To dislike strangers telling my children off

[Anenome]

Right...before I get too many "It take a village to raise a child" comments Let me just say that I am all for people supporting parents in a tactful way if their DC's are having a meltdown. But today in M&S my 2 year old was having a little argument with me...not screaming...not kicking or yelling...she was just saying "I hold it! I hold it!" over and over again in a shrill voice...as they do!

As she was talking about a large box of cakes I was about to pay for, I kept pushing her and saying "No, but later you can eat one" and similar platitdes....anyway...an M&S assistant suddenly stepped right in front of our path....stopped e in my tracks..I actually thught I must have dropped something...she knelt in front of my DD and said in a stern voice..."Now! You must behave!" No smile....

I immediately wheeled around her and said "NO! If there is any telling off to do, then I do it...not you"

And carried on... as I was slightly fuming ...my DD is quite shy...and who on earth did this bloody woman think she was!?

As I left the woman beind, she started shrieking with laughter...(witch like laughter!) and LOUDLY...SO I turned and said "It's not funny either!"

I thinkt the laughter was due to a nervous reaction...but really...I am I being unresonable?

I TOTALLY like it when elderly ladies and the like, will come up and smile and distract a yelling or grumpy toddler...thats ok!

But you dont kneel in front of my child and stop me in my tracks to do it!

Also, another issue I have is my DC's learrning that not ALL aduts have the right to tell them what to do...

still

YABU

Grow up and control the kid

Ach whatever...I know what happened I was there...a deent Mother choses her arguments and her discipline...and a bit of a whine in M&S did not warrant "Control" Anxiouslnd...it needed nothing more than platitude...God help you and yours if a bit of a cakey isn't on offer when you're pisssed off and stuck in a buggy for two hours whilst Mummy shops...off to let the kids scream round Tescos now!

Are people actually saying that a 2 year old who is saying 'I hold it' repeatedly is being 'naughty' and needs to be 'told off' by 'the village'

Get a hold of yourselves.

Thanks Arses!

Love writing your username by the way!

I am saying that being gentle and patient with your child and then sternly telling off an adult in front of her is sending completely the wrong messages to a child.

NO it;s not....ALLOWING a strange scary woman to talk to her in a loud bossy voice...and tell her what to do....is sending the wrong messages....she's a girl in a hard society...she may in the future meet other people who tell her what to do whilst having no right to and/or bad intentions. I have no intention of that happening....my older DD is very well behaved at school with teachers...in other words with adults she knows I allow to teach her things.

I don't allow random M&S assistants to "guide" my child...she could be anyone and indeed she looked like a nutter.

I do not think it is okay for random strangers to tell other peoples children off.

You were dealing with your child as you saw fit and it was absolutely not her business. She undermined you.

The only time a stranger/another adult has a right to interfere is if a child is in danger of getting hurt and the parent isn't doing anything or if the childs actions have affected the stranger/adult directly.Even then, I really feel that comments should be directed to the parent directly, rather than the child.

Yes Karmabeliever...exactly...had I been wandering about whilst she headed for the door...well fair enough! And RIGHT>...they should ALWAYS address the parent...not the child!

What arses said!

I really don't get this "it takes a village" philosophy.

We all know from MN that there are as many different schools of thought about child discipline as there are shades of colour in the spectrum. So isn't it going to be rather confusing for the child when everyone starts chipping in with their different opinions? What mum thinks is OK, someone else thinks is naughty. Surely most people would agree that consistency is paramount?

And when it comes to disciplining my children, I'm afraid it's MY opinion that counts, nobody elses (unless they are directly affecting you in some deleterious way). And asking to hold a cake, whether in a shrill voice or not, is not naughty, FGS.

i am with mumbar

I'm with mumbar too. Adults shouldn't be afraid to talk to a misbehaving DC-often it is good for them to know that people in general do not like certain behaviour.

In the case of OP I don't think she should have said anything, but perhaps she was just having a bad day and was irritated-I expect she wanted you to say 'no' with authority and remove them.
I think it is just one of those things that you let go-explain to DD that there are some funny people about and leave it at that.

Although I think it essential for the parent to be consistent, it doesn't do DCs any harm to know that different people have different views.
I most definitely think 'it takes a village....' - a DC is part of wider society.

So the witch has taken her 1st step on the retail career ladder.

Better check there's no eye of newt in the cake.[cackling witch emoticon]

Piscesmoon

Who cares what the assistant "wanted"?? Not me! And yes...adults SHOULD be afraid to talk to children who are "misbehaving" although mine was not...she was being moany...they should be afraid to talk to them because they are NOT the Parent!

I dont want my TODDLER to know other people's opinion's yet apart from those people I choose...MY CHILD...MY RULES...I say no.

I don't mind people telling off my dc if they are being naughty and I am not there at the time. I also don't mind nice distractiony stuff. i do however hate people undermining me or making me look like I am not controlling my children. It's bloody hard enough without busy bodies judging - help me, yes. Judge me - no, bugger off!

In this case yanbu. good on you for saying what you did (the comment to the laughing person was just possibly a bit much and could have been ignored - but hey...)

So you don't care whether your child is a complete pain in the arse in everyone else's eyes?

And have you considered that the woman may have had learning difficulties? I know some of the shop assistants in my M&S do.

I wasn't saying that you should have cared but just that possibly she was having a bad day and irritation got the better of her-in that case she should have ignored it because it wasn't hurting anyone.
However I don't think that an adult should be afraid to talk to a misbehaving child and I will continue to do so if it effects me. For example if a toddler is jumping on my flower bed I will ask them politely to stop and if they persit I will repeat it more sharply-they are simply not going to do it-however indulgent the mother!
I really can't stand DCs who say 'You can't tell me off -you are not my mum'. I think -try me! It is MY CHILD-MY RULES-in your own home but you don't have that control outside it and other rules come in to play. It does DCs good to know other opinions. e.g Mummy might not mind me jumping on flower beds but Pisces isn't having it! It is a big mistake to let a DC think that only the parent can talk to them about behaviour when it simply isn't true. (If I don't talk to them I simply give them 'the look' and they generally know!)

It wasn't everynone elses eyes ladybiscuit.....the woman did NOT have learning difficulties...none that stopped her understanding the rights and wrongs of interacting with customers anyway...and there's a point ...if se DID (whih she did not) and they were the kind which made her accost busy parent in order to shout at their kids...then should M&S be employing her anyway?

I wish someone, anyone, would tell off the little girl who is screaming at the top of her shrill voice every time I go shopping, there is always one! The mother seems oblivious to it. It goes right through everyones head and it enough to send you insane. It's actually painful.

If she were mine.....

I'm not talking about your OP, I was referring to your last post where you said you don't care what other people think of your child and you don't want anyone else telling her off.

How on earth are you going to cope when she goes to school/nursery?

And how do you know she didn't have SN?

Quite, melika

Never had this but I've occasionally had check out staff say something to DD along the lines of 'ooh what's all that noise about then' when she's creating because she wants something and I'm trying to pack. I don't mind that, it's guaranteed to shut her up anyway if someone else talks to her. I have been told off by an old biddy when DD was a baby and chattering loudly once and that pissed me off majorly.

I suspect I would have given the woman one of my looks and flounced off.

Hmm, a bit of YABU and YANBU... I don't think the M&S assistant should have told your DD off, but your reaction to the assistant and, moreso, the customer behind was rather OTT. If you had a problem with what the assistant had said, you could have had a quiet word with a manager - who could have dealt with it more appropriately.

Bunnyjo...what customer behind??? Never said anything about one!

Complain and say that your toddler is displyaing symptoms of pst-traumatic stress. Should secure you some M&S vouchers to spend on wine clothes and stuff for LO :)

cupcakesandbunting

Good idea! lol...maybe I wouldn't be so bitter about it...but I HAD just spent about a hundred quid on clothes and food!