Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

@Fibblet

The problem with both meds is that they only work if they take them faithfully, every day. DB had Antabuse (Disulfiram) and it worked wonders, when he took it. If he decided to go on a bender he simply stopped taking it. Then when he was done, he went back on it. When he finally made up his mind he stayed on it for years and felt it really made a difference. He no longer takes it daily, but does start taking it if he feels himself 'weakening'. This doesn't happen very often. He said the feeling of drinking on Antabuse (tmi follows) is like having the worst case of nausea/motion sickness you can think of but you aren't able to vomit no matter what you try.

Naltrexone wasn't around when he was drinking. It apparently kills the 'buzz' so you drink and don't feel the feelings you're drinking to get. I do know someone who took it and they said it does work, but again, you have to take it faithfully. And with both, it takes time to reach a 'clinical level' in your body where you feel the full effects of drinking, or the full effects of 'no buzz'.

DH has been Rx'd both, not at the same time. But as is usual with him, he expected an immediate 'fix' of the problem. And I guess both meds need time to build up in your system. It was telling to me that the first thing he did after taking a tablet was, wait for it, to drink to 'see if it works'. When it didn't that meant that they don't work at all, despite his own BiL's experiences with Antabuse and his friend's experience with Naltrexone.

I’ve regularly had enough- but I can see he doesn’t want to be like this and I’m still trying to help, from a more detached place. If I abandoned him he’d have nobody, and I’d still worry. It’s a total nightmare and I can feel myself getting closer to that point where I won’t go back.

Thank you. Yes he was drunk for 60 days last year and not a drop on all other days.
this year he’s been drunk from last Wednesday until now and I imagine he will stop in the next three to five days. All I’ve done this time is hide the car keys.
I fancy the injection version of these meds…. he won’t be able to ‘not take it’.

I think with Antabuse it stays in your system for 2 weeks so if you decide to go on a bender you can’t…. I think the implant version might be a good idea, not sure if you can get it here though… thank you for this, very interesting and helpful.

My DH was prescribed antabuse and was sober for about six months. After he started drinking again, he told his GP he was trying very hard to stop and was prescribed librium for withdrawal symptons, which he took with alcohol. To be honest, unless the addict is being truthful with themselves and is determined to get sober, none of these drugs will help and if combined with alcohol, may make everything worse. They have to make these decisions - we can't make it happen.

You’re not a monster. You are just not as codependent - this is a good thing. You are seeing the reality of the situation.

Totally. They need to be Honest with their selves before anything can be done

I remember talking to the doctors / I went with dh when his family and I said enough and sort it or we are over

I asked about the Antabuse and doc said they don’t prescribe anymore

I said feeling ill if drinking is a better help to stop , then the once they gave him

and yes implants wouid be fab. So know they get a steady stream of it

Today we had a nice day. Rare but happens. Took dd to see ex and ended up going out to see his side of family (who I spent Xmas with) they are all very supportive to me and tho his family , we still get on as thy know why I kicked him out and the struggles/lies I’ve had while with him

was a nice day and he thanked me when I dropped him off and as he walked/limped along the path to his flat I did feel a little sad

sad for the life that we started off when we got together and when we married etc and that it’s not there anymore

I know today is rare. I know I def did the right thing. All the drinking/lying etc

but is it possible to mourn what we had had as I did love him once very much

I def don’t now . I’ve said before his behaviour, lying and drinking etc killed my love for him

remind me of this in a few days and to kick my arse , as he will 99% drink tomorrow as gets his uc but as long as he didn’t contact me then that’s fine as we all know our addicts drink /won’t stop

It’s normal and human to have those sad moments @Penguinsandspaniels. When they aren’t drunk, being abusive, being deluded twats or lying, you get flash backs of who they used to be before the addiction changed them and ruined everything. I’ve always said I find ranting Ex easier than nice Ex because nice Ex makes me remember what we had and what I lost and I do mourn the life we had (even if it feels like SO long ago now) and the future I thought we would have.

None of us expected to end up where we are now. It’s shit and it is sad. So no kicking you up the arse at all!!

Yes. He knew exactly how long after he stopped taking it until he could drink. Talk about advanced planning!

I'll have to check out that implant. I think something like that might work for DH if he ever gets serious about not drinking.

Edit; implant not available in the US.

Thank you. Thats excatly how I feel - we used to have a good life. We had fun. We planed dd. Got Married etx

but our good happy years were prob 13 - 5 years ago

been separated almost 2yrs. Was a very bad 2 yrs before that

I get why some keep giving chances - always hoping that this will be the sober time they sort

but it never is

I feel the same. We were together for 25 years, 20 married. The last 5 were hell. You stay because you're clinging to hope, and letting it go really bloody hurts.

nods

thank you for making this thread @pointythingsso I/we can display our thoughts and chat to those who know

I have wonderful friends who listen to me and cuddled me as I sobbed - but apart from one none of them know what’s it’s like to have an addict as a husband

she is very supportive but she also got her forever happy after as he is sober over 4yrs (and what ex should be) and he’s always making amends and goes to AA and her life is very good now

tho it was bad so she can understand the despair and torment to a certain extent as she has been there

but she is happy now. Hes sober. She has a good kind loving supportive man so she doesn’t get the loneliness and the constant lies still

I guess that just like it's easy for us to focus on the 'good times' and forget the bad, it's easy for your friend to focus on the 'now' and forget the past. If she remembers the pain of the past she probably wouldn't be able to trust in the future. And that trust is absolutely necessary to be happy in the now.

And in other news, DH is once again home and full of promises to stay sober. I do believe he means it when he says it but I have no faith in his promises anymore. But the most important promise he can keep is the one he makes to himself. At this point what he says to me is unimportant.

He has a telephone appt with his Dr. this week. I'm going to suggest he talk to her about the Naltrexone injection (Vivitrol). It's supposed to last 4 weeks.

They all start off saying they want to be sober - I’ve heard it all before as sure you have

I hope this is the time @AcrossthePond55 and that the doctor can help

And like I said he would last night, he brought vodka today as soon as got his uc

kicks her own arse before anyone else can

@Penguinsandspaniels

Please don't kick your own arse, Lovely. Give yourself a hug because that's what we'd all do if we were with you. It's what you deserve. You aren't feeling anything that all of us don't feel (or have felt) when the promises flow. We're human, we live in hope. That's the 'default' when we love someone.

Right now it's about feeling your feelings and then picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and making your own plans for yourself. Even if you aren't ready to carry out your plans, simply making them is an act of faith and hope for your own life.

I knew he would drink. As does every time he gets his uc. Not sure why I’m suprised tbh - I’m not as such

remind me next time we do something together leading up to his uc and he’s sad - lonely - said living off rice etc

to not feel sorry

I’m hoping for the same for mine- a jab once a month! Let us know how that goes!

I am with my DH now having a medical detox - his first. This should then be followed up by rehabilitation .
I am so grateful to all of you for all your help /advice /support.
I might try and stop looking at this thread though because I really want to be positive and encouraging and reading on here makes me feel so sad
Probably I'm naive and you'll see me back here again before too long XXX

Suggestion went down like a lead balloon. He 'doesn't need help' to stop drinking. I then approached it as not help to stop drinking, just something to make it easier. Still nope. I doubt he even keeps the telephone appt tomorrow. Oh well, it may still be my circus due to remaining joint finances, but he's certainly no longer my monkey.

Then I watched as he got in the truck (with no valid license due to DUI) and zipped off to the local Stop and Rob and loaded himself up for the day. More power to him. I'm going to make a chicken enchilada casserole and just kick back and relax.

My tentative plan (to be run by my attorney) is that if the truck gets impounded I'm going to go pick it up myself and put it in a storage yard. The last thing I want is for him to injure someone.

If you think a break will give you strength, take it! We all want this to succeed for you.

Best of luck @wouldratgerbeunknown . My prayers go out to you and DH for success.

We'll be here if you need us in the future.

Hi, can I join? My 25yr old nephew is such a severe alcoholic that he cannot even function. My brother (DN’s dad) is also an alcoholic and to go back to my DN, he lost his mum to alcoholism, both of his grandparents on his mum’s side, his mum’s sister and on our side he also lost his grandad to alcoholism- my late Dad. This poor kid didn’t stand a chance against it, did he?
He’s in supported accommodation and usually cannot even string a sentence together, it breaks my heart. My mum & I are the only ones who don’t drink, but he blames us as well as his Dad, for everything including the loss of his mum a few years ago which is madness as we hadn’t seen her in years. He just doesn’t know what he’s saying. We daren’t approach him, yet hate to leave him out of things. Don’t know what to do…