Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

@MakeItRain26 addiction makes the addict selfish. It's as simple as that - the addiction means they prioritise that over absolutely everything else. Literally nothing matter. Once he was hooked, my husband couldn't seem to enjoy anything at all in life unless there was alcohol ready to hand. All the joys of life were just gone for him. On days out, he would go completely surly if there was no alcohol available for him to have with lunch. At the time it annoyed me; these days I just feel saddened for everything he lost.

You don't have to forgive him, @MakeItRain26. Just set your boundaries and if that means staying out of his way and not inviting him to events, do that. Just be there for your MIL and DH, because watching someone you love destroy their life and their relationships is heartbreaking.

Thank you - yes, that prospect worries me. I have spoken to divorce lawyers twice in the last couple of years and always ended up chickening out. My son has important exams this year, so I don't think I can do anything too disruptive until those are over. I'm trying hard to concentrate on my business and stay out of H's , but knowing how bad the financial situation might really be may impact on what I decide to do. Going to see a counsellor next week to start trying to understand what got me to this point that i don't even feel able to complain at all

I have read this thread but never posted before but I lost my DB this week and need to reach out to people who may understand. It has been a bewildering and heartbreaking week watching him slip away and to be honest it has come as a shock. We all knew his drinking was out of control but he didn't reach the type of rock bottom I have read about on here. He was working full time only a few months ago and living what appeared to be a normal life with his wife since. Albeit I am now hearing how tired he was. It doesn't really make sense how he went from this to liver failure/death in such a short space of time. I am guessing he was drinking more than anyone realised. I don't know where to start on processing all of this, I am veering between terrible guilt (I stepped back massively in the last year as I have a small child to consider), total sadness to anger and frustration. It should not be a time to feel bitter but I can't get my head around why no-one else was seeing what I was seeing a year ago. Is that what enabling is? When it is easier to go along with it and pretend everything is OK? What a sad waste of a good life.

@notrose6 I’m a couple of weeks ahead of you in this club I would never have wanted to be a member of……
I think you should never underestimate the strength of the alcoholic to deny what is happening, and prevent those around from helping. Also there is a pride to not want to reach out for help by those that love the alcoholic, certainly I tried to protect my husband for longer than was good for me.

You did the right thing to distance yourself, I know it is easy to say, but do not feel guilty

Put one foot in front of another, and keep connecting with your support systems.

Hugs 🌻

Hello @notrose6 I'm so sorry you have lost your brother. It is so recent, I'm sure your head is spinning. I lost my mum nearly three months ago and it still doesn't feel real. Grief is a really strange place to be, and there are so many feelings to contend with. It changes a lot too. You're allowed to feel all of your feelings, and I hope you have someone good to confide in – hopefully someone who is a little bit removed from the situation, like a friend or partner. Anger/bitterness is part of it all, especially when it's only just happened.

From my experience, I would say we knew how terribly wrong things were – but we were sent half-mad ourselves by the daily strain, the worry, the desperate wish for her to stop drinking. I do think it appeared to other family members that we were pretending it was ok, but we were absolutely powerless to do anything. People cannot be forced to change. My mother was utterly unreachable. No one could get through – family, counsellors, mental health workers. We didn't know what to do, and ultimately they couldn't help.

After she died, we started to see things clearly. We were able to understand better what had happened, and how. We saw how it had sent us mad too. It has been an extremely hard time for us, but there has been some peace too.

Please don't feel guilty. The world of the alcoholic is utter chaos, and you had a little child to look after. You couldn't have done anything either. Sending love.

@amlie8 and @Userccjlnhibibljn8 my sympathies to you too. I have had some really good friends offer their support which I am so grateful for. My DM still does not want anyone to know the details of how he died but I definitely need to share (to some extent) with others.

What is getting to me though is that I absolutely did not 'detach with love'. I walked away in anger and resentment that he was putting us all through exactly the same as we had to go through with my DF. I couldn't believe he was letting history repeat itself. If I could turn back the clock I at least would have explained this to him.

I certainly was incapable of detaching with love. I was angry, shouty, frustrated ……and he was unable to be detached from…..in the end I took what felt like the nuclear option, and that was the beginning of his end. Would I have wished for another path, so much, but the problems were there long before I met him.

Just try to deal with each moment as it comes. 🌷

@notrose6 I didn't 'detach with love' either. I'm not sure many (any?) of us truly manage that. I detached sometimes, with anger.

All of us here understand the anger, I think. I was so angry. But if I didn't love her, I'd have been indifferent. You did love and care, or you wouldn't be angry.

Really sorry to hear you went through with your father too. Again, same. My mother's father was an alcoholic. I still can't believe she ended up the same.

Yes, you absolutely do need to share with trusted friends. The most important thing I've learned about grief is that we need it to be simply acknowledged by those close to us. Take care of yourself x

@notrose6 I am sorry for responding so late - your post deserved more than a few rushed lines while I was at work.

I will say to you what I say to everyone on these threads who has lost loved ones: everything you feel is valid. We tend to beat ourselves up with how we 'should' feel, but life with an addict does not conform to 'should' and neither do we have to.

You protected your young child from witnessing your brother's self destruction. Please know that this was 100% the right thing to do. You walked away because you could not help - that too was the right thing to do. Protecting yourself from the influence of an addict on your life is not selfish, it is sensible.

What happened to your brother is not atypical of someone addicted to alcohol. The human liver is a wondrous organ: it can take decades of punishment without showing any signs, without so much as an abnormality on a blood test. But when it does go, it goes with a bang from (on the face of it) fine to terminal. It isn't even about how much your brother was drinking; it's just that his liver reached its breaking point.

Your family's reaction to your brother's situation is theirs to own, not yours. You are allowed to grieve in whatever way seems right and natural to you. And please don't feel guilty about 'detaching with love' - it's an Al-Anon trope, and Al-Anon are notorious for always trying to keep families together, whether that is siblings, parents/children or spouses. The detachment they promote is emotional, not physical and you are expected to stay in the situation. This is very unhelpful in very many cases. I didn't detach with love either. When the police took my husband away, my first feeling was relief. When the police called 8 months later to tell me he was dead, my first feeling was relief. And that was a legitimate way to feel.

It is quite likely that you will end up having to deal with complex bereavement; if you feel that it is affecting your quality of life to the point where things are unsustainable, please do seek professional help. It was a sanity saver for me and my DC.

@pointythings thanks for taking the time for the long reply. I can't tell you what a relief it is to speak with people who are understanding where I'm coming from.

Detaching with love in almost every relationship situation where alcoholism is concerned is airy-fairy nonsense. Almost always, physical separation from an alcoholic will involve anger, guilt and distress. And emotional detachment from an alcoholic you continue to live with, especially when there are kids involved, is asking too much of anyone not vying for sainthood. How could anyone vaguely normal not be fricking furious when he/she drives drunk, passes out during Christmas dinner, and swears and breaks things on a regular basis?

I’m so sorry for your loss. Be prepared to find out a lot you did not know.

That may not be enabling. I work very hard to ensure I don’t enable my very close friend who lives with me but I have no control over his drinking. I am blunt with him but he makes his own decisions.

It’s very sad. My friend risks his life every time he drinks now. And could easily go from functioning normally to death within a month.

It’s bloody awful.

I think walking away in anger is very normal. And can also be the right thing to do sometimes to protect children and yourself.

I work hard on detaching with love. But I am not in a relationship with this person, we do not share children and we are not family.

And I still get bloody angry at times - not so much at the alcohol but at the behaviours that tend to go with alcoholism - lying and gaslighting

@notrose6 so sorry for your loss. I lost my Db earlier this year and I was angry too. My dc are young adults but like you I had detached and took steps to make sure they weren't around him in the last few months

I tried everything I could think of to help him but he didn't want to change and I'm still angry about that.

I wanted there to be some way I could make him see sense, see what he was doing to himself and his family but there wasn't.. I had some counselling that made me see that it wasn't my fault or my responsibility..

@pleasecomment Rant along with us. It is inexplicable, frustrating, illogical, unreasonable and such a waste. I hope you have real life support you can rant at too. Xxx

Spot on. Its all coming out of the woodwork now. No money in bank accounts, mortgage payments missed, scratchcards (?!). SIL has been bled dry under her own nose. She must have been living in denial to have let things slip so far. I feel so embarrassed for him and sorry for her. Spent most of last night feeling more angry than sad.

@pleasecomment you have my sympathies. My DB became irrationally fixated on whether I was the favourite child or not. I wish I could offer more practical advice but I'm in the thick of it myself atm. Reading back through some of the old threads has been very helpful.

I know it sounds crazy but I'm angry that I'm angry. I want to feel sad and grieve, but I am so angry

@CharlotteByrde I'm years on from my ex's death. Thank you for your post. You have validated my feelings in a way nobody else yet has.

@wizzler I totally get this. Even normal grief has teen taken away. To add to the list.

@wizzler and @notrose6 I can totally empathise. I carried the anger around for a long time. I've let it go, so I can move on and be happy in the life I've got now.