On a mission to moderate or absolutely abstain (judgement-free zone). New thread - Autumn 2025.

[ForeverTipsy]

Hello, here's a shiny new thread for us all - took the liberty after gaining permission from The Original OP @nowstrong! Please tag anyone from the last thread I may have missed...hopefully you can all find us here...

@horrorfan81 @BezMills @hohofortherobbers @addictforanex @alertcat @harriethoyle @StrongLikeMamma @LillyPJ @ohthejoysoftoddler

is it better a) to stay completely abstinent Friday evening (bearing in mind I can struggle with stopping once starting!) or b) try and achieve moderation with a pre-set limit? And if I do a) how do I reframe that so I don’t feel like I’m missing out…

I think I would find (a) easier, but greater risk of FOMO and not enjoying the evening so much as a result- particularly if the others are hilarious-drunken-shenanigans type of drinkers. If they’re natural moderators I’d find it a bit easier to abstain.
If (b) I’d need to guard against drunk me throwing caution to the wind, and not sure what that guard would be. Maybe just being very mindful- but then if you are with shenanigans types you might as well abstain…

I’m going to go with, it’s your friends who will guide your choice. Shenanigans drinkers, you might struggle. I would. And then I would be exhausted and go to bed early. Natural moderators, much easier to moderate alongside them.

I agree with all this! I’ve got some friends that I’d have no hope of moderating with and some who I know will never have more than a couple of drinks so I could easily moderate by committing in my mind not to drink any more than they do.

Thanks @DoubtfulCat and @nowinetimeforme - excellent analysis which is helpful! The friend I know best is a natural moderator but I fear her relatively new bf might be slightly hard work which runs the risk of escape route wine 🤣 I think I’m leaning towards abstinence on Friday with early gym as a good excuse then having some drinks Saturday night but trying to flex my resistance muscle and not go overboard… I’ll report back!

hello everyone 💗 and welcome to the newbies on the thread.
just reading over the posts you’ve all put I thought I’d just put my two pence in too.
Ive never been an every day drinker but when I drink I drink. This usually leads to being drunk, usually saying things I wouldn’t usually say, forgetting plans I’ve made or promises I’ve made, waking up feeling sick, anxious and unmotivated.
I gave up drinking last year for 3 months and I can remember saying to my husband that this is the most content I’d felt since being pregnant (probably because the toxins had completely left my body, my anxiety was at its lowest and I felt good) however I went back to drinking thinking I could moderate. I’ve the year it’s crept up again. Don’t get me wrong there are times where I’ve been out drank and come home merry but happy and not out of it but there’s been too many times where I haven’t been able to stop, friends have had to help me home, I’ve not remembered things I’ve done and said and my anxiety is back at its highest. On Monday 22nd Sept on the most awful hangover ever I decided that now is the time to completely quit. I know I can’t moderate, it takes far too much head space and planning and it makes me feel uneasy as to how the day/night in question is going to go. I’ve not drank now for 11 days and had my first sober weekend in a long long time last weekend and it was great. I didn’t even have to think, I’m also trying to lose weight so actually enjoyed my food rather than saving calories for wine. First no alcohol weigh in tomorrow 🎉
everyone is different and it will take trial and error to see what works for you.
Hope you’re all well 💗

Well done @TiA303091 , all power to you.

i’m not buying wine this weekend. Stating it here to keep me accountable. If I want a drink I’ll have a whisky and it’ll be after 8 (and then bed by 10!!) so time-limited.

It’s 9.25pm on a Saturday and I have hosted a dinner party and I am stone cold sober!! Started on the tanquery zero and never looked back 😇

I’m pleased with the weekend. I have had a glass of whisky on all three nights but only the one (large, but still). So I have enjoyed my drinks and stayed well under the recommended weekly limit, and no hangovers.

I’ll still have wine on holidays etc when I let my hair down a bit, but quite excited to think I may have cracked my wine witch. Going forward it’ll be a beer and/or a whisky, rather than 2/3 bottles of wine on a Friday and often a Saturday too. And tea in the afternoons instead of starting on the wine at 5 or 6pm.

That’s great @DoubtfulCat - a real breakthrough. I had a similarly optimistic thought this afternoon when I opened and enjoyed one of those individual serving bottles of wine and then went back to lilt. I think this will be a marathon not a sprint but my Drinkaware app is saying that this weekend was within recommended limits and I’ll take that.

Hey all. Back again... 🤦‍♀️
Weeks off the booze, drank Saturday, it's now Monday morning & I'm still so anxious!
Hate this feeling. But seemingly not enough to stop drinking 🤦‍♀️

Those who've stopped completely did you because you made a fool of yourself? Does that make sense?
Was it a final blowout that you just felt too ashamed of!? Or a gradual 'I can't keep doing this'.
I feel like there's peer pressure to enjoy a drink 🤦‍♀️ remarks if you say you're not bothering.
I'm mid forties, why am I bothered what others think. 🤷‍♀️

@ERN79 welcome back. I’m back again after just over a year. I quit when my dad was on chemotherapy a year or so ago to a) support him and b) so that I was completely with it should he need me any time of day or night. I did just over 3 months and it felt so easy because I was doing this for him. Over the year my drinking has crept back and with already having anxiety (perimenopause) the alcohol always made it ten time worse the following days. I decided to quit this time from a particularly bad drinking weekend. I drank on the Saturday night which was pretty normal but drank a lot and was drunk, woke up in the morning feeling ropey but had a birthday meal for a family member at 2pm. My solution to getting through it was to drink more. Before I’d even left the house I’d had a large glass of red wine (which I hid from my husband and my kids, 🚩) at the meal I sank wine like it was going out of fashion but it made me cope with the hangover symptoms. After getting home the night was a complete blackout. My husband told me how I was acting, they even had to call my dad to come to our house because they were worried about me (I’m almost 40!) the next day I had a raging hangover, I could barely stand up, my anxiety was crazy and I couldn’t even go to work. I knew it was time to stop. Alcohol was just doing me no good anymore and I wasn’t a moderator like I thought I could be. ive not drank for 15 days now. It’s not like someone’s waved a magic wand and I feel absolutely fantastic but I definitely feel better than when I use to drink. I don’t have that worry anymore.
i Have 3 close friends who know I’m quitting and they are really supportive and obviously my husband is also supportive. I do feel like they are thinking “oh her we go again, how long will it last this time” but I feel different this time. This is it for me now xx

@TiA303091Hi! Well done on stopping. Thats an achievement in itself.
I drank Saturday, just at a friend's house, a fair bit but didn't do anything wrong or behave badly. I just have crippling anxiety after I drink. And I just dont feel its worth it. But am also afraid to say to friend's that yes I'll come to whatever occasion but won't be drinking as I'm worried about their response.
Why do I care! 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️
I'm on my way to work now fighting my brain & trying to overcome the anxious feelings! Its just not worth it is it!
Did you have a conversation with your husband, admitting it was a problem & that you wanted to stop?
I feel quite ashamed that I feel like I can't handle drinking anymore & am worried about 'confessing' if you understand that 🤦‍♀️

@ERN79 I’m not abstinent but after a similar blow out to @TiA303091 i talked to DH about needing to “recalibrate” my relationship with alcohol - which is what I’m doing. He’s been really supportive and the conversation was easier to have than I expected. I’ve talked to a few friends about it , ahead of or during nights out and everyone has been really supportive and respectful.

@ERN79 i really do know how you feel with the anxiety. I wasn’t an every day drinker. Maybe once or twice a week but when I drank I found it hard to stop. I’d start on my usual wine but by the time that had gone I didn’t care what I drank. My main reason for stopping is that I don’t have an off switch which leads to me drinking too much and much leads to bad hangovers which leads to my anxiety being through the roof. I spoke to my husband about it and basically just said that! I need to do this to help with my anxiety. Drinking serves no purpose for me anymore, it just makes me worse. I’m a better person without it completely. It is a huge step because even now I worry about all the social events coming up over the next few months with Halloween, I turn 40 in November then Christmas but in a way I’m quite excited to be fully present and enjoy every moment without worrying about the hangover and the anxiety the next day. Plus I’ll remember everything. What is it you’re worried your friends will think? When I’ve socialised with friends when I haven’t been drinking I actually realised how little they actually drink, I just didn’t notice before because I was drunk 🤷‍♀️ 💗
@harriethoyle that’s so good that your husband and friends have been supportive. 💗

@TiA303091@harriethoyletthank you.
Sounds like you've a good support system.
My husband would be supportive, we take the mickey out of each other. But he'd support me.
@TiA303091you sound very similar to me. I can't moderate well. I manage to moderate for a while but then it goes out the window.
Regards friends, they're all generally big drinkers. I've had a few sober nights with them where a few comments have been made about the fact I'm not drinking. But unlike you I've just looked at them & thought Christ is that what I'm like as they get quite drunk! And do it regularly. I drink maybe once a month, they do it a few times a week.
I don't know if its even friends that I'm worried about. Or if its actually myself & admitting to myself that actually I can't cope with it & I need to stop it.
I don't know! I'm in the post drinking anxiety pit at the moment & just struggling.

@ERN79 and @TiA303091

It's similar for me, the hangxiety is real! Good luck both of you.

I went out on Saturday with the drunk friends group but it was easy to be sober as I was too drive DD home. Less easy was putting up with the din of people chatting drunk loud. I think if I'd been out out later with them, it would have been hard not to drink.

Edited double post

Hi everyone! I am checking back in - I joined a week ago and I've had half a bottle of wine in the last week. I think i've probably been averaging about 70 units a week recently so feeling pretty positive about that. Shouldn't really have had the half bottle to be honest (it was left over from when when a friend came over the night before and I was on the AF beer), it totally buggered up my sleep (apparently even small amounts of alcohol when you usually drink a lot can trigger you body to release large amounts stimulants to suppress the expected depressive effects of the alcohol; when your body doesn't get as much alcohol at it was expecting you feel wired and anxious like you would do normally if you had drunk loads).

Hope you are all doing ok xx

@ERN79 There's definitely peer pressure to drink. When I was going out for the evening with a friend and told him I'd not had a drink for over 3 months, he said he hoped I'd be drinking when we went out because he didn't like drinking alone. It wasn't really my problem but I did feel guilty somehow that I was spoiling the evening for him!

Hi everyone, I've been reading & relating to lots of the posts lately. Day 22 of being totally sober for me this time. Here are my reflections;

Every time I have a dry spell for more than about 14 days, something clicks and it gets easier.

I am lucky that none of my friends are heavy drinkers (I used to hang around with some, but don't any more). I too have noticed that when I go out sober and my friends are drinking, they tend to drink verrrrry slowly, and only have 1 - 3 drinks, max. They have that "off" switch I lack.

Everyone on this thread should be feeling SUPER proud of themselves. Whether it's because we've reduced our alcohol by a little, a lot, or altogether. For a short time or a longer period. We are ALL doing better than we were. Progress over perfection.

I've noticed there are a few of us here in our 40's and peri-menopausal. Not to derail, but I'm currently researching whether I may or may not have ADHD. I listened to a couple of Dr Louise Newson podcasts today about the two, and so much made sense, especially regarding anxiety and ruminating when I'm premenstrual. I think I used to drink to excess to try and switch off my too-busy brain. When tracking I definitely noticed an increase in alcohol consumption the week before my period (and therefore recognised I needed to find a healthier coping strategy).

Wondering if anyone else on here is ADHD or suspects it? Many people with ADHD have addictive tendencies and have abused drink and drugs in the past. Just a thought...

Hope it's OK for me to join in. I'm 3 days sober.

On Friday I had a routine appointment with GP practice nurse (not alcohol related) and was totally surprised that she took bloods. I asked what they tested for - glucose, electrolytes, lipid profie, protein and liver function! Shit! Of course I'd not declared what I actually drink (I'm not overweight and I look like your archetypical 'naice' lady in her 60s)

In reality, I've been drinking heavily for a long time - half a bottle of vodka 4 or 5 times a week (in secret), plus half a bottle of wine about 3 times a week (over a nice dinner with dh). I think that's about 80 units per week I know that is terrible.

I know I have an alcohol problem - I have for years, interspersed with periods of sobriety. Despite the amounts I drink I'm pretty functional, no bad behaviour, no vomiting, not really any hangovers. I know that this a bad sign of how high my tolerance is, and how hard my poor liver has been working to detox my system.

Of course I have the post binge anxiety, and rarely remember late night conversations with my dh, which is indicative of black outs. He is oblivious to the vodka drinking. I know this is a red flag for my alcohol behaviour to be drinking in secret I feel ashamed of myself.

I spent Friday in a panic about what the result might show. It was the shock I needed and I haven't had a drink since then. I get my results next Friday and I'm dreading what they will say. I'm scared.

@sobermotherwelcome! And well done for getting to say 3. You will start to feel better soon and also sleep better. The panic and fear you are feeling is also worse because of the booze - as your body starts to rebalance you will feel less overwhelmed and more able to cope with whatever the Dr has to say. Our bodies have amazing abilities to heal, the important thing now is that you give it a chance.

Please go and buy some b-vitamins and double dose from now on. I don’t know the exact reason why it’s important but when we stop drinking we are at risk of something bad happening to our brains and vitamin-b (and lots of it) is protective.

Do you know why you drink? For me it’s an escape, mainly. I have small kids and I can’t do a lot of things I want to do (and used to do) so I have a couple of glasses of wine (but it got to be a bottle most nights).

Try not to focus too much on the results - this is an opportunity to make some changes. X

@LillyPJso daft isn't it that we're worried about peer pressure at our age 🤦‍♀️ But definitely understand where you're coming from with your friend.
@ForeverTipsyI definitely think I am perimenopausal. Few symptoms of it, and this anxiety has definitely worsened in the past few years. Never used to get 'the fear'.
Still not right now after a night in on Saturday 🤦‍♀️ Not worth it at all!
Hi @sobermother! Try not to make yourself ill worrying about the test! Its done & you can't go back in time...don't we wish we could! You're looking forward! Good Luck!

@ForeverTipsy ive not really looked into adhd but may have a little research now you’ve said it. My anxiety is quite bad anyway without alcohol, some days are worse than others and I’ve noticed if I’m busy I don’t get the feeling of anxiousness but the minute I’m sat doing nothing I feel anxious, it’s almost like I can’t relax. When I was drinking, on a hangover even though I felt rough I’d keep really busy all day and totally exhaust myself. Worth having a read.
@ERN79 how are you feeling today? These past couple of weeks I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts whilst walking the dog, I’ve bought a giving up alcohol journal which I find really helpful, and I’m using the reframe app. It’s a lot to take in so I only do maybe one or two of them a day usually in the evenings as I work full time. I would definitely recommend as I could relate so much to a lot of it. I really hope you’re feeling a bit better 💗
@sobermother well done on your 3 days so far! That’s fab. It must have been a shock but it is what it is and sometimes we need things like that to happen to make us think. Please keep us posted 💗
@nowinetimeforme i totally forgot about the b vitamin thing. I did start taking them a while back but think I may start again.

I had a lot of thought racing through my mind yesterday thinking maybe on my birthday I could have a couple of drinks as it’s a special occasion, then I read through my journal and remembered how it makes me feel! Why would I put myself through it on my birthday. It’s weird because once you’ve had a bit of time off it the memories of how it makes you feel start to fade and you think oh maybe I’ll be ok now but the reality is I know how dreadful my hangovers are and that will never change.
well done everyone on their journey so far. You’re all doing amazing 💗

@TiA303091I'm ok, better than yesterday but still anxious & churned up. I've not been sleeping well & this hasn't helped that. I'm in work again today so that will help keep my mind occupied.
I was texting a new friend on Saturday & I'm beating myself up over that, and that I should've stopped when I'd had a few drinks 🤦‍♀️ Nothing bad per se, just waffle really! But late on. And now I'm thinking she must think I'm a crazy alcoholic 🤦‍♀️ Stressing about seeing her in the next week or so.
When in reality I'm hoping she saw the messages & just thought 'she's had a few' the end! But of course my mind is catastrophising that she thinks awfully of me & that its going to be awkward.
God the power of the kind is ridiculous isnt it!

@ERN79 we’ve definitely all been there haven’t we, and the anxiety won’t help your thoughts at the minute but give it it time and you will be able to rationalise the thoughts. If the boot was on the other foot what would you think? I know I’ve had texts from friends when they’ve had a few and thought nothing of it.
im glad you’re feeling a bit better today and as the week goes on it’ll get better. You need to just be kind to yourself and give yourself some time.
I struggle with sleep sometimes too and especially after my blowout the other week.
I don’t know if it’s just psychological but I bought some lavender pillow spray, some lavender balm and some lavender bubble bath then have chamomile tea before bed and I seem to be sleeping better. Like I say may be psychological but it’s definitely helped one way or another. 💗