Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 I suspect mine may commit suicide too. He’s tried in the past. I’ve reached a point where I don’t have the energy to stop him, I need to preserve myself and step away, because I can’t parent at the moment. I’ve reconciled myself to him choosing that way out, but we have two primary aged DC, youngest is 4, and I dread it for them. I hate him so much when I write it out. I’ll grieve the man I married but not the man he is now. UnMN hugs to you xx

I’ve decided I’m going to tell him on Monday that I’m applying for a divorce. Dreading it, if I’m honest. It won’t be pleasant but it’s miserable at home atm and the DCs are picking up on it. I’m eating way too much junk but every time I eat something I tell myself at least it’s not alcohol.

@LavenderFieldds I am so sorry to hear that, and particularly sympathise because if the impact on your children.
Mine threatened suicide so many times, but when I tried to engage and ask him to seek help he would not. All I can say is that it is a small comfort to know in the end his death was his choice and I pray he has found the peace he seldom had in life.

It is unimaginable for me to understand how his mind worked, all I can do now is be there for his family as they are for me
🌷

He’s just torn me off a strip because I pointed out he was walking wet mud over the rug I was in the middle of hoovering. Apparently “it’s just mud”, I’m “a horrible misery” and permanently rude and unpleasant to be around. There would have been a lot more but DD was there so I didn’t pull him up, as he would have lost it in front of her. So the divorce discussion has been brought forward to tomorrow. I don’t think he’s expecting it at all. I can’t believe how he treats me. This morning has reminded me that I feel like a despised servant. It’s so gutting. He’s throwing it all away and blaming me. Reading this thread, it’s so familiar, but I want it to be different. I want him to want us. I want it not to end the way it’s going to end. All I keep saying in my head to the children is “I’m so sorry, I tried so hard”. I’m a little frightened of telling him, if I’m honest. He has a nasty temper these days. Both DCs will be out of the way at school.

Actually, a lot of the time I’m just quiet because I’m keeping my head down or just trying to get through the day. I hadn’t realised until I started writing it down here just how abusive it’s got. I don’t just walk on eggshells, I do my best not to exist. The only way to keep things calm is to do everything, not ask for anything and be cheerful. I’ve been squeezed into nothing. He’s pretty much destroyed me, very gradually.

It’s so good to be able to write it down.

oh lovely, It's horrible isn't it?
Try and remember this is not your fault...you HAVE tried, over & over...you can't save a marriage all on your own (been there)
Once you tell him you want a divorce, I'm wishing for you the sense of relief I felt when I told mine..it was still scary as f**k and the road since then hasn't been easy, BUT - I'd found my voice and in saying it out loud to him, I started to find my power too.
You are not his whipping boy for life; there to take the brunt of his addiction, all of his moods and tantrums - you are a PERSON, a great Mum, friend, daughter...all of these things and the only 'part' of your identity you are rejecting is as his wife.
Once the process has begun, there will be a day of freedom, for you and for your kids who you obviously love so much.
They will know the truth when they're older (they'll work it out for themselves, not your job to tell them) and even though they're young, they will also remember what it's been like living with him and they will understand.
In divorcing him, you are saving them from prolonged unhappiness where their home/safe place isn't a comfort but something to be wary of (not knowing when he's going to blow up again). And you're also showing them that, however difficult it is, everyone has the right to stand up for themselves and not accept/tolerate anyone's vile and destructive behaviour.
We'll all be here for you...we are all you (or have been) and we send you our collective strength.
You can do this, you must do this
xx

Thank you, @zeroclucksgiven . It feels so long since I had people to talk to. I’m so glad to have found this thread.

I don’t think my ex has the balls to kill self but I do think he will die via booze as body will have enough and he will die via a stroke , heart attack , stomach bleeding - falling over and hitting head etc

he has so may painkillers and did tablets but I def don’t think he will end it - even tho he says he has no life and would be better off dead

I suggest gently to stop drinking and go back to doctors and AA and he will just say I’m not drinking

I too dread the day as will have to tell dd - tho she is learning /undertanding about his drinking as she gets older - and doesn’t want to see him alone or stay there (not that I would allow that as he will drink with her) but I get he’s her dad and she loves him

he is not the man who I loved and adored and married - so toddle get where you are coming from @LavenderFieldds

it is hard divorcing and an emotional toll on you. I applied for divorce in Sept and taken till now to get the consent order - an then it will be hopefully another 8w from there

you have to wait 20w regardless incase you change your mind

I said to the company why on earth would I spend this money - over £1200 so far - to change my mind

((hugs)) I’ve said so many times about how much I don’t reliese I walked on egg shells - till I didn’t

you have tried countless times - as did I - and I promise you that you will be happier alone. The kids will thrive as they do pick up on stuff And emotional tension and why I am glad I said no no more we are over !!

agree with everything @zeroclucksgivenssid

@LavenderFieldds not going to lie, it will get worse before it gets better, but you are taking back your power here. You're also protecting your DC. Yes, he will be angry and awful - if he is this bad now, maybe try to pack a go bag for you and DC. Also do not hesitate to involve the police if he gets violent or aggressive.

But you have chosen the path to freedom. Bloody well done.

@LavenderFieldds @Userccjlnhibibljn8

Your mentions of suicide with regards to your H's reminds me of something said at the funeral of someone who chose that route: "When the pain it took to go was less than the pain it took to stay".

My DH hasn't expressed specific intent, but has made 'murmurs' of 'not wanting to be here/wake up in the morning' and 'wish I could but I'm too much a coward'. I can't see him making that choice, but if he does I will know that there would have been nothing I could have done to stop that course without destroying my 'self' in the process. And that comes under the heading of 'never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm'. I'll regret his decision and grieve him. And I may feel remorse there was nothing I could do. But I will not feel guilt.

I'm a great believer that things happen at their appointed times. And that our subconscious knows when to say "Now!" to things that have been floating around in our brains. Leaving certainly worked that way for me and I'm glad I listened to that voice.

Yes, it'll probably be unpleasant. But hopefully he'll consent to leave so it'll be a 'short, sharp pain' rather than the enduring pain you're living with.

I’m eating way too much junk but every time I eat something I tell myself at least it’s not alcohol.

Oh, do I know this! Got my court date on the separation about 2 weeks ago and tried on my 'go to court' slacks. Oh dear!!! I'm on a diet now so they'll 'fit nicely' come April.

@Penguinsandspaniels

I don’t think my ex has the balls to kill self but I do think he will die via booze as body will have enough and he will die via a stroke , heart attack , stomach bleeding - falling over and hitting head etc

he has so may painkillers and did tablets but I def don’t think he will end it - even tho he says he has no life and would be better off dead

This is honestly how I think DH will die. Or drink driving and I can only pray to God (literally) that he doesn't take anyone with him if that happens.

He's back in the ER (for the nth time) so I'm having to fend off social workers once again. And having to deal with his expectations that I will fetch and carry' things to the hospital because he can't get it through his head that I no longer say 'how high' when he says 'jump'. It's a never ending nightmare.

This is the first time I've allowed myself to think this 'out loud' but my life would be so much better if he 'wasn't here anymore'. See, I can't even use the 'd--' word.

Is there no one else who will take him stuff @AcrossthePond55

what if you say no

Oh trust me, I do say "No, I won't bring you XYZ". Every time. And then he starts trying to guilt me but that doesn't work either. It's just the hassle of the same thing over and over again. I think it's just ingrained in him that I will do his bidding. Well, it was in the past, but not anymore!

The most I will do is go by and check the house to be sure it's ok and pick up the mail. But this is for me as I do still have ownership too and it's rural, so the box is down at the bottom of the drive. There has been mail theft now and then plus I don't want important items to sit for days.

No, there's no one else. Our two sons will have nothing to do with him and his one remaining friend lives 2 hours away.

PS, this all does have an 'end date', which is when the separation is finalized. Until then it's to my advantage to 'keep him sweet' but I have instituted some boundaries.

To all you ladies who have/had partners/husbands who have/or are being awful to you it must be soul destroying. I have to admit my DS is never horrible to me or tries to blame me, he just takes the piss and doesn’t respect anything I do or say, but he isn’t verbally abusive. I can’t get my head around that listening to others. That makes it all the more difficult for me to put boundaries etc in place, that he doesn’t actually respect anyway.

I get that. Playing nice till divorced

Yes being told you are a fucking cunt - stupid cunt etx

i recorded some of our chats when I questioned if he had been drinking - he always said no

now listening to them I’m

1. shocked I stayed so long putting up with the verbal mental abusive - tho he will say he wasn’t abusive and I’m a narcocist

2. it’s so bloody obvious he’s wankered now I don’t hear him sit or weekly slurring

3. saddened he spoke to me like that and that I out up with it so bit like 1)

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 If he'd stayed, he may well have drunk himself to death or committed suicide (same thing really) anyway. There's no knowing and you just need to keep bearing in mind his death was his decision and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it happening. I have had family members trying to heap guilt on me and I shake it off. He was drinking when he lived with me and he kept going when I left, but like @Penguinsandspaniels says I didn't have to put up with abuse any more. Stopping drinking was always a choice he could have made. I was never in a position to save him.

I've always felt it must be harder if it's your child. You can't ever really walk away from your child after all, you can't turn off unconditional love. With one's OH, you can walk away - even if that takes many years to accomplish.

@pointythings People do walk away from their children but I imagine it is when it is no longer safe for the parent. As much as I read/listen/see I have not reached the point of making him leave. I am mid 60s and feel my life is ebbing away. All the things I’d planned are either a pipe dream or tainted. No real joy in anything when there absolutely should be. I am both angry and sad. I truly feel my life is pretty much on the back burner indefinitely. Truly fucked up..

Just to wish you good luck @LavenderFieldds you said he’s got a temper . Will you be safe? Will you be on your own when you ask for divorce?
@AcrossthePond55im rooting for you i can’t believe how kind you are despite everything.
Im just here hoping for the best . I have hopeful days followed by weeping uncontrollably days . So for now just literally taking it one day at a time.
its all so sad for everyone

Well that went exactly the way I expected. Lots of shouting, I’m the problem, he drinks because I’m so miserable, because I emotionally abuse him. I’ve never done a days work in my life apparently, he’s had to do everything. That’s him conveniently overlooking the fact that until the children I earned as much in three days as he did in a month. I haven’t worked so much recently because I had a life threatening (very nearly died) illness a couple of years ago and it’s taken me a while to come back. I now have a little job which is apparently “my level”. He refuses to entertain the idea of a divorce and tells me that a solicitor will laugh at me. I’m pretty sure he’s not aware that divorce is now no fault. So, anyway, I’m a bit battered, but no worse than previous occasions. I’ll apply for a divorce later this evening. What a mess. The dog came and sat on my lap while he was shouting at me. Thank god for unconditional canine love. Please tell me I’m doing the right thing. I know I am, I just feel so rubbish.

Thank you for being here, everyone. I’m off for tea and cake with a friend now. Thank God I can tell her what’s going on. She’s been through an abusive marriage too and will be able to shoulder me offloading to her. I’ve always hidden it in the past but I’m beginning to be more open. This thread is helping. I think I’d begun to believe that everyone would tell me I really am as bad as he tells me l am.

Both dogs are rescues and in my name - so he can’t take them!