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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike strangers telling my children off

213 replies

Anenome · 22/09/2010 15:18

Right...before I get too many "It take a village to raise a child" comments Let me just say that I am all for people supporting parents in a tactful way if their DC's are having a meltdown. But today in M&S my 2 year old was having a little argument with me...not screaming...not kicking or yelling...she was just saying "I hold it! I hold it!" over and over again in a shrill voice...as they do!

As she was talking about a large box of cakes I was about to pay for, I kept pushing her and saying "No, but later you can eat one" and similar platitdes....anyway...an M&S assistant suddenly stepped right in front of our path....stopped e in my tracks..I actually thught I must have dropped something...she knelt in front of my DD and said in a stern voice..."Now! You must behave!" No smile....

I immediately wheeled around her and said "NO! If there is any telling off to do, then I do it...not you"

And carried on... as I was slightly fuming ...my DD is quite shy...and who on earth did this bloody woman think she was!?

As I left the woman beind, she started shrieking with laughter...(witch like laughter!) and LOUDLY...SO I turned and said "It's not funny either!"

I thinkt the laughter was due to a nervous reaction...but really...I am I being unresonable?

I TOTALLY like it when elderly ladies and the like, will come up and smile and distract a yelling or grumpy toddler...thats ok!

But you dont kneel in front of my child and stop me in my tracks to do it!

Also, another issue I have is my DC's learrning that not ALL aduts have the right to tell them what to do...

still Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Anenome · 23/09/2010 13:50

Owlicecream

I never "verbally attcked" her....I simply tld her the score and far more calmly than SHE soke to my DD.

Why should kids learnt to respect AlL adults? Some of them are idiots.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anenome · 23/09/2010 13:51

TOLD not tld and SPOKE not soke!..oh...and ALL not AlL! Blush at my weird spelling today!

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 23/09/2010 14:24

Anenome quite right!

BornToFolk · 23/09/2010 14:38

Firstly, she wasn't misbehaving and secondly, Anenome was right there! I'm in favour of telling other people's kids off when there's no parent around or if they endangering themselves, or someone else, or damaging property but that wasn't this situation.

This was just a whingy two year old. Anenome said "But today in M&S my 2 year old was having a little argument with me...not screaming...not kicking or yelling..." If someone unfairly told my two year old off, I'd have words with them too! I want him to know that I'll defend him if necessary.

musicmadness · 23/09/2010 15:20

I don't think anyone has disagreed that the shop assistant was out of order for what she did though. People are mostly disagreeing with the attitude that no stranger has the right to talk to/tell off someone else's child. Sorry but if that child is directly affecting the other adult then they have every right to tell them off. I'm not going to let ANY child directly affect me in a negative way, whether the parent thinks the behaviour is acceptable or not.
*For the record I am talking about things like repeatedly trying to hit me Hmm which one little nightmare decided to do in the queue for the shop. His parents thought it was cute, he was about 5 for heavens sake! For things like tantrums I wouldn't try to intervene.

BarmyArmy · 23/09/2010 15:27

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BornToFolk · 23/09/2010 15:32

musicmadness, in that situation I'd have asked the parents to stop him hitting me, I wouldn't have told the child off.

LadyBiscuit · 23/09/2010 15:35

Why not BorntoFolk? Are you frightened of talking to other people's children? I don't understand this reluctance to intervene. That's a short cut to a nation of ASBO kids if none of us feel able/willing to discipline someone else's child in the face of parental hopelessness.

BornToFolk · 23/09/2010 15:44

Just because the parents are there. Actually though, thinking about it, I might say something like "don't hit me, I don't like it" to the child and also ask the parents to stop him.

I do talk to other people's children and I have told them off. A bigger girl (looked about 5) tried to push my then 18 month old DS down a slide at soft play so I told her not to push and to wait her turn.

I don't have any problem with telling off children that aren't your own when the situation calls for it, I just don't think that the one Anenome describes was such a situation.

LadyBiscuit · 23/09/2010 15:47

I sort of agree with you there but I am mystified by the attitude the OP has that only the adults she has 'approved' have the right to tell her children off. Way to breed antisocial people IMO.

Original poster
Anenome · 23/09/2010 17:09

BarmyArmy...you sound unstable...as though coming on here is your only outlet for your pent up misery.

Im not even defending myself against your strange and personal attacks! Thanks for the biscuit...have a Grin you probaby don't see many of them.

OP posts:
brassband · 23/09/2010 17:20

Brassband....but I dont care what she wanted....its NOT HER CHILD....therefore she has no right to tell her anything does she? No

um it's her shop and her customers that your dd was annoying-of course it's her business

Original poster
Anenome · 23/09/2010 17:27

Lol! It's not HER shop! (that capitilization was for you Barmy) She is an employee of the shop...I am a customer...therefore what I want comes first..and I don't want her input.

Off to draft letter to M&S head office...will return to thread when I hear back...fully expect to recive grovelling apology! Grin

OP posts:
cupofcoffee · 23/09/2010 18:14

There are a lot of posters saying that the situation in the OP was not on but that if their child was behaving badly when they weren't around or if they were harming someone else they would be ok with their child being told off then. I agree with those people.

Seriously Anenome I want to know if you truly think it is never ok for someone else to tell off your child? (and I'm meaning someone who isn't Granny or other 'approved' person). I mean for example 10/12 yr old who is old enough to be a distance away from the parent starts helping themselves to the pick and mix, standing there in plain view eating them from the shelf without paying. I saw this the other day. I didn't say anything personally because not my kids and not my shop/place of work but I think shop worker is fully within their rights to sternly tell them to stop and move along. What do you think? (parents not around to pass the buck to in this situation)

owlicecream · 23/09/2010 18:32

I think the employee was being unreasonable - but your behaviour was worse. Try behaving with a bit of grace perhaps?
I hope head office gives you the short shrift you deserve!

LadyBiscuit · 23/09/2010 18:35

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ohforfoxsake · 23/09/2010 18:43

But she wasn't being naughty. A bit annoying perhaps, but 2 year olds often are.

I think there are situations which call for people to step in, but this is not one of them.

I'd have that letter of complaint in the post by now.

ohforfoxsake · 23/09/2010 18:44

Bloody Hell Ladybiscuit, that's all a bit unnecessary.

bruffin · 23/09/2010 18:50

Think ladybiscuit is spot on. The child was making enough of a scene to attract attention to herself, someone told her off. What harm was done, except maybe the dd may think twice before whinging. OP seriously does need to get over herself.
Hopefully m&S will see through the stupidity of the complaint and ignore it.

Original poster
Anenome · 23/09/2010 18:51

LadyBiscuit....listen to yourself! You sound very odd to get that personal...it's not directed at you love!

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 23/09/2010 18:51

'Piscesmooon...kids whine! You can't say "I wouldn't have them whining"

What would you do!? Gag them? They whinge they whine and if people don't like it then tough! I wont shout at a 2 year old who has sat good as gold for ages whilst I shop...I wont...and my kids are polite and well adjusted...a normal little whinge does not warrant interference from a assistant in a shop...it's rude.
'

If they are having a full blown tantrum I can't stop it-I just have to wait for it to be over, but she wasn't doing that. You were holding the cakes so you just needed to say, with great authority, 'I'm sorry-you are not having them yet' and then don't have another word about it-ignore totally.If you don't get drawn into long, pointless arguments then they know there is no point in whining!

I don't think that even 2 yr olds should get the message-'I can misbehave because Mummy is the only one who can tell me off'-the mother might not like it- but she has no control over others and they can say something if they wish-how the mother reacts is up to her but she can't gag the stranger!

It is all very trivial-help your DC deal with it rather than getting upset.People will tell her off and she won't always be to blame-that is life.

Scaredycat3000 · 23/09/2010 18:53

Barmyarmy
Maybe you should have read the thread yet another time before you make a personal attack on the OP. You clearly missed this;
"My sister was once approached by a man in a car..she was about 8...and this man SHOUTED AT HER....and told her she had been naughty and had to go with him."
I think I would be "quite defensive and somewhat insecure" about "having a stranger intervene" if this had happened to anyone I knew.
But I guess you tick many "idiots, losers, snobs, smug people" yourself?

LadyBiscuit · 23/09/2010 18:53

offs - I've never said that in 3 years of being on MN. But I think writing a letter to HO and possibly getting something put on their HR record/getting them sacked for being a bit misguided is appalling.

So I stand by that comment. The OP said her piece. Why the fuck does she need to complain to head office? Really? It's pure vindictiveness.

Original poster
Anenome · 23/09/2010 18:54

Cupofcoffee

I am simply not going to accept that a stranger has any right whatsoever to shout at my children! That's my right...and I stick to it. I never leave them alone to do damage and they would never steal nor would they hurt someone else...so no...nobody can tell them off. Thank you.

OP posts:
smellmycheese · 23/09/2010 19:29

Anenome, I agree with you completely that in that instance, your dd wasn't being naughty. My dd is nearly 2 and has noisy and whingy moments multiple times a day. I deal with it how I see fit and don't expect anyone else to get involved if i am there...

BUT, some of the other things you have said since, along the lines of 'people should be afraid to ever tell off anyone elses children, are ludicrous!

Sorry, but all children can be naughty. it's their nature, and if I was at a soft play or whatever, and a child was pushing mine, or throwing things, and their parent was saying nothing, I would say 'don't do that' quite sternly if needed.

If children being naughty doesn't affect me or my dc, i would probly just feel sorry for their Mum and thank god it wasn't mine for once!

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