To dislike strangers telling my children off

[Anenome]

Right...before I get too many "It take a village to raise a child" comments Let me just say that I am all for people supporting parents in a tactful way if their DC's are having a meltdown. But today in M&S my 2 year old was having a little argument with me...not screaming...not kicking or yelling...she was just saying "I hold it! I hold it!" over and over again in a shrill voice...as they do!

As she was talking about a large box of cakes I was about to pay for, I kept pushing her and saying "No, but later you can eat one" and similar platitdes....anyway...an M&S assistant suddenly stepped right in front of our path....stopped e in my tracks..I actually thught I must have dropped something...she knelt in front of my DD and said in a stern voice..."Now! You must behave!" No smile....

I immediately wheeled around her and said "NO! If there is any telling off to do, then I do it...not you"

And carried on... as I was slightly fuming ...my DD is quite shy...and who on earth did this bloody woman think she was!?

As I left the woman beind, she started shrieking with laughter...(witch like laughter!) and LOUDLY...SO I turned and said "It's not funny either!"

I thinkt the laughter was due to a nervous reaction...but really...I am I being unresonable?

I TOTALLY like it when elderly ladies and the like, will come up and smile and distract a yelling or grumpy toddler...thats ok!

But you dont kneel in front of my child and stop me in my tracks to do it!

Also, another issue I have is my DC's learrning that not ALL aduts have the right to tell them what to do...

still

I would never tell someone elses child off...if a child pushes mine then I tell my child to deal with it...if it's warranted then I inform the parents what's going on...usually the parents are happy to intervene...I would never say "dont do that" if the child's parent were nearby...which in a play situation they are.

You tell your child to deal with it? Jesus wept.

YANBU, I'd have complained to the store manager!

I don't mind friends (with children) or close family stepping in if I'm not right there, but even that is a bit of difficult area when they say things that I think overstep the mark.

Well yes I'm sure we all hope our dc would never cause damage, hurt anyone or steal. I certainly hope mine would not and teach them that this behaviour is not acceptable myself. However children are not puppets under our complete control are they and sometimes they do (for whatever reason, in with 'wrong group', for a dare, etc) do something that they shouldn't. Even though I think the vast majority of child discipline should rest with the parent, I for one would not expect others to just put up with serious bad behaviour just because I was not there to deal with it.

Incidently even though my dc are aware it is not ok to help themselves to the sweets at a shop without paying, the other day when they saw the other older kids doing it they assumed it was some kind of free for all and stuck their hands in as well.

'I am simply not going to accept that a stranger has any right whatsoever to shout at my children! That's my right...and I stick to it. I never leave them alone to do damage and they would never steal nor would they hurt someone else...so no...nobody can tell them off. Thank you.

You can think what you like, but I can and will tell off someone else's child if their bad behaviour is affecting me and it is my right to do so. You can complain and shout at me but you can't stop me! The country would be a better place if people were not worried about it. Unfortunately badly bahaved teenagers know that most people are too frightened to intervene these days. (I wouldn't shout-just tell them firmly and politely) . A parent can only control themselves and not others.

Ladybiscuit, you say "But I think writing a letter to HO and possibly getting something put on their HR record/getting them sacked for being a bit misguided is appalling."

I really doubt that's what would happen. Companies do not sack or discipline people on the basis of single customer complaints, unless there is is gross misconduct or a number of previous incidents. I don't think the assistant should be disciplined over it, but I do think that her manager should have a word with her about appropriate boundaries with customers.

Children in M&S pulling over products, parents nowhere to be seen - totally OK for shop assistant to say "Please stop doing that"
2 year old with parent right there - no, it's not OK for shop assistant to admonish child at all

If the child was causing that much of a scene that an intervention is necessary, then you approach the parent that is there and say "Would you mind taking your child outside?" or whatever is appropriate for the situation, not attempt to discipline the child.

I don't think there's anything wrong with strangers telling children not to behave a certain way if their parents aren't around and I do it myself, but limited to "Please can you ..." or "Please stop ..."

It will go on her HR record LoveinSuburbia. And I really think that it's spiteful to do that.

The attitude of the OP (and a lot of the posters on this thread) makes me despair to be honest. Only I am allowed to chastise my child, no one else is allowed to intervene, I know what's right etc

FFS - if you have one child who is two, you are not a parenting expert. I'm not saying this woman was right (far from it) but the signs for a really crap insular society where everyone thinks they're right because they watched two episodes of SuperNanny are all here.

Is that really what we want? I bloody don't.

Me neither LadyBiscuit! We are supposed to smile indulgently and people's DCs whatever- and never interact. I remember a thread where someone thought their toddler had the absolute right to wander around a tearoom -because she couldn't sit still-but there would have been hell to pay if another customer had talked to them or offered them a biscuit etc!

sorry 'at' not and.

Ladybiscuit...I have 2 DC's and experience in childcare....I have at no point on this thread sai thaat I haave one child have I? That makes me see how closely you read things...anyway...I have better things to do than trade insults.

Piscesmoon...you can think it's yor "right" to tell other people's kids off if you want...you say you "will" too...I would like to see you try to tell mine off....then you'd see what your "rights" are.

As I said before..I'm off now...better stuff to do.

"You can think what you like, but I can and will tell off someone else's child if their bad behaviour is affecting me and it is my right to do"

You are brave, where my mum lives you'd get a punch on the nose for that.
Why would you not just walk away ? If somebody else's child is playing up or not being nice we just move away from that kid, the parent either gets the message their child isn't being nice because nobody wants to play with them, or more often than not simply doesn't care but that's their problem. I am certainly not going to start disciplining every brat I come across, they just aren't my problem.

Yet again Mumsnet, presumably a place for support from other parents and adults, descends into a free for all for everyone to abuse each other.

Shockingly, the majority of the posters talking about how society is going to the dogs cause of the attitude of the OP are the ones using abuse and derogatory remarks!! You need to take a look closer to home before you start questioning the OP's behaviour! Reminds me of the elderly people always criticising the "youth of today" whilst barging past you without so much of an excuse me.

Yes, AIBU asks for an opinion, I just don't understand why people can't accept we will never all agree. I use Mumsnet as a support for issues I'm struggling with or need advice on but threads like this really make me question the sort of abuse throwing people I am "talking" with sometimes.

You just tell your child to 'deal with it'? FFS!

Sorry, next time my not yet two year old is happily playing, and another child, who's parent is nowhere near, shoves her, throws something at her head etc, I'll remember to tell her to 'just deal with it'

Are you seriously saying that in a situation such as this, I would have no right at all to tell said child to stop it????

I think this thread has turned quite nasty actually.

we are going from the OP who was handling the situation with her little two year old, who was in a buggy, and was upset at the worker in Marks who intervened in such an unskillful way, to calling each other names and casting slurs about parenting skills.

I can't see how your analogy works Picesmoon, in no way was the OP's two year old left alone to wander all over the shop - like that child in the tea room, and I really don't think a two year old is lining up for an ASBO Ladybiscuit.

I think we all need to take a breather from this thread, I certainly am.

I agree that it had nothing to do with it! It is just the thought that we , as the general public, are supposed to put up with bad behaviour because the mother thinks that she has absolute control over other people.She,and her DC, will come across the public at large-some are nice some are not nice-some are reasonable-some are not reasonable-but we are all part of society and she has to find a way of dealing with it which sets a good example to her DC. If someone is rude and unreasonable it is hardly a good example to descend to the same level! I'm afraid that you wouldn't get far with me and my 'rights' Anenome-I should just ignore and refuse to engage-politely.
If you post on AIBU then you have to expect to have people disagree with you. I think you were perfectly reasonable to be annoyed with the assistant but I think your reaction is way OTT. The whole thread has turned nasty over a trivial incident that your DC will already have forgotten!

I really don't get this idea that only the parent can tick of a child. I'm a bit older, when I was little this was the norm.

How does this play out in children's heads? At some level, they're going to recognise this, and grow up believing no non-parent adult is entitled to criticise them. That's not going to make for a comfortable adulthood for them.

"they would never steal nor would they hurt someone else...so no...nobody can tell them off. Thank you."

I remember when I was a child another child on my street was often very naughty, when other adults told his mother she simply would not believe them, you sound a bit like her with that statement.

I think the shop assistant was trying to be helpful. Good for her. If you didn't like it, just smile and move on, OP. Many older people like to offer their tuppence worth on all sorts of things. Why get so defensive about it? It's irritating at times, but hardly the end of the world, or something to get all uptight about.
Be glad that that's the most annoying thing that happened to you all day, it's hardly traumatic!! I think a bit of perspective is required here.
As for any suggestion of complaining- mean and petty minded. Disgusting to even consider it in this instance.

Let me get it straight.
OP takes child into public area.
Child misbehaves.
OP is chooses to ignore bad behaviour.
Member of shops staff does OPs job for her.
OP harangues woman for doing her job.
OP goes on MN and brags about her lack of parenting skills and bullying shops staff.
Sometimes I despair.

Let me get it straight.
OP takes child into public area.
Child misbehaves.
OP is chooses to ignore bad behaviour.
Member of shops staff does OPs job for her.
OP harangues woman for doing her job.
OP goes on MN and brags about her lack of parenting skills and bullying shops staff.
Sometimes I despair.

And sometimes I repeat myself

I would be absolutely mortified and embarrassed if another adult felt the need to tell my children off. I would apologise profusely to them, not be annoyed with them.

Everywhere I go I feel surrounded by children who do not know how to behave and parents who constantly defend their poor behaviour. One friend's son was allowed to virtually ruin another friends child's christening by having a tantrum in the church and then pulling a flower arrangement over. The parent clearly couldn't or wouldn't keep her child under control. I bet the parent who's child was being christened wished someone else had told that child off!

I think there is a wider issue here, it's not about being unkind fgs.

And this is AIBU - it's what people expect surely? Anenome has been here long enough to know that.

I have no idea how many children you have, I haven't been following you that closely but expecting a two year old to deal with another child being unkind to her does seem a tad naive.

Bluenordic, but the child wasn't misbehaving. Child was in her pushchair and whining to parent. Not screaming. Not running around breaking things.

If a child is misbehaving and the parent is there then you take it up with the parent.

I have overheard a thousand conversations and witnessed plenty of adult behaviour where I could've butted in to a situation that was none of my business and into a private conversation, but that's not an acceptable way to behave either or should we all go ticking everybody off?

LadyBiscuit, actually I very much doubt it would go on her HR record either. There are pretty tight rules about what can and can't go on that. You can only keep actual disciplinary warnings on there for limited time periods.

loveinsuburbia - remember the OP is not going to be entirely honest about her DDs behaviour, she was making enough of a scene to bring attention to herself and to be annoying to others. The lady was obviously only trying to help and OP should have been grateful rather than rude.