Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

You're doing the right thing, @LavenderFieldds . His reaction alone tells you that. He's locked in addiction, he has no self awareness, it's all about blaming whoever else is available. Mine also blamed me for his drinking (and his employer, and his colleagues, and the DC).

He can't stop you, so get those ducks lined up, forge ahead and above all, stay safe.

Thank you, @pointythings . It’s devastating to see. I wanted so much for him to get it. I’m going to have to tell the school everything, I think, @Penguinsandspaniels as I think it’s going to get ugly.

I won’t have any hesitation in calling the police if necessary. Our house is owned by my mum, so he will have to be the one to leave, so I may have to have him removed. But I’ll deal with that if and when it comes.

You are DEFINITELY doing the right thing @LavenderFieldds !
It had to be done and now it's said out loud it's real...don't be surprised; he will throw everything he can think of at you and you will definitely be the one to blame/at fault...yada yada yada, you've heard it all before!
He will also try and guilt trip you re the kids and 'how can you break up their family?' - bullcrap - he did that, not you - you are doing this to safeguard their futures and you will all fare so much better without him and his abuse (you do know that's what he's been doing don't you - abusing you?).
Stay strong, believe in yourself and forge ahead to your and the kids' happy new lives...you have so much joy and peace to look forward to so hang on to that and when he tries more bullying/blaming/guilt tripping, daydream of your new life, I mean, really picture it and all it will bring.
You will be fine love, in time yes, but it will happen.

@LavenderFieldds you are def found the right thing. Well done for being brave and telling him

yes there is no fault divorce now so you can just claim

you may get help with the £612 cost if on uc and low income

https://www.gov.uk/get-help-with-court-fees

i sadly earnt too much but worth looking at

im using clean break but you have to be in agreement - at first dh wasn’t but i made it clear regardless of him I would be divorcing him

and he did agree to it eventually

And yes tell the school. Our school has been great

Hello all
My DS now has a date next week for rehab. I can’t quite believe it. My own mental health has been in the toilet for a few weeks now but I think the pills are starting to help. Such a relief because I couldn’t stop shaking.
I know to not have much hope but I am so looking forward to having a quiet house and cleaning.
is that mad? He absolutely stinks. Everything repulses me.
Who knows what will happen after.

sending hugs and sunlight to all of you on here. I hope for better times for us all.

That’s brilliant @Hellodarknes55. Is this their 1st rehab - how long do they stay for ?

so glad for you OP...you mustn't feel 'bad' for having him away in rehab and enjoying your peace whilst he's gone!
Whatever the outcome for him (everything crossed it's positive, of course!), you are allowed to seize your moments of happiness whenever they come along - for so many of us on here, these are too few and too far between, unfortunately.
You make the most of very second and just breathe normally for a while...you deserve it xx

@Hellodarknes55 I hope this is a turning point for him. I would love for my DS to have this ‘opportunity’. Please relax while he is away. Enjoy the sanctuary which should be our homes when life is normal, but is not in times like these.

My son also stinks. He lives in squalor. His bedroom is filth. My boiler is kaput, arranged for new install on Monday. DS will not wash probably until it’s done, he normally showers but he won’t be arsed to wash down so it will get smellier in my place so I’m dreading that and seeing him so unkempt.

I wish you well and have everything crossed for your DS🙏🏼

@Penguinsandspaniels it is his first detox. I believe it will definitely be 2 weeks and maybe longer. We should find out more in a few days but it depends how much funding was agreed.

@zeroclucksgiven thankyou. I will be seizing some much needed headspace and might even make it away for a few days. Have felt like a prisoner to it all. Whatever happens, I need to start preparing for what comes after.

@Isthisit2025 I really feel for you. Hopefully the boiler will be fixed soon and things become easier. My son barely washes. It took about 9 weeks to get his last lot of bedding off the bed. I wish I could just drop a lighted match in his room and have it all sorted. Take care of yourself.

@Isthisit2025that period of having the house to yourself is honestly the best feeling. To go out and know you’re coming back to a calm clean space is wonderful.
I did so much cleaning it was cathartic.
i really hope it’s a turning point for him and you

2w / does he want to be sober and go to detox - is it likely to walk out /leave ?

With a few 'tweaks' your DH and mine could be brothers, so I'll make a few edits.

"Lots of shouting, I’m the problem, <he doesn't have a drink problem> he drinks because I’m so miserable, because I emotionally abuse him. I’ve never done a days <housework> work in my life apparently, he’s had to do everything".

I always worked full time, earning the same or a little more and our pensions are about equal now that we're retired.

As far as housework, I'll admit you could never do brain surgery on my floors but the house was always clean. HE was the messy one with piles of magazines, papers, etc that I was forbidden to touch. Now that I've left, the house looks like a hoarder house and will need professional cleaning when that time comes.

When DH was served with the separation papers (legal sep works better financially for me at this point) he flat refused to contact an attorney believing (I think) that if he didn't respond nothing could happen. More the fool, him. The hearing is next month, he's been notified. My attorney says it's not on me if he's drinking too much and doesn't respond or show up and we need say nothing at the hearing. So if your DH thinks he can stop a divorce, let him. You move forward and let him be the one that has to play 'catch up' to you.

In our case the dog is 'ours' but more his as far as who the dog was more attached to. I didn't plan on taking him but DS2 called me shortly after I left and said I needed to have the dog because DH was so drunk all the time that he wasn't feeding him right and not taking him out regularly. DH ended up in the ER and I came and got the dog whilst he was gone. So at this point, the dog is 'mine'. It wasn't what I planned but it is emotional support and company. He's perfectly content with me and doesn't miss DH (as far as I can tell). DH berates me for 'stealing his dog' but it rolls off my back. I tell him I'd love nothing more than to share the dog but until he gets his act together, that's not going to happen. Dogs here are considered 'property' so 'possession is 9/10ths of the law' and there's nothing he can do.

Bottom line @LavenderFieldds is that you and I know the truth and that's all that matters, so hold that truth close to you. Let them scream and shout about our 'inadequacies' and what we supposedly can and can't do til the cows come home. It's all 'sound and fury, signifying nothing'. Take the steps that are right for you. And when you do, even if it's a small step, really feel your 'power' and every step to peace and freedom.

So yes, you are doing the right thing.

I'm so glad!! Breathe in the peace whilst he's away. Clean away then sit back and enjoy it!

No, we don't know what will happen after. It's a case of 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst'. My prayers are with you and DS.

If I am honest, I don’t know.
He is suicidal most of the time although that is not as full on as it has been. I think he is scared of all the options and outcomes.
They will take his phone, so yes, I am really worried he will walk out.

I know he will find all of it really tricky.

@Hellodarknes55 make the most of the peace while he is away. I hope it helps, but If it doesn't work out, remember you can have better times whatever he chooses to do.

So, DH still in the hospital. The difference between why he's there and why he thinks he's there is pretty wide but it's not my job to make him see the light. But at least he's now coherent, even if he is still in denial. And of course, he'll 'never drink again'.

Yesterday the alcohol counselor who has been working with me (and him when he allows it) sent 2 gentlemen about DH's age who are in the AA outreach program to have a visit with him. All DH had to say was how nice they were and what a nice chat they had. He did mention their sobriety (23 yrs and 8 yrs) but in no way did he relate it to himself.

There's talk of sending him to a facility for physical therapy rehab. As (still) legal NOK it will be up to me to choose it from a list they send me.

I am just praying that the hearing next month gives me some resolution.

Are things done differently as you are in USA @AcrossthePond55

why does dh think he is there

Are things done differently as you are in USA

If you're talking NoK, I'm not sure about how it's done in the UK but I do think it may be different here. In CA unless a PoA has been executed naming someone else specifically, the legal order of NoK is automatically; spouse or registered domestic partner, adult children, adult grandchildren, parents, siblings, finally nieces/nephews. Other states may have different laws.

Even though we're estranged and even after the separation a spouse is still NoK as they are still legally married. This is why I did PoA specifically naming my sons as joint medical and legal PoA. I do NOT want DH making ANY decisions for me and especially I don't want him getting his mitts on my money!! I did double check and it's legal to name someone other than a spouse.

Why does dh think he is there

The reason changes from phone call to phone call. But none of it ever has anything to do with alcohol. Sometimes he just says "I don't know" as a way to avoid discussion. This morning it was "I'm weak and need building up" (which is true). But nothing about alcohol and nothing about hygiene-related issues with his skin. He does acknowledge his drinking, but it's the same half-acceptance of 'I know I drink too much' and vowing to quit.

So head in sand then

No change there, right? The denial is strong in him.

He is being moved today to a physical rehab place although it's just past 5pm and I don't know if they do admissions in the evening. He seems good with it as he knows he does need 'building up'. He also counts time spent in hospitals as 'days of sobriety' so he considers himself 5 days sober. I told him that enforced sobriety where you have no access to alcohol isn't the same as when you can get alcohol and make the active choice not to. I need to remember to just not say anything because there's no point. Plus if it helps him stay sober, then he can call it whatever he wants.

I did choose the place, but honestly it seems as if it's the 'best of a bad lot'.

So quick update. DH was moved on Friday evening. So far so good, although it's nothing to do with alcohol rehab. He seems (as of yesterday evening) as happy as a clam being brought all his meals and walking the hallways as much as he likes. There's even a lounge area with vending machines to 'hang out' in.

Of course his 'happiness' being there may or may not last. But every day he's away from alcohol is a good (ie peaceful) day as far as I'm concerned. He's as usual 100% convinced that he'll 'never touch alcohol again'. Right. What sucks is that no matter how hard I try to keep my feet firmly on the ground about that, there is still that little bit of me that is trying real hard to believe. The eternal battle I suppose.

Hope everyone is having a peaceful and happy Mother's Day. Ours here isn't until May.

What’s the longest he’s gone without booze

@Penguinsandspaniels

Since he went off the rails in March? Well, if I exclude the 'enforced sobriety' of being hospitalized I'd say max 72 hours. According to him his longest stretch since March would be about 10 days but that would be including a couple of 48 hr ER visits and or a few days hospital stay.

If I was to think of 'ever', then his longest stretch would be around 9 months, from when he was diagnosed with cancer to a few months after his treatment was over. He vowed life long sobriety then, too, which obviously didn't last.

He's had periods of sobriety for one reason or the other all of our marriage. But up until March his drinking didn't seem to be a big problem. He'd mostly drink beer and then eventually nod off. If he did show his temper he was always apologetic the next day. But I'm beginning to realize that there were issues around his drinking that I didn't take as seriously as I probably should have. But I'm not going to start chastising myself for that now.