To dislike strangers telling my children off

[Anenome]

Right...before I get too many "It take a village to raise a child" comments Let me just say that I am all for people supporting parents in a tactful way if their DC's are having a meltdown. But today in M&S my 2 year old was having a little argument with me...not screaming...not kicking or yelling...she was just saying "I hold it! I hold it!" over and over again in a shrill voice...as they do!

As she was talking about a large box of cakes I was about to pay for, I kept pushing her and saying "No, but later you can eat one" and similar platitdes....anyway...an M&S assistant suddenly stepped right in front of our path....stopped e in my tracks..I actually thught I must have dropped something...she knelt in front of my DD and said in a stern voice..."Now! You must behave!" No smile....

I immediately wheeled around her and said "NO! If there is any telling off to do, then I do it...not you"

And carried on... as I was slightly fuming ...my DD is quite shy...and who on earth did this bloody woman think she was!?

As I left the woman beind, she started shrieking with laughter...(witch like laughter!) and LOUDLY...SO I turned and said "It's not funny either!"

I thinkt the laughter was due to a nervous reaction...but really...I am I being unresonable?

I TOTALLY like it when elderly ladies and the like, will come up and smile and distract a yelling or grumpy toddler...thats ok!

But you dont kneel in front of my child and stop me in my tracks to do it!

Also, another issue I have is my DC's learrning that not ALL aduts have the right to tell them what to do...

still

janjos

You sound like a woman after my own heart! lol at "Please turn round and face the other way"

I stand by my right to show my children how to stand up for themselves in the face of bossy/interfering people.

janajos.

That kind of thing would leave me mouthing furriously like a goldfish and then remonstrating with myself later for not saying anything. Well done!

Anenome, like I said way back down the thread, I agree YANBU with the situation described in your OP. The reasons I think YANBU is because it was only a small child having a whine not a major crime and because you were already there dealing with it then really no need for others to step in.

However I'm interested to find out as the thread goes on and when you say things like...
"And yes...adults SHOULD be afraid to talk to children who are "misbehaving""
do you think there are no circumstances when others are within their rights to step in and tell off your child? (really this question probably relates to older children who are a bit more independent from their parents)

See, when I was growing up,it was a "normal" thing for neighbours to tell you off for misbehaving in the street etc etc. If I went home to my parents and said "old Mrs Jones from number 30 told me off for kicking the heads off her geraniums" my parents would have said it served me right. I would not have a problem with the same happening with my DS, so long as the telling off was appropriate.

afraid

Do you reall want people to be afraid of you or DD for saying something that does not meet with your approval ?

I think that the shop assistant went about it in totally the wrong way and undermined you. There are better ways to try and 'help'!
A friend of mine has a son with special needs who sometimes has tantrums in public. Recently he was in a shop when she wouldn't let him have some sweets so he started to lose his temper, shouting, screaming and kicking about, when an old man started saying things loudly within her and the other customers' earshot about spoiled children, poor parenting and lack of discipline.
Instead of confronting the man she started to say (loudly) to her son 'that man over there is looking at you, he thinks that you are behaving in a very naughty way, he's telling all those other customers about your behaviour' etc. etc. He was soon shamed into being quiet when the attention was focused onto him! (evil grin)

Cumfy

Yes...I want strangers to be afraid to shve their opinions on my child who cannot fully speak yet.

Why, Anenome ?

janajos, may I write that down and use it if ever the occasion arises. It's always in M&S if anything happens to me, I had a row over me needing to do a three point turn to get out of a space once, anyway it was unpleasant.
They let anyone in these days I blame TV advertising and it being exclusively for everyone, sniff.

Can't you see that the shop assistant was trying to be helpful to you fgs

Ok, she may have got the tone of what she said a little wrong - for you anyway.

But your reaction is sooo out of proportion, you were really rude to someone who was just thought she was being helpful to a stressed out mum.

I feel sorry for the shop assistant. She must have felt awful to have someone snap at her like that, in public.

Because they're STRANGERS....I dont know them...don't are what THEY think with regard to my kids and I don't lie that my children are told on one hand to not talk to strangers but some people think they can approach and attempt to tell them off!

My sister was once approached by a man in a car..she was about 8...and this man SHOUTED AT HER....and told her she had been naughty and had to go with him.

Luckily she never did...but only because a near neibour came along and intervened.

This is a well known tactic of weirdos...kids are told and told to do what adults say....I want mine to undertand that not all adults have the right to tell them what to do.

Woodenwalrus...did you even read the whole thread? The woman STOPPED me from moving along...HOW is THAT helpful?? She got in the way of my buggy so I was forced to stop!

I hope she did feel awful...my 2 year old did not feel great at having her dumb face stuck in hers....admonishing her. Silly old cow she was...she got half of what she desereved imo.

"But your reaction is sooo out of proportion, you were really rude to someone who was just thought she was being helpful to a stressed out mum."

WTF ???

If she'd have caught me on a bad day i'd have run the bugger over with the pram, she was in no way trying to be helpful she was playing at being mummy because she no longer has any authority over anyone else in her life.

Lol Mamatomany

She was doing exactly what you said!

Anenome, I;m sorry to hear of sister's experience, and glad that nothing more serious occurred.

You are scared of what may happen, and are very concerned that your children are appropriately vigilant when talking to strangers.

I understand.

goodness, I love it. Shits them up more than I can achieve I would be grateful, if it was done in a 'nice' way.

God I hope I never meet any of you when I'm out shopping! Let alone inadvertantly say the wrong thing to you.

You're allowed to shop Wooden, you're not allowed to stick your nose in where it isn't wanted.
That situation would reduce many of the teenage mums i work with to tears and cause massive set backs in their therapy, would you really want some poor girl afraid to talk to her child or leave the house because of something you'd said trying to be helpful ?

I think sometimes,people do things with good intentions,perhaps this lady could see your toddler was pushing you,and sometimes a stern word from a stranger helps,she probably thought she was doing the right thing.

YANBU and overreacted. She was trying to help. This has happened to me before, I let it wash over me. Cannot believe you are talking about reporting her to management for telling your misbehaving child to behave . Good grief. If she had touched your child or shouted I could understand your anger but this is plain BU.

YABU I mean. Honestly...

for you. I don't mind friends teachers (obviously) and family telling my dss but a stranger??? And a 2 year old!!

I hope you complain to head office or at the very least management of said store?

There's a whole world of difference between an adult telling off your child when you are trying to deal with it yourself, and an adult telling off your child when your child is not with you. Or if they were just over there, or something, and you didn't realise they were doing something wrong.

A few months ago I was in a National Trust place shop and my daughter was kicking off. I knelt down so that I was at her level, looked her in the eyes, and tried get her to focus and listen. As I did so, a woman came past and said to her in a very angry sounding voice "BE QUIET".

I wouldn't mind, but my approach was WORKING. DD was still vexed, but was no longer shouting and was starting to listen to me. So I was CROSS.

If my daughter had been on her own on the other side of the building, if I hadn't known she was causing trouble or had done nothing about it... then, I feel that woman would have been within her rights to say something. As it was, she simply undermined and embarrassed me.

I am really surprised at a lot of the responses here. I think kids should learn from an early age to be respectful of all adults (and all people). You do get busybody (often older ladies) types who think they can intervene, and that a magic word from them will defuse the situation. it never does, but shouting your mouth off back is hardly a good example to set is it? If I don't like it, I just say something like "yes, mummy's already told him, thank you". Verbally attacking the adult sets a pretty lousy example IMO. And lots of posters saying "a two year-old " - my son is only just two and he knows for sure what is going on, and when he's being naughty - and I don't think that's particularly unusual.

Agree with Mochan