Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

@LavenderFieldds sorry to hear things so bad - def speak to school and pasture care officer and call police if need be

dd Is now under young carers even tho he doesn’t live with us or ever be alone with him and the school does special treats do them like making cookies and eating them and does a drawing class where can draw stuff and talk about their Emotions

Thanks for your supportive messages.
I have been surprised by him. I really believed that he wouldn’t say sober. He had some sessions of his DBT counselling after he got back last week and is at the addiction cessation place on Tuesday. Hopefully they will be offering some support moving forward.
He seems to be more concerned about his appearance which he hasn’t been bothered about since last June/July. I take that as an interesting change and possibly a good sign.
I can’t let myself feel hopeful as I am not sure I can cope with it being crushed again. I am getting support in various ways but I feel broken by what’s gone on. Sending best wishes to all of you. Xx

That sounds positive - hopefully he has made the decision he needed to make.

There's nothing wrong with tempering your hopes, but an interest in self care is absolutely a positive. And if he asks you for support with this, that is classed as supporting, NOT enabling.

That sounds a ate in the right direction

@Hellodarknes55 really got everything crossed for you and your son xxxx

Everything crossed here for you (and him)@Hellodarknes55, take care 💐

@Hellodarknes55 hoping so much that he stays sober. Glad he is taking more care of himself- that's definitely a positive. @LavenderFieldds if he becomes aggressive again, phone the police. It can escalate so quickly.

@Hellodarknes55 Hugs and prayers to you and your son.

Can I join?

H (he’s no longer dear to me) is a long-time (dys)functioning alcoholic. Binge drinks most nights because he can (works away and has a lot of time off). Tends to sink half a bottle of whiskey at most, though has had more on occasion (talking litre).

In the past 6 months he has completely changed when drunk, comatose, snoring, which affects my sleep, being rude and obnoxious to me and sometimes in front of the children. Worse though, he’s wandering at night in the house and urinating over the bathroom floor, directly into the shower, once into a cupboard, the other over a bedside cabinet/drawers, soaking clothing within.

Ive had no sleep at all last night as he got drunk and saturated the family bathroom floor with piss, whilst I was in my youngest child’s bed comforting her as she’s unwell. I got up to investigate, made him clean it but couldn’t face lying beside him (I never do when he does this) so have been wide awake downstairs all night contemplating this fucking pathetic existence.

Apologies for the rant, but really need some support.

hello! That sounds absolutely horrible. I don’t have advice but I have seen lots of advice on addiction sites that say no cleaning up after the addict but how on earth can you manage not to if you have children and the house becomes a health hazard? Has he or is he able to recognise what he is doing. ? You must be at your wits end xxx

He does recognise it and doesn’t really care. Either thinks it’s funny/normal drunk behaviour/other people do it, or is either confrontational, denying it at the time or is insincerely sorry, saying he won’t drink again (but does).

Hard to know what to say to that really but is that a situation you and your children can live with? The other women on this thread will be along soon and will have good advice but I think that advice will be to make an escape plan. So hard to think clearly when you’re in the middle of it it’s so overwhelming. Do you have any real life support? I was so ashamed and hiding everything but when I confided in a couple of people it all seemed better. By the way these were not my close family they were friends who I blurted it all out to and they have been such a lifeline so I’m hoping this can be an option for you xxxx plus the people on here have been wonderful

Thank you. I don’t have any support sadly. I suppose I will have to form my escape plan. I really appreciate your kindness xxx

@itwascousinhalifax I am so sorry. I had the pissing in random places too, and bedwetting. It's truly disgusting. Your husband clearly doesn't care or doesn't want to care, so it's definitely escape plan time. Your children need not to learn that this is normal.

And I have made a new thread because this one is almost full. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5515006-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-5

@itwascousinhalifax Welcome. It sounds like you have your mind made up that this is not a sustainable situation. The process of escape in not easy, but worth it afterwards. Do try to find a real life support system (I found it easier to confide in acquaintances rather than close friends and family), and keep posting.

(I had blanked out the urination….and other body fluids. One of his last acts in our house was to pee over my shoe rack…..the police would not accept that as evidence as ‘it could have been one of the dogs…..hey ho, it was only stuff)

@itwascousinhalifax

I'm 8 hours behind the UK, so just waking up.

Please join us on the new thread. There are plenty of hands there to hold yours.

And remember:

You didn't cause this
You can't control this
You can't cure this

But you CAN free yourself and your children. I promise you that. It may not be easy, but it can be done.

Oh wow @itwascousinhalifax. I would def end the marriage over that

let alone the actual drinking

that's disgusting and he’s not going to change

will write more on new thread

Just here for a rant and a howl. Am feeling racked by grief today but am channelling it into sorting out the house and visualising what it will look like without the chaos he creates. Here is that howl I couldn’t let go of a couple of weeks ago.

Welcome and hugs @itwascousinhalifax . Nobody wants to be here but we’re all here for you.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 oh my goodness, that’s shocking of the police. And they wonder why people don’t have faith in them.

That is horrendous. What a dreadful
attitude from the police.

Thank you for the support, it means a lot and I’m very touched.

Hope you guys are doing ok xx

@itwascousinhalifax I actually was very well treated by the police and they took me seriously. He died before the CPS made a decision to charge on coercive control, and to be honest I was expecting him not to be charged, but I was listened to and supported in the process so I have no complaints (except that they cast aspersions on my dogs!)