Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

Tbh I don’t think any of us reliesed the extent of drinking. Till too late

I think my first inkling that things weren't right was after his mum died in 2010 and he came back from her memorial in the US and mentioned how much he had been drinking then - he was staying by himself in her house, which I think was a huge mistake.

After that it was in 2012 when DD1, 11 years old at the time, mentioned how Daddy was drinking 'beer' on Sunday morning at 8 o'clock.

Once I was aware, the signs were everywhere, it was just that I could do sod all to change what was going on.

Hindsight is 20 20….. in retrospect there were so many signs, my drinks cupboard gradually emptying, drinking the ‘good’ bottles of wine I had bought as a present for my father, coming down in the morning and seeing the half bottle of wine left from dinner gone from the fridge, offering a guest some beer, only to find the bottle was full of water. A bottle of sloe gin I had been given gone….The crazy thing is I couldn’t tell you when I really got that it was a problem, in the same way I lost count of the times he ‘detoxed’ at home.

Yet mine didn’t really drink at home. Maybe the odd beer. Never vodka

that was always out of the house. Amazed he never go done for drunk driving thinking about it

and thank God he didn’t hurt /kill anyone

tho crashed van 3 times in hindsight - once not his fault - once hitting a parked car which I queried over booze and he said no and seems sober - prob wasn’t

and once police involved and was sober

Mine drank at home. Cans of cider in all kinds of odd places. Also drank at work in his workshop, in his van while on site, in his van before stepping foot through the door. He drank around the clock most of the time tbh because physically dependent so would withdraw otherwise.

I’m having a sad phase this week, don’t know why. I’m just really sad he couldn’t find it in himself to do the very hard work of early sobriety (I say early sobriety as he never got much past two months at his very longest stint sober) instead of taking the ‘easier’ way out of feeding the addiction. It’s just such a waste. I way prefer the relieved that I saved myself or angry with him for wrecking everything. Sad phase sucks! At least no guilt is creeping in. I know for certain that I have every ‘one last thing’ to help and that there is no ‘one last thing’ that anyone can do.

Hello everyone I hope you all had an ok Mother’s Day.
is your son in the detox yet? Sorry I’ve lost the user name but I’m sure you know who you are.
must be a relief for you accross the pond that your husband tucked away .?
I just need a reality check from you please.
I think I’m delusional and just need a wake up don’t sleep walk into trouble again!
my husband has now been out of the rehabilitation facility for 5 weeks today. Very very early days.
he’s been going back as a day patient two days per week this will be for another 3 weeks then they offer a weekly meeting .
he has a sponsor who he is seeing ( as far as I know) once per week
he is attending AA meetings daily the rehab said he needs to do this for 90 days.
so far so good BUT I cannot forget, and do not believe I should, the absolute hell of last year.
he says he isn’t missing the booze and isn’t having cravings.
he says he feels so much better about everything
I just think he’s not acknowledging how hard this will be. I’ve read about this pink cloud thing and wonder if that’s what this is?
we have a wedding to go to abroad in a few months. I said I don’t think you should go( I don’t really want him there it would be a real break for me ) oh I’ll be fine he says.
so I have a dreadful feeling that this is a very temporary reprieve.
just needed to get this out there because I’m trying to be positive and encouraging especially to my children but underneath I feel constantly sick and tearful
I know many of you have been through this many times it’s like a terrible limbo

Hey @wouldratgerbeunknown. There is definitely a post rehab euphoria of “I’ve got this! My life is great!” in my experience, especially if it’s the first time and the addict hasn’t experienced relapse and how it can feel like it comes out of nowhere (but it doesn’t) and how hard it is to pick themselves back up. I would say (as I said I think when your DH first went in) that my hope for you is that he has accessed treatment quickly enough and both of a good length (28 days inpatient) and with a good post discharge out patient that I not seen anyone have before (most discharge straight to a weekly zoom check in unless you can find a private ‘day care’ outpatient - and these are rare and expensive!)

I imagine that the most challenging time for your DH will come when he is down to a weekly meeting and trying to get back more into usual life/ work routine - that’s when tiredness/ boredom of constantly having to ‘work at sobriety’ can kick up. But he will be at a really decent length sober at that point - the vast majority of relapses happen within the first 90 days as your brain only really starts to heal the dopamine receptors after that, and then it’s still hard work for the rest of the first year.

Sending you massive hugs because I know what a terrifying constant cliff edge it feels watching a loved one in early sobriety and hoping it sticks, while also still being really angry and resentful about the behaviour that preceded rehab that you feel like you can’t mention for fear of upsetting them in early sobriety.

Thankyou so much. It’s so good to have this group to talk to. Yes I think he’s been very fortunate in the level of treatment he’s had including now fortnightly psychiatrist appointments. It’s via his work health insurance and is a once in a lifetime treatment so there will be no going back to this again. Bizarrely he’s loved the whole thing and takes the homework very seriously but I just have a bad feeling about what will happen when reality really sets in .

Oh he drank at home. Just not when I was here. never really saw in drink on public

Was prob pissed every night - the amount of vodka bottles I found in the garden - loft - behind the sofa - under the sofa - behind the living room bookcase - behind the washing machine - behind the dishwater - on top of kitchen cabinets - behind the tv stand - in the playroom under the sofa - under our mattress - in my wardrobe - behind the bedroom drawers - in the garden.

Oh so many in the garden. Filled a huge green recycling dustbin when did the garden - his older adult kids were shocked how many and said do you wonder why penguins wants a divorce. I wouldn’t be with you /my fiance if he drank what you did dad

what I don’t get and said to so many friends - why didn’t he just put in the bin. Why hide them round the house - stupid

it’s more effort surely to take everything out of the washing machine cupboard tablets, et cetera hide two empty bottles at the back and then put everything back in

last week 2yrs after he left I found another 5 vodka bottles behind the kitchen fridge which tbh I’ve never pulled out, it did as decorating kitchen

th painter said omg You will never guess what’s behind here

I said vodka bottles

he Said how did you know

I said lucky guess 😉

Well, it's a relief to know that I haven't been the only one sticking my head in the sand before the problem spun out of control. I guess it's love and the fear of change that kept or is still keeping us there. We need to remember 'no guilt' and that the choices we made then needn't weigh on us now. "We did then what we knew how to do. Now that we know better, we'll do better". And we have. Even if all one has done is to acknowledge the problem. That IS doing better.

The latest is that he apparently has a serious infection in his legs. So he will be in this facility for at least 2 weeks for intensive treatment. It was a voicemail from him during the period I have 'do not disturb' on so I'll call him later (it's 6.30am here). He said "some bacteria with a long name". The scary thing is (may have mentioned this) that my dad's brother was a severe alcoholic and ended up having both legs amputated (this was in the mid '60s, I was a child) and I remember Dad saying "He got gangrene because of his drinking", so I assume it probably started with an infection too. Luckily we have much better antibiotics these days.

@Nogoodusername I'm sorry you're in that 'sad place'. It's really hard to deal with. When I get that way all I can do is let it wash over me for a bit but not allow myself to 'wallow'. I've gotten pretty good at telling myself "Buck up your ideas, woman!" and distracting myself.

@wouldratgerbeunknown You know, I don't think I would ever lose the complete sense of paranoia should DH ever be in the place your DH is. Nor would I want to, really. I think I'd want to keep some of it as a 'suit of armour' so I was never blind-sided. I guess it would come down to the same things as when they're actively drinking yet we are still there; Do I want to live with the weight of this feeling or would I be happier just leaving so I can drop this load? I guess all you can do now is watch, wait, and be prepared. I pray he is successful.

@wouldratgerbeunknown it is a hard place to be, waiting for the sword to fall. In the months my DH was sober, I felt the whole time that we were not where we should be as a couple. He seemed oddly oblivious to the damage he'd caused. And while I wasn't totally surprised when he relapsed, I was devastated, so as @AcrossthePond55 says, keep your suit of armour on for a while yet at least.
@Penguinsandspaniels same. Bottles hidden in the strangest places. The plumber found one in the toilet cistern and behind the bath panel months after he'd left. I guess it's so they always have alcohol to hand, no matter where they are.

Thankyou yes I agree about the not recognising how terrible he was. Shame? Embarrassment? Denial?
an example was my daughter lives quite a distance away and she asked us to come over at the weekend but not to the house just to meet in a local park. He wondered why not just go to her house ?. I said because the last time we were there you raided their drinks cabinet when I’d asked you to watch the baby while I went to the loo and found you just drinking straight from a bottle of gin he’d found.So a consequence is she doesn’t want you in her house with her children .
He just was quiet and said no more.

he told me he has spoken to the therapist about how I’m always crying and she said he can only show through his actions that he’s committed to recovery.

im so fed up with it all. How all of you have survived so long is a mystery to me. I honestly don’t think this is the end of it at all. Work seemed to be a big trigger for him and both the therapist and the psychiatrist have recommended that he strongly consider not returning to work. He isn’t really taking their advice and I know he’s plotting ways of getting some kind of pay off. That he didn’t get fired is a miracle so why would they pay him to go. There are still elements of delusion there.

@Nogoodusername. What you are feeling is the same as I feel and prob most of us

why couldn’t they manage to do it

@wouldratgerbeunknown yes they get into cloud cuckoo land and I’m ok. I’m not drinking. I will be ok

thw proof will be after 90 day - if makes that long (sorry) and if he carries on going to meetings and sees sponsor

agree been so Lucky with his treatment and length an I keep all crossed for you but God I understand ehere you are coming from

an just as my dh couldn’t manage it - doesn’t mean yours won’t

but

and this is a big but - if he relapses are you sure this will be it ?

It’s hard to leave /kick out but you have to have boundaries.
if he drink on holiday will that be it

assume work family and friends all know the extend of his drinking and will support you

ex doesn’t seem as bad as yours as in doesn’t seem to have withdrawal - tho equally as soon as gets uc he buys and the has a bug 🤮💩 (happened 4mths in a row now) and I think it’s when his body hasn’t had it for a week or so as poor so when gets money he buys it and body goes int shock

I keep saying it but he will die of alcohol poisoning

ex cancelled seeing dd yesterday as poorly /bug - then buys vodka at 7pm

not that she was bothered but ….

and forgot to mention the amount of vodka bottles found in his van under the seat. Front seat had a big hidey hole and when we emptied his van when relapsed - think I counted over 100 1/2 litre bottles of vodka. I didn’t say a word when he emptied as ‘clean slate’ lol but again why hide and not chuck them out of the window (tho littering) or put in bin before came home

Well I’m saving as much as I can so I’ve got enough to leave. I’ve already told him that it should be him that leaves because he’ll just let the house go to wrack and ruin
yes it’s nowhere near the 90 days because the therapist said that only starts counting down from when he left there. So a VERY long way to go
he does say that he knows he can never drink again. But talk is cheap.
anyhow doubtless I’ll be back here before too long moaning away ! Thanks for listening and replying.
i hope the woman who’s son was due to go to detox is ok? As bad as this is her situation is unimaginable

How on earth did he afford all those gallons of booze penguins? It costs a bomb

Oh god the van hiding places! There are a stupid number of hiding places in a van. Ex was a fan of cider cans and these super high % teeny bottles of god knows what in the van.

Mine didn't drive, so no van. But the number of bottles we found around the house after he left was staggering.

I have no idea what was found in his flat after he died; the letting agency dealt with all that, for which I was grateful. The essential bits we got back stank because he was in there decomposing for 3 days in a heatwave before he was found.

Oh pointy things that sounds so distressing for all of you,

I agree about the not recognising how terrible he was. Shame? Embarrassment? Denial?

@wouldratgerbeunknown How about all 3. One of the things I've noticed about DH is that when he's in the brief periods of 'never drink again' he has this 'pretty pink sky' mentality. That's where you need to believe in what YOU see without regards to the reality. So he refuses to acknowledge the truth and I'm being Debbie Downer if I remind him I've heard it all before and that what he is saying 'will work this time' has never worked before (ie Einstein's theory of insanity). I'm supposed to just say "Yes, what a pretty pink sky!".

I want to give you hope @wouldratgerbeunknown but dh said that as well. They know I can’t ever drink - then it was well maybe I can have the odd one at weekend

erm no .

but then I want to be supportive and not piss on Your bonfire so to speak as want to give you hope

not sure if there is anyone on here who addict did make it and currently sober for 1-2yrs +

equally this is a support thread for those who drink so may not be anyone reading replying saying yes sober 5yrs

so we are always here to support and yes don’t let him ruin the house as guess will need to sell it in the divorce

by paying nothing - I paid it all so yes a £7.99 bottle 2/3 times a week so £25 so £100 a month

or even 2 times that as was prob most days

an when he was working and had a good business

so may places @Nogoodusername

omg @pointythings. Now that’s a sobering thought - dead for days and no one knowing - while decomposing

how did you know he was dead - do you go there as not answering phone etc

@AcrossthePond55 you aren’t meant to mention their failings and mind me what an awful person they are when drunk. Don’t bring up the past - dh said that so many times to me

and I would be well o have to as I hold huge resentment fo your behaviour when drunk

I do look on Facebook to see when active sometimes to reassure my self he’s not dead

@wouldratgerbeunknown

Well I’m saving as much as I can so I’ve got enough to leave. I’ve already told him that it should be him that leaves because he’ll just let the house go to wrack and ruin

From personal experience, if you can AT ALL get him to go please do! Even if you have to pay a solicitor for legal advice. Even if you have to pay him off.

Unfortunately for me, I know that there would have been no way DH would have gone and no legal way I could have made him leave.

Our house is now basically a tip and a biohazard. And I'm not exaggerating. Dirty dishes with food everywhere, probably 100 or more beer cans and bottles scattered or piled around the house, filth you can't imagine in the rooms, dirty clothes and bedding all over the house. And the bathroom, well let's just say there are times he's failed to get to the toilet and he hasn't done a good job of cleaning after himself. It's so bad that I wear gloves and mask when I go there and I will not allow the dog to set foot on the floors, I carry him to his crate and carry him back out. It's far beyond my ability to clean at my age and I'm slowly accepting that this will need professional clean up far beyond just a normal cleaner. Rough estimates are between $2-5k (USD).

@Penguinsandspaniels

not sure if there is anyone on here who addict did make it and currently sober for 1-2yrs +

My brother is 'my' success story. He got sober in 2015 and has had only one relapse. He'd been sober for a bit (I think maybe 6 mos?) and he said that his brain whispered "I wonder if we could handle just one drink. Let's try and see!" and BAM! a 3 day bender. But he got his ass back into rehab at the end of those 3 days and learnt his lesson. So it CAN happen if the motivation is there, even if they do 'test the waters' once.

you aren’t meant to mention their failings and mind me what an awful person they are when drunk. Don’t bring up the past - dh said that so many times to me

Yep. Never mention the past. But God knows they can mention the past when it suits their purpose. Mostly a litany of our 'failures to support them'.

Oh no I don’t expect you to give me hope. When I think hope would be quite destructive .
i just want a safe place to vent I suppose.@AcrossthePond55that sounds terrible must be so upsetting to go into what was your homes and see it like that. But I can see how that could happen.
if his legs don’t respond to treatment perhaps he won’t be able to return home?

@Penguinsandspaniels I found out because the police called me - they found my number in his mobile. I was hundreds of miles away in the Lake district with my DC. A neighbour noticed the smell and called the police. We needed dental records to identify him. It was unbelievably hideous. None of us saw him , thankfully. The coroner was amazing.