Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

Honestly, don't feel awful. If 'our' addicts/alcoholics had cancer or, as I have often thought with DH, dementia we would nurse and care for them tenderly, and with all the strength of the unselfish love we have in our hearts for them. Instead we are forced into a situation where to use those instincts and emotions does nothing but anger us (rightfully), deplete us, and break our hearts over and over again. And so where we want to love and give, we have to despise and be selfish which is the opposite of what our 'being' is telling us to do.

I will say that I think to have an alcoholic or addict child must be 1000 times worse than an alcoholic partner/spouse. I admire your courage and you and your son are in my prayers.

Go breathe that air. I plan to do the same a bit later.

Sing it Sister!!!

What I always get is 'if you really loved me....', 'a loving wife would....', 'this shows you don't really love me....'. Which is pretty much the same as 'if you were better' or 'if you were kind'. All self serving bullshit that is designed to manipulate and guilt us into sacrificing ourselves on the altars of their addiction. No thank you.

But just try to say "If you really loved me/If you were kind you'd stop drinking" and see how fast they turn on you.

hello all. Haven't posted for a bit as I am seriously struggling and only have enough bandwidth for work. My DS is not good at present.

Just a question. There is mail for my DS piling up unopened, these will all be fines/debt recovery service etc most likely. Has anyone ever dealt with this? What to do? I don’t have (and wouldn’t give anyway) any money so I don’t intend paying or getting involved. I was just wondering whether to ‘return to sender’ or ‘not known at this address’. Any advice would be appreciated.

I wish you all well. I’m sorry I haven’t read all the posts, I am mentally depleted.

He is an adult and the debts are his. Ideally he would contact a debt support charity like Step Change, but that may have to wait until he is in a better place.

Returning them wojldn't achieve anything though - the letters will just keep coming.

You may want to contact Step Change yourself on your son's behalf for advice from people in the know.

https://www.stepchange.org/?gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=12348298313&gbraid=0AAAAAD1toAhZ1rBNIua0J3L3hs1ojDsdM&gclid=Cj0KCQiA4pvMBhDYARIsAGfgwvygWwEznRR3WYUn8N7KprHnCWGUL_AGyVzqynW3ubSrJ3cWUnBkruUaAvRjEALw_wcB

@pointythings yes agreed the debts are his, but he doesn’t engage. Won’t open them so they don’t get sorted. He knows all about Step change but like I say, ignores. I have called a mental health helpline (who were too busy to answer which is telling!) tonight as I think he is having a breakdown (I am not far behind).

Ultimately he has to do this himself, I cannot force him.

I shall leave the mail.

They are all the same

I now start to open dh post that comes to me - he hasn’t lived at mine for 2yrs but stop haven’t changed his debts /credit cards from my address 😡😡

I ring them all up and say he doesn’t live there anymore

so yes do that

@Penguinsandspaniels thank you

Definitely ‘not known at this address’ as his debts could impact on your credit rating. Happened to my parents with a lodger

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

My situation is 'similar but different' as it's my DH and I'm not living there. However I do go check the mail as there is occasionally something for me that gets delivered.

If he is there I just get things addressed to me out of the mailbox and leave. Usually there are a few day's worth as he doesn't bother to go to the mailbox. If he's gone, I'll take the mail inside and put it on his chair. Whether he pays the bills or not is not my problem

Could you put them in a big envelope and mail them to him? Otherwise, just put them in a box and set them somewhere you don't have to look at them all the time.

@Edithcantaloupe I thought it was now the person rather than the address? I know years ago it was on the address. I’ll check that out thank you.

@AcrossthePond55 He lives with me unfortunately. I don’t know what is worse, him living here or not. He has nowhere (and no money) to go. As much as I want to I’m not quite ready to chuck him out. I honestly think he is mentally unwell and not just due to the drugs. I feel I need to step in with a mental health service, obviously only if he will engage. Thanks for your kind words.

It should be the person but having the same address can sometimes cause problems. Which can be sorted but ball ache to do so.

Although hopefully systems are better at separating now.

I he lives with you then I guess you can’t do much other than ensure debts are in his full name etc

@Edithcantaloupe Just went on to Experian, your credit rating will only be affected if you are ‘financially associated’ ie joint accounts etc. I do get a regular credit report and it all appears ok.

Then I'd just slip the bills under his door. 'Our' alcoholics/addicts have to rise or fall on their own.

I understand about not being able to toss him out. It would be the hardest thing on the planet for any parent. You'll know if/when the time comes for that. Trust yourself.

Ah that’s good news. Agree to slip under door. Consequences need to be his

Much love to you @Isthisit2025. Agree with @AcrossthePond55 that it must be massively harder when it's your child who is the addict. I thought I loved my husband dearly and we'd be together forever but eventually realised that actually, my love was conditional on him behaving like a decent human being towards me. Taking out loans in both our names, driving drunk, swearing/breaking stuff/violence killed my love stone dead. It would be very different if it had been my child.

Same

amazing how they manage to kill our love isn’t it

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. It is invaluable, and what I need right now.

We are all here for each other 💐

@CharlotteByrde The pain of watching your child in addiction is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, it is indescribable. Your natural parenting (especially a Mother I feel) instinct is to protect/save/rescue, and addiction ‘protocol’ (for want of a better word) says do the opposite. Equally watching the car crash of a loved one especially the Father of your children is devastating. The impact on your children, their children etc etc. It’s the ripple effect.

Every day is uphill, even when I’m ‘enjoying’ my day it is not pure enjoyment, it is always tinged with sadness no matter what. I carry a very heavy heart. Broken, shattered. A shell of a person. Angry at the world.

I hear all your painful experiences. I have no words of wisdom (yet) I just send you strength to be able to keep doing what you’re doing every day. The world doesn’t see the inward struggle we have every day.

Hope today your struggles are that little bit lighter.

PS I saw some beautiful snow drops yesterday, spring flowers bring such joy.

Hi Across the pond I cannot work out how to read your message on this new app! @AcrossthePond55

If on the app you can’t read /see messages

you need to go to desktop to see messages

annoying but the downfall of the app

I was thinking it was very quiet on here. Which means all is good and peaceful for all ?

Not being able to DM on the app makes no sense to me!

Was just hoping that all is going well.

Things have sort of quieted down for me @Penguinsandspaniels . I know he's drinking but for whatever reason he's leaving me alone and not answering my calls which is actually not a bad thing. The only reason I'm calling is because he hired a man to mow our pastures and he hasn't been paid. DH got the bill, I only know because of the 'answered ring' on the Ring doorbell. Not my problem I guess although I feel bad the man is being stiffed.

This is possibly a coincidence, but I developed bad vertigo when he was in the psych hospital and things were so up in the air about him coming home due to financial implications for me if he didn't. He came home Friday and as of yesterday it has completely disappeared. I googled vertigo and apparently stress can cause it!

Fingers crossed that the others are experiencing a period of peace, including you!