Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

Hugs @Hellodarknes55

Reading you makes me feel like I have it easy. It’s stressful, but he’s my husband and I can walk away. I just don’t even want to contemplate how I’d feel if it was my DS. We’re here for you.

She sounds lovely

3 days is 3 days and possibly the longest he has been sober

hopefully being the youngest has made him reliese if he doesn’t do this now he will end up like them

Hugs to you, @Hellodarknes55 , it's so hard and so scary when they come home after rehab or detox.

Is your son doing any follow-up at home? In the long term he does need to address the causes of his drinking. I realise that you can't broach that with him now that he is not talking.

@Hellodarknes55 just thinking of you and wishing you well. Xxx

@wouldratgerbeunknown have just read your updates, thinking of you.

Just for extra shits and giggles - literally - we have norovirus (GP diagnosed as DH took himself off to see the doctor). It’s saving my waistline from the Easter chocolate…

Oh god hopefully that will keep him off the sauce for a bit?

I don't know - nothing stopped mine besides the aftermath of having kidney stones removed, and that only lasted a week.

Just found out that my friend who has a major alcohol problem (an in very nearly died on more than one occasion, ends up on the streets etc) and lives with us has been lying to me for at least 6 months (probably more than a year). It was completely unnecessary although something I did care about quite a bit, but rather than tell me what he decided to do he’s lied. And continued to lie through repeated conversations. He’s been abstinent for well over a year and proud that he ‘doesn’t lie to me anymore’ - which I always thought was unlikely but hey ho. Part of the evidence for being a changed man 🙄

Anyway I felt a bit shaky for 5 minutes and then once the shock wore off have discovered I don’t really care anymore. I used to get so upset about the lying and would try and explain why it wasn’t necessary. And then co-dependently comfort him when he was upset by me finding out 🙄 Now I’m just tired and cba. He doesn’t know I know and I probably won’t tell him. I cba to waste the energy on it. It’s utterly pointless.

@Hellodarknes55

Sending hugs to you.

Remember "One Day at a Time". That goes for the family as well as the addict. He has 3 days. That's as far as you can think.

At this point, I wouldn't worry too much about his silence. I happen to sort of do the same thing when I have an issue that appears overwhelming. I withdraw into myself and just want to be left alone to 'master' my thoughts.

Stay strong.

@Edithcantaloupe

Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to.

I'm not sure if you're saying that your friend has been lying about drinking (or possibly drugs?) or if there is something else.

Just remember that whatever it is, it is up to him to deal with. All you can do is protect yourself. You are entitled to ask him to leave. You don't have to solve his problem.

Why wouldn't you tell him what you know? Keeping secrets (even if about your own feelings) doesn't help him and certainly won't help you. When there are issues it's best to bring them out into the bright sun, not hide them away in the dark. Again, telling him to leave IS an option. And also again, put yourself first. As we like to remind each other 'No one is required to set themselves on fire to keep another person warm'.

If you don't feel strong enough to confront him without 'caving' into comforting him, then seek support with professional help. And of course, we'll be here to listen and support.

No not lying about drink or drugs (that’s not possible - he’s completely out of it on either 😂). About something that doesn’t matter, but would have required a slightly challenging conversation. Actually it wouldn’t even have required that as we had that conversation - it was done. I said do what you want but please just let me know what you decide while you are living here. He lied about his decision and did it anyway. It will impact on his health if he drinks again so I needed to know really as I’m the one who has to deal with medics etc when he drinks dangerously and do need the information.

The lying has been a repeated pattern since forever. And it just makes be feel like I cba now. I just don’t care (I actually think this is a positive - it’s taken me a long time).

I am long past feeling remotely responsible for him. I have my own health issues at the moment and I need to think about myself until I know what I am dealing with. So I don’t want to have to spend hours in conversation talking to him about him when I really really don’t care. If it bothers me I will do. I’m not scared to I am just bored of those conversations.

Yes he will be moving out. We have given a ludicrously long move out date -over a year away, but he has been here for years and I have come to the conclusion that he will not be able to fully recover here (too comfortable -sadly he just can’t find the motivation - if he could he would already have moved on.) He knows that if he drinks again he won’t be able to come back (is sofa surfing so no issues there -‘we’ve done enough benders).

I do care a great deal about him - and he is honestly a lovely guy with loads going for him. But I am tired of the lying - especially this week (big medical appt for me next week.) I think I feel sad about it.

Really bad morning here. He’s very aggressive, I’m having to move around like a cat under scrutiny from a Rottweiler. I’ll be calling Women’s Aid for the first time this afternoon. I think it may all come to a head sooner than I had expected. Will be seeing the head of the school after the Easter holidays. It’s picking up its own momentum. Grateful for sunshine, happy children and a loving dog.

I’m shaking all over from this morning’s encounter. Had to swallow it to stop him going off in front of the children.

Hugs to everyone having a tough morning.

Please don't hesitate to call the police on him if he escalates any further.

@LavenderFieldds sounds terrifying. Should you call the police now? It’s still very early a lot of time left of today and a bank holiday tomorrow . My worst times were Easter and over Christmas seems that things escalate then. Please put yourself and your kids out of harms way . Feel very worried for you xxx

He’s fine as long as I don’t ask anything of him. I made the mistake of asking him to have the children for a while.

Just please be careful.

I know you have your plans down to a couple of months from now, but maybe you should consider a contingency plan to get out fast if things escalate.

@Edithcantaloupe

We have given a ludicrously long move out date -over a year away

I'm not criticizing the good Lord knows we have to do things 'our way' when it comes to dealing with an addict. But I'm curious as to why you've given him such a long timeframe. Especially since you say you have no feelings of responsibility to him anymore.

Obvs you don't have to say if you don't want to.

Do be careful @LavenderFieldds don’t delay calling the police if you feel under physical threat

Practicalities. He has no money (he should have but he doesn’t), so I gave nearly two years notice so no money cannot be an excuse. Also if all goes to plan he should be well on his way to really positive new beginnings by then and we will have supported that and given a leg up. I’d still like to do that and tbf the new beginnings will take some time and some commitment. He has made a lot of progress.

If he does fall off the wagon he will end up in hospital and there will be more housing options from there that don’t require the money he doesn’t have. Madly. But that is the way it is. So he either has the gumption to stick with what he has started with a long term future in mind. Or he doesn’t. I do hope he makes the right choices and finds the resilience - and learns from it. I try not to think about it though as then I get sucked into the drinking games….

I see. Thanks for the explanation.

I hope it works out for all of you. Just remember you can change the timeframe at any time if he stops keeping his end of the bargain.

Oh yes and he knows that. I do really care about him, but was naive really about how much of addiction is avoiding responsibilities and being happy for others to keep you going, even at their own expense. I had no concept of someone not really desperately wanting to be independent as an adult.

Anyway hopefully the engagement in the new beginnings (long term training - and he is engaging) will turn into a genuine desire to move towards. I can’t find the motivation for him.