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Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking
110

fedup078 · 02/07/2022 07:37

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

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KangarooKenny · 02/07/2022 07:41

I’m constantly considering divorce to a man who drinks a bottle of wine every night. The thing that makes me stay is that I know my adult kids would side with him and I’d not see them.

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fedup078 · 02/07/2022 07:48

@KangarooKenny
Ah that's shit
Do they not see a problem?
My grandmother is still alive amazingly and I got it in the neck for going nc with my mother who couldn't put a foot wrong in her eyes. Her relationship with my uncle is also strained because he also went nc

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KangarooKenny · 02/07/2022 07:51

No, they think he’s great and funny. They don’t see him slipping out for a bottle of wine at night, spilling wine on himself and the carpet.

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Cyberworrier · 02/07/2022 07:56

Hi,

Glad to have found this thread though sorry we are all here too of course.

My husband has a dependency on alcohol, also mental health issues, and won't get help for either. I've had to move out to family and I suppose we will probably end up divorcing as unless he miraculously decides to change, it's over. It is very difficult, I feel sorry for him but just couldn't be there being blamed all the time any longer.
I'm in my mid thirties, no children, his drinking became worse when we had fertility investigations and he was told to adopt a more healthy lifestyle.

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fedup078 · 02/07/2022 07:57

Yeah it's tough isn't it
I had incidents with both my mother and stbxh when people clearly thought I was overreacting but others might only see it when they'd had a few too many on a night out and think it's funny
It's not funny when you live with it day in and day out

I'll never forget one night when he swore he'd only have a few on a works night out then come home early . Fast forward numerous hours and his colleague rings me laughing as h was so drunk he couldn't remember where he lived. I shouted down the phone 'it's not fucking funny!'

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Cyberworrier · 02/07/2022 07:58

Kangaroo that's really difficult about your adult children, I'm so sorry. Have you ever gone to alanon or smart recovery? I wonder if you mentioned that to children if they'd realise you're seriously worried/struggling.

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KangarooKenny · 02/07/2022 08:00

Cyberworrier · 02/07/2022 07:58

Kangaroo that's really difficult about your adult children, I'm so sorry. Have you ever gone to alanon or smart recovery? I wonder if you mentioned that to children if they'd realise you're seriously worried/struggling.

No I haven’t.
‘And the kids would just say I’m stressing or something, that he’s ok, that he’s always had a drink.

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fedup078 · 02/07/2022 08:01

@Cyberworrier ah I'm sorry
I stopped feeling sorry for mine
Had either of them made any effort to actually get help things may have been different but both refused, denied , gaslighted..
it's so shit and I don't think I'll ever truly understand it. I understand getting addicted to things but I can't understand the refusal to try and fix things even when you are losing everything you ever cared about

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Oldhabitsarehardtobreak · 02/07/2022 09:16

I can't understand the refusal to try and fix things even when you are losing everything you ever cared about

because when you are in the grip of it, all you can think about is how to get your next drink to make everything feel better. Getting obliterated stops the mental anguish….for a while.
Happily 2+ years sober but DF is an alcoholic who has recently been sectioned for his own safety. His continued drinking, and his worsening health and memory issues due to the drink, are the reason I finally saw the light. That and an alcoholic sibling attempting suicide.

My DH & DC telling me, actually begging me, to ‘please stop drinking’ weren’t enough for some reason. It really does get a strong grip on you. I do totally understand why people have to leave the situation, an alcoholic can’t be helped unless they actually want to be helped so, for your own sanity, sometimes it is best to leave them to it.


Now I just have DF and sibling to worry about….and DC now they are an age where they are starting to have a few drinks.

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cherrytree63 · 02/07/2022 13:52

Thanks for starting this thread @fedup078 I live with my not so DP who drinks every day. I could write pages and pages of the dickish stuff he does.
I very occasionally drink and have very low tolerance but you know sometimes I'd like a night off being designated driver, but I know he'll say he won't drink it never happens.
Went out recently for my birthday meal, he drank 2 bottles of wine knowing that I wanted to have a drink and that I don't like driving in the dark.
I feel quite bitter about it all, within a 5 mile radius of home I could go to 2 AA meetings a day, every day, but the nearest Alanon meeting is once a week 22 miles away.

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fedup078 · 02/07/2022 13:55

@Oldhabitsarehardtobreak glad you're doing well. Shows there's some hope

@cherrytree63 2 bottles ! I'd be unconscious
Though mine used to drink 3 bottles+ which would put me in hospital . I was always the driver too. What would happen if you just refused ? Costly taxi I suppose

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Cyberworrier · 02/07/2022 16:46

@fedup078 refuse, deny, gaslight sounds familiar 😢

@cherrytree63 could you access an online group? I've looked up london ones and some are still meeting on zoom.

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oldsoulrebel · 03/07/2022 08:52

Thank you for starting this thread . My alcoholic DP is currently in the grip of a 2 week bender after 3 blissful months AF. I've walked away (luckily we don't live together) . It's heartbreaking watching him destroy everything for the sake of the wine. I'm worried about him obviously. He will have been drinking almost constantly now for 2 weeks. No food , no sleep just wine . I've blocked him now and hoping I can stay strong enough to stay away when he sobers up and the inevitable apologies and promises start . Flowers for you all. It really is a cruel disease.

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fedup078 · 03/07/2022 09:01

@oldsoulrebel oh no that's terrible
It's so sad and such a waste
I'm going to pay for the divorce and progress it this morning and all I can think is 'such a waste, such a waste.'

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cherrytree63 · 03/07/2022 09:48

@fedup078 round here the taxi to and fro town would be nigh on £30 and (because of his drinking) we're on a tight budget anyway. Last bus to my village is 5pm.
I can't even drink a small glass of wine and retain my dignity 😀
He's even spent the money he'd put aside for my present. I know I sound like a spoilt princess (he certainly thinks I am) but that stings.
He does a lot for me, he's a really kind man, would do anything for anyone, but he's very troubled and I suppose he self medicates, not that he'd admit it.
@Cyberworrier I'm not very tech savvy, but I will look into that.
I need to walk away from it all, I've known this for so long but I feel paralysed.
It's my house, I have my own money so on paper it's so simple.
💐to everyone going through this.
@oldsoulrebel mine stopped for 18 months. We went out for a day and stopped for a meal on the way home, and he ordered a pint. I went into the toilet and cried my eyes out.
I loved lock down, he doesn't drink as much at home, we spent more time together, I felt we got closer, now it's back to him going out 5 nights a week, and the days he stays in he's just "tired" (never hung over lol) miserable and falls asleep as soon as he's eaten and snores so loud I can't hear the TV.

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fedup078 · 03/07/2022 09:58

@cherrytree63 you don't sound like a spoilt princess at all
Mine used to buy me expensive gin for my birthday and then drink it himself

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oldsoulrebel · 03/07/2022 21:31

How has everyone's weekend been ? I've enjoyed the peace (he's still blocked ) caught up with some friends andspent some time in the sun. I hope you have all had some peace .

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Hollyberry33 · 03/07/2022 21:36

Hi guys I've had issues with my mums drinking for many years. She has always used booze as a coping mechanism even when I was a child but since we lost my dad a few years ago it's really gotten out of hand. I love my mum dearly and it's not an option to go nc but I struggle to be around her when she's drunk which is a lot more often these days :(

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ConfusedMAP · 03/07/2022 21:47

It’s so hard when no one else takes their drinking seriously. My mother is an alcoholic and I was NC with her for 4 years until recently. My family just don’t understand and would invite us both to events where loads of alcohol was being served. If I didn’t show up then they would think I was being rude or disrespectful. I have given up now and tried to be civil with her otherwise I would lose my family. No one will stand up to her and no one reached out to me to invite me over for a cuppa or make me feel included. Either we all go to the event we’ve been invited to or we don’t… that’s awkward for me. But at the end of the day, no one speaks up, they all sit by and watch. When you only see the alcoholic once every 6 months it’s not a big deal. But to her adult child who’s life and childhood was ruined it is a big deal.They will never understand, breaks my heart thinking about it.

thinking if you all xx

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Cyberworrier · 03/07/2022 21:58

@cherrytree63

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/how-do-i-get-help/

I hope you can access an online meeting. I went to smart recovery friends and family online for a while and found it really helpful (and it helped me get the courage to leave).

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fedup078 · 03/07/2022 22:00

I still have relatives who refuse to believe my mother was anything but a saint
So they think her brother, husband , daughter cut her off for shits and giggles? 🙄

I'm not doing well tonight
I'm so angry I'm on my own again
But tomorrow I could feel totally different and be relieved I don't have to put up with his bullshit anymore

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Cyberworrier · 03/07/2022 22:02

@oldsoulrebel
Glad you've had peace with him blocked.

I've had a peaceful weekend away from my partner at parents house- slightly blighted by the fact that he'd said he'd respond to my email about us separating this weekend and he hasn't. I am in no way eager to be chatting with him but need to be able to communicate to sort out our house and probable divorce etc 😩

Best wishes to all of you

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Cyberworrier · 03/07/2022 22:03

@fedup078 it's better to be by yourself than putting up with the awful shit that loved ones with addictions make us live with. Sorry you're struggling.

It doesn't feel fair that we've ended up in these relationships/situations- but all we can do is deal with the hand we are dealt. Look after yourself x

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fedup078 · 03/07/2022 22:12

Oh and I paid for the divorce application this morning

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Cyberworrier · 03/07/2022 22:18

That must have taken a lot of courage/energy to do. Well done. (I am being super sensitive about how people talk to me in real life about my situation so wanted to say, it's hard to find the right words to communicate about situations like this so I'm sorry if I've got the tone wrong talking to you about what you're going though.)

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