Support thread for those trying to lead an alcohol free life - Autumn 25

[Lavrander]

Hello and welcome!

This thread is for anyone who is genuinely trying to live an alcohol-free life. It was first set up by @drybird and has grown into a safe, supportive space to share thoughts, ask advice, swap experiences, or simply check in as we give up and keep off the booze.

There’s no judgment here – just kindness and encouragement. Whether you post every day, once in a while, or just read along quietly, you’re part of the group. Many of us have found this thread invaluable, whether brand new to abstaining or years into AF life.

Wherever you are on the journey, someone here will have been there too. Don’t be shy about posting – we love celebrating successes of all shapes and sizes, and we’ll support you through the tougher times as well.

The only thing we ask is that your aim is complete abstinence. If your goal is moderation, there’s an a long-running thread for that in this board that will be a better fit for you. That doesn't mean that slips don't happen, and we'll support you in picking yourself back up and carrying on, cheering you on as you do.

Living alcohol-free isn’t always easy in today’s world, but it is absolutely worth it. And you don’t have to do it alone – we’re here to help each other realise just how good AF life can be.

I've just read that thread, @WendyWagon, and it's sobering, isn't it?

Shipmates, I'm a bit worried, as tomorrow I'm going on holiday with friends who all like a drink, and we'll be together pretty much round the clock. Last time we were away I thought I'd 'just have a couple to be sociable', but it ended predictably. Nothing like as bad as I used to be, but definitely more than a bottle in a sitting. I don't want to do that again, but I can feel the permission thoughts nagging me already. I can do sober holidays with no problem, but this is a holiday with drinking friends, not Husband, and I think it will be different.

That sounds tricky @ShyMaryEllen, how long are you going for?

@ShyMaryEllen that is hard. I went to a hen do recently and didn't drink, and the way I managed it was to tell everyone in advance that I'd been advised not to for medical reasons. It helped to flag it to everyone. I think I would've caved otherwise.

Wrong and Strong - love this thank @elusivehope and thank you for sign posting to that thread @Womanshour.

@ShyMaryEllenI hope that as they are your friends you won't feel pressured. However I totally get that feeling of letting other's down by not celebrating the holiday with them. It's a ridiculous belief that we just have to acknowledge and get over. It's the friends and the environment that is the good thing, not the addictive substance which will make you feel sad, anxious [insert any horribleness here]. I'm certain you know all this, it's why you are here. Cheering you on.

Thanks, chums. We'll be away for a week, but all together for all of it, which is why it will be difficult. I can't just head back to my own space when things get a but too much. I will have my own room, but in a lodge, rather than a house or hotel, and the communal area is right outside.

As I say, I've been away sober often enough before, but things are more difficult since the diagnosis differences, and this is a relatively new group of friends who don't know the history (and I'm not ready to share it with them) so it just seems a bit more tricky than it needs to be.

Sorry @ShyMaryEllen - it sounds tricky. But I think you need to “choose your hard”. Yes, it will be hard being with a group of people who are drinking a lot. But it will also be hard if you end up drinking every night. Which “hard” is preferable?

If these people don’t know you very well, then you could simply say “I don’t drink alcohol for health reasons”, or even “I don’t drink alcohol” and remain an enigma! That is part of who you are, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. (It will however get dull as everyone will try to justify their drinking to you).

Practically, I would make sure you have plenty of AF options, and that you have a good waterproof coat and boots with you. That way you can always escape outside during the day.

And watch your thoughts very carefully- these days I find a quick shutdown works quite well “no, you don’t do that any more” when my brain tries to be “helpful”. But you will know what works best for you,

Good luck, and keep posting!

Morning all.

I'm hoping for a fantastic Friday.
I'm off to see two farmhouses today. Both converted. One has chandeliers so that'll do fancy me.

I ordered 'mother root' yesterday after watching it on Dragons Den. They had a starter pack with tonics.

Good morning - and good luck with the viewings @WendyWagon - it's an exhausting task!
So I'm ploughing on, holding on to the positive thoughts and what I'm gaining, thanks to you lot. Another morning with a clear head feels good!

What is it you are most worried about @ShyMaryEllen ? Is it others expectations and views about you? Or the temptation its self? Or something else?

Ive had a funny week. A family member not in good health diagnosed with cancer, my dm finding a lump in her breast and being referred to the hospital. The general stress of a house move and the joys of pmt associated with perimenopause. Ive really struggled with the fuck it button. I've not pressed it, and found that threat yesterday hugely helpful to keep focused.

I think the fuck it button i am pressing is weight loss for the weekend... sometimes something has to give x

That all sounds terrible, @Womanshour. I wouldn't blame you for eating All The Cake.

I think what I'm most concerned about is my own resolve, but I plan to have lots of AF options when we're away, and have suggested that people bring their own drinks, so it should be easy enough to just open a bottle and stick with that.

I really like what @Onewildandpreciouslife said - choose your hard. It’s definitely easier these days just to say “I don’t drink” and leave it at that; friends should understand. But of course they don’t always, even though they should. Personally I have no problem with saying I have a drink problem/am an alcoholic - which shuts down any discussion, but I totally get that I’m a bit of an outlier in that respect! For me it’s to do both with my acceptance of who I am, and losing the shame around it. As I said though, I do understand that that isn’t an option for many people for many reasons, and I support anyone’s decision not to give reasons. And I can see that the revision of your diagnosis will muddy the waters in terms of your resolve. Playing the tape forward always helps, plus carving out space for yourself whenever possible. I hope you have an utterly fabulous holiday and find peace in however it goes. Have fun!

I’ve just said I’ve had a couple of health scares lately and I’m choosing not to drink for the foreseeable. I’ve had a few incredulous “are you not even going to have one?” Outbursts but most people are projecting aren’t they.

I’m on day 23 today and for the first time had such a good sleep, I actually woke up feeling fairly refreshed which is unheard of. So that’s my positive and I’m going to really hold onto that. I’m also half a stone down which is great and much needed.

Ah that sounds tough @Womanshour, what a lot of fronts to be battling. I concur with @ShyMaryEllen, eat all the cake. And again, play the tape forward, especially in relation to the house move. How much more awful it would be with the anxiety hangover. Actually pretty much everything is worse/unmanageable with an anxiety hangover! I seem to be offering the same advice to everyone today, so please try and carve out time for yourself. Supporting other people is tiring and stressful and one needs to be in the best place oneself to do it properly. A weekend of being kind to yourself and actively seeking out relaxing and pleasurable things to do, in whatever form that takes, sounds like a jolly good plan. Cake, chocolate - any poison you like, except one! You’ve done so well to get this far and you are worthy of reward - if that’s in the form of sugar, so be it. I personally swear by it 😂

@Womanshour that sounds tough and I definitely think indulgence in another area is needed. Do something you enjoy x

I bet the hardest bit will be the lead up, and the first moment people drink. Then you'll be fine, and enjoy it without the hangover!

Thanks. I actually think you've hit on part of the issue. I have been so busy that I haven't had any time for me for ages, between work and moving so I need to find something for me this weekend.
Sounds obvious... harder to follow soemtimes but will have a think x

Happy Friday mes cheres!

@FaithHopeCarnage I like your advice about self-care, a bit of self-indulgence even. My railway mission to purchase the black trousers yesterday was successful! Like @WendyWagon I just received some back pay I was owed, and have been spending some of it on clothes, which is unlike me. There are plenty of other areas where I tend to spend compulsively, sigh, but I dislike clothes shopping (I think it's about poor body image). So I have several new outfits now. I had a moment last night of worrying about whether I should have spent the money, but nah, it was the right thing to do! If I feel happy with what I'm wearing, I'll feel more confident at work. Also, I now have some clothes that correspond to the size I actually am, not to the smaller size I keep thinking I'll go back to 🙄

No cravings at the moment, which is wonderful; I will just enjoy this feeling. @FiloPasty I'm glad you're experiencing good things right now! Well done on day 23.

@Springadorable @Swimfreak it's interesting that so many of us work or used to work in education. It's stressful and I think one reason for it is that it's not just a 9 to 5 job; you bring the work home with you. As you said springadorable, it's great when colleagues share resources. I've shared my own with others on many occasions; it creates good karma.

@Womanshour I saw that thread about the dead brother. Heartrending stuff. It also sounds like you're firefighting on many fronts - all my sympathy! As everyone else is saying, it sounds like a very sane idea to relegate weight loss to the background right now.

@ShyMaryEllen thinking of you on your holiday, which sounds like it will be a sobriety milestone. Remember you don't owe anyone an explanation, even friends, unless you feel like giving them one. I hope you have a lovely time.

Happy Friday indeed!
I have the parents up this evening. They drink a lot. I'm wavering about whether I should give them the wine from the back of the cupboard or just tell them if they want to drink they should go and fetch it themselves. After reading that thread yesterday I'm feeling conflicted about enabling it but also at least it's not in the back of the cupboard anymore.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time @Womanshour. Have some time for you if you can. I'm the queen of trying to find 'things' to replace my previous weekends. Baking has definitely stuck although perhaps not great for the diet. I did try making kimchi as well but that literally took 5 minutes..!

Looking forward to hearing house updates and also delighted to read of the completed mission of the black trouser.

Weekends are always the tough times but we are paying it forward. Stay strong x

New habit formed, when cooking I now pour myself a large glass of water. It’s starting to become second nature. One day at a time, Friday is just another day and it doesn’t mean opening the wine.
I’ve also gone back last night to Slimming world. I like the focus of going each week. I genuinely want to be healthier and happier :)

I'm home, straight into PJs so I think I'll be ok. Thanks for the kindness ❤️

Good morning me hearties.

I'm waiting on the mother root AF drink today. Saturday delivery very quick.

I'm much better today health wise.
We looked at one cottage yesterday and a farmhouse.
The farmhouse has ugly plastic windows but boy was it a whopper inside. Two utility rooms and a ladies only cloakroom!
You could have a snooker table in the second sitting room.
Proper farmhouse kitchen. And a stair lift!
The DH loves his utility rooms (he does the washing). He'll be measuring for dolly maids.
Still a working farm next door but that doesn't worry me being a farmer's granddaughter and all that.
I've seen prettier but not easier and it's on the outskirts of our village. Definitely in the running.
My chandelier is going up today, yey.

@FaithHopeCarnage i admit to having a drink problem too but it did take me a couple of years. I was so ashamed but now if someone asks I say I have no stop button and I become silly or rude. Best not and all that.

We are the lucky ones. We've stopped drinking. I couldn't read the post re the brother. Mine died two and a half years ago. Had he not been a drinker he might have lived. Still too raw for me my friends.

Morning all.
Hope everyone successfully navigated Friday night.
I am still waiting for a date for surgery which is very frustrating, especially as I’m having issues which the surgeon thinks is a result of the last surgery and probably won’t be fixed until the next surgery. Gah! Took it very easy yesterday which kept the pain at bay.

The good news is I have a therapist appointment! The one I found had a 6 month waiting list but a slot has come free. So that will be interesting…

After saying I’d had a great nights sleep, last night I had the most vivid weirdest dream and in it I took loads of drugs (I haven’t touched anything like that since the 90’s and moved on to alcohol to quieten my busy mind) so even though it was a dream I’ve woken up just feeling really annoyed with myself , or my subconscious!
urgh hope everyone has a better start to the weekend.

Ah @FiloPasty - the wild dreams! Your body is getting the best REM sleep it’s had in years, and it shows up in the vivid dreams. It’s a sign you’re healing, although it can be a bit startling!

@Onewildandpreciouslife thank you, that’s made me feel a bit better x