Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

Till she is ready to do anything all you can do is listen and be there for her

it’s hard with a spouse but it’s a different kind of hard when your child

does she have any other family about ? Partner - siblings - other children or her parents about

@Parrlorwarrior As the mother of a son in active addiction can honestly say it is incredibly difficult. At present my DS isn’t (and never has been), violent or aggressive. He owes me heaps of money and doesn’t give me a penny, does nothing indoors. I have had bailiffs round. I live in constant fear he will die or be physically harmed by his addiction. His mental health is shot to pieces. That is on my mind 24/7, It’s changed me a lot. My work/health is suffering, insomnia is my enemy. I need to make him homeless but I cannot, I just cannot as his Mum do that and I don’t know at what point I have to be at to actually do it.

As frustrating as it is for you with your friend, just try to be there and listen, until you can’t I guess, we all have a breaking point. Like the addict, it is generally close family/parents/partners who are the ‘last man standing’ for them. I do have a couple of friends I can offload to, and that’s all it really is and I say repeatedly “there is nothing you can do but listen and I am truly grateful for that”. I do try hard not to burden those friends, and when meeting up with them I rummage round to find ‘me’ and we generally have a laugh.

Geographically I am in Essex. Originally from the East End @wouldratgerbeunknown

The partner thing is certainly more than enough to cope with . But it is very plain to see that separation is an option. Your own child no .

A meet up in London for some of us looks doable.

@Parrlorwarrior I understand it is frustrating but if you want to be a good friend, just listen and be there for her. I can't imagine how hard it must be when the addict is your child.

@pointythings London is very accessible to me.

That would be nice tho hard trying to find a time as 99% have dd as she only sees ex if im there

tho daytime while she is at school could for me

I'll be there in spirit.

As far as DH goes, nothing much new. He's been to the ER a couple times but was sent home within hours. He's still drinking heavily and swearing each morning that he is going to stop. But there's always a beer in his hand (he freely admits) but that it's his 'last hurrah'. I just murmur neutral things as I've given up on criticizing or reminding him of the past. Saving my breath to cool my porridge.

His DUI hearing is rapidly approaching and I have reminded him of it. He doesn't have to appear but it would 'look better'. I've decided I'm going to attend whether or not he does as it's the only way I'll be able to know the judge's decision. I'm expecting a hefty fine and suspended sentence w/probation and an order for alcohol classes. If he fails to do what he's ordered it will be a bench warrant for his arrest and then jail for (IIRC) up to 6 months. I can see the fine gets paid, but the rest will be up to him.

Would jail be the shock he needs @AcrossthePond55

My 20w are up and divorce papers in. Done the financial and the consent order came back

ivr texted ex and said they are here and can I pop down with them tomorrow

he said yes. I just hope he signs them ……

then send them back. They go to court /judge and if all ok then another 6-8w and hopefully get it back

nearly up to 7mths - takes so long

I have no idea. I'd think if losing everything he prizes in this world isn't enough, why would jail be the straw etc etc.

The only thing would be that he'd be forced to be sober for (mandatory) 6 months. And if he would participate in any services provided.

TBH, after reading the 'typical' penalties for1st time DUI I think he will end up in jail. It says "A person convicted of a first DUI offense with a blood alcohol content of 0.20 or higher must complete a state-licensed nine-month, 60-hour alcohol and drug education and counseling program". Short of a miracle, there is no way he'll attend sessions under his own 'power' for 9 months. If he fails to attend, it's a bench warrant for incarceration.

Fingers crossed for him signing and smooth sailing thereafter.

My Separation hearing is in April. DH has been served but hasn't said anything, who knows if he's even checked the mail. My attorney says that's not my problem so I'm saying nothing.

This hearing is because the judge didn't like something about the financial 'split' we filed. No idea what or why, but that's what I find out in April.

That’s what I’m scared of

judge saying the same

we have clean break and nothing from each other

house was mine and he paid nothing

I paid/pay for anything dd needs as he doesn’t

thi he gets almost as much money in benefits than I do working hard

the system is screwed

i hope the judge agrees

Oh that all sounds so stressful.
I want to congratulate Penguins on the divorce but that doesn’t really feel the appropriate sentiment.
Jail! That really would be an enforced period of zero booze.
woukd that be a relief for you knowing he’s out of the way? Would be a great opportunity to go in and properly sort out any outstanding house stuff.
Sounds like there’s some closure for both of you although Penguins situation is so difficult because of her daughter.
thinking of you both .

and yes I’d be up for meeting up. I do have grandma duties plus my elderly mum to fit in but a cup of tea somewhere central could be good?

Maybe that’s the rock bottom

Congrat me if and when it goes through

harder now as it’s non fault

where sure the judge would be much more sympathetic to me paying an doing if all myself on £27.50 and why I want a divorce if I could say he’s an alcoholic

I think you'll be OK if your H signs the agreement. My problem is that DH has never responded to any court filings nor has he retained an attorney. In the beginning I'm sure he thought that if he didn't respond the case couldn't go ahead. At this point I don't even know if he remembers it. But in our case the judge has to 'look out for his interests' to be sure it's a 'fair split'. If he had signed the papers we would be done and dusted as here a judge rarely goes against a signed agreement unless it's totally one sided.

Honestly, if it isn't, then we all know exactly what 'rock bottom' is for him.

@Penguinsandspaniels How could any judge not agree? Your DD needs looking after and YOU are the one looking after her!

You’re right. System is screwed

It’s so sad and unfair that you both @Penguinsandspaniels@AcrossthePond55never asked or deserved any of this. Your lives are devastated and disrupted through no fault of your own. I hope the judiciary sees sense.

I think a London meet for those of us within reach is probably possible. I can do midweek, but would need notice as I would have to take leave. I am open to PM, so people can message me their mobiles and I can set up a private WhatsApp group.

Well he knows I’m coming down this am with papers to sign

let’s hope he signs

Conditional Order (used to be called Decree Nisi).
• The court reviews the application and confirms the divorce can proceed.

He brought vodka yesterday - not sure how tbh as no money till uc next week - must have sold something

You would be suprised what judges think

on paper I sound mean. He gets nothing / tho you hav to write why an I said house mine and he paid nothing ever

and I pay everything for our child

I wanted to say we have split due to his drinking but there is nowhere to put that now on the legal documents

A week day meet for say 11/12 for 1-2hrs I could do if around Charing Cross area as then can jump back on train by 2 latest and get back to pick up dd from school

but I know that’s all planned around me

Okay well he signed and without any hassle which is good

there was a lot of pages to sign. I didn’t realise how much paperwork there was and the company that I’m using does little Post-it note saying I sign here - and he signs there

even though this divorce cost me extra using this firm - it’s kind of worth doing it knowing that I’m doing it right and if try doing it all by myself - which I would fuck up lol

so yes that’s been fine so I will go and send it off and now it goes to the judge and he says yes or no

I’m hoping obviously it’s gonna be a yes and then I’ll be divorced in about eight weeks time officially