Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

Signing in, thank you @pointythings , these threads have helped me on my path so much. X

Signing in too!

Me too. I think mine is starting to come out of his drunken state. This is the time to stay strong!

It's good to see that you are thinking about your situation and considering the possibilities.

Signing in too. Mine isn't drinking at the moment but it never lasts so watching for triggers and signs for it starting again. Meanwhile trying to think what I want the future to look like. Thank you for the new thread pointythings.

Signing in too.

I'm currently in the process of divorcing my husband and trying to find somewhere to move out to. He is still drinking and attempting to hide how much, it's very sad to see. I know he would now say that he drinks because I have left him but actually he is drinking less than some of the "happier" times.
I do have times where I still question my decision but my gut tells me that this is the right thing to do. It's hard that the kids are involved though.

Also signing in, to be here for/with those coping with alcoholic parents.

Thanks, as always, @pointythings

Checking in as well. Previous thread has helped me to end my relationship with an alcoholic boyfriend and i am much happier for it now. I feel like i dodged a bullet and learned a lot along the way too.

I’d like to join, please. My brother has lost everything including his family, job, health, home and continues to drink. He has end stage liver failure and nerve damage that has left him barely able to walk, he’s at deaths door and not yet 50. I managed to get him a flat after he was discharged from hospital last time as family can no longer house him. It’s horrific but since then I have had to detach for the sake of my own wellbeing and family. I wouldn’t wish this illness on my worst enemy.

Welcome! I'm thinking of you @Dryshampoofordays. It is so hard to watch a loved one destroy themselves and I am so sorry you're going through this pain. I found this stage a constant, nagging stress, no matter how hard I tried to distance myself and I often found myself wishing it was over, and if he was going to kill himself he'd chosen a quicker, less agonising method.

Checking in. I expect I will be a lurker hope that's ok, it's still kinda new but for me it's a parent, decompensated liver, about 18 month diagnosis. In hospital currently for related significant internal bleed. Also struggling with the other parent who is an enabler.

Welcome new people. So sorry you are in this hell.. I currently have no contact with my alcoholic relative, and the relief of that is wonderful, but I know one day the phone will ring, and I will have to deal with it again.

Thought I'd pop in here.. I've woken early this morning from a bizarre flashback dream. My mother was an alcoholic, pretty much all of my childhood after my dad passed when I was 7. There are some horrid memories of her passed out having fallen down the stairs and so on.. somehow the dream was like a reel of all of those incidents. Me waking up reminding myself I can't be like my mum 😕 the damage it's done is lifelong.

@stoptherideplease I feel the same, and as I get older I feel more comfortable and secure in the knowledge that I am not like her. I no longer drink, but it's not just that. It's things like being grateful for what I have in life, staying interested, choosing to live well, wanting to be connected to my little circle of people I love. I do feel the damage sometimes. But it gives my life more direction and meaning now. Not wishing to sound like a Pollyanna here! She died six weeks ago. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings, and I'm grateful that all of this energy seems to be pushing me towards what's good, not what's bad. You're not like your mum and dreams like that are one of your brain's ways of expressing it and making sense of it.

@Sunsparkles I'm just so sorry. That was always my nightmare. My dad enabled, there's no denying it. He was sent half-mad by the everyday stress and constant crises, and couldn't see it until after she died. I really hope you have people around you to support you – or that you can now start to reach out, if you haven't already. Carry on lurking if you like, but know that there are people here who understand. Sending you love and strength.

I didn't know about this thread.

I might be considered a bit of an interloper as my DH doesn't consider himself to have a drink problem - but his drinking definitely affects my MH.

He loves drinking. Up until about a year ago he was drinking probably about 50 units a week - not daily drinking but on days he drank he would drink a lot so it adds up.

He then had a check up and found to have extremely high BP. He was put on meds and the doctor didn't even ask how much he drank, but I'd read that alcohol affects Bp, so he agreed to cut down.

For a few months he was being really careful, and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted as I spent so much time worrying about him and how much he drinks.

He says he's still keeping an eye on it, but he's clearly slipping back into old habits and I am now feeling like I was before. He's not a horrible drunk, he causes no problems but I just hate it. I drink myself, but only socially. I find sitting there sober at home with him when he's drinking really uncomfortable, especially when he's had more than a couple.

I suppose I joined the thread because I'm made to feel like I'm being unreasonable for even thinking about/worrying about his drinking habits.

@overindulged 50 units is health hazard territory and you're right to worry - and your husband absolutely does have a problem with alcohol, because one of the criteria is whether people in his life are worried about his drinking, have spoken to him about his drinking and whether there have been medical concerns. All of that makes him high risk, he doesn't have to drink daily or be an awful drunk.

It's harder to make decisions in that situation though, especially if your relationship is otherwise OK. The only thing about functioning alcoholics is that the vast majority over time become non-functioning alcoholics - so keep an eye out for that.

Welcome to all the new people on the thread. I'm sorry you're in a situation that brings you here, but this is a safe space for you to speak and find support.

Hi I’m in a similar situation. I guess my partner drinks somewhere around 27 units a week, a couple of cans a night. He doesn’t even seem drunk but I think he’s alcohol dependent in that he uses it to relax. It scares me stupid. He has ASD and chronic pain. I just don’t think I can deal with alcoholism on top of everything else.

We’re relocating with moving trucks coming this morning and he went out last night til gone midnight and then was sweating in the bathroom until 1:30am but wasn’t sick. He was functioning this morning to my surprise. I changed our plans because I wasn’t comfortable of him driving the kids with such little sleep. I think this was such a shitty thing to do but he thinks it was just one drink too many. I’m sick of being made up feel this is my issue.

He's down to about 25 units a week most weeks, which is still over the safe limit but better than what it was.

We've had a bad week this week 😔 I just find it exhausting worrying about someone so much.

I've reached the point several times over the years when I've felt like calling it a day, but apart from the drinking we generally get on well and have a nice life.I was out with a friend today, who divorced about 5 years ago for similar reasons. Due to the fact they have dc together she still has a connection with him and she said she still worries about him a lot. It made me realise that even if we did go our separate ways the worry wouldn't be over.

It made me realise that even if we did go our separate ways the worry wouldn't be over.

That is a very valid point. My late husband was much worse than yours - there's a link to my story somewhere in the previous thread and if you want to read it let me know and I'll PM you the link. Suffice it to say that after he left the family home with police involvement, I absolutely did still worry about him.

Because he was so much worse, life without him was a night/day transformation - it wouldn't be like that for you. However, there's a balance to be struck between constantly living in fear and losing someone you love with whom you have an otherwise good relationship. That's a movable feast - if he maintains at 25 units a week that is IMO livable with. If he starts to drink more and that accelerates, it's a different story.

You may still benefit from support from Al-Anon or SMART Family & Friends just to clarify things in your own head with help from people who have been where you are.

Hi everyone checking in. My exh is an alcoholic. I left him 5 years ago. He is a sad mess now and has lost everything.
I had to get way from him for my sanity and the ds future.
I've turned a corner now in that I don't worry about him anymore.
HD made his decision to live like that.
It was a living nightmare and I am now free.

There is hope.. but you have to leave. An alcoholic in denial cannot be saved.

@Doubledded123 that was a big issue I had with AA. There was so much talk about setting boundaries but staying together, It isn't realistic, especially when kids are involved. It was, as you say, a nightmare and I often felt I was going slowly crazy. When we finally got him to leave it was such a blessed relief.

I agree that AA and Al-Anon are far too focused on keeping spousal relationships intact. I suppose that comes from their religious foundations, but it's unhealthy. The group I now run uses some AA concepts but we have explicitly moved away from the idea that we should push 'stay at all costs' - the people who join are adults and they are well able to make their own decisions so we push nothing.

@pleasecomment welcome, and I'm so sorry. Do you have a family of your own and good RL support? Ultimately what matters is that you preserve your own wellbeing and sanity here. I'm sure you already know that you cannot help your family members and that getting dragged into their drama will only hurt you. Your focus will need to be on making a life of your own that includes as little of them as possible. Please do stay here and vent, this is your safe space. Nothing is too shocking, it can all be said.

@pleasecomment Oh poor you ...your childhood must have been so difficult You're right that standing back is all you can do, and is also the right thing to do for your own wellbeing. But it must be terribly painful and I am so sorry.