To dislike strangers telling my children off

[Anenome]

Right...before I get too many "It take a village to raise a child" comments Let me just say that I am all for people supporting parents in a tactful way if their DC's are having a meltdown. But today in M&S my 2 year old was having a little argument with me...not screaming...not kicking or yelling...she was just saying "I hold it! I hold it!" over and over again in a shrill voice...as they do!

As she was talking about a large box of cakes I was about to pay for, I kept pushing her and saying "No, but later you can eat one" and similar platitdes....anyway...an M&S assistant suddenly stepped right in front of our path....stopped e in my tracks..I actually thught I must have dropped something...she knelt in front of my DD and said in a stern voice..."Now! You must behave!" No smile....

I immediately wheeled around her and said "NO! If there is any telling off to do, then I do it...not you"

And carried on... as I was slightly fuming ...my DD is quite shy...and who on earth did this bloody woman think she was!?

As I left the woman beind, she started shrieking with laughter...(witch like laughter!) and LOUDLY...SO I turned and said "It's not funny either!"

I thinkt the laughter was due to a nervous reaction...but really...I am I being unresonable?

I TOTALLY like it when elderly ladies and the like, will come up and smile and distract a yelling or grumpy toddler...thats ok!

But you dont kneel in front of my child and stop me in my tracks to do it!

Also, another issue I have is my DC's learrning that not ALL aduts have the right to tell them what to do...

still

Bloody hell! I can't believe the way this thread has gone!

A 2 year old whining is not naughty. Its what they do ffs. If DS does this while we are shopping, we ignore him. Reacting to him is guaranteed to make him carry on. ignoring works best for us. We know that as his parents so we know best how to deal with our child, just like the OP.

And now we are bringing the possibility of this woman having special needs into it! What bollocks.

I would also be very interested in these people on here that said they wouldn't stand for it and if they were there etc etc. What the hell would you have done to make a 2 year old stop whining? Please pass on your infinate wisdom as you clearly know something the rest of us don't. If a child is going to whine, you cannot always stop them, no matter how much you try to distract them or tell them off.

I like LadyBiscuit but I did have a little chuckle at how do you know she didn't have learning difficulties

Lol DetectivePotato!

I would LOVE to see some of these wonderous people work their magic! It's not as if I said she was yelling and biting the shop assistant!

Exactly Anenome. You would think thats exactly what your DD was doing with some of the answers here.

I go to the supermarket. Yes it drives me mad when I can hear shouting toddlers, but I remind myself that I have one myself and I am far more tolerant.

I would probably be in line for a butt-kicking because if my DS is tantrumming in a shop, I simply ignore him. It's the only thing that works. Try and placate him and the cries get louder. Ignore him and it'll fizzle out.

People can disapprove all they like. They're in a public place, not in their own home. If they don't like other people's foibles they really should stay at home.

She should not have done it, but you were BU to fly of the handle like that! Your reaction is as bad as what she did.

Not very classy.

cupcakesandbunting

That's what my sister does...it works for her...I did try the ignoring tacic but it drives DD up the wall and I find that if I join in her drone and "converse" with her in that way, she feels better.

I wouldn't have them whining! I expect that other people were thinking exactly the same as the assistant-just remove the cakes and don't get drawn into pointless arguments-the difference is that most of us would have minded our own business. I don't really mind them whining, if they are not whining to me!
It is all trivial-not worth a fuss-just brush it off with the DC-she will meet lots of not so nice people in her life.

Piscesmooon...kids whine! You can't say "I wouldn't have them whining"

What would you do!? Gag them? They whinge they whine and if people don't like it then tough! I wont shout at a 2 year old who has sat good as gold for ages whilst I shop...I wont...and my kids are polite and well adjusted...a normal little whinge does not warrant interference from a assistant in a shop...it's rude.

And I could not remove the cakes...I WAS HOLDING THEM! She was asking to hold them...I was on my way to pay for them as I had people coming for tea!

CC&B - it is the MN equivalent of Godwin's law

Other people always know what's best for other people's kids. 'Tis how the world works.

I think that parakeet is right - there are so many different approaches to managing your children (and different views on what is acceptable, what is irritating, etc), that intervention by strangers - especially when the kid is doing something as innocuous as anenome's was - is as likely to be counterproductive as it is helpful.

Slight disclaimer - I do see that there is a point at which both parents and children could usefully be made aware that their behaviour is upsetting others. But I think this situation is a very long way from that point.

Not worth getting upset about though, I think - just one of the bazillion things you have to get used to letting wash over you...

It is, LadyBiscuit.

i.e "AIBU some bloke just stabbed me in the neck at the bus stop and am not happy" everyone on MN "YABVVVVU how do you know he did not have SN/learning difficulties?"

completly not her place to say this, especially as she worked there. i would have complained to her manager

at "some bloke just stabbed me in the neck at the bus stop AIBU"

:o CC&B

I am playing a bit devil's avocado on this thread. I would have probably been irritated but I wouldn't have said anything. And I really think 'if there's any telling off to be done then I do it' is an odd attitude. Not all parents do tell their children off when they should and sometimes you have to intervene (am more thinking about when other kids are pushing your child at the park or snatching a toy off them at playgroup).

I would never say 'you must behave' though. I say 'no thank you'. :)

I agree with the "only parents do telling off" thing. I expect grandparents/pre-school teachers/other relatives and friends to reprimand my DS (in an appropriate way) if he is being a little darling.

But yeah, M&S woman sounded a bit divvy. I always say "what's all this silly noise then?" whilst doing saucer eyes. It usually scares them into submission

I meant I disagree with the "only parents do telling off"

Reminds me of a party I had for my 6 yr old, all the angels of the class turned into evil little sods. I was really stuck, I didn't want to tell them off at our party, but they were swearing, being filthy, generally taking the piss. Some of the other moms were sitting and watching and did nothing! I was sooooo glad when that party ended.

Your'e between a rock and a hard place, the m&s assistant probably thought she was helping and didn't mean anything by it.

I think people object to other people trying to discipline their own children because, above all, else, the one thing one does not want to be perceived as, is a parent who can't cope.

And, as with anything in life, the greater the objection to such a feeling, the greater the likelihood that it is grounded in truth.

Barmy I understand where you are coming from.

YADNBU - I have a 2yo daughter and this is exactly the sort of thing she would do! It's not naughty, just normal toddler behaviour, i would prob have done what you did, or let her hold the box until we got to the checkout perhaps.

If she had been doing something destructive like pulling things off the shelf etc then of course she would have been entitled to intervene if you weren't saying anything, but a bit of whining? All kids do that all the time in shops!

I have no problem with other people disciplining my kids if they are looking after them and i'm not there, or if the thing they are doing directly affects that person, eg if we were at someone's house and DD was messing with their ornaments, or if she was pushing other kids in the playground and i hadn't noticed. But i think if it is clear the parent is already dealing with the situation it is NOT ok to stick your oar in and undermine the parent in front of the child.

Barmy

No...I don't fear looking as if I can't cope....we ALL look like we cant cope at times...I just don't like people thinking they have the right to enforce their ideas of right and wrong on my child. That's my job and the job of certain carefully designated people such as Grandma, Aunty and playgroup leader.

YADNBU. I once had a man in sainburys shout at my 2 yr old, who was doing nothing wrong. I had rewarded him for being so good at the shops by allowing him to choose a small bag of chocolate stars from the counter while we were queueing for the paper. He had gone in between this man and a lady in a wheelchair. The man shouted at him to go back to his mother, which he did in tears. My first thought was that the man was with the lady in the wheelchair and that my son had pushed her in some way, so I apologised to her.
She said 'I have nothing to do with this man, your son did nothing wrong.'
The man then said to me, 'clearly you have no control over your child'.
I was incensed and replied, ' I have complete control over my son who has been a very good boy today, but you clearly have no control over your temper. Please turn round and face the other way, I don't want to speak to you or see your bad tempered face any longer.' Both the woman in the wheelchair and the woman cashier supported me verbally and I was very glad that I had somehow found the courage to speak.
He had no right to behave the way he did. I think you were absolutely right to bring her to book.

Wow janajos - you go girl! Great response, what a grumpy old man.

YANBU - unless I am not with my children then no, no other adult has the right to reprimand my children.