Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

deleted as I didn't see that he signed the papers

I'm so glad! Hopefully the judge will sign off on it.

Yes, having legal help is worth every penny. An error on divorce (or separation) papers could cost you more in time and money than legal help could ever cost.

My problem is that since DH never responded the judge 'sort of' has to make DH's decision for him by being sure the financial division is equal. Hence, the hearing.

@Penguinsandspaniels On paper we can sound like anything (a bit like a resume) then you read between the lines. Then also face to face you get a feel don’t you, and I’d have thought all these judges have seen some (a lot) of manipulation from solicitors, so you’d like to think they have ‘spidey senses’ almost!

Well at least he’s done his bit, now for the legalities🙏🏼

@pointythings I would have to take leave also, so would rather do PM than AM.

lol. Tho I’m the same. If I want to talk about something I tend to do first week of month as he gets his uc on 12th so 99% sober as no money. Tho not sure where yesterdays bottle came from but

One would have thought

I def prefer the fault version of divorce

and yes tho cost me another £550 on top of divorce - the online company I used is actually very good and they do it all for me so worth the cost

Tho not sure where yesterdays bottle came from

They are slippery. I get notifications when purchases are debited from the joint account (that NONE of my money is in). But sometimes he'll have obviously been drinking when we speak so I think he's starting to do cash back and using cash. Whatever. I never say anything about him buying alcohol anymore. I'm pretty much past that since if I do mention it chances are he'll lie.

Oh totally they lie. I’m not drinking even tho I know he’s brought it 😂

or he goes on about a neighbor who drinks and’ yeah he gets pissed and I don’t hear from him’ and ‘he’s got such a drinking problem’ and I’m thinking pot kettle black

The self-delusion is unbelievable, isn't it? I wish I had that ability to make everything in the world over to my specifications (not).

Uuurgh, here we go again.
After his nine day bender in January, my other half has been sober until two days ago. It’s not like he’s not asking for help- he’s been begging for it. GP, who sent him to an addiction centre, who refused to give him Antabuse because ‘he was not bad enough’ - apparently if you’re sober most of the time you’re not bad enough!! Round in circles, all useless. So he’s been staying at mine, where my rule is not one drop through my door,
then he had a very important meeting with his financial advisor and thought he’d stay one night at his place 15 mins away.
He called me three hours later, and he’s drunk again.
We are almost through the process to get medicinal cannabis as he’s constantly anxious and suicidally depressed and nothing else has worked.
My reaction to this latest bender is to inform him that I’m not rescuing him this time, to tell him not to drive, and then to block him on every means of communication possible. I’m not up for this any longer. We were meant to be at my mum’s for her birthday dinner, meant to be booking flights for a £6k trip to Norway, meant to be taking his yacht for a big service, meant to be meeting a builder to discuss renovating his apartment. This is insanity and I’m lying here at 4am because I can’t switch off the care I have, and I’m worrying that he’s going to die. A litre of neat vodka per day when you’ve got atrial fibrillation is not sustainable.
I get counselling to cope wit he this st the local addiction centre- ironic when I’m teetotal and don’t even drink coffee, and they’ve confirmed he has to deal with the consequences without me always rescuing him.
I wish every day for some stability and someone I can rely on but I’d rather be alone than go through this forever. I think one of the hardest things is seeing that someone has everything… money, time, pretty good health, someone who loves them- and yet they throw it away.
Love to everyone going through this right now .

@Fibblet I have not yet had such a run of sobriety (DS 28) so can only imagine the emotions you are going through rn. Getting your head around not rescuing is so incredibly difficult. I don’t even know what to say/think anymore. The feeling of helplessness is so overwhelming. Living grief. Living in a permanent state of anxiety. Watching someone you love and care for destroy themselves and everyone around them. Helpless truly helpless.

Sending much needed strength❤️

I just went and lay in his bed (he has his own room at my house because he snores and keeps me awake) and sobbed. I don't know if he's ok or not but when he's drinking he's horrible and I can't go there any more. I now have to pull myself together and teach private music classes until 1pm. He's supposed to be there helping me. It's my mum's birthday and I've had to let her down as well. I don't know how to do this any more, the pain is so bad. I could just say it's over, and not see him again, but it wouldn't change anything about the way I'm feeling, I can't switch it off. He had a glittering and successful career as Virgin Atlantic's top airline captain - this is insane.

@Fibblet All I can say to you is that the process of leaving my husband was the hardest thing I have done, but equally it was easier than living with him. I am just over 2 years out now, and it still hits me regularly but overall I know I am coming out the other side.

I still struggle with the feelings that I ‘abandoned’ him, but rationally I know I am in a better place and it was right for me to do that.

I had spent 10ish years doing everything to get it right for him, (moving 3 times, getting dogs, boating when I get seasick, cancelling things when he had a ‘migraine’ ) it takes a while to adjust and realise that isn’t a balanced relationship.

TLDR you will cope and come out the other side if you leave.
Hugs

@Fibblet your post shows the raw pain you’re in and my heart goes out to you, I too find the guilt of ‘abandoning’ STBX and the residual love I feel for him to be the biggest hurdles to my freedom and happiness…. It’s just ‘not me’ , not who I believe myself to be; this person who is trying to escape and find her peace, her joy, without him….. I’m having to be selfish and it isn’t sitting right with me at all.
It is the false narrative of’one more put him first and this time just might make a difference, might ‘save’ him’ ….but sweetie you can’t save him and I can’t save mine!
As others have rightly said, we can only save ourselves and we must, because the truth is they will probably die from their addiction whether we’re there beside them or we’re not…. All I know is that since our divorce process began, I have stayed with family every Saturday night for some space and to try and get him used to managing his worst night on his own… and I have returned on Sundays to broken crockery , blood everywhere from a fall resulting in him breaking his nose , him lying in his piss filled bed, my family photos smashed…. and “see what happens when you’re not here? See what you’re doing to me? You don’t love me you never did, I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU “
@Fibblet, I have no idea how to help you because I can’t help myself…. Please just know we’re here with you and for you xx

Oh @Fibblet - things sound tough. Are you ready to go through the drinking phase again or considering splitting up ?

it’s amazing how their bodies keep going. Ex will drink a bottle of neat vodka a day if has the money

you are enabling him by rescuing him but only you can decide when you have had enough

and sounds like you have but I know the final hurdle is saying no more. I want a divorce

the love feelings do go. 2yrs ago when I said enough I was distraught - saying to friends and family I missed him so much. And I was willing to try again , if he stopped drinking - and even said to myself if he drank at weekends only it would be ok - but deep down I knew it wasn’t and more so for dd. She deserved better then to live in a shitty angry household treading on eggshells - she was 6

time went on. He drank on our holiday in May (split end Feb) and I just knew then he wouldn’t stop

yes it was one of thr hardest things I’ve done but equally we are so much happier , dd and myself - and 2yrs on ex still drinks when has money

yes I feel bad that he drinks more now as no one to control him and he will die from drinking

I tried so hard to help him but you can only help someone who wants to help theirselves

but I def wouldn’t be planning a £6k holiday but go and see mum. It’s her birthday

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 you sound same timeframe as myself

@zeroclucksgiven that sounds awful. You shouldn’t have to put up with that behaviour

@Fibblet I have nothing to add to what everyone else has said to you - and you know all this already. It's the hardest thing in the world to walk away when you still feel so much love for your addict.

But I would ask you to sit with yourself when you have a little time and ask yourself whether you love yourself enough.

@Fibblet

'My' alcoholic is my DH. I left last July and despite his protestations of undying love and how I'm the 'most important' thing in his life he is still drinking. I've cried myself sick, I've begged, pleaded, threatened, and cajoled but nothing has worked. So I finally realized that nothing I do, nothing I say will make any difference. The realization came for me (and will come for you) that this is all on them. They must be the ones to take control of this addiction and deal with it. On their own.

Listen carefully and hold this close: YOU MATTER. Your life, your happiness, your future, MATTER. So put yourself first, do what is right for you. God knows our addicts are putting themselves first.

And welcome to the club no one wants to belong to. We're here for you.

@FIbblet I’d rather be alone than go through this forever. You already know what you need to do and painful as it is, if you don't leave him you will be living with this awful rollercoaster for who knows how long. Put yourself first. You can't save him, and to be honest, neither can his GP. He is clearly not being honest with the doctor if he is being told he's 'not bad enough'. Leave him to it...his yacht isn't your problem. Take care of yourself, spend some time with your mum and book yourself a nice holiday without him. x

Actually he’s totally honest with the GP, I was there. He’s asking for help which they won’t give, it’s very frustrating… sober 90% of the time means ‘not bad enough’ here. I’m not rescuing him ever again, he knows this, and I don’t know if this is why, but after 2 days he turned up today at my music class to help and has stopped drinking without me intervening…. But I’m glad I have my own house, it’s much easier.
I am receiving counselling from the addiction centre nearby to cope, and it’s ironic as I’ve never touched a drop- I’m lifetime teetotal.
They do not think I should leave, but instead think I am doing the right thing with boundaries and my own house rules.
I can see it ending if there’s no improvement but I’m not quite there yet- I know several people who were far worse and stopped drinking, some 10, 25 and 15 years ago. It helps to know these people because some of them DO manage to leave it behind although I know the chance is slim.
Thank you for responding x

Yes some do manage it @Fibblet tho it’s rare

so jan and now March and drinking - so prob will again by May (sorry)

the alcoholic centre don’t think you should leave ? WTF. They can’t guilt trip you like that

and Yes being alone is hard and lonely at times but Jesus it’s much better then living never knowing if will come home drunk and shout and the mental emotional and verbal abuse would start

But never say never. I would like to meet someone else - for company - romance and sex !

@Fibblet

They do not think I should leave, but instead think I am doing the right thing with boundaries and my own house rules.

Well bully for them. But they aren't living this experience, you are. So you be your own judge. We often say here on MN "Anyone can leave any relationship for any reason at any time". And that goes for relationships with alcoholics/addicts. If you don't want to deal with this, then you can break up with him without one ounce of guilt. You are not meant to be his 'savior', nor his sacrificial lamb. And as I've said before guilt is a useless emotion that others put on us to get us to do what they want. Certainly you can have feelings of 'remorse' that you can't help him (because you can't), but you don't need to feel any guilt about walking away from him, should you choose to do so.

Sure, it's probably 'easier' to deal with a binge-alcoholic than it is with an alcoholic that's drunk 99% of the time, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it if it is negatively impacting your life. Ask yourself "How would I be living my life if I wasn't 'tied down' to this situation? What am I missing out on because of it?".

As with all of us, how and what you do is up to you. We have all had to make choices for ourselves that others may not have made. Just remember that a choice is just that, a choice. And a choice can be 'unchosen' if it's not working for you.

Wise words @AcrossthePond55

@Fibblet Your DH turning up at your music class today completely ‘normal’ etc is exactly the kind of thing that puts your head in a spin and your emotions all over the place. I know that when a certain ‘thing’ happens (good or bad) all the decisions is made or were musing on go straight out the window. It is this seesawing that makes me feel I am going crazy, puts me on edge and I feel totally out of control (which is most of the time anyway)

When someone puts doubt in your mind in these situations it really does impact your decision. Take a breath. Leave the emotion out. This decision is to help you and only you, just like your DH decisions (choices) are his.

Thoughts are with you❤️

No advice or wise words but just saying that it’s all appalling and despite everything so hard to see the wood for the trees .

They do not think I should leave... as @AcrossthePond55 points out, they're not living this nightmare. Do always bear in mind that you're not saving him by staying or changing his outcome one iota. Don't let them try and guilt you. Make your own decisions, based not on the relief and joy of him turning up sober but on the fact that you can never rely on that happening. And remember we are here for you whatever you decide.