Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

The hope and the dashed hope is so painful. The longest I had post a rehab stay while we were still together was 6 weeks. I guess that even though we are apart I haven’t fully detached? I’m not sure if I can. I want so much for him to be able to recover who he was and what he had (not us) because it’s just devastating to see how much someone can lose and the comment a PP left about George Best and how every day he was sober he was haunted by cravings reminded me that I do minimise the struggle sometimes when I am sad and angry. I also can’t lose the guilt even though I push it deep down - what if I did contribute in any way to this endless downward spiral. This spiral was on my watch, not his ex wife’s watch. He was a ‘functioning’ alcoholic when I met him (I wasn’t aware and believed his tales about how his ex wife was wrong). Now there isn’t anything even vaguely functional about him. The only thing he has left to loose is his life. That’s all on my watch

@NogoodusernameI’m really sorry if my post was unhelpful, I suppose it just highlights the grip that addiction has. The man was given a new liver ffs and even that didn’t stop him. I feel guilty too for not seeing my dad enough, not taking him out etc but every time I do it makes me feel sad and angry and just desperate. He is totally oblivious and just cares about the next drink. When I’m away from him I have peace in my life. Don’t feel guilty for needing peace and what’s best for you ❤️

Nooooo @eyeofthestorm1 it wasn’t unhelpful at all! It was a good reminder in the depths of my anger and resentment yesterday. Good for the guilt in some ways - it wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do. The grip of addiction is that powerful, especially at this end stage which I imagine ex is. Accepting reality brings peace. I can’t always do it, the people pleaser and campaigner in me wants to rail against it and fight and help.
much love xx

@pleasecomment so sorry to hear about your mum and now your brother

@Nogoodusername I know from expérience this is easier said than done, but do not feel guilty. You will have tried everything in your capacity, but only he could change. It happened while you were together, but who knows how long he would have lasted if you had not been there.

My husband’s oldest friend told me he reckoned I gave him 10 more years of life. I don’t really know if that was true, but when I walked away from him he just sunk.

@Nogoodusername human beings are very bad at accepting that it is possible to be absolutely powerless at times. It's that issue which makes you and me think that there must have been something we failed to do when our addicts don't find recovery. It's why we give them chance after chance in the hope that this time it will be different. And it very rarely is.

Every time you get those thoughts, remind yourself of the Serenity Prayer. Those are powerful words that make total sense.

'Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'

You can put God into it or not, that's up to you. I'm a hardcore atheist, so I don't, but the sentiment still hits home.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 A couple of ex’s friends have said similar to me when I have lamented to them that I couldn’t reverse the course of his alcoholism and shared fears that I actually did more harm than good by enabling. Maybe I kept him alive another couple of years indeed.

I've started a new thread because this one is nearly full:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5418536-support-group-for-those-affecteed-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-3

Have asked MNHQ to edit the title for typo.

Thank you so much @pointythings. I’m also a hard core atheist but I very much appreciate the sentiment of those words too.

I am so sad and struggling with guilt today. Constantly fighting back tears. I was helping my teen with homework earlier (autistic) and he said mum why is your voice shakey. Which is one of the many reasons I walked away - the worry and guilt and sadness was even more overwhelming when we were together and I am become a shell of a person, mum, friend and colleague.

I wish I could maintain the detachment and acceptance more consistently that I do. I had a really good stint in the summer. The detox, couple of weeks sobriety, the relapse and spiral have thrown me. I didn’t realise I had got my hopes up. Clearly I did. I hope that tomorrow will bring me the serenity to accept what I cannot change.

Thanks lovely mumsnet ladies for being here with your wise words xx

Not sure what happened here, didn’t seem to be on this thread (4) Sorry I have missed lots!

I attended a SMART zoom meeting tonight. It was just what I needed after a testing day.

That’s great. Smart friends and family was great for me. I’d love it if it were ftf but prefer Smart enough though online

Ooops @Isthisit2025, we are on the old thread (2). I will tag you in the current one!