To dislike strangers telling my children off

[Anenome]

Right...before I get too many "It take a village to raise a child" comments Let me just say that I am all for people supporting parents in a tactful way if their DC's are having a meltdown. But today in M&S my 2 year old was having a little argument with me...not screaming...not kicking or yelling...she was just saying "I hold it! I hold it!" over and over again in a shrill voice...as they do!

As she was talking about a large box of cakes I was about to pay for, I kept pushing her and saying "No, but later you can eat one" and similar platitdes....anyway...an M&S assistant suddenly stepped right in front of our path....stopped e in my tracks..I actually thught I must have dropped something...she knelt in front of my DD and said in a stern voice..."Now! You must behave!" No smile....

I immediately wheeled around her and said "NO! If there is any telling off to do, then I do it...not you"

And carried on... as I was slightly fuming ...my DD is quite shy...and who on earth did this bloody woman think she was!?

As I left the woman beind, she started shrieking with laughter...(witch like laughter!) and LOUDLY...SO I turned and said "It's not funny either!"

I thinkt the laughter was due to a nervous reaction...but really...I am I being unresonable?

I TOTALLY like it when elderly ladies and the like, will come up and smile and distract a yelling or grumpy toddler...thats ok!

But you dont kneel in front of my child and stop me in my tracks to do it!

Also, another issue I have is my DC's learrning that not ALL aduts have the right to tell them what to do...

still

my 2 year old was having a little argument with me...not screaming...not kicking or yelling...she was just saying "I hold it! I hold it!" over and over again in a shrill voice...as they do!

She was there and you weren't, we have to assume the OP is being entirely honest otherwise what's the bloody point of the whole forum, do we question whether people are actually being entirely honest about being pregnant, actually having children too

I meant she was underplaying how badly behaved she was ie how much noise she was making etc. She was making enough noise for other people to notice, so I suspect it was more of a tantrum. Someone stepped in and tried to help that was all, the OP got her nickers in a twist about it and instead of forgetting about it and getting on with her life she wants to write to head office

And yes I have come across people who lie on forums. People who have lied about their children being vaccine damaged, people who have lied about their medical issues, there was even someone on here who lied about being pregnant with twins and both of them dying soon after birth.

As I said you weren't there so we have to assume she is reporting the facts accurately.

Would love to hear the M&S ladies version of events, suspect they are very different.

Gah....I said I wouldn't come back here...but I had to responnd to LadyBiscuit accusations of epecting my 2 ear old to deal with other naughty kids herself as heartless.

My 2 year old does deal with other toddlers who hit or push....because I am always near by ...enough to tell her what to do...as in "Just play with something/someone else," Or "Come on and we'll tell that boys Mummy that he hit you."

This teaches her to stand up for herself and also not to lash out....all of the Mummy's we have encountered have been lovely about it...though hitting is very rare in our playgroup.

I'm not going to berate another 2 year old because he has snatched the blinking teapot my DD was playing with at playgroup!

Can just see it now

Anenome gets down to child's level and points finger.

"Now you ae being naughty! Give baby Anenome her teapot back!"

I would, without a doubt get punched on the nose by the kids Mother.

No Bluenordic you haven't got it straight

in either of your posts

Op's child is a two year toddler who was whining a bit about something she was holding and didn't want to give to the OP. A tow year old, you know two, a toddler, almost pre-verbal, and certainly not potty trained.

MnS lady pipes up and says in OP's DD's face ".she knelt in front of my DD and said in a stern voice..."Now! You must behave!" No smile...."

and that is why OP is NOT being unreasonable to say that MnS lady was way out of order.

If the child was older and running around breaking things, for sure then I think the Village may intervene IF the parents aren't around to do their job, otherwise the OP had it in hand and the MnS lady was pure overkill IMVHO.

Bruffin

I don't appreciate having my honesty questioned by a complete stranger...do you really think that if my DD had be screaming, hitting or otherwise making a nuisance of herself that I would be on here moaning about an assistant who tried to diffuse the situation?

I am not a freak! I would no doubt have been pleased that someone tried to distract her..however..we were moving along...not near anyone else, and DD was moaning boringly...not as loud as others were talking either..that is whn the assistant decidedto leap in our path and stop our progress.

So the assistent was meddling....and not only that but she actually slowed u down and upset my DD when before all my DD had felt wa slight bordeom/irritation.

I find it strange that you are not allowed to speak politely and quietly to someone else's DC, if they are out of order but that it is then OK for the parents to have a full scale slanging match in front of the DC!
Whereas I am prepared to have a word with a DC who is not my own (without raising my voice and with the word 'please') I am not in the least prepared to enter into an argument with the parent. I would merely say, quietly, 'I'm sorry you feel like that' and walk away. It takes 2 to argue and it isn't appropriate in front of the very DC you were protecting in the first place!!

Anenome - I wouldn't even bother to waste the time defending yourself with this lot virtually baying for your blood.

You've got people who think a whinging toddler is "naughty" and out of control! People who are now even questioning the truthfulness of your post! People who are questioning your parenting skills and people who have resorted to calling you vile names!

Do you really need the opinions of these people? Fine, they disagree, that's all good. But the rest of it, not for me, I deal with people with respect and some posts on here are disgusting in my opinion.

It is posted on AIBU-it isn't a support thread-it asks an opinion!

She did ask for our opinions-a bit late to say 'did she really want them?' Obviously she didn't!

MummyDayAndNightCare

I know..I think I will hide this thread now...somehow I have doubts that some of these people are even parents!

I must admit that MM is a strange place...on the one hand it is full of intelligent and helpful women but also some folk who are just plain bonkers!

I don't think when asking for everyone's opinions she was asking to be called a bitch and a liar.

Eh? I didn't say you were heartless, I said I thought that was a bit naive. And it seems a bit of a faff to just not sort it out and drag the other child's parent across to get involved as well. I fully expect people to tell my DS off if he's misbehaving and would be agog if someone came over to me to tell me about it, rather than just sorting it out.

Different ways of parenting I guess!

Well said MummyDayAndNightCare!

And on that note...goodbye thread.

I would merely say, quietly, 'I'm sorry you feel like that' and walk away.

And how would you walk away with the woman blocking your way by crouching down in front of your pushchair, just out of interest ?
I bought a Stokke, the only person in my child's eye line is me and you'd have to push me out of the way to get to him.
Another reason to buy a rear facing pram ladies !

I think you need to be polite but I feel very strongly that 'it takes a village' and I will speak to other people's DCs if I want to-I am not going to change that opinion.
I don't think it is rude-you may not like it but we are all different.
We will have to agree to differ. The mother can only control herself in her own own home-once she gets out of it people can and will do as they please.
OP can't stop it and I certainly wouldn't engage in an argument in any way with her-and certainly not in front of a DC!

Sorry-I meant that after having told the child off I would walk away from the mother, if she was wanting to start an argument about it and stick to 'I'm sorry you are upset'-I most definititely wouldn't get drawn into an argument.

I think you need to be polite
Exactly which the M&S assistant was not at all, I would have maybe played peek a boo with a howling toddler in a que, I've given a child a smile before now whilst waiting at the check out to distract it out of the tantrum, nobody would object to that, but sternly telling another persons child off uninvited is just plain wrong.

.

Cannot believe OP being called a bitch, having her story made out to be lies and other parents thinking that a whining 2 year old is being naughty. FFS.

So, let met get this straight.

Two year-old is in shop in pushchair where there are lots of interesting, over stimulating and exciting things at her eye and hand level... which she is not allowed to touch. Heck, I'm 31 years older than her dd and I still get a bit overstimulated in M&S !

Her age-appropriate response is to get upset that she is not allowed to hold this cake. (I get upset at withdrawal of cake too, but I've learned to hide my cries, O but it has taken many, many long and painful years...)

Mum tries to ignore this whining (and I was not aware that M&S was a child-free zone of pure silence and stillness) as that's the approach she's decided to take and she knows this fits her dd best.

Shop assistant decides that actually, M&S is a child-free zone of pure silence and stillness afasc, and She Must Intervene To Ensure This Child Does Not End Up With An ASBO In Ten Years' Time And Contribute To The Downfall Of Society.

Now, yeah, screaming/whining kids can be annoying. Ohh yes. But I've found that the best approach to take if you are confronted with someone else's annoyingly screaming/whining/crying child is to try and distract said child with a quick game of peekaboo or a pretend shocked face - like this coupled with a - or, well, anything, other than making the bloody "problem" (I don't actually think a two y/o whining in a shop is a "problem" - an annoyance, but a very common occurance) much worse. Because a child that has a stranger get right into their face and sternly remonstrate with them is likely to cry much more!

Frankly, if we're meant to be modelling the behaviour we want to see in children, all that child has learned is that it's perfectly okay to be rude to someone smaller than you if they're annoying you; that bullying is acceptable if someone "deserves" it. But she's also learned that her Mum will defend her. I hope the second lesson cancels out the first!

I will also hide it. I have every sympathy with OP being upset, but it was so trivial it is just something to brush off and help your DC brush off. Worse things will happen-save your anger for those!

And as for the "it takes a village" thing. Well, yes... and no. I always take that saying to mean that it takes a lot more support to raise a child, than just one Mum trying to do it all on her own and burning herself out.

Another thing - a lot of people have been all "oh but the shop assistant might have had special needs" - how did the shop assistant know that the child didn't have special needs?

AIBU never ceases to amaze what starts as a benign thread guaranteed to descend into madness

we really ought to have a punch up smiley

The whole point is there was really nothing to get upset about in the first place, was the child even bothered, I suspect no. I didn't call OP a liar, just pointed out that there are two sides to every story.
Interestingly this thread is all about how OP feels and no mention that her DD was upset at all, says a lot really.