Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

You aren't being selfish. We support each other there is no 'tit for tat'. Today you need that little extra, tomorrow it will be another member of the 'club'. No one is weighing and measuring how much support each of us has had. And also, in supporting you we support ourselves and learn from each other.

As far as the home breathalyzer, I do think that's policing. It's him making you feel and be responsible for keeping him sober. He should want to be sober for himself. Not because you are 'watching him'. I've been through things like this with DH. It all comes down to us 'doing the work' they should be doing and them leaning on us to keep them sober.

@BMW6 yes when drinking barely eats. When sober would eat 3 meals a day and enjoy them and face would fill out and he would look good and healthy

tho now due to lack of pancreas he often is 🤮 or 💩 as doesn’t take his tablets 🙄

I guess a breathalyser is good when you are unsure of drank and could verify it

if he is happy to do it then could work out as and when

in later days dh wouldn’t do it so obvious he was drinking and now not living with him it’s obv when drunk

I still can’t beleive I didn’t reliese it at the time / his older kids would say he’s been drinking and I would deny it thinking he was sober - I do feel such a mug as it soooooooo obvious now I’m not with him

he was yesterday when he rang about something - I missed the call and called back hour or so later

it’s the distinct slur in the words and I’m knew he had

i didn't say anything as what’s the point and he would deny it

as long as i dont have to see or speak to him if gets shitty so I replied with what he had asked and then said no more

@Penguinsandspaniels

I think he wants to see her more but he won’t stop drinking so he won’t see her more iyswim

I get it. But I think it's kinda the same thing. He loves the booze more than he wants to see her. But you are doing the right thing in keeping her away. Not as a 'tactic' to make him change, but because it's keeping her safe.

how did your brother get sober.? What made him think enough /his rock bottom?

It was when he ended up in a psych hospital and was on a legal involuntary hold. He hated it but they also provided treatment and counseling for the emotional causes of his alcoholism. He began to be honest with himself and accept responsibility for his drinking. And he determined never to have that happen again.

As far as how, at his discharge he went into an intensive outpatient program for about 6 weeks, every day for 6 hours which consisted of classes on alcoholism and group sessions. Then 6 more weeks at weekly for 4 hours He also found a good counselor to work with individually. And since AA was too 'religious' for him, he started attending meetings with an organization called 'Life Ring'. It's a smaller organization than AA and is basically "You find your own path to sobriety and we will support you on that path".

The thing about my brother is that he never denied he was an alcoholic and he always wanted to quit, he simply could never quite figure out the 'how'. The involuntary admission shocked him enough to make him be honest with himself about not making excuses and accepting his responsibility.

But another big thing that helped him was that around that time I stopped enabling him. I was forever 'babysitting' him and doing the work of finding rehabs and support groups. I finally got help for myself and told him I was done doing his work for him. I also told him that I would not speak to him nor be around him if he was drinking. And when his 'crisis call' came I was 3000 miles away on holiday so I couldn't have helped him if I'd wanted to.

We were both forced into doing the right thing. Thank you God!!!

Well I was lied to today. It’s not a lie I really care about, no emotional reaction to it. But it was a bit manipulative as it makes him seem in a good light, whereas the truth is a rather more feckless. And just the fact that here we are lying pointlessly still, even after a year and half off the booze. And it’s the lack of honesty with himself.

Also makes me feel as if most of what he says to me is just what thinks I want to hear.

Makes me just want to put a load of distance between us - previously spiralling lies have signaled the star of a relapse.

It’s also the lies that got to me

admit you are drinking. Don’t lie about it

so your man is sober @Edithcantaloupe

Abstaining @Penguinsandspaniels but white knuckling it imo and a lot of denial. I get hopeful and then I don’t.

@Edithcantaloupe you are wise to be wary of the lying.

When mine relapsed two weeks after coming out of rehab, the reason I immediately triggered divorce proceedings (other than the ultimatum I had handed out and needed to hold firm on) was not the relapse into drinking. If he had come to me when I got home and told me straight out that he had relapsed, and that he had found a meeting for the next day (it was 10pm by that point) and that he was contacting his rehab for follow-up, I would have accepted that. Relapse is part of recovery.

He didn't. He lied. He lied again and again until I found the empty bottle of cheap um in his backpack. The relapse into lying was what told me it was over.

Yeah - in this case the lying wasn’t about drink but it was completely unnecessary and I find it’s usually a bit of a fuck you being directed my way.

@Edithcantaloupe@pointythings @Penguinsandspaniels

The lies make me feel physically sick. It’s almost like a panic attack. I don’t trust easily anyway so it’s doubly worse.

They are lying to themselves though, not just us.

Tho 18mths sober is good

Very true about the lying to themselves. And it’s so important in recovery to accept where you have fucked up - even in a minor way, and just own it. Otherwise it suggests your ego is too fragile to go there and that isn’t going to end well.

Yeah but unfortunately of the wagon is fallen off for even one night then that’s it - there’s no option to repent at leisure the next day. Its doesn’t end without medical detox.

Omg. The same

denied he was drunk even tho it was even obvious to me. Lied that the bottle I found was an old one - I knew it wasn’t as checked his hiding place only that morning / if I hadn’t then maybe would have believed was an old one - as could be so convincing - such a good liar as cokes so naturally

but def knew he was drunk

its the lying. I said I would support as long as truthful

ex wouldn’t know the truth if it hit him !

They lie about anything and everything

if can’t even be truthful about something simple and innocent …… then how the hell can we beleive them when it’s over drink

@Edithcantaloupe they actually believe their lies. Some of the lies have been very plausible too. Then you remember who you’re speaking to…

Oh totally. You get to know your limit

and the straw that broke the camels back

This again

ex actually believes what he is telling me - his family etc

jeez they are all So alike 😢😢😢😢😢😢

I try not to ask questions anymore. It’s futile . The answer is Almost certainly a lie.

And this is why we leave. This is why we stop enabling even if we don't leave. This is why bit by bit we learn to protect ourselves.

Yeah. The lying is what destroys the relationship isn’t it.

I have been in denial and most probably still am to a degree. So I guess I have wanted to believe those lies too. But I’m learning. With each lie and sneaky behaviour I’m learning about me. Unfortunately this is my ‘D’ S so I can’t leave and I’m not ready to tell him to.

Yes the lying is almost worse than the drinking. Well imo

i think we are all in denial to begin with. As don’t want to think of live without them or that it wasn’t a good loving perfect relationship

Rose tinted glasses

@Isthisit2025 I get it’s a different relationship with parent and child v husband and wife

My DH would lie even when I could see the half empty bottle by the side of the sofa where he was sat - and he knew I could see it!!!!

I thought I would go mad.

I agree with @Penguinsandspaniels about the lying almost being worse than the drinking.

It always made me feel like "You must think I'm pretty damned stupid!" because their lies were usually pretty easy to see through. It felt insulting that he not only thought so little of our marriage, but that he thought I was stupid and gullible, too.

I think it is because we have always come from a place of assuming there was honesty in our relationships. That we wouldn't lie to them therefore they wouldn't like to us. Gee, I guess I was gullible! s/

I find the lying worse as well. When he’s drinking the pattern is always the same. It’s messy, stressful & chaotic but predictable. The lying has me on high alert unless I can get physically distanced from it.