Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

Sounds awful @AcrossthePond55. My silver lining was that the house was mine - sure it’s a lot harder to leave /kick out if both own the house /on mortgage

ah yes. Your brother. Well done him!! You must be so proud that he conquered it and so pissed off that dh didn’t

my friends now dh is 4.5yrs sober and why dh should have been. They met the same week joining. He has turned his life around an I’m so proud of him. My friend said she doesn’t think about him relapsing now but knows it’s always a possibility

jeez @pointythings. Dental records due to 3 days of heat 🙀🙀🙀

It's funny/not funny but I have always hated that house. I was bullied into it and actually felt relief at not living there (old farmhouse, needs massive work) after I left. But I never thought for a second that it would be in the state it's in now. So the 'terrible' part for me is what it's going to cost to clean it up and seeing the value of the house drop as he continues to let things go. But that's a tomorrow problem for when the separation is finalized and a sale is forced.

I have no idea what his future is, that's got to be another tomorrow problem. I spoke to the nurse and he has cellulitis caused by Staphylococcus, but I don't know if it's MSSA or MRSA. It supposedly responds well to strong antibiotics.

Yep. Late July 2018, 32C where we/he lived.

A few of you mentioned me in recent posts. Thank you.
I am still here and struggling. DS goes into detox on Thursday. I am feeling really disillusioned to be honest. We were told it would be at least 2 weeks and have had it now confirmed at 13 days. Arrival day he will already be drunk so actually 12 days.
We have been hoping, waiting and pinning everything on this and I just feel edge of the cliff fear to be honest. He will return home and my seasonal business will launch again 4 days later. I am not really an optimist at the best of times but everything is hard to contemplate.
I am looking forward to the relief of him being elsewhere and not our responsibility. I have an appointment to have some hypnotherapy and I really hope that helps me cope better.
Love and light to all of you here. X

@Hellodarknes55so sorry you are feeling so low. My husband was also very drunk when he went in for the detox. Initially they said he had to have a negative breathalyser but that would never have happened so they just started him on the medical detox immediately. By the time we left him he was so dosed up with Librium that it was easy to take his phone , I know that was a concern of yours. After two weeks he was off the Librium so hopefully that will be the same for your son. I really hope this helps all of you. It’s something at least rather than just going on and on. I was very very tearful the whole time he was gone but at the same time I was so relieved to be away from him. Good luck I’m thinking of you xxxx

Hope all goes well Thur @Hellodarknes55

Just checking in. Have just had my head chewed off again. Had the sense to record it this time and will be from now on. All in front of DD. I’m applying for a divorce tonight. Have taken a few days to regroup from last week. Feeling shit, frankly. Love to everyone else here.

Special hugs to you, @Hellodarknes55 xx

Sometimes it’s the only option

how old is dc ?

divorce is not easy or cheap but def worth it

@LavenderFieldds head down, wade through the shit. You'll come out on the other side stronger, wiser and happier.

DD is 4.

Bless her. My dd was 6 when I said no more

but if you read my previous posts I did kick out previously in 2022 so she was 4 but took back and carried on for another 2years.

Stupid me - so dd would have been similar age to yours first time round - I wanted dh to beat it. To stop drinking. Lying etx

I also didn’t want to be a single parent really and get divorced. Who does lol

so why I gave him yet another chance

hindsight I wish I didn’t but if I didn’t would have always wondered did I do the right thing for dd and try my best to support etc

I know I certainly did and now 2yrs on from def splitting up , nothing has changed his end

we are all here for you. I wish I had found this group before I left dh

Your feelings of hope were natural. Trying to see 'the big picture' or foresee the future is too much. So are the feelings/fear of disillusionment. It's a roller coaster ride from the time you find out they're going until the day they come home.

Just do your best to live, not day by day, but minute by minute. Take time to really focus on simple pleasures like butterflies, flowers blooming, a beautiful sunset, that cup of tea that has turned out 'just perfect'. Simple everyday things that have nothing to do with DS and his addiction.

It's another step in your journey, filing for divorce. Have you had legal advice yet? Probably a good thing to do soon if not.

"Feeling shit"

And that's normal. You'll get over that feeling in time. We all either will or have gotten past that at some point.

You will feel shit .

quite normal

Passes tissues x

Thanks everyone. X

@LavenderFieldds yes, it's shit right now but life will be so much better both for you and your child once you're free of this abusive relationship. It's all very well for people to say it's 'just the drink talking', but it doesn't make swearing and aggression any easier to bear.

Thank you. Sniffles into tissues…

Hello again.
With support from my counsellor, during my partner’s last bender (11days) I stuck completely to my boundaries.
I wouldn’t answer the phone, banned him from coming to pre arranged activities, would not visit him or have him at my house, and required him to be 48hrs sober before any of that changed. Eventually he did stop and I went and picked him up and he’s supposed to be staying in my guest room now for a while- and he never drinks in front of me or at my place so that’s a good thing.
I’ve not slept or eaten properly for 2 weeks though and as usual cannot express my complete fury/anxiety/suffering without him saying how awful it is for him too.
Now, he’s seriously considering buying and running a very small (4 rooms) hotel, because he says he needs something to do…. after stopping flying 9 years ago there’s been nothing to fill the void. We have a teetotal friend who is up for managing it (that’s his job) and I have some hotel experience (also teetotal) and we’d both be saying that we would support the project but if he carries on drinking we reserve the right to quit the project or buy him out. It would take all of his cash and it’s a massive risk which he is well aware of…. but it may just be the thing he needs to stop drinking and focus on something else.
He’s on day 4 of sobriety this time so very early. Also just been refused medical cannabis due to AF, so that’s another blow. His depression is horrific and it’s what causes this whole problem.
Either this hotel would fix it (no time to dwell on family trauma with guests to look after) or it would be a total disaster. Not quite sure how to feel!

@Fibbletthat sounds like a LOT to take on. If it uses all his cash and it goes wrong would he still have his own house? Or would the expectation be that he lives with you?
maybe something to talk through with your counsellor?

@Fibblet I would not be investing in anything for a least a year of him being sober

yes he needs a project as such to keep mind occupied

but not buying and running a totally new business

@Fibblet I am speaking as someone who moved house 3 times chasing my husband’s dreams, and funded and supported several other ‘something to give me purpose dreams/fantasies’. Please think really carefully about this, at this stage it does not seem the best thing to tie yourself closer to your partner than you already are. I get he wants purpose, but what happens when something triggers his next bender.

He’d completely financially independent, mortgage free separate property. It wouldn’t affect my day to day life.
my counsellor thinks it might be what he needs, as he was fine until he stopped working…

@Fibblet I’m certainly zero expert and am in the absolute pits with all my husband s stuff . But I will say that when I said to his therapist and psychiatrist that this all came out of the blue and he was absolutely fine until last year and that I thought it was a work related thing blah blah - they shut me down immediately and said this never comes out of the blue yes the work or in your partners case the boredom might have triggered the spiral but it was there lurking all along. So just wondering whether your counsellor is an expert in addiction? Maybe he/ she is but I’d need to be sure this was good advice before you become further entangled. Really hope whatever you decide works out for you xx

Had another attempt at a civilised talk with DH today. Another explosion, this time he thumped the table a few times and told me he wanted to punch me in the face. So leaving looks like being a bit more complicated than I’d hoped. Sigh. I’ll be getting in touch with Women’s Aid as well as a solicitor. But at least he’s showing me why I’m divorcing him. Have told a couple of people irl and now have some support, including a place to go if necessary and somewhere I can drop the children off in an emergency.