Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

@MamaBear81 It’s so good that the grandparents are on board. There is medical evidence of his alcoholism. But I think you don’t need to go down the Court route . You have clearly bent over backwards to facilitate your daughter’s relationship with her Dad, and you can prove that, I really don’t think you should be supervising contact when this arselick abuses you.

It is hard when your young child still loves and wants to see them

you want to try and arrange it but equally you just know they will drink

In the early days after we separated, I would breathalyze my ex-DH before he took my DC for contact, bought a device off Amazon. Got it written into a letter from my solicitor during our divorce process that it was a condition of access.

Sounds like you would need to do that both before and after supervised contact if he’s sneaking booze into coffee cups etc.

Also I would add, please don’t think you are punishing your DD by denying her access to her dad. HE is the one who is creating this situation, not you. Also, she’s 2 I think you said, if I remember back to those days they very much live in the moment and are used to adults making all their big decisions. My youngest was 4 when my ex popped off to rehab number 2 for 4 weeks suddenly (for her) and I said “daddy’s not well and has gone away to get better”. A couple of questions later and a bit of a cuddle and I don’t remember her really noticing his absence or asking for him much after that. She accepted her reality pretty quickly and easily.

Sorry @MamaBear81, it all sounds like a nightmare for you.

All as usual here. Ex lapsed within 3 weeks of the medically managed home detox. Many reasons and many excuses. His ex wife, not seeing his children any more, his mental health, being ill, the weather, the moon, you name it and I have heard it. I pointed out that he could just stop as he hasn’t regained any physical dependency. It’s that or rehab again and he doesn’t want to do rehab because it “doesn’t work for him”. Well, he had a chance at community recovery and that hasn’t worked out either has it. Like many of you, I think his engagement with support is an act to keep us off his back and the remaining people in his life sympathetic - he is trying really hard etc. I don’t think he wants to give up. Alcohol is his crutch, his numbing mechanism, he says. The counter narrative that it is also a depressant, mucks up the effect of his meds, and crashes his mental health? We don’t understand. It works apparently and if his life wasn’t so hard then it would definitely be easier to stay sober.

I was really sad at another failed attempt. Now I’m just resentful again.

The resentment - I know a high number of addicts never manage to maintain abstinence, but some do, and I just don’t understand why he can’t be one of those ones? He had a lot going for him at the time of rehab one. Yes he was separated and divorcing. But he still had his children nearly 50/50, his business, family support from his siblings and financial stability, and his health. Now, yes, things are dog shit. But it didn’t need to get this bad.

the concept of rock bottom and rising up is a myth

It's all part of the merry go round that is life with an addict. Ultimately the reason nothing works is, as you say, that they don't want to stop. When they do, they can. My Dsis' partner is 15 years sober this year. He worked his absolute arse off to get sober - 90 in 90, counselling, medication for depression, the lot. He did it all. It transformed his life and he says now that he couldn't imagine throwing away what he has for the sake of a beer.

@Nogoodusername I couldn't understand either. It seemed unfathomable. I just figure now, seeing the situation at a distance, that my DH was an addict, and while he loved us, he wasn't strong enough to fight. As @pointythings says, for alcoholics, sobriety is life-long hard, painful work. There's so much to deal with -the physical and mental cravings, having to admit to themselves and others that their drinking was to blame for their wrecked lives and relationships, coping sober with stress or any underlying mental health issues. The excuses and the blame are all about finding reasons to keep drinking, because the alternative's too hard.

Extremely wise words @CharlotteByrde and @pointythings.

The emotions are a roller coaster. I am sad then I am angry then I am resentful. Rinse and repeat. I really wouldn’t wish addiction on anyone. I’d hate to have to fight physical and mental cravings daily. I’d hate to try and cope with the carnage that my addiction has caused. Who wouldn’t want to be able to numb and block it all out. It’s cost him everything and he knows that.

Maybe I am being too harsh, I just wish it was different. I wish he was one of the ones strong enough to fight, even at this late stage, but instead I know this is probably one of the milestones towards the end and ‘that’ inevitable phonecall. In his eyes, he ‘failed’ at rehab (four times), he’s now failed at community recovery (really quickly) - I’m fairly sure the writing is on the wall for him in his lucid moments.

Addiction is an evil thing. I guess I have to be grateful that my brother and I avoided that path, and that I managed to avoid it for my children too, even if I have found myself back here with an addict in my life in later life.

@Nogoodusername I guess we all wish or wished for our addicts' recovery. One of the reasons I post on here is to let people who are suffering through a loved ones addiction know that while that wish might not come true, we can survive that, and thrive.

@Nogoodusername I reckon the most painful thing of life with an addict is the hope. We support them into rehab, we really want them to succeed and all the time there is the hope on the one side and the terror on the other side. There's no peace in recovery, or at least not for a very very long time.

In a way I am now grateful that my period of hope lasted all of two weeks. It would have been so much worse if he had lasted months or years and then crashed back into drinking and lying in the way that he did.

It's only when we really detach that we find peace.

Oh I do that every drop off and collect

can I ask which model you have please as sometimes I’m not sure mine is good enough

equally if ex drank at 6/7/8pm would it show up at 7/8am the next day - I don’t think so 😢

Oh the hope……I know I hoped even on the last day we were together…..throughout the 8 months we were separated before his death I grieved the hope of what our relationship could have been….and then I grieved the man who could have had it all but threw it away because of the hold alcohol had on him.
I had about 8 months after his rehab when I thought he was OK, but it was exhausting, worrying every time he went out would he come back with a bottle, and doing everything to smooth his path.

I watched a documentary about George best recently, it was bloody sad. He had (I think) around three years of sobriety, his friends and family were happy and looking forward to his transplant and beginning again. He told a friend that for the three years he was sober he had thought every single day about alcohol. It was probably absolute torture for him every day whilst everyone around him was full of hope. We’ve been happy for 8ish months my dad has been sober and it really hit home that every single day he has struggled and thought of nothing but drink.

Hi All, it’s been a while since I posted on here. The reality is life was just too overwhelming to even write about it. I lost my Mother 5 weeks ago from long term alcohol effects. It has absolutely broken my heart. She had been sober for 4 years when she died but the damage had already been done. My brother is also an alcoholic at the peak of his addiction right now, he has lost absolutely everything and I’m just waiting for the call to say he’s now homeless. He was fired over 8 weeks ago so there can’t be much money left (he’s always too drunk to understand universal credit forms etc.). He’s currently blaming his alcohol usage on our mother’s death when in reality, he’s been drunk for 18 months now.
I can’t fathom for the life of me how he can drink knowing we lost our parent to drink. I feel so very sad that I no doubt will lose him eventually too.
Sorry for the miserable post, sending thoughts and love to you all x

Pleasecomment I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. It is utterly heartbreaking. I am just starting this journey with my own mother and we only recently realised how much she is drinking.

when you say the damage was done. Did your mum have Cirrhosis? I have been reading and educating myself as much as possible on what we are likely to discover as she now has scans and tests to check what damage is done

@pleasecomment I am so very sorry for all you are going through. Having a realistic sense of what is coming doesn't help with the pain at all, does it? All I can say is find some memories of happier times with your mother and your brother and hang on to that. Be kind to yourself, put yourself first and try not to carry it alone. If you haven't told people around you, now is the time.

@pointythingsit doesn’t no, however I think now that I’ve gotten over the initial shock of him drinking again I feel more at ease. My counsellor has been putting things to me that have made me feel more peaceful such as ‘40 minutes is quite a lot of time to spend with someone who causes you pain and stress’ which is stripping the guilt away. I will probably never be shocked at how awful alcoholism can be and what that looks like at the end of life having seen substance abuse frequently through my work but to have it happening so close to home is painful. I will tell people, I think I’ve maybe told one friend (and I have a lot) I fear it would just seem very out of character for me to have such a skeleton in the closet.

@pleasecomment I’m sorry for your loss and all that you are going through with your brother.

Thanks ladies. I’ve been having a good cry reading your posts. Getting the disappointment and anger out of my system through years I think.

There is no peace in recovery, it’s true. ‘Luckily’ the longest I ever had was 6 weeks. Before that, 3 weeks, 0 days whatsoever, 3 days maybe (but we weren’t speaking because he rage quit rehab!) and this time which was about 2 weeks I guess as week 1 was on meds.

it all feels very final.

This is so sad. I hate the idea of every day being torture for ex. It’s just so sad and such a waste of life and potential.

I am so sorry for your loss and for the painful situation with your brother @pleasecomment. wishing you love and strength

Thanks for the comments on my post - I’m only just catching up now. Sounds crazy but I purposely set my alarm very early in the mornings (even on a Sunday!!) to call my brother and
try catch sober him for a split second. I haven’t made the call just yet but will do after my coffee, I don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve but I hope if I can briefly get him sober, I might be able to talk some sense into him. @pointythingsYou’re right, there’s no comfort at all knowing what’s to come - if anything it’s a prolonged dread that I carry each day. I am trying to focus on myself and the entire family are aware but understandably everyone has detached themselves from him.
@Swoosh80No it wasn’t anything liver related in my case, she had huge haemorrhaging from her stomach that I’m sure she ignored the signs for a while. I’m sorry to hear about your DM, be gentle with yourself x

I have been going to Al-anon meetings weekly for some time now, although there’s little advice it is comforting to sit in a room full of people who ‘get it’. It’s a safe place to vent, share and be understood of the struggles as a family member of an addict(s). I would recommend x

I am very sorry @pleasecomment , it must be so hard and frustrating to have this on top of your grief about your mother.

all I can say is put one foot in front of the other, let those around you know what is happening so you have their understanding and look after yourself first, as otherwise there will be nothing.

There is another side, however impossible it seems at the moment 🌺

@Userccjlnhibibljn8Thank you so much ❤️