Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

@CharlotteByrdeOh yes life is completely dominated by my DS. I do try hard not to let it. When I am ‘enjoying’ whatever I might be doing I feel guilty for that enjoyment because I think of the pain that my DS might be in. That wipes out the enjoyment. I guess it takes time to adjust to how you manage all of this. I just seem to live in a permanent state of anxiety, that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach.

I know all of this yet I find it so hard to put it all into practice.

The sun was out here today. The warmth, the brightness lifted my mood somewhat until I saw my DS car parked where it shouldn’t have been and a PCN was on the windscreen. This is one of many. My mood flattened..

@Isthisit2025 It must be so very hard. Much love to you. My way of squashing the guilt was to think that my DH, the man I loved and who loved me before the drinking, would want me to be happy.

@CharlotteByrde I think finding a way to manage the guilt (very hard to eradicate) is probably the best way. It’s really not sustainable.

Hello just back for a bit of support ( as always) husband is out of rehab three weeks tomorrow so extremely early days.
dry house as recommended by the psychiatrist and therapist ( I’m actually missing a glass of wine at weekends but if it helps I’ll stick with it!)
He is back at the rehab two days per week.
has a sponsor who he’s meeting with weekly
has been attending AA meetings daily
doing lots of “homework “ set by the therapist and the sponsor.
but I am exhausted waiting for everything to go wrong.
he has to make decisions about work which I don’t think he’s taking seriously at all.
i also think despite adhering to the advice from rehab he doesn’t seem to understand how difficult this is going to be.
he just says “That’s over now. “ which I find very glib
also selfishly I miss going out for dinner planning a holiday all things I do not feel able to do. Although these things have been off the cards for ages I was so embroiled in the horror I never noticed how much of my life has disappeared.I cannot forget the lies deceit and horror of the past year. And I also cannot stop crying. I’ve tried some online support groups but they are so negative that I don’t find them helpful at all. Maybe they will be helpful when he relapses?
Im seeing the friends I’ve confided in weekly which is helpful but I’m still far too ashamed to tell my own family and yet I resent them for not noticing how upset I am .
sorry not sure what I’m expecting from you all

@wouldratgerbeunknown huge sympathy from me. In many ways this is gthe toughest of times because you're expected to make nice and cheerlead for your husband whilst at the same time knowing how fragile and new his recovery is right now.

If you are honest with yourself, are there reasons why you aren't telling your family? Do they have form for being unsupportive when things are tough for you? Because if that's a yes, the way you feel makes complete sense.

You're also stil grieving for the life you thought you had before it all went south. It's been weeks, it's going to take longer than that for you to find a new normal. I'm sorry your online groups have been useless. Are you able to access some form of counselling? I think talking it through with a neutral person might help. And of course you have all of us here.

Thankyou so much . Sorry I didn’t mean the groups are useless I realise I’ll probably be very grateful for them sooner or later just right now I don’t feel able to accept that is my future!!
my family- hmmm they probably alone would take years of therapy to undo. I have an extremely competitive sister and she would act sympathetic but in reality she would be delighted and would enjoy telling the whole world how supportive she is . Or that’s what I think - maybe it’s me who just doesn’t want to admit it to her.Very sad because we were once very close and she’s known my husband as a friend for over 40 years.
Yes re the cheerleading and he’s only just beginning to ask about how things are for me but the therapist said this is normal that the alcoholic can really only think about themself and their potential recovery.
thankyou for listening and I really am grateful to all of you xxx

@wouldratgerbeunknown I don’t think all that angst and fear goes just like that. You are ‘in it’ almost as much as he is. It is very hard to be positive in such a fragile situation but he appears to be giving it his all, so that in isolation is a positive.

You are not selfish for wanting all the things you thought you would have/be doing. Unfortunately our lives do disappear, I think that’s where resentment creeps in.

Everything this that you are feeling I would say is quite normal. I also think I’d feel resentful of my family not noticing either however, people may not want to intrude, they may feel it’s not their business to ask, or even afraid to. Not knowing your family dynamics but I’d expect very close members to at least enquire, especially as you say you are always crying. I also have this with my sister, she knows but she can be quite insensitive at times. This whole crisis has really made me reflect on my approach to others. I’m quite empathetic and compassionate anyway, but I feel I could practice more.

Not all groups are the same, keep trying others. Like @pointythingssays you also have this thread.

Sadly we are all in pretty much the same boat. But we must keep rowing.

I think you should tell your family @wouldratgerbeunknown. You may be suprised by their reaction. - I’m sure they know deep down

but yes this is the hard bit. I rem it well.

they are sober. Stop drinking. Act as if nothing is wrong - meanwhile we are so scared they will drink and lie

Yes that’s exactly it. I know you’ve been through this I remember you saying. It’s quite surreal waiting for the axe to drop.
i feel I’ve told enough people for now my adult children know plus a few friends.
I don’t want pity or platitudes disguised as concern

Oh friend! You are living on tenterhooks and it's no wonder. The things that have happened to us in the past due to their drinking are so deeply etched on our brains that they will never be completely erased. But they are there as a way of 'self preservation' because they also serve as an early warning system.

This is one of the many thoughts that colour my decisions as to the future. IF my DH should ever achieve sobriety (he's still 'off the wagon') I realize that I would have to live with that sense of uncertainty and, yes, fear for the rest of my life. I don't know if I want to live like that. It's something you may want to consider, too. At this point the most I can contemplate is 'being together, living apart' but I know that is just a pipe dream.

Yes, they're very glib with "Oh I will just stop" or "That's then, this is now" but that serves their purpose which is to deny to themselves AND to blind us to the truth that we know to be true.

As you say, it's early days. You don't need to decide anything now. Just remember and honour your own feelings and especially, your own truth. Do not allow your love for him or his 'if you loved me....' make you disregard your own happiness. And remember 'One day at a time'.

We all hope that your DH will be the success story

I guess we have had our fingers burned so many times that we just give up hope and yes even if my ex got sober I’d never get back with him because it would always be the what if I can’t live like that

and the fact I have fallen out of love with him due to behaviour but regardless of that I just don’t trust him and I never will

and never always fear and doubting I’m wondering and that’s not a healthy relationship.

@wouldratgerbeunknown it's such a stressful time. And his comment "it's all over now" would infuriate me. Surely his sponsor has told him that it's no such thing? You don't need to do make any decisions right now, but bear in mind that leaving is always an option, however his recovery goes.

Thankyou all. It’s a cliche but it’s true a rollercoaster of emotions. I saw a very old friend today who I’d told what was happening the last time we met. She’s known my husband very well for over 40 years. We’ve been on holidays together our kids are the same ages.
she was so shocked when I told her but now has had a couple of weeks to think it over and discuss with her husband .
so she was insisting that my husband must have had a nervous breakdown of some sort and that now he’s had “treatment “ all will be fine. I know she was trying to be kind but it just made me feel even sadder about the whole thing. I was thinking of all of you and how you’ve really got to have experienced the horror to understand all the emotions. So Thankyou again for all your support xx

so she was insisting that my husband must have had a nervous breakdown of some sort and that now he’s had “treatment “ all will be fine.

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

You know the truth and you know the statistics on recovery. She's just trying to 'make you feel better'. But when people say absolutely bullshit like that it only makes us feel worse. The road to hell and good intentions come to mind.

Just lean on your truth and the people who really support you in that truth. Her words are just a bump in the road you're on.

@wouldratgerbeunknown To be fair to your friend, she really doesn’t have a clue. Before I was in this situation I’m not sure how well I would have ‘understood’. I firmly believe unless you’ve experienced, however understanding you are, you won’t have a clue, and thank god, I wouldn’t wish any of this on anyone.

I think the problem lies going forward with these friends. Because they really DO NOT understand, you may feel a little (or maybe a lot) disconnected from them. To be honest I am in this situation. My ‘friend’ circle is the size of a pin head. I am careful
who I divulge to, even the smallest of information, because then I have an unrealistic expectation that they may actually care and keep in touch, and when they don’t (realistic) I feel very hurt. I have certainly found the wheat from the chaff during this period. I didn’t realise so many friends were just acquaintances.

As you may have gathered from the above admission, I am disappointed, hurt, and feel very alone.

Oh no I’m so sorry. I think back now on people I’ve known and I really didn’t put two and two together until now. So I have to admit I don’t think I was a good friend either.
do you go to any of the meetings Al anon or Smart?

@wouldratgerbeunknown My expectations are probably too high. Let me stress these are nice people, they just don’t understand how this can affect the way people behave ie not being very good company (sad) not committing/unsociable that kind of thing, all of which I have been guilty of, but which I’d expect people knowing the situation to understand. People do change when going through crises. It’s inevitable.

I have been attending a zoom Smart F&F weekly. It’s ‘comforting’ even with all
that sad stories. It’s just that “I completely understand exactly how you feel and why you do what you do” kind of thing.

There aren't many f2f meetings around here. I much prefer in person, but I much prefer the Smart set up. It’s far more interactive than the Famanon ones.

Where are we all based ? Maybe if near can meet up and talk. We all understand and tbh only those who have been where we are , can truely understand

your friend obv hasn’t a clue. Sure she meant well but ……..

We're probably quite geographically spread, but I'm happy to meet up with anyone who's in my area - I'm in Suffolk.

It would be an expensive coffee date for me I'm afraid. West Coast USA.

My best friend’s son is an alcoholic. He abuses her and last week he threatened her with a baseball bat. She’s had him arrested several times but each time she forgives him. She’s now suffering with her heart. She has an abnormal rhythm. I’m sure it’s been brought on by stress.

I listen sympathetically but I want to shake her and I want to tell her to cut him out of her life. He’s 40, unemployed and has no where else to live. She feels sorry for him until he kicks off again. How can I help her?

@AcrossthePond55that sounds like a trip worth taking!!!
I'm in east London .

Come on over!

My brother and I are planning a UK trip but not for about 3 years. It's a dream of mine. DH refused to fly so I probably would never have been able to go if things hadn't gone the way they have. Silver lining, I suppose.

Welcome. Unfortunately the same is true for the enabler as it is for the alcoholic, You can't make them do anything, they have to want to do it themselves. All you can do is be honest with her and don't let her get away with telling you a 'softened' version of his behaviour or how 'this time' he will change. You can tell her the truth without telling her what to do. Just be ready to 'drop it' if she becomes angry or very upset with you. Hopefully she'll realize at some point that she is in danger. But you know how strong love is for one's children. That 'tie' is so hard to break.

So the police have been involved I take it. Have they ever done any type of referral to Adult Protective Service? (I'm in the US, not sure what it's called in the UK) Does she have other children?

Garden of England here and just a short trip across th ocean @AcrossthePond55😂 - @pointythingsis def closer