hand in your pocket and he'll happily accept anything you throw his way?

nice.

You know, challenging someone when they treat your children with contempt but still staying with them doesn't tell your children that they come first.

It's lip service, nothing more.

Acanthus · 17/12/2010 16:15

Oh yes, this guy. You never said on the last thread I saw - does he have his own home?

mugggletoeandwine · 17/12/2010 16:16

He's a mean, spiteful, cruel, cocklodger and you are a doormat.
Get rid of him ffs, he is not wonderful, nor your soulmate.

He is screwing with your kids and you are letting him, and even doing it too in the case of the last thread.

Why are you so desperate to be with him?