Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

@AcrossthePond55 similar. I know he’s drinking. Always will. But as long a doesn’t call /harass /text me shitty stuff when he drinks then so be it

he called his brother last time and ranted for an hour about stuff

will be drinking today /this weekend as got his uc

I am still saddened how it went so wrong and that he couldn’t stop drinking and lost Everything but still drinks

but I guess that’s something I will have to deal with

Sorry about the vertigo and yes stress can def cause it

and I think we are all stressed !

I am still saddened how it went so wrong and that he couldn’t stop drinking and lost Everything but still drinks

I don't know about you, but that knowledge still catches me unawares at times. I know his drinking has caused the ruin of our marriage and the future I thought we'd have, I've known it for months, but still at times it hits me as hard as if I was realizing it for the first time. Then I get so angry because the peace I've carefully built around me since I left has once again been 'disturbed'. It's really only a momentary thing, but I really hate feeling angry. In this situation, what's the point of wasting the emotional energy on something as useless as being angry with them? It doesn't affect them one tiny bit, does it? Not one tiny bit.

You are so right. No point wasting time thinking over it

but I do. Like you do

i put dc to bed tonight and gave her such a big cuddle and said how much I loved her and one day when she was a mummy she will understand the love I have for her

I don’t get how ex could walk away not wanting to see her daily - maybe he misses her. But not enough to stop drinking

she doesn’t stay there any more and that’s as I can’t trust him not to drink and also she doesn’t want to stay there after his shouting and swearing at me

i just get sad how it all went wrong due to his drinking an lying about it

My husband is back but it’s only been 3 days so I really don’t feel that I can make any kind of comment yet.
all feels very fragile from every point of view.

All quiet on the Ex front for me. I’m sure he’ll pop up again in my inbox in a couple of weeks in one of his varying moods or other, but certainly enjoying the peace for now

I’ve been thinking about you @wouldratgerbeunknown. Try and keep expectations small and as much as possible avoid feeling like anything you do or don’t know can change the outcome.

the unexpected moments of realisation and anger are so normal @AcrossthePond55. I don’t know why they creep up on us to disturb the peace we have created post addict. I know I had the RAGE on here about a week ago!!

Thankyou ! I just feel so sad and angry and suspicious. Waiting for the axe to drop.

@wouldratgerbeunknown that’s 3 days sober ? But you are waiting for it to go wrong as you cant beleive this is it

@Nogoodusername that’s good - sounds similar to me - as in it will prob happen

Hi penguins that’s exactly it . I’m just waiting for the disaster to happen.

Is he doing his follow up?

All completely normal feelings!

Even though I experience those too, at this point I think my 'baseline' feeling is one of resignation. I don't wonder if he'll ever get sober, I'm resigned to the fact that he won't. It doesn't stop those other emotions from surfacing, but most of the time it does give me a bit of the peace that comes with 'no expectations'. I'm not always able to keep that resignation, but I can usually find my way back to it.

Just keep your mindset to 'one day at a time'. And find peace in the fact that you do have an escape plan.

Go silent with us if you need to. We'll all understand and will be here if/when you feeling like returning.

Oh bless you. It must be so hard dealing with this with a young child. And you are 100% right in not letting her stay with him.

I know it's hard to understand him not wanting to see her, but it's actually better if he doesn't. At least that's one less battle to fight.

I think one of the other things I've found acceptance with is that DH loves alcohol more than he loves his family. That's a bitter pill to swallow. My brother (in recovery 10 years) has told me that in his 'depths' the only thing he could think about was his next drink, literally. He was consumed with what he wanted to drink, how he wanted to drink it, how good the 'rush' was, where he was going to get it. I really couldn't 'absorb' something being that all-consuming.

I hate the waiting for it to go wrong almost more than the actual going wrong.

Yes I remember the constant waiting for it to happen again. So totally exhausting.

Coming up to a year since DH died. I can't describe the overwhelming feeling of Peace.

I remember how hopeful I was when he came out of rehab. He sounded like himself again, he was eating properly, he looked good.

I got 2 weeks of that, and that was all.

I know exactly what you mean. On one level devastating but on the other such a release. I think it has taken all this time for me to start to relax properly.

I want to stay in touch because I have the overwhelming feeling I’ll be back looking for your support before too long. But at the same time I can’t help hoping.
he's suggested a home breathalyser but I wonder does that just feed back into the whole me policing him thing?
Sorty I am being so selfish I can see how awful things are for all of you bereavement, divorce and all the emotional trauma and I’m just ranting on about myself

@AcrossthePond55 I think he wants to see her more but he won’t stop drinking so he won’t see her more iyswim

yes they love booze more then family kids me etc

how did your brother get sober.? What made him think enough /his rock bottom ?

@wouldratgerbeunknown i get that feeling as I always had it. And as you know it didn’t stop in dh case and why he is an ex - almost 2yrs ago now I kicked him out and still drinks when has money so ……

i really hope your dh manages to stay sober but we are here for you regardless

@BMW6sorry for your loss but I get the peace

@pointythings same tho no rehab but when we split last time for 3w and he was omg. I need to do this. Meetings. Recovery. Gratitude list. Etc

started off well but as you know it’s rarely sustainable unless they want it

You are not selfish at all @wouldratgerbeunknown. We all have our rants and thoughts

We are all behind you and want your dh to stay sober - if he doesn’t you will be joining me in the divorce club lol

breathalyser. I used to do dh. I’m sure Somehow he got round it as knew he drank. Just couldnt prove it

now if your dh wants to get one and make sure a good one. Not £10/20 and prove to you that’s up to him

you will prob be able to tell by his behaviour if drinks or not

if you think he has, he 99% has

The waiting for it to happen again while hoping it won’t while having absolutely zero control over it is excruciating. I actually think it might have been some of the worst days and weeks in the whole awful last years. When he was drinking I had no hope and knew where I stood, but the constant nagging fear I had when he was sober? Debilitating. The longest I got was the last rehab stint - 8 weeks after rehab discharge. It’s actually a year ago this month.

On breathalysers @wouldratgerbeunknown , you could. Maybe for your own peace of mind that when you suspect, it can be proved immediately one way or another. Get a good one and make sure he uses it properly - I have seen someone fake it by inhaling rather than breathing into it. Yes really.

The eating properly thing interests me.

My DH would barely eat anything when he was hitting the drink hard. During his last hospital stay he simply would not eat as much as they needed him to and in the end he was tube fed, which saved his life.

He stopped eating properly again a year ago and died less than a month later.

Is this your experience too all of you? Is not eating a major factor in cirrhosis?

Please stay on here. I find it helps me deal with what happened even though mine died and its over.

I got sick of the policing too. Constantly asking me to hide the bank cards then begging and shouting for one back an hour later.

Rant away you're with friends!

Mine definitely barely ate when he was drinking hard, and what he did eat was junk - not a fresh fruit or green vegetable in sight. This from the man who was a great cook, loved fresh healthy food etc. when I married him.

Heavy drinking pretty much always comes with big vitamin deficiencies and that affects all the systems of the body. Weirdly mine never had any liver issues - what killed him was heart disease encause alcohol hardens the heart muscle.

My Ex barely ate when drinking either. Always assumed it was because alcohol is so high in empty calories that they don’t feel hungry? Fairly common I think as I have seen a lot of gaunt people when in the waiting room of local drug and alcohol services.

I wouldn’t do the breathalyser - it’s not your responsibility to know whether he’s drinking or not and it just feeds into the anxiety and game playing. He just needs to grow up and not fucking drink. (Scuse language - have had enough of alcoholics and responsibilities today).