Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking - thread 4

[pointythings]

I'm about to head out for the morning routine and given how active our thread has been I felt I had better provide a new one.

Link to the previous thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

Hello everyone
We had a meeting with our son and the local cessation place. They now have funding in place for his residential detox and he will go in the next 4-6 weeks or sooner if a space comes up.
They said it will definitely be 2 weeks but there might be funding for longer. They also talked about the follow up plan after he leaves.
We are all a bit shell shocked that is so near on the horizon after such a long wait. My son is mostly concerned that they will take his phone off him and only give it to him for contacting us. He is completely and utterly attached to it all the time so I know it will be hard.
I remain unconvinced that he will actually stay there.

At times I have so much hope but also know the chances of him relapsing are huge and I have been trying to mentally prepare.
Also been trying to get us all nearer to an alternative housing situation for him should the relapse occur. Getting prepared so to speak.
So worn out with it all and anxious.
Not sure I will have any molars left with all the nighttime grinding going on.
sigh 😕

My husband did a month in a private facility in Spain. It was about 10k if I remember right, plus all the logistics of getting him there. On one level it worked for a while and for about 6 months I would say he was fully sober. But what it did not cover was addressing the why of the drinking, and he did not join in any of the group activities because they were in Spanish (despite us having been told they supported people in English). I tried to talk to him after about how we would manage stressful events , and to try to suggest he found support locally, but I was blanked on all of that, so although I do believe deep in his heart he wanted to stop, he could not find the willpower to do the hard work, and admit to anyone other than me that he was an alcoholic.
After the event and his eventual total relapse he would tell me that he enjoyed the time - and got very cross when I told him I didn't think that was the point!

I’m really pleased that there is finally a date in sight for your son’s detox/ rehab stay. Hopefully they can get funding for longer than 2 weeks so that he can have a longer treatment and clean period and you can also get more respite.

it’s true that the really hard work takes place after rehab. Every day is very hard work, especially in the early weeks. It would be good to try and find out what relapse prevention support can be provided locally. Other than that, it is a case of trying to manage expectations for yourself: hope for the best, prepare for the worst xx

They did talk about it and a lot depends how the detox goes. He might come home medicated and he will go to the cessation place regularly on return but you are right, he will need so much support.
I will ask that question again.
He thought he would only be there for a week so 2 weeks felt like a massive relief but hopefully they might give him longer. There is so much to sort with him though. Mental health is really awful.
For a long time we were only focused on getting him to detox. Not realising what comes after. This path is just the worst.
no point hoping but then you have to have some hope to carry on.

That’s good news @Hellodarknes55

So, DH goes home this morning. At the doctor's request I went in and got rid of any 'visible' alcohol but as I explained to him and DH I wasn't going to tear the place apart looking for hidden alcohol. I'd 'turned off' his ATM card since his phone and laptop were sitting in the empty house and DH asked that I keep it turned off until he 'needs groceries'. There is frozen food in the fridge and 'shelf stable' food for probably a week. If it helps him get through the first days because he can't purchase alcohol, I don't have a problem with that. But I also told him and the doctor that I wasn't going to argue with him about turning the card back on and that I'm not 'babysitting' his alcohol purchases 'from afar'. 'Between y'all and me', I'll know about them from bank alerts, but I will say nothing. He has to start taking responsibility for his choices.

@wouldratgerbeunknown I'm defo thinking about you, and I have a feeling we'll be leaning on each other (and everyone here) quite a bit come 'Monday'. I just have a 3 day head start on you!

My DH is still drinking often a bottle of wine a night, seems stressed with his work (self employed) tax returns and the like.

I am struggling with the stuff he says at times after drinking like he 'might as well drink himself to death' due to thinks we have done in the family, such as my illness, or spending too much time online for example.

I know it's not a good idea to argue with a drunk, but any ideas on how to tackle things like that.

I'm guessing he is sort of projecting, turning blame on others? Not sure.

At Christmas his mother told me if I don't like it, I should leave. But why should I be the one to leave the family home over this?

I like the spare room idea but we have two teens who have the spare bedrooms, I could go in the lounge though sometimes I suppose.

It's so stressful isn't it. I have ME / CFS which is triggered by stress and I think it makes it worse. Then he goes on about that being the cause of his drinking. Like a sort of vicious cycle. I have been in a flare since the Christmas arguments and find the anxiety and stress around the uncertainty difficult to deal with.

I'm on various meds including antidepressants, gabapentin to deal with it.

On the post upthread about getting a break - I had a gym membership and that was a good way of getting out, can't use it at present due to the ME / CFS. But the pool and sauna are relaxing.

@Orangesandlemons77 I just finished my tax returns without once resorting to drink. Everything he says-the blaming work stress, your illness, family, even the "I might as well drink myself to death" is just an attempt to justify his drinking to himself. Arguing with a drunk is pointless and exhausting. Also, his mother can butt out as she isn't the one having to live like this.

@Orangesandlemons77 you need to learn the art of the grey rock. Nothing he says has any meaning, it's just the rantings of an alcoholic who can't take responsibility for his own bad choices. Tune him out. And keep enjoying the swimming and the sauna, you deserve those moments of relaxation.

Thanks for the replies. Yes I will keep grey rocking. I'm very low contact with the mother in law now which helps a bit

@Orangesandlemons77 you can’t reason with a drunk EVER

sorry to hear you have me/cfs

they always blame someone else for their issues

theres Always a reason

Well my sisters, he didn't even last the ride home.

I only knew because I got a 'denied charge' alert. Then he tried to finesse his way out saying he stopped 'to get cash for the driver'. I said, so you were going to tip the driver $76.00? Did you forget I get alerts? He then admitted that he had cash & bought 2 beers. I asked why he didn't use the cash to tip the driver. "Because I wanted the beers more".

I've turned the card on and told him to go drink himself into Hell.

@Orangesandlemons77

You can see from my post I'm probably not in the best place to give advice right now.

I'm just going to welcome you to the 'club no on wants to belong to' and echo the above PPs. You can't reason with a drunk so you just have to ignore their words and grey rock. But don't ignore behavior that is destructive to you and actions that directly impact you and/or your finances. And especially not your children.

I did the spare room thing. But it doesn't stop them from shouting at you through the door. And how long can you really take having to sequester yourself or keep having to move from room to room to avoid them.

I chose to leave when it got too bad. I left our home of 38 years pretty much without a backward glance and just a duffel bag of clothing and necessities. But that house had become intolerable to me and I was sick of locking myself away to avoid his diatribes. I'm in a flat (our DC are grown) and I have a calm, peaceful, and quiet home now where no one is drunk and abusive, I can do what I like without criticism, and I have no fear of the future.

So my suggestion is that you see a solicitor. Find out what separation or divorce may mean to you. You'll probably be told the same as I was, that leaving does not affect your ownership of the home. You can buy him out, let him buy you out, sell it, whatever. The fact that you have DC at home does complicate things. Educating yourself about your options doesn't mean you're going to 'do anything'. I just means that you know what you can do, should you choose.

But again, right now I'm very 'worst case scenario'. Although the truth is that they very rarely stop and things just keep getting worse.

Remember the 3 Cs
You didn't cause this
You can't control this
You can't cure this.

Also remember the 4th C
You CAN take care of yourself.

@AcrossthePond55 I am so very sorry. I know you probably didn't have more than an atom or so of hope, but this is beyond bad.

I'm just glad you are in a safe place of your own where you can keep building your detachment until you're legally and financially detached.

@Orangesandlemons77 I know your home situation makes it very difficult for you to leave the marriage, but I would ask you to try to be open to the idea of ending it and gaining your freedom.

@AcrossthePond55 I’m so sorry. That’s crap and so selfish (we know drinkers are)

so was a total waste of money and time of rehab

as soon as left he drank

tho I could say the same for dh. Few weeks in Hospital for something irreverent and therefore sober and as soon as home he bought vodka

they are all the same

so what happens now ? You have own flat. You don’t need to see /be with him tho if a joint account he will drain this drink and wait for the divorce ?

@Orangesandlemons77 how old are your kids ? It’s hard kicking dh out and being a single parent and working

but 2yrs on honestly we (dd and I) are so much happier - tbh within 5/6mths I was happier. Yes missed him but not the drinking shouting swearing etc

@Penguinsandspaniels

I separated finances (taking exactly half) and filed for a legal separation last Fall. Financially in the long run that will be better for me than a divorce. Any debt he's incurred as of the date of separation is not my liability. So if his insurance doesn't cover it 100% of this wasted stay, that's on him. I can't close the remaining joint account without his agreement so I didn't bother to ask him once my attorney told me that his debtors cannot touch my sole account. None of 'my' money remains in that account.

So now I just sit in my happy little flat living my life waiting for the separation to be finalized so I can get the house sold. What happens to him after that I really don't care. I expect he'll either drink himself to death or he'll take a drunken fall and kill himself. Maybe I'll feel more charitable towards him tomorrow but right now the love I still feel for him is just numb.

"they are all the same"

I was thinking that as a was perusing the thread this morning. It occurred to me that despite some of us living in different countries or being at different stages we could each probably be plunked down in one another's lives and we'd be able to start living that life without a bump in the road. That's how much commonality there is in a drunk's behaviour. Sad to contemplate.

It’s very sad to contemplate and we want them to beat the illness and I do get it’s an illness but they also have to some extent control and decide each step of the way

they think about drinking. Decide to drink. Go to shop to buy the drink. Once bought they still have the choice to open an drink it or not

and repeat

I’m in the middle of doing financials so have a clean break. Sent it off. Have think 3w now while it gets done.

20w is up next month so hopefully both agree and sign again and think it’s another 12w after that

why does it take so long 😢

I will never ever ever marry again an it’s too costly emotionally and financially to get divorced

I’m really sorry @AcrossthePond55. I know you were very realistic about what his discharge might look like, but drinking on the drive home is epic levels of shit. My Ex walked straight out of a £16K 28 day programme into the pub on his way home.

All I can say really is solidarity. Enjoy that lovely peaceful flat of yours.

Yes, the patterns are all so similar. I know mine thought he was unique and all his life experiences made him ‘special ’ and somehow meant the rest of the world owed him and had to make allowances for his crap behaviour. It is in some way reassuring to know in hindsight that he was not.

Gawd. It’s so hard reading about these people who left detox and went straight to booze. Ugh.
It would be easier if my son had cancer and I do feel awful saying that.
😭
Love and light to you all my friends. The sun is shining here today and I plan to go stand in it and breathe.

This is actually one of the things that I hated most about Ex. He really thought he was a ‘special’ addict, whose addiction was driven by far graver/ more unique circumstances than anyone else, and he couldn’t possibly be expected to recover in the same way that others could. No one understands me, poor me, bla bla. The rage quit from one detox was because they didn’t molly coddle him enough.

maddening.

Needing to get some of my rage out of my system today clearly! In a recent Ex missive, one where he is trying to sound calm but actually comes across as a text book narcissist; he informed me that both me and his ex wife are unkind people to walk away from someone in need, who just needs a little bit of support. I sacrificed myself at the altar of your addiction for YEARS and where did that get either of us? Me a wreck, and you on continual relapse. “Unkind” - it’s not school!! Anyway, he is going to show us both that he is better than us by rising through recovery. I can’t wait for that miracle to never happen

Oh I get it. My husband’s last text to me while we were together was ‘I just wanted some kindness’. That was while I was locked in a bathroom on the phone to 999 after he had hit me, spent an evening raging and smashing crockery and poured a bottle of wine over me. Yep he was special.

@Nogoodusername and @Userccjlnhibibljn8
just read both of your last posts…. I, like you and probably many of us on here have had to endure the audacious and quite frankly deluded “I can’t help my addiction, it’s an illness and not my choice/fault, and neither is the abominable way I’ve treated you and spoken to you and hurt you over and over again. If only you had been ‘better’ at caring for me I’d be well. I’m a victim of my past/present trauma and you didn’t help me enough “
it’s sooo hard to hear and it really shouldn’t be, but we appointed ourselves their crutch and it still hurts (me) to hear I failed, even if it’s only STBEXH who tells me that.
stand firm ladies… this is a boat you are not sailing alone xx

They're all like that. We have to be kind and nurturing and selfless and we have to completely ease ourselves to pander to them. They have dispensation to shit all over us.

The addicts I know who are in recovery acknowledge this thinking.