Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

Thanks @Penguinsandspaniels for the invitation. The reality is hitting me now and I’m devastated. I’m so angry with him. Especially as he’s been telling me we have money problems and it’s my fault because all I ever do is spend money. All my clothes are second hand, half the children’s clothes are given to us, I drive a banger, I don’t do anything for myself. And all the time, he’s been drinking hundreds of pounds a month down the drain. At a rough estimate, it’s at least £240 a month, probably more. The things I could have done with that money. The things the children could have benefitted from. The holidays we haven’t had. I can hardly believe it. At least I’m angry enough to divorce him. I’m marshalling support IRL as I’m lucky to have a few strong women around me who take no shit. Also going to start counselling as I can’t do this by myself. Hugs to everyone else here, what a shit place to be.

@LavenderFieldds welcome to the group no one wants to be in - well done for being strong and saying enough if enough

if dh has no intention stopping drinking you need to do what is best for you and the kids

I get it’s hard. As I said on your other thread - I am you 2yrs ago

Thanks @Penguinsandspaniels . Tell me
what’s better in your life two years on - I need some hope!

@LavenderFieldds the above may explain a little so click on it and read

meant dh not db / I obv didn’t read and edit in time

think it’s the peace of knowing dh isn’t going to walk in pissed and start shouting - or start off ok but then pick a Argument over something so small and petty

that he could be drunk but that’s my fault somehow

in hindsight the gas lightening he did was awful / still does sometimes / but I don’t need /don’t put up with it and say to him enough

that dd says we have a happy house now. No shouting or horrible atmosphere

we laugh and sing and make noises playing - without ex having a go

dropping on the floor pancakes as we tossed them and we both cracked up laughing

instead of - why did you do that you fucking cunt - can’t you do anything right

the fact I don’t walk and live on eggshells now and I’ve said before - I didn’t reliese how much I did - till I didn’t

we may lie in bed watching tv /iPads and chilling happily like we did this Sunday am

yes it all comes down to me the childcare and looking after dd but she is a sweetie tbh and thinking about it I mainly did it all myself anyway

I paid for everything - he’s lost his cash cow and he had such a good life with me and now it’s all turned to shit for him - which is also my fault lol

we are just happy now - the house is tidier without his crap in it - he was the messy one - yet used to moan that the house was a shit state / his flat is untidy and dirty and smells

my house is clean and semi tidy as I do like stuff /clutter

just life is better now - yes I do get lonely at times and miss adult cuddles (and sex) and will think about dating once divorce all gone through

dd now almost 9 is clued up - she doesn’t always want to see her dad which is sad but I totally get why

shes hates people drunk if sees them out an about (and yes scary how many are about daytime)

I do have a drink every now and again to show her that people can have a drink. Have one. And be fine

telling his family and mine and getting support helped / they all knew he drank but didn’t know the extend of it and yes I did hide /enable him as didn’t want the shame and split marriage etc

he drank at home but not in public. Or had one in public

but he will never change. He has lost

home
famt
marriage
seeing dd every day
job
van
health

Ofte see no one all week and lost everything imo and still drinks and 2yrs on I know I did the right thing for dd

sorry that was a bit of long woffle but I hope helps you there is light at the end of the tunnel

think someone one here / maybe @pointythings said her kids sang in the shower the day he left an knew they were happy

@LavenderFieldds

I left my DH 8 months ago. I'm not through it all yet, there are legalities still ongoing and emotional things too. I'm not at the end of this journey, probably far from it. But I get to chart my own course, at least for the most part. And there is freedom and satisfaction in that.

But what I will tell you is the incredible sense of peace and calm I have in my little flat. It doesn't reek of alcohol, nothing gets broken because of alcohol, and I have more month at the end of the month because of the lack of alcohol. And I am captain of my own little ship. My ship may be the 'Leakin' Lena' rather than HMS Britannia, but she is mine and she goes where I want her to go. Where she'll end up is still up in the air, but the final destination will be one of my choice.

Get good legal advice is my first suggestion and I can't stress this enough. It's made a huge difference in my plans and my future.

Welcome to the club, as @Penguinsandspaniels has said. We none of us want to be here yet are so glad we are! Having support and a place to vent to people who 100% get it is HUGE!!

@Penguinsandspaniels you’ve just described my life. I could have written that. Oddly enough we were on holiday last week and it was exactly like yours. He did nothing with the children and drank 3/4 of a bottle of cognac on his birthday, the first evening, then at least two bottles of beer/cider every night after that. DS said “I did really well on that” as we passed an activity he’d done, then said “but Daddy wasn’t there to see”. That broke my heart. DH is about to lose everything too.

@LavenderFieldds there are no words to describe how much better life is without an alcoholic., Yes, that was me with DD singing in the shower. But there was so much more than that: a sense of finally feeling safe in our own home, the kids learning to laugh and play again (they were the easiest teenagers ever because if they did or said anything, their dad would explode at them - it wasn't a good thing). The house didn't smell of alcohol, we could have family days out without feeling that there was someone missing because he always stayed home to drink. We were a tight little unit of three people, until foster DS joined us and just slotted in flawlessly - we wouldn't have been able to help him either if my husband had still been with us.

Getting to that point where everything got better was incredibly hard, but so worth it.

@pointythings mine disappears off to see friends from time to time (usually during school holidays so he doesn’t have to parent). I am so different when he’s away. It’s like a weight has lifted. I’ve bought myself a new bed today (FB marketplace!). White, feminine, completely me. It’s in storage at mum’s at the moment, but it’s there. A little bit of my future life. A bed just for me (and DCs and DDog!). It will be such a joy to live my life again.

DH can be very explosive. I put it down to MH (there’s that going on too) but he’s always evil when he drinks spirits and that’s what he’s graduated to.

Edited as posted twice by accident.

Yes spirits is def more evil. Beer he was ok ish. But vodka. A nightmare

it may have been 2yrs since we split - but it also took me another 2yrs to get to that point of no more

Sept 21 started AA Feb 22 has relapsed 2/3 times and I kicked out but took back after 3w as he was repentive etc

back to aa an yes he prob was sorry an didn’t drink for a while but it crept back in tho I wasn’t always sure if had a Drink as he would always deny it

now it’s obvious he has due to slur and Behaviour but rose tinted glasses and living with him I can only say I got used to his slur so if his older kids said he has been drinking I was adamant he hadn’t

now I look back and think how stupid I was and they they must have thought I was mad - as it’s so obvious to someone if you don’t see them every day

I said I would support if honest and relapsed and a few times he did - also got drunk on dd bday March 23 which pissed me off so a year after kicking out the first time

but it almost got to a comedy point of- I’ve had a drink or 10. I’m sorry. Repeat

then the denial of around Sept 23 when should have been 2yrs sober and then drank over Xmas thi said he didn’t but obv did and came to Feb 24 and he was drunk at 330pm and said he wasn and trying to get to beleive the bottle i found was old and then I just saw dd face as he was drunk and something tipped me and thought he will never ever change - he hadn’t stopped drinking sept 21 to feb 24 - he never would and I finally got the strength to say enough

so I get it’s hard. And took me a while and I think I tried so hard to keep the family /marriage together but why - he didn’t care or bother

Can I ask a question? Has anyone taken time off work (for those who do work) due to running on empty/not coping (sick time) I am nearing that point. I am trying so hard to hold it all together. I am going away in 2 weeks for a week. I should be so excited and looking forward to it, but I am dreading it, really dreading it, so on edge about what might happen while I’m away.

Just wanted to know if any of you have taken sick leave. I’m never off sick, but I am seriously thinking about getting signed off😔

I didn’t but only as self employed and work helped me

saying all that - If I felt I needed it the. Yes I would have taken time off

so if you need it go to doctor. Explain and get a sick note

@Penguinsandspaniels This is the thing, it helps me too but as my emotions are literally all over the place, I can be as right as ninepence one minute then ‘paralysed’ the next where I just can’t function. Just like life generally, I am just about functioning and it takes every bit of energy I have just doing the necessary. I went out with a friend on Saturday, I struggled. Distracted and worn out. Trying to keep up with who I ‘should’ be and not who I am at the moment (that wouldn’t be fun!). I was exhausted by the end of the meet up and so glad to be going home😔.

I know all about looking after me, and I know I should focus on myself/my life (I really do try) but maybe I just haven’t got to that point yet.

Sounds like you need some respite and tlc so take sick leave /some time out

I am self employed… it makes it better and worse because if you need time off you can’t have it without losing a lot, so you end up working when you shouldn’t be. I could have done with time off sometimes though.

@Fibblet it is so exhausting. I notice when DH goes away that I have more energy and I also notice that when he’s been particularly difficult I’m completely flattened health wise. Look after yourself. I have been self employed, now back to a normal job. It’s hard when you have to decide between earning and healing but do prioritise yourself. When I was self employed I pushed on because DH was going through a phase of bad mental health - I ended up in hospital for a fortnight and lost a year of work, which pretty much finished my business. Lesson hard learned!

If I took time off I would just be pondering round the house and as se can’t really afford that - esp as I pay for everything minus the £27.50 I get 🙄

Can I come back? I posted a few weeks ago about my DD. TBH this thread scared me. She’s not at the same level as most on here I don’t think so I kind of felt I didn’t belong but I fear so much she is heading that way.
She called me at 6am this morning asking me to get her from Jacks. She was drunk, sad and told me she had cut her wrists.
I got there and it wasn’t bad (her wrists) but she had not slept and has work again at 2pm, has lost her weed (the only thing that lets her sleep) and had drunk half a bottle of Bacardi.
she kept pointing to her head, saying how fucked her brain is, how she can’t cope with feeling the way she does and how she just ‘doesn’t care’.
Jack was with her so I left because although she called me, that was only because he was asleep at the time and she didn’t want to be alone in case she hurt herself even more.
I know I can’t do anything, all I am is kind to her and tell her I’m there if she needs me but my God I am grieving for the child that I once had. I can’t stop crying and wish I could make it all better for her.

@pasandai know exactly what you mean about this thread being frightening because it’s like a glimpse into the future that isn’t going to get better. I didn’t want to hear that. I’ve also tried SMART recovery and despite it being a terrible view of the future there is a lot of things on here and on SMART that really help . If you haven’t is it worth giving that a try? I have only joined via zoom so if it’s too much you haven’t really made a huge commitment.

I might try Smart recovery. I joined an Al-anon meeting for family just after I last posted on here but it really wasn’t for me. Is Smart much different do you know? There is an online meeting tonight I could try …

SMART is very different. There's no religion at all, and its methods are rooted in psychological therapy practices.

@LavenderFieldds This is exactly how I feel. When my DS is ‘ok’ (basically when he’s at work) I feel ‘normal’ then I spiral if I notice something or he doesn’t come straight home from work. I want to work but I don’t. I want to go out but I don’t. I want to socialise but I don’t. Can you see where I’m coming from? It IS mentally exhausting.

@pasanda it is a ‘living grief’ we are grieving for the lives our ‘children’ should be having/had. It is torture. I found Famanon was not for me. Too structured and not the ‘hug’ I needed. There’s no feedback either. I know they are not meant to give advice but at least somethibg rather than after pouring your heart out “thank you”. I just found it all a little bit cold. I hasten to add they are all very nice people just going through the hell that we are on this thread. There is a meeting (smart) online tonight at 5.45. I attend this every Monday.

I’ve said it before but I’ll keep saying it. Thank you to everyone on here for ‘listening’ to me vent, making suggestions knowing exactly how I feel.

I am VERY grateful to you all.

SMART friends and family (online) was really good for me. It helped me to reach acceptance that I could not fix Ex’s addiction for him (and god knows I tried - I was always searching for the ‘one last thing’ I could do for him or improve in his life so that this time he could maintain sobriety). This was so important for my mental wellbeing. The trying to cure and fix were making me so stressed and anxious.

Do try it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain as they say :-)