Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

@pleasecomment That sounds like a great plan. I’m doing OK today. I had a conversation yesterday with someone about legal stuff that I had been dreading, but I am hopeful that things could turn out the right way.
i hope you have a good and calm day.

@pleasecomment that's a good start. The hardest thing about life with an addict is learning the fine art of self preservation. The next step is learning to believe that self preservation is not selfish.

I blocked my husband after he moved out and encouraged the DC to do the same because he was relentlessly guilt tripping us. No regrets.

Thanks! Joint tenants; not married; some equity but a way to go yet on the mortgage. He's agreed to the sale in principle after some legal pushing, but we are pondering what to do if he won't physically leave the house. He isn't remotely capable of going house/flat hunting, and it's hard to show people round a house with bottles everywhere (and a smell of booze and worse).

I have just found this thread and have read all the posts, would like to join even if I’ll probably be a lurker more than anything else. I nearly left DP back in the spring because of his drinking. He is a lovely person and never, ever violent but basically he was always the drunkest person in any group and I couldn’t be doing with taking him home and putting him to bed and all the rest of it. He realised I was serious about leaving and has dialled it right down but we’ve been here before and I keep wondering how long it’ll be lasting this time.

I don’t like going out with him in the evenings because if I’m there he knows he’s got a chauffeur and babysitter and doesn’t need to think about how he’s getting home which makes him worse. I have a few Christmas meals coming up and would rather he didn’t come with me because I feel more carefree on my own.

He thinks everything is fine because he never drinks at home on his own, which to him is the sure sign of the alcohol problem.

@NoraLuka welcome to the thread! We aim to support people living with alcohol dependent partners/parents/siblings/etc. in taking control of their lives and getting clarity - wherever that takes them. So the first question to ask yourself is whether this is what you want your life to be, forever?

You are minimising the harm this man is doing to you. We all start out like that, it's normal. But he has already stolen your peace of mind from you. However nice a person he is, that isn't OK.

I would also ask whether you have children. Having an alcoholic parent increases their risk of addiction as well as their risk of other mental health problems.

Last, always remember the 3 Cs: You did not cause it, you cannot cure it, you cannot control it. I hope this thread helps you make sense of things.

@pleasecomment I am glad you have taken a first step. It might seem harsh to block his calls, but if your brother's calls are anything like the ones I used to receive they are made solely to emotionally blackmail, wallow in self-pity and blame others. Listening to him rant won't stop him drinking. It won't help him face up to the mess he has made of his life. Nothing you do will change his trajectory. He is the only one who can do that.

May I join in please? Concerned about my partner's relationship with, and attitude towards alcohol. My mum was alcohol dependant, as was a former partner, until she ended up in intensive care for a week, with pancreatitis, and nearly died.
I have always been very wary, cautious and watchful around alcohol and, although not completely teatotal, I very rarely touch the stuff and, if I do, it would just be one glass of red wine on very odd occasions. However, my partner seems not to respect my boundaries around alcohol and is constantly seeking to get me to indulge, suggesting that we should get "slightly pissed" together some evenings, trying to get me to go halves on 6 bottles of wine when they are on special offer at Asda, telling me that I have "an issue" with alcohol, that she is "a binge drinker, likes to drink, always will do and doesn't intend to stop". And, most hurtful of all, when we went to visit my mum's grave, a while ago, on a Sunday afternoon, wanted to stop at a pub on the way home for a drink. That felt insensitive at best, deliberately cruel at worst. She has told me horror stories about things she has done in the past, whilst drunk - throwing up in taxis and decamping without paying the fare, urinating in public when her bladder has been too full to hold on, wetting the bed, urinating in the ottoman in her spare room, mistaking it for a toilet, going round local pubs with her friend, or the bars at the Cheltenham races, chatting up and 'snogging' (her words!), all the good looking men. And thinks it is funny and something to be proud of. And so it goes on!

We don't live together, only see one another at weekends, and, although, fortunately, I have never seen her drunk, she will frequently have a drink during the day on Saturday and Sunday, following it up with more in the evening and frequently mixing it - lager or cider, then wine, then rum or Baileys. We went to the cinema a few weeks ago, on a Saturday afternoon and she sneaked two cans of lager in and, after consuming them, fell asleep, missing most of the film, but then wanted to go to a bar afterwards and was annoyed when I said "no". I know that she will have a drink or two every evening at home, on her own, but I have no idea if the reality is that it is more than that! And goes round to her friends, who are very heavy drinkers, every Thursday evening and gets through 2 or 3 bottles of wine with them.

Sorry that this is so long, but it is cathartic writing it all down, and I am worried, very worried. Thank you.

@DracunculusVulgaris you are absolutely welcome here, there's some lovely people with good advice.

It sounds like you've been through a huge amount in your life. You should feel proud that you've come through all of that.

Not sure if I'm overstepping here but I would honestly say that your relationship with your partner sounds very unhealthy, almost like they are unconsciously jealous of the progress you have made in rebuilding yourself and are trying to sabotage you. I would take a bit of space and really ask yourself what they do to enhance and enrich your life. It sounds like they have issues with alcohol and you could absolutely be forgiven for walking away from them, you are not responsible for their choices.

I really hope it all works out for you.

Thank you @StosbyNillsAndCash and, no, you are not overstepping in the slightest - in fact you are simply reinforcing what I already know to be true, and there are other issues at play, within the relationship, which also cause me grave concern, mostly, as you have rightly pointed out, driven by jealousy and a need to tear me down, belittle and undermine my self belief and self esteem - constant criticism of my vocabulary, education, the way I speak, the way I dress, my standards, boundaries and the way I behave.

However, that is outside the parameters of this thread and it is the alcohol which I am primarily focusing on here - as I mentioned, in my first post, I have never seen her drunk, but it is her frequency of consumption, allied to the fact that she sees alcohol as aspirational and positive which causes me grave concern. I did attend a few Al-Anon meetings, but it didn't really work for me and I am back to square one with my anxiety about this.

All I know is that I cannot have another alcohol dependant person in my life again. I just cannot go through it again.

For the avoidance of doubt, I am male and also autistic, and sometimes wonder if the autism is causing me to overthink, that her level of consumption and attitude is 'normal' and that I am seeing things which are not there, simply because of my sensitivity about alcohol. I am, by my own admission, very sensitive and also slightly old fashioned in my outlook or, as I have been told, "have a stick up my arse"!

@DracunculusVulgaris it sounds as if she knows that her relationship with alcohol is unhealthy, that she doesn't want to admit it and that she tries to drag you into making the same choices to prove to herself that what she is doing is absolutely fine. You have every right to feel uncomfortable with that. It sounds as if you have good, solid boundaries. You've probably developed those as a consequence of having experienced this before.

You aren't overthinking this. Your partner is behaving very badly towards you and you don't have to be OK with that. It isn't just the alcohol either. So the question to ask yourself is why you are in this relationship? What is keeping you there, and what is stopping you from realising that you deserve better than this? This group is a pretty good place to explore this. It doesn't matter that you're a man, everyone who is dealing with someone who is alcohol dependent in their life is welcome here.

Thank you @pointythings, yes, I have solid boundaries around alcohol, but, elsewhere, I do fall down! And I acknowledge that I am worth more and deserve better and am not quite sure what it is that is keeping me in this relationship which is actually unhealthy for us both - we are polar opposites in virtually every way, not just our attitude towards alcohol.

Part of it, I think, is that I am very close to her mum, who is a very kind, gracious woman, stands up for me, champions me and is, perhaps, a replacement for my own mum, who was, largely, 'absent' for most of my life, due to her preoccupation with drink. And I believe that I fear losing the friendship and support of my partner's mum more than the ending of my relationship with my partner herself. And I feel weak and cowardly as a consequence.

But, again this weekend, my partner was drinking rum in the middle of the day, on both Saturday and Sunday and trying to encourage me to join in with her. Not large amounts, but, being as opposed to alcohol consumption as I am, I just cannot comprehend the notion of daytime drinking as being anything other than problematic and an indicator of an unhealthy inbalance with alcohol.

Well, your views on day drinking are a bit black and white - but you have every right to hold them. Overall your partner's relationship with drink isn't healthy and her relationship with you isn't either. I can understand why you don't want to risk the deep friendship you have with your partner's mum - but would it be possible to have a civil breakup of the relationship which would allow you and her mum to carry on being friends? Chances are you could both end up with someone who suits you much better.

Thank you @pointythings - my views on day drinking ARE probably very black and white, but it takes me back to my childhood and adolescence, seeing my mum, slumped in her chair, talking nonsense, argumentative, truculent, with a wet patch across the front of her trousers, where she had wet herself, to the extent that I never invited friends around because of the embarrassment. And my dad's frustration, misery and unhappiness, which I see as being my own destiny if I am unable to resolve this. It is very triggering for me, even now.

I would love nothing more than to maintain a friendship with my partner's mum - she is the nearest thing I have to family now, but, because of cultural considerations, I am not sure how possible it would be.

I live in hope, at the moment, that my partner will curtail her drinking, as her behaviours towards me are magnified by alcohol, by I also know of the 3 C's, and walking away may be my only option to protect myself!

@DracunculusVulgaris I think you have your situation very clear in your own mind, and that is really all anyone can wish for. I suggest you stay on this thread as a safe place for you to let your feelings out and get some support for the moment you do try to make a decision one way or the other. There's no pressure here, only support - we all have to move through life at our own pace.

Though to be fair we can get a little more tough love when there are children involved.

@pleasecomment my late husband did, a few months before he died. It kept him sober for a whole 10 days before he started drinking again.

It's very rare and only seen in people who drink very heavily.

@pleasecomment I’m not sure if it was a hallucination, but my husband once cooked a full meal at 3am without me being able to talk sense into him. I went back to bed, shut my door, then when he had gone back to bed went and checked everything was switched off in the kitchen. He had no memory in the morning. That freaked him out for a while….

Hello

Hoping I could join this supportive group. Have been reading precious threads and posted a first ever thread about breaking up with DP under relationship tab.

New relationship. 18 months. No kids. We are in our fifties. Long story short, I had no idea his drinking was as bad as it was when we met. Fast forward: he's been to AA, in-house rehab, therapy and nothing has changed.

The lying is excessive and had huge argument on Thursday. Haven't spoken since. Issue is I feel so guilty as I feel I've abandoned him AND there is a part of me that thinks he'll sort himself out and be wonderful for his next relationship.

There are a million feelings running through me. Sadness, anxiety, regret, anger, nostalgia.

Will it get better? Thank you for reading.

Welcome to a club none of us chose to be members of! It will get better
You are relatively un invested at the moment. Remember you are meant to still be in a honeymoon period of a relationship. Even if it gets better in a while do you want to be walking on egg shells all the time worrying about every drink he has? Please don’t feel guilty, and look after yourself. 🌻

@Morry15 I understand where you are coming from and why you want to hang on to hope, but ultimately here and now is what you've got - do you want to spend it on the constant worry about what he is doing to his health, what state he is going to be in when you meet up, whether he's drink driving? (Chances are he is, when it's that bad they are never actually sober).

Maybe he will sort himself out and get sober for his next relationship - though it is vanishingly unlikely given that his efforts so far have got him nowhere! - but right now he is your relationship and can you honestly say you do not deserve better? The fact that he is lying is also a sign that he isn't going to change. He's lying to himself as much as he is to you.

Walk away.

@pointythings it's such a ridiculous thought process on my end but I don't want him hating me for walking away, which is more about me and how I view relationships.

One friend (well..) said at your age (50s) it's hard to meet men so just stick with this one as he's not abusive (no physical abuse) so at least you have companionship in your later years.

@Morry15 I think you're right, it is about you and your own sense of self worth. Is a bad relationship better than no relationship at all? We all have to answer that one for ourselves. It's just over 7 years since I started the process of divorcing my late husband - the 28th of this month will mark the 7th anniversary of me calling the police because he was threatening to kill me. I've been single ever since and I can honestly say the last 7 years have been infinitely better than the last 5 years of my marriage were. However, you're only 18 months in so it all feels very different to you. Only you can make the call on whether it is better to be single than to be with someone who is dependent on alcohol.

@Morry15 I absolutely get that feeling about not wanting him to hate you. I had/have that with my now dead husband. I do not like the thought of him dying and hating me, But the truth is in his last few months when we were together he did very little to cause me to love him.

it is your choice, but I can guarantee your friend will not have lived the experience.