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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike strangers telling my children off

213 replies

Anenome · 22/09/2010 15:18

Right...before I get too many "It take a village to raise a child" comments Let me just say that I am all for people supporting parents in a tactful way if their DC's are having a meltdown. But today in M&S my 2 year old was having a little argument with me...not screaming...not kicking or yelling...she was just saying "I hold it! I hold it!" over and over again in a shrill voice...as they do!

As she was talking about a large box of cakes I was about to pay for, I kept pushing her and saying "No, but later you can eat one" and similar platitdes....anyway...an M&S assistant suddenly stepped right in front of our path....stopped e in my tracks..I actually thught I must have dropped something...she knelt in front of my DD and said in a stern voice..."Now! You must behave!" No smile....

I immediately wheeled around her and said "NO! If there is any telling off to do, then I do it...not you"

And carried on... as I was slightly fuming ...my DD is quite shy...and who on earth did this bloody woman think she was!?

As I left the woman beind, she started shrieking with laughter...(witch like laughter!) and LOUDLY...SO I turned and said "It's not funny either!"

I thinkt the laughter was due to a nervous reaction...but really...I am I being unresonable?

I TOTALLY like it when elderly ladies and the like, will come up and smile and distract a yelling or grumpy toddler...thats ok!

But you dont kneel in front of my child and stop me in my tracks to do it!

Also, another issue I have is my DC's learrning that not ALL aduts have the right to tell them what to do...

still Angry

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 22/09/2010 15:21

I agree with you on this one

it was rude and undermining of her

and inappropriate

but you will probably get a bit of a beating...

HecateQueenOfWitches · 22/09/2010 15:23

In the specific situation you describe, I agree that the woman did not do the right thing. Her intervention was not required and was basically her saying that you were doing a crap job of controlling your child!

I am 100% in favour of 'it takes a village to raise a child' Grin (I know that's not what you want to hear.) but I agree that YANBU to be cross about what you describe.

scurryfunge · 22/09/2010 15:24

Depends how much of a pain the child is being and if she is disturbing everyone else.

Sometimes it is good that children realise it is not just mum they are affecting when they misbehave.

BornToFolk · 22/09/2010 15:24

YANBU. I'd be fuming too. It was inappropriate and unhelpful too.

Greensleeves · 22/09/2010 15:26

I have to say the post about the old lady taking the bag of sweets off the belt - thread the other day - did make me think "good on her"

but it must have been very humiliating for the mum concerned

I do NOT have a problem with other adult telling my kids off if they are rude or badly behaved around them though. Particularly if I am not there

in fact I encourage my close friends to be firm with ds1 to an almost unseemly degree - we need everybody banging the same drum where he is concerned!

mice · 22/09/2010 15:26

Why didn't you tell her more sternly to be quiet?
While I don't agree with someone undermining you, a child shrieking in M&S is really annoying - I would have told mine in no uncertain terms to be quiet or they wouldn't have got a cake later...
Did she stop shrieking after the woman told her off??

DanceInTheDark · 22/09/2010 15:27

In that situation yes it was wrong.

I don't agree with the "it takes a village to raise a child" thing tbh. I don't mind if my children are being naughty and i am not doing anything about it but for a stranger to become involved in raising my child is bonkers. in my opinion

alarkaspree · 22/09/2010 15:29

It's a supermarket though, not usually a haven of peace and quiet. A librarian the other day had to ask my children to be quiet in the library, I was Blush that he had to intervene, I should have made sure they were quieter, but I certainly wasn't annoyed.

But the M&S woman here is completely inappropriate. The OP's dd wasn't even really misbehaving.

chegggersplayspop · 22/09/2010 15:32

I would have been fuming too. Though I probably would have giggled inappropriately and gone red, so credit to you for saying there and then what I would have wanted to say to her!

I was trying to coerce ds into doing something in a shop once and a lady said ' next time you could try saying it this way....' Her advice was bloody spot on actually and I have it ringing in my ears all the time now. The way she said it was supportive and I didn't feel humiliated or undermined so I think it's the way people do it which is important.

FindingMyMojo · 22/09/2010 15:35

"I kept pushing her and saying "No, but later you can eat one" and similar platitdes"

if you were pushing DD & DD was ignoring you and you pushed her again etc, perhaps the lady was afraid things were going to get more physical?

I'm sure they weren't but perhaps to someone passing by & witnessing a childs demands met by pushing, it could have been construed things taking a turn for the worse was on the cards and she intervened hoping to snap you both out of it? Some people do get physical with their kids you know (though I reiterate I'm not implying that you were - just that perhaps the M&S lady thought you were)

scurryfunge · 22/09/2010 15:40

I took pushing to mean pushing the pushchair, not the child.

Original poster
Anenome · 22/09/2010 15:54

Yes scurryfunge

I did mean the pushchair! Lol.....

Mice....she wasn't shreiking really loudly..there were plenty of adults
talk-shouting far louder than she was!She was just being boringly drony really....

OP posts:
DetectivePotato · 22/09/2010 16:00

YANBU. I loathe anyone telling off my child. It is my job (and DH's) unless it is good friends and they see something I don't, thats fine.

It doesn't take a whole village and I wouldn't appreciate some stranger telling DS off. Particularly for things that I ignore.

"Why didn't you tell her more sternly to be quiet?" And if you tell them and they don't? You can't forceably make a child be quiet no matter how much we would like to.

I hate it when I am telling DS off and I have a load of bloody relatives all pilling in as well to berate the 'naughty child' (usually for minor things that don't take a room full of people to tell him off for). I also hate it when people come into my house and tell DS off for something that he is allowed to do. Example, FIL telling him to get off a footstool that DS is allowed on.

Sorry for the rant but it is a real pet hate of mine!!

VinegarTits · 22/09/2010 16:02

i would have reported her, i didnt realise M&S had a 'children should be seen and not heard policy' Hmm

LadyBiscuit · 22/09/2010 16:02

Oh FGS. She was trying to help you, you muppet.

VinegarTits · 22/09/2010 16:04

i wouldnt call that helping, helping would be distraction, saying hello to the child, taking her mind of the cakes, not bloody telling her off Hmm

melikalikimaka · 22/09/2010 16:05

People were always telling my oldest off, sometimes I was grateful of the backup.

BalloonSlayer · 22/09/2010 16:07

Hmm at "Now! You must behave!"

What does that mean to a toddler, exactly?

Actually the little girl WAS "behaving."

Presumably the woman meant "You must behave Well" but any parent with an ounce of experience knows that children are bewildered even by that. You need to explain what you mean by "behaving well."

FindingMyMojo · 22/09/2010 16:07

oh - well that makes sense. it didn't even occur to me - I thought what a strange thing to do?? Must be pregnancy brain kicking in - better up the fish oils!

zazen · 22/09/2010 16:23

I think they were all out of order - a two year old is the parent's job completely IMO.

I too like the old biddies who kindly distract the tantruming child, but to be stern will do no good if the child is two - rather it will frighten them.

You must have felt besieged.

Make a complaint to MnS management if you feel very strongly about it.

And breathe...

darcymum · 22/09/2010 16:25

I am always grateful if people tell my children off and equally, complement them if they are good and I do believe the whole village thing. I think we are in real danger of loosing that though because you just don't dare tell of somebody else's child these days. I think without some community spirit children are free to just misbehave and terrorise communities when parents aren't looking because nobody else has the authority to deal with it.

Having said that it sounds like she was a bit heavy handed.

cupofcoffee · 22/09/2010 16:37

I would say that it is unreasonable to dislike people telling of your child under any circumstances (know people like this and it causes big problems) but with the situation in your OP then YANBU at all. She was out of order to step-in in the situation described.

Original poster
Anenome · 22/09/2010 17:01

Yes...and to those who suggest complaining I did think of it...but with DD so tired and bored I didnt want to risk havingto wait around for manager.

I am a BIG complainer Grin but don't think I could write as I never got the assistants name...

Feel better now I know I wasn't being crazy (I am sometimes a bit ott when it come to my DC's!)

OP posts:
OrmRenewed · 22/09/2010 17:02

In this case yanbu. But I have no problem with my DC being told off by others if neccessary.

Bucharest · 22/09/2010 17:07

You kind of are, and you kind of aren't (BU)

Whilst in the situation you describe the assistant sounds a bit of an interfering loon, the fact would remain (as far as I were concerned) that my child was behaving in such a way that a 3rd party had felt they needed to get involved. So I'd kind of be mortified at myself rather than huffing and puffing about complaining.

(and I don't necessarily subscribe to the village thing either....I'm one of those who tends to shriek "ah! so yours never tantied in the middle of a shop then huh?" when middle-aged folk (for it tends to be the 50somethings rather than the real oldies) start with One Of Those Looks.)